BUT AS WE KNOW, OUR VERY OWN

GUILLERMO WAS WITH ME AT THE

OSCARS LAST NIGHT.

EVERY YEAR BEFORE THE SHOW

GUILLERMO GETS A SPOT ON THE RED

CARPET.

HE ASKS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS, AND

HE DOES IT WITH A TANK FULL OF

TEQUILA.

AND THIS YEAR HE DID IT AGAIN.

THIS IS GUILLERMO AT THE OSCARS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪

>> Guillermo: HI.

HOW ARE YOU?

>> YOU LOOK SO GORGEOUS.

>> Guillermo: YOU ALWAYS LOOK SO

BEAUTIFUL.

I'M ALWAYS HAPPY TO SEE YOU.

>> YOU ARE?

>> Guillermo: YEAH.

>> THANK YOU.

>> Guillermo: AND

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU'RE NOMINATED TODAY, HUH?

>> YES, I AM.

>> Guillermo: YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WROTE A SPEECH FOR YOU.

>> LET ME SEE IT.

>> Guillermo: RIGHT HERE.

>> SHOULD I PRACTICE IT?

>> Guillermo: YEAH.

>> I'D LIKE TO THANK MY MOTHER

AND FATHER FOR MAKING SEX IN A

TRUCK SO THAT I COULD BE BORN.

I DON'T THINK I COULD HAVE SAID

IT BETTER MYSELF.

THAT IS --

>> Guillermo: YOU DID IT --

YEAH, YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT.

>> SO THAT IF I HAVE TO.

>> Guillermo: OKAY.

DID YOU WROTE A SPEECH FOR

TODAY?

>> DID I WRITE A SPEECH?

NO, I DIDN'T WRITE A SPEECH.

>> Guillermo: HERE.

CAN YOU READ IT?

>> YEAH.

SEE?

I TOLD YOU I WAS THE BEST ACTOR

IN THE WORLD.

SUCK IT, EVERYBODY ELSE.

AFTER THE SHOW I KNOW I'LL BE AT

THE CABO WABO CANTINA.

MEET ME THERE.

>> Guillermo: HEY, DANNY, HOW

ARE YOU?

>> WHAT'S HAPPENING, BROTHER?

>> Guillermo: WELCOME TO THE

OSCARS.

>> THANK YOU, MAN.

>> Guillermo: I WANT YOU TO BE

HONEST.

ARE YOU GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS

[ BLEEP ]?

>> NO.

>> Guillermo: DANNY.

GOOD LUCK.

YOU'RE SUCH A TENDER LOVER.

GOOD LUCK TONIGHT.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> Guillermo: WHO DO YOU WANT TO

WIN?

>> EVERYBODY.

WHY CAN'T THEY MAKE THAT HAPPEN?

>> Guillermo: AND WHO DO YOU

WANT TO LOSE?

>> A FEW PEOPLE.

>> Guillermo: HI.

HOW ARE YOU?

>> HOW ARE YOU?

YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.

>> Guillermo: YOU TOO.

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

>> I WANT TO TAKE YOU HOME AND

PUT YOU ON MY SHELF.

>> Guillermo: OH, MY GOD.

>> YOU LOOK LIKE OSCAR HIMSELF.

>> Guillermo: CAN YOU SIGN MY

DVD?

THIS IS MY FAVORITE DVD.

>> I'M NOT IN IT, THOUGH.

>> Guillermo: BUT IT'S OKAY.

THIS IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE.

LOOK.

>> I LOVE THAT MOVIE.

>> I'M NOT IN IT.

>> Guillermo: YOU'RE NOT IN IT?

>> NO.

>> Guillermo: BUT CAN YOU STILL

SIGN IT?

>> NO.

>> YEAH.

THAT'S ME.

>> THERE YOU GO.

>> Guillermo: MATTHEW!

MATTHEW!

MATTHEW McCONAHA.

THIS IS MY SECOND FAVORITE

MOVIE.

>> WHAT'S YOUR FIRST FAVORITE?

>> Guillermo: "GREASE."

JOHN TRAVOLTA.

>> WHY DIDN'T YOU BRING THAT

ONE?

