Hey, guys.

嗨大家

Grant, here.

我是 Grant

If you're single like me,

如果你跟我一樣是單身

you might have tough time cooking

你可能會煩惱煮飯

or grocery shopping

或是買東西

without throwing away a ton of food.

因為每次一買可能都要丟掉很多食物

You might also have a Peter Pan Complex

你可能會有彼得潘症候群

and the feeling that no one loves you

還有沒有人愛你的感覺

because deep down, you don't deserve it.

因為打從心底，你就覺得你不值得

Here are five tips to help with the first thing.

讓我跟大家分享五個面對單身的小秘訣

(chiming)

(鐘聲響)

The first thing I recommend for single people

我向單身的人建議的第一件事是

is to skip cooking all together.

不要自己煮

Get take out.

去買外賣吧！

It really cuts down on the sad factor

這真的會減少一些

of standing over a small burner alone.

獨自站在小火爐前的悲傷感

Um, Grant, I'm single

Grant，我單身

but I like cooking.

但是我在煮飯

You're lying to yourself.

你就在騙你自己

The only people who like cooking

那些真的喜歡煮菜的人

are the ones with someone to cook for.

就是那些有對象的人

That ain't you, Buster,

那不是你

and at this rate,

照這樣看來

it might never be.

你永遠不會是

(cork popping)

(打開軟木塞聲)

Sometimes getting take out

有時候去買外賣

just isn't practical.

不實際

On those nights,

在那些夜晚

I like to call in the Navy.

我喜歡把最愛的垃圾食物軍隊叫出來

Captain Crunch and Captain Morgan.

Crunch (食物品牌) 隊長以及 Morgan (酒品牌) 隊長

The breakfast cereal's an inexpensive source of carbs

早餐麥片是不貴的碳水化合物來源

to fill your stomach but not your soul

它可以填滿你胃而不是你的心靈

and alcohol will put you to sleep

酒精會助眠

so you can stop feeling this way.

所以你就可以不用一直感覺到單身的悲傷

Now, doctors say alcohol's a depressant

現在，醫生說酒精是鎮靜藥

but those know-it-alls don't know real depression.

但是那些會這樣說的人不知道真正的憂鬱

They probably all have kids and houses.

他們可能都有孩子和房子

(cork popping)

(打開軟木塞聲)

From time to time,

有時

you gotta fire up the oven and make a lasagna,

你需要開火做義大利麵

the way mom used to make.

就像媽媽之前煮的一樣

It has all the carby goodness of cereal

它有麥片裡好的碳水化合物

and it smells like childhood.

聞起來又像童年

Remember that smell?

你記得那個味道嗎？

Oh, God, you were so happy then, weren't you?

喔天啊，你那時候很開心，不是嗎？

You had so much potential.

你那時候有很多的可能性

You hadn't disappointed so many people,

你還沒有讓那麼多人失望

most of all yourself.

大部分的你自己

When you're done,

當你吃完

go ahead and leave the whole pan in the sink.

就把整個鍋子放在水槽

Who's gonna care?

誰會在乎呢？

Please.

請

Somebody care?

有人在乎嗎？

(cork popping)

(打開軟木塞聲)

I date.

我有去約會

I do, I date a lot.

我真的有，我約會很多次

Enough anyway.

已經夠多了

It doesn't work out

但都沒有成功

and I tell myself

我告訴我自己

it wasn't the right person but

他不是對的人但是

I don't know.

我不知道

Could it be

他可能是

that I don't want someone who wants me

我不想要那些想要我的人

because what kind of person would want me?

因為到底哪種人會喜歡我？

Therapist.

心理治療師

I can't afford a therapist.

但我負擔不起心理治療師的費用

I have student loans.

我還有學貸

That's another thing.

那又是另一件事情

Why would anyone date someone

到底為什麼會有人想跟一個

who's so fucking broke all the time?

破產的人約會呢？

Why, would I inflict myself

為什麼我要連累

on someone else?

其他人呢？

Ah, yeah.

恩對

Don't buy too much.

不要買太多

(cork popping)

(打開軟木塞聲)

(chiming)

(鐘聲響)

(popping)

(砰)

(popping)

(砰)

(popping)

(砰)

(popping)

(砰)

(upbeat instrumental music)

(愉悅的音樂)

Fuck.

F*ck

(heartbeat)

(心跳聲)

Hey, it's Grant from College Humor.

嗨，我是 College Humor 的 Grant

Click here to subscribe to the channel.

點這裡訂閱我們的頻道

Click here for more fun stuff.

點這裡來看更多有趣的影片

Sorry, you guys.

對不起大家

It feels like I'm out.

看起來我的畫面被切掉了

Am I out?

是嗎？

'Cause I can like,

因為我可以

I can see the top of the camera so it's-

看到攝影機的最上面

Is this better?

這樣有比較好嗎？

Alright, it feels worse.

好吧，好像更糟

Okay, thanks for watching.

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