just for a few minutes

首先我想帶大家跟我一起

to a dark night in China,

用幾分鐘回憶

the night I met my husband.

那個在中國的深夜

It was a city so long ago that it was still called

那個我初遇我先夫的夜晚

Peking.

那是個歷史悠久的城市，而它至今仍被稱作

So I went to a party.

北京

I sat down next to a stout, middle-aged man

那晚我參加了一個派對

with owl glasses and a bow tie,

我在一個矮胖的中年男子身旁坐下

and he turned out to be a Fulbright scholar,

他戴著一副圓眼鏡，打了一個領結

there in China specifically to study

他自稱是「傅爾布萊特計畫」的學者

Sino-Soviet relations.

到中國來研究

What a gift it was to the eager,

中國和蘇聯的關係

young foreign correspondent that I was then.

對那時候是年輕駐外記者的我

I'd pump him for information,

是一個多麼及時的禮物

I'm mentally scribbling notes

我撲向他汲取信息

for the stories I plan to write.

我用心記下筆記

I talk to him for hours.

為我將要寫的故事做準備

Only months later,

我跟他交流了幾小時

I discover who he really was.

僅僅在幾個月之後，

He was the China representative

我才發現他到底是誰

for the American Soybean Association.

他是美國豆類協會

"I don't understand. Soybeans?

在中國的代表

You told me you were a Fulbright scholar."

“我不理解，大豆？

"Well, how long would you have talked to me

你告訴我的，你是「傅爾布萊特計畫」學者。”

if I told you we're in soybeans?"

“好吧，如果我告訴你我是做大豆的，

(Laughter)

你會跟我聊多久呢？”

I said, "You jerk."

（笑）

Only jerk wasn't the word I used.

我說，“你這個混蛋。”

I said, "You could've gotten me fired."

當然 “混蛋” 不是當時我用的詞

And he said, "Let's get married."

我說，“你可能會害我被開除。”

(Laughter)

然後他說，“我們結婚吧。”

"Travel the world and have lots of kids."

（笑）

So we did.

“環遊世界，生一堆孩子。”

(Laughter)

所以，我們結婚了。

(Applause)

（笑）

And what an alive man Terence Bryan Foley

（鼓掌）

turned out to be.

結果，特倫斯．布茉恩．佛利

He was a Chinese scholar

是多麼有趣的人

who later, in his 60s,

他曾是研究中國的學者

got a Ph.D. in Chinese history.

之後在他60多歲時

He spoke six languages,

取得了中國歷史博士學位

he played 15 musical instruments,

他說六種語言

he was a licensed pilot,

他會演奏15種樂器

he had once been a San Francisco cable car operator,

他是認證的飛行員

he was an expert in swine nutrition,

他曾經是一名舊金山的纜車操作員

dairy cattle, Dixieland jazz, film noir,

他曾專精於乳豬的飼養

and we did travel the country, and the world,

產小牛，迪克西蘭 (Dixieland) 爵士樂，黑色電影

and we did have a lot of kids.

我們遊遍中國，和世界各地

We followed my job, and it seemed like

我們的確有了很多小孩

there was nothing that we couldn't do.

我們隨我的工作周遊，而且一切看上去

So when we found the cancer,

似乎沒有什麼是不可能的

it doesn't seem strange to us at all

所以，當我們發現癌症時

that without saying a word to each other,

我們也不覺得怪異

we believed that,

也沒有相互說些什麼

if we were smart enough

我們曾相信，

and strong enough and brave enough,

只要我們夠聰明

and we worked hard enough,

夠堅強、勇敢

we could keep him from dying ever.

夠努力

And for years, it seemed like we were succeeding.

我們就能永遠讓他遠離死亡

The surgeon emerged from the surgery.

剛開始，我們似乎成功了

What'd he say? He said what surgeons always say:

手術後，外科醫生走出來

"We got it all."

他說了什麼？他說了外科醫生都會說的話：

Then there was a setback when the pathologists

“一切在我們掌控中。”

looked at the kidney cancer closely.