>> Guillermo: OH, I COULDN'T

FIND IT.

THEY DIDN'T HAVE IT AT AMOEBA.

>> THEY DIDN'T HAVE IT AT

AMOEBA?

>> Guillermo: YOU ARE SO

BEAUTIFUL.

>> YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL TOO.

WE'RE BOTH MATCHING TODAY.

>> Guillermo: YEAH, WE ALMOST

MATCH.

>> WE CAN GO DANCE SALSA AFTER

THIS.

ARE YOU GOING TO DIP ME?

>> Guillermo: YEAH.

>> ONE, TWO, THREE.

THAT WAS SUCCESSFUL.

>> Guillermo: YEAH.

>> MWAH.

>> Guillermo: MWAH.

ARE YOU HUNGRY?

>> YEAH, ABSOLUTELY.

>> Guillermo: OKAY, LOOK.

>> A KABOODLE.

>> CAN I GET THIS?

>> Guillermo: ANYTHING YOU WANT.

AS LONG AS YOU TIP ME.

>> LISTEN, I DON'T HAVE ANY CASH

ON ME.

>> HERE.

I DON'T REALLY HAVE VERY MUCH.

NO, THAT'S OKAY.

THAT SEEMS LIKE TOO MUCH.

>> Guillermo: THANK YOU VERY

MUCH.

AND GOOD LUCK TONIGHT.

ALL RIGHT?

>> THANK YOU SO MUCH.

>> Guillermo: ALL RIGHT.

>> HE ACTUALLY TOOK THE MONEY.

OKAY.

COOL.

>> Guillermo: BYE-BYE.

DO YOU WANT TO TRY SOMETHING

FROM MY SHOES?

>> FROM YOUR SHOES?

>> Guillermo: YEAH.

>> WHAT'S THAT ABOUT?

>> Guillermo: HERE, YOU WANT MY

LEFT OR MY RIGHT?

MY LEFT IS TEQUILA AND THIS IS

WHISKEY.

>> Guillermo: THE TEQUILA'S

ALWAYS RIGHT.

>> [ SPEAKING FOREIGN

LANGUAGE ].

>> Guillermo: THIS IS YOUR FIRST

TIME --

>> OH, MY GOD, THAT IS TEQUILA.

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> THAT IS TEQUILA.

>> Guillermo: OH, MY GOD, YOU

LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL.

>> THANK YOU.

YOU WANT TO TAKE ME OUT ON A

DATE?

>> Guillermo: YEAH.

FOR REAL?

>> YEAH, FOR REAL.

>> Guillermo: WHEN?

TONIGHT?

>> NO.

NOT TONIGHT.

WHAT ABOUT THURSDAY NIGHT?

>> Guillermo: THURSDAY NIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

I'VE GOT TO CHECK MY SCHEDULE.

>> CHECK YOUR SCHEDULE.

LET ME KNOW.

>> Guillermo: YOU KNOW MERYL

STREEP?

LOOK.

>> OH, MY GOD!

>> Guillermo: MERYL.

MERYL.

MERYL!

HEY, TELL HER I'M HERE.

[ APPLAUSE ]

CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT MERYL

STREEP SMELL?

>> WHAT SHE SMELL LIKE?

>> Guillermo: YEAH.

>> SHE SMELLS LIKE SUCCESS.

>> Guillermo: AND ME?

>> NO, YOU SMELL LIKE ALCOHOL.

WA ARE YOU DRINKING?

TEQUILA?

>> Guillermo: YEAH.

YOU WANT SOME?

>> HELL NO.

>> Guillermo: WHY?

>> BECAUSE I'LL GET PREGNANT.

I DON'T WANT TO GET PREGNANT

TONIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Guillermo: WELL, THERE YOU

HAVE IT.

I TALKED TO A LOT OF PEOPLE.

A LOT OF CELEBRITIES DRINK OUT

MIFF SHOES.

THERE'S A LOT OF GERMS RIGHT

HERE.

BUT I HAD A FLU SHOT.

SO WHO CARES?

I'LL SEE YOU NEXT YEAR.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

>> Guillermo: THANK YOU, JIMMY.

>> Jimmy: FIRE THAT THING OFF

AGAIN.