- I promise you. - Fine, look.

- I'm looking it up. - OK.

Can birds cough?

(gasps) Oh my god!

Your phone doesn't have a case.

Yeah, I know, so?

I'm here for protective services.

I wanna speak to Mr. Mike Trapp about a caseless phone.

Yeah, he's right here.

Shit, when I think about what that phone must have been through!

Protective services?

I don't, hey, hey!

It's gonna be OK.

Hey, the way I take care of my phone is my business!

And now it's my business because this looks like negligence to me.

Just another deadbeat who's too focused on his own life to protect the small fragile one in his care.

Negligence?

No, it just doesn't have a case, it's fine.

Got any scratches or dents you wanna show me, buddy?

OK, can you stop harassing it?

Come on, phone, let's get out a here.

I know your type!

You think you're gonna live forever.

No.

Cruising 90 down the highway, seatbelt off, wind in your hair, booze in your brain.

No.

You wanna fuck your own life up, pal, you go right ahead!

But you gotta phone now.

You gotta think of your phone!

Think of the phone!

Don't you love it?

Yes, I love my phone.

I love a lot a things about it.

I love how thin it is.

Then make it thicker.

I love how responsive the touchscreen is.

Then cover the screen with plastic.

I love how carefully it was designed.

Then hide that design under a big, yellow minions case.

No.

No!

Phones shouldn't have to live like this.

You don't need to listen to them yelling.

You take care of your phone the way you want,

and I'll take care of mine the way I want.

But you're not taking care of it.

The world is a dangerous place,

and you need to protect this.

I am protecting--

Let me paint you a little picture.

God, no.

You come home after a long day, you're tired.

You got your phone in your hand as you walk into the house.

You think, "Hey, maybe I'll just toss it on the coffee table."

See I wouldn't do that.

Just toss it right over there.

Whoop, right onto the table.

When all of a sudden, bam!

Bet ya suddenly wish you had two inches

of all-American vulcanized rubber

around the most valuable thing you own!

No, because I wouldn't toss it

because it doesn't have a case.

(scoffs)

Lemme tell you a story.

God fucking damn it!

I know this guy, a lot like you actually.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

A lot like you.

He's out with his friends at a bar.

He's got his phone, no case, just out on the table.

OK, I'm going to stop you right there.

I would not put my phone on a table.

Well, you gotta take it out of your pocket.

Yeah, it's so bulky.

It's not bulky because it doesn't have a case!

No need to be embarrassed.

Yeah, we all do it.

I don't.

Look, my phone is either always in my pocket--

Anyway, so this guy, he's having a great time--

- In a death grip in my hand-- - Boop!

- Just knock over that beer. - Or charging next to my bed.

- Spills all over the table! - Why would it need to be anywhere else?

Doesn't fall directly on the phone, but look at this.

- Drip, drip, drip. Water damage - It's incredibly expensive.

Instant death!

Buddy, you gotta put on a centimeter of plastic around that phone

so you can toss it around with your friends.

You can crack walnuts with it, you can take it into the pool just like the rest of us decent folks who know how to protect something precious!

Did you like the cocoa?

I don't want to make my phone objectively worse

for just a little bit more security.

Then I'm going to have to take it into protective custody.

(groans) Fine, fine, I'll put a case on it.

We're gonna get you a case, OK?

You're gonna be OK. (chuckles then gasps)

(phone clattering floor) - Oh.

[Both] That was your fault!

No, that was all you.

- If you had a case on that,

- it wouldn't have happened. - You dropped it!

How is it my fault?

Because if you had a case on it,

it wouldn't have mattered!

- Not again! - I don't put a case on it--

- Not again! (sobbing) - I don't drop my phone!

Hi, it's Mike Trapp from CollegeHumor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun things. And send help to keep me from sinking, please!