然後，當病理學醫師仔細研究腎癌之後

It turned out to be a rare,

他帶來了失望的消息

exceedingly aggressive type,

它是一種很罕見的

with a diagnosis that was almost universally fatal

極其惡性的類型

in several weeks at most.

並很有可能

And yet, he did not die.

幾週內就會死亡。

Mysteriously, he lived on.

然而，他沒有過世

He coached Little League for our son.

奇蹟般地活了下來

He built a playhouse for our daughter.

他是我們的兒子 “小聯盟” 的教練

And meanwhile, I'm burying myself in the Internet

他為我們的女兒建了遊戲屋

looking for specialists.

同時，我埋頭在網路上

I'm looking for a cure.

尋找專家

So a year goes by

尋找治療的方法

before the cancer, as cancers do,

在癌症復發之前

reappears,

一年過去了

and with it comes another death sentence,

癌又回來了

this time nine months.

另一個死刑出現了

So we try another treatment, aggressive, nasty.

這次只有九個月

It makes him so sick, he has to quit it,

所以我們嘗試了另外一種治療方案，激進，艱險，

yet still he lives on.

它讓他羸弱到他必須放棄治療，

Then another year goes by.

然而，他依舊活了下來

Two years go by.

一年又過去了

More specialists.

兩年過去了

We take the kids to Italy.

更多的專家

We take the kids to Australia.

我們帶著孩子去義大利

And then more years pass,

我們帶著孩子去澳大利亞

and the cancer begins to grow.

很多年過去了

This time, there's new treatments on the horizon.

癌症又復發了

They're exotic. They're experimental.

這次，一種新的治療方法剛剛出現

They're going to attack the cancer in new ways.

它們異乎尋常，它們是實驗性的。

So he enters a clinical trial, and it works.

它們用一種新方式攻擊癌症

The cancer begins to shrink,

他接受了實驗治療，發揮了效用

and for the third time,

癌症開始減少

we've dodged death.

這是我們第三次

So now I ask you,

迴避了死亡

how do I feel

所以，現在我問你

when the time finally comes

我是作何感想

and there's another dark night,

當那一刻終於到來

sometime between midnight and 2 a.m.?

在另外一個漆黑的深夜

This time it's on the intensive care ward

大概在午夜和半夜兩點之間？

when a twentysomething resident

這次是在重症看護病房

that I've never met before

一個二十多歲的住院醫生

tells me that Terence is dying,

我從來沒見過的

perhaps tonight.

告訴我，特倫斯將要死去

So what do I say when he says,

也許就在今晚

"What do you want me to do?"

當他說 “妳希望我為妳做什麽？”

There's another drug out there.

我說了什麼？

It's newer. It's more powerful.

現在有另外一種藥物

He started it just two weeks ago.

它更新穎，更有療效

Perhaps there's still hope ahead.

他兩週前才開始服用它

So what do I say?

也許還有希望

I say, "Keep him alive if you can."

所以我說了什麽？

And Terence died six days later.

我說，“儘可能讓他活著."

So we fought, we struggled, we triumphed.

但特倫斯在六天後離開了。

It was an exhilarating fight,

我們抗爭，我們掙扎，我們戰勝

and I'd repeat the fight today

那是一場令人興奮的戰鬥

without a moment's hesitation.

我隨時都可以再做一次選擇

We fought together, we lived together.

毫不猶豫

It turned what could have been

我們並肩戰鬥，我們並肩生存，

seven of the grimmest years of our life

那本來可能是

into seven of the most glorious.

七年嚴酷的生活

It was also an expensive fight.

結果是最光輝的七年

It was the kind of fight and the kind of choices

那也是一場昂貴的戰鬥

that everyone here agrees

那是那種戰鬥和那種選擇

pump up the cost of end-of-life care,

我們這裡的每個人都會同意

and of healthcare for all of us.

消耗了一生的醫療保險

And for me, for us,

和我們所有的醫療保健

we pushed the fight right over the edge,

對於我，對於我們

and I never got the chance to say to him

我們一直在抗爭的前線

what I say to him now almost every day:

我先前一直沒有機會對他說

"Hey, buddy, it was a hell of a ride."

我現在幾乎每天都會對他說

We never got the chance to say goodbye.

”那真是一段如同地獄的經歷。“

We never thought it was the end.

我們從來沒有機會說再見

We always had hope.

我們從來不認為那就是結局

So what do we make of all of this?

我們一直保持希望

Being a journalist, after Terence died,

所以我們到底得到了什麽？

I wrote a book, "The Cost Of Hope."

作為一名記者，在特倫斯死後，

I wrote it because I wanted to know

我寫了一本書，”希望的代價"

why I did what I did,

我寫這本書是因為我想知道

why he did what he did,

爲什麽我那麼做

why everyone around us did what they did.

爲什麽他那麼做

And what did I discover?

爲什麽每個在我們周圍的人那麼做

Well, one of the things I discovered is that

猜猜我發現了什麽？

experts think that one answer to

在我發現的事情中，其間一件是：

what I did at the end was a piece of paper,

專家們認為，爲什麽我那麼做

the advance directive,

的理由，是一張紙

to help families get past the seemingly irrational choices.

一個事前的導引

Yet I had that piece of paper.

幫助親人放棄不合理的選擇

We both did.

然而，我那時有那張紙

And they were readily available.

我們都有

I had them right at hand.

它們很有用

Both of them said the same thing:

它們就在我的手裡

Do nothing if there is no further hope.

它們都告訴我們一件事：

I knew Terence's wishes

"在絕望時，靜觀其變"

as clearly and as surely as I knew my own.

我知道特倫斯的希望

Yet we never got to no further hope.

就像我知道自己的希望一樣清晰和明確

Even with that clear-cut paper in our hands,

但我們從來未曾奢求

we just kept redefining hope.

即使那張表達明確的意向書就在我們手裡

I believed I could keep him from dying,

我們只是不斷重新定義希望

and I'd be embarrassed to say that if I hadn't seen

我相信我可以讓他遠離死亡

so many people and have talked to so many people

我可能會很尷尬那麼說，要不是我看到

who have felt exactly the same way.

那麼多人，跟那麼多人交談

Right up until days before his death,

都認同我的感受

I felt strongly

就在他去世的前幾天

and powerfully, and, you might say, irrationally,

我強而有力地感覺到

that I could keep him from dying ever.

你可以說是無理地

Now, what do the experts call this?

我可以永遠讓他遠離死亡。

They say it's denial.

專家們該如何解釋我的反應？

It's a strong word, isn't it?

他們說這是拒絕接受

Yet I will tell you that denial

這是一個強硬的詞，不是嗎？

isn't even close to a strong enough word

然而我要告訴你，拒絕接受，

to describe what those of us

一點也不算不上是強硬

facing the death of our loved ones go through.

來描述那些失去所愛的人

And I hear the medical professionals say,

要經歷的一切。

"Well, we'd like to do such-and-such,

我聽到一個醫學專家說，

but the family's in denial.

“我們想要做這個那個

The family won't listen to reason.

但是親人拒絕接受

They're in denial.

親人不願聽取原因

How can they insist on this treatment at the end?

他們拒絕接受

It's so clear, yet they're in denial."

他們是怎樣堅持治療到最後的？

Now, I think this maybe isn't

很簡單，他們拒絕接受現實。”

a very useful way of thinking.

現在，我想這也許

It's not just families either.

不是一種有用的思考方式

The medical professionals too,

不只是親人

you out there, you're in denial too.

醫學專家也一樣

You want to help. You want to fix.

你們在那裡，你們也拒絕現實

You want to do.

你們希望幫助，希望解決問題

You've succeeded in everything you've done,

你們希望有所作為

and having a patient die,

你們在你做的所有事情中取得成功

well, that must feel like failure.

然而有一位病人正在死去

I saw it firsthand.

那一定感覺就是失敗

Just days before Terence died,

我親眼所見

his oncologist said,

就在特倫斯死去的前幾天

"Tell Terence that better days are just ahead."

他的腫瘤學家說，

Days before he died.

“告訴特倫斯，明天會更好。”

Yet Ira Byock,

就在他去世的前幾天

the director of palliative medicine at Dartmouth

愛拉碧阿克 (Ira Byock)

said, "You know, the best doctor in the world

達特茅斯安寧療護的主任

has never succeeded in making anyone immortal."

說，“你知道的，世界上最好的醫生

So what the experts call "denial," I call "hope,"

從沒有成功讓任何一個人長生不死。”

and I'd like to borrow a phrase

所以，專家們所謂的“拒絕承認”，我稱之為“希望”

from my friends in software design.

我想借用我一位

You just redefine denial and hope,

從事軟體工作朋友的一句話

and it becomes a feature of being human.

你只是重新定義拒絕與希望，

It's not a bug.

它成為了人類的特質

It's a feature.

這不是錯誤 (bug)

(Laughter)

這是特色

So we need to think more constructively

（笑）

about this very common, very profound

所以我們需要更有建設性的思考

and very powerful human emotion.

關於非常普遍，意義深遠

It's part of the human condition,

且強大的人類情感

and yet our system and our thinking

它是人類的一部分

isn't built to accommodate it.

因此我們的系統和思維

So Terence told me a story on that long-ago night,

不是用來適應它的

and I believed it.

特倫斯在很久以前的夜裡講了個故事給我聽

Maybe I wanted to believe it.

我相信它

And during Terence's illness, I, we,

也許是我想要去相信它

we wanted to believe the story

在特倫斯生病期間，我，我們

of our fight together too.

我們要去相信這個故事

Giving up the fight -- for that's how it felt,

關於我們共同抗爭的故事

it felt like giving up --

放棄抗爭 -- 就像什麽感覺呢

meant giving up not only his life

感覺在放棄 --

but also our story,

意味著不僅僅放棄他的生命

our story of us as fighters,

也在放棄我們的故事

the story of us as invincible,

我們作為抗爭者的故事

and for the doctors, the story of themselves

我們戰而不敗的故事

as healers.

對於醫生們，

So what do we need?

是作為治療者的故事

Maybe we don't need a new piece of paper.

所以我們需要什麽？

Maybe we need a new story,

也許我們並不需要一張新紙

not a story about giving up the fight

也許我们需要一個新的故事

or of hopelessness,

不是關於放棄抗爭的故事

but rather a story of victory and triumph,

或者絕望的故事

of a valiant battle and, eventually,

而是一個巨大勝利的故事

a graceful retreat,

關於一場勇敢的戰爭，並且最終

a story that acknowledges

優雅的撤退

that not even the greatest general defeats every foe,

一個故事闡明了

that no doctor has ever succeeded

即使是最偉大的將軍也不能打敗每個敵人

in making anyone immortal,

沒有一個醫生曾成功

and that no wife, no matter how hard she tried,

讓任何人不死

has ever stopped even the bravest,

沒有一位妻子，不管她多麼努力，

wittiest and most maddeningly lovable husband

曾經阻止過最勇敢、

from dying when it was his time to go.

最有智慧、最熱愛的丈夫

People did mention hospice,

在那一刻來臨時，遠離死亡。

but I wouldn't listen.

人們提到過臨終關懷醫院

Hospice was for people who were dying,

但是我沒有聽進去

and Terence wasn't dying.

臨終關懷醫院是為將要死去的人準備的

As a result, he spent just four days in hospice,

但是特倫斯不會死去

which I'm sure, as you all know,

結果，他只在臨終關懷醫院停留了四天

is a pretty typical outcome,

我相信，大家也明白

and we never said goodbye

這是個很典型的結果

because we were unprepared for the end.

我們從來沒有說再見

We have a noble path to curing the disease,

因為我們沒有準備好結束

patients and doctors alike,

我們有高貴的治療方式

but there doesn't seem to be

病人和醫生一樣

a noble path to dying.

但是似乎沒有

Dying is seen as failing,

高貴的死去方式