- I promise you. - Fine, look.

- 絕對有！- 好啦！

- I'm looking it up. - OK.

- 我現在來查。 - 好！

Can birds cough?

鳥會咳嗽嗎？

(gasps) Oh my god!

(倒抽一口氣) 天啊！

Your phone doesn't have a case.

你的手機沒有手機殼！

Yeah, I know, so?

我知道啊，所以呢？

I'm here for protective services.

我是來執行保護性服務的。

I wanna speak to Mr. Mike Trapp about a caseless phone.

我想找 Mike Trapp 先生談談關於手機沒有手機殼的問題。

Yeah, he's right here.

他就在這！

Shit, when I think about what that phone must have been through!

X 的，我不敢想像那支手機到底經歷了什麼。

Protective services?

保護性服務？

I don't, hey, hey!

我根本沒...嘿你幹嘛？！

It's gonna be OK.

你會沒事的！

Hey, the way I take care of my phone is my business!

嘿！怎麼處理我的手機是我的事！

And now it's my business because this looks like negligence to me.

而現在我管定了，因為在我看來這是 (照顧) 疏忽。

Just another deadbeat who's too focused on his own life to protect the small fragile one in his care.

又是一個遊手好閒、只在乎自己而無法保護脆弱的小傢伙的人！

Negligence?

疏忽？

No, it just doesn't have a case, it's fine.

不，只是沒有手機殼而已，沒什麼大不了的。

Got any scratches or dents you wanna show me, buddy?

孩子，你身上有任何刮痕或凹痕嗎？

OK, can you stop harassing it?

好了，可以不要再騷擾它了嗎？

Come on, phone, let's get out a here.

手機，我們走吧！

I know your type!

我了解你這種人！

You think you're gonna live forever.

就是那種覺得自己死不了。

No.

不是這樣的！

Cruising 90 down the highway, seatbelt off, wind in your hair, booze in your brain.

在公路上漫無目的地超速、不繫安全帶、讓風恣意吹亂頭髮、喝酒喝昏頭。

No.

並沒有這樣！

You wanna fuck your own life up, pal, you go right ahead!

老兄，你想毀掉你的人生，慢走不送！

But you gotta phone now.

但你有了手機，

You gotta think of your phone!

你要想想你的手機！

Think of the phone!

想想你的手機！

Don't you love it?

你不愛它嗎？

Yes, I love my phone.

我當然愛我的手機！

I love a lot a things about it.

它的很多點我都愛，

I love how thin it is.

我愛它是如此的薄，

Then make it thicker.

讓它變厚一點啊！

I love how responsive the touchscreen is.

我愛它的觸控螢幕是如此的靈敏，

Then cover the screen with plastic.

那就用手機殼保護好螢幕啊！

I love how carefully it was designed.

我愛它的設計是如此精細，

Then hide that design under a big, yellow minions case.

那就用又大又黃的小小兵手機套保護它吧！

No.

不要！

No!

絕對不要！

Phones shouldn't have to live like this.

手機不該過這樣的生活。

You don't need to listen to them yelling.

你不必聽他們大呼小叫。

You take care of your phone the way you want,

你用你的方式照顧手機。

and I'll take care of mine the way I want.

我用我的方式照顧。

But you're not taking care of it.

但是你根本沒照顧它啊！

The world is a dangerous place,

世界何其危險，

and you need to protect this.

而你必須好好保護它！

I am protecting--

我有在保護--

Let me paint you a little picture.

讓我來描述一個情境：

God, no.

拜託不要！

You come home after a long day, you're tired.

一整天下來，你回到家已經累翻了，

You got your phone in your hand as you walk into the house.

你拿著手機走進屋內，

You think, "Hey, maybe I'll just toss it on the coffee table."

你會想「嘿，我就順手把手機丟在茶几上」。

See I wouldn't do that.

聽著，我根本不會這樣做！

Just toss it right over there.

丟在那就好。

Whoop, right onto the table.

正好丟在桌上。

When all of a sudden, bam!

忽然就「碰」的一聲！

Bet ya suddenly wish you had two inches

我敢賭你會突然希望自己擁有，

of all-American vulcanized rubber

一些如輪胎般堅固的橡膠！

around the most valuable thing you own!

來保護你最珍貴的東西！

No, because I wouldn't toss it

根本不會好嗎！我不會拿來丟！

because it doesn't have a case.

因為沒有裝手機殼。

(scoffs)

(嘲諷地一笑)

Lemme tell you a story.

我跟你說個故事：

God fucking damn it!

天啊，該死的！

I know this guy, a lot like you actually.

我認識的一個人，其實跟你很像，

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

- 哦，是嗎？ - 對。

A lot like you.

很像你，

He's out with his friends at a bar.

他和朋友去酒吧，

He's got his phone, no case, just out on the table.

他帶著沒有手機殼的手機，放在桌上，

OK, I'm going to stop you right there.

好了，故事到這裡就好。

I would not put my phone on a table.

因為我不會把手機放在桌上！

Well, you gotta take it out of your pocket.

可你總是要從口袋裡拿出來啊！

Yeah, it's so bulky.

對啊，手機那麼笨重。

It's not bulky because it doesn't have a case!

沒有手機殼的手機一點都不笨重！

No need to be embarrassed.

別覺得不好意思。

Yeah, we all do it.

我們都有這樣的時候。

I don't.

我並不覺得不好意思啊！

Look, my phone is either always in my pocket--

聽著，我的手機不是在口袋--

Anyway, so this guy, he's having a great time--

反正這傢伙玩得很高興，

- In a death grip in my hand-- - Boop!

- 就是我緊抓在手上，-- - 然後，

- Just knock over that beer. - Or charging next to my bed.

- 啤酒打翻了， - 或是在床邊充電。

- Spills all over the table! - Why would it need to be anywhere else?

- 啤酒撒了滿桌， - 為什麼一定要放在其他地方？

Doesn't fall directly on the phone, but look at this.

是沒有直接灑在手機上，但你看，

- Drip, drip, drip. Water damage - It's incredibly expensive.

水就這樣滴下來造成傷害！ -手機這麼貴！

Instant death!

當場死亡！

Buddy, you gotta put on a centimeter of plastic around that phone

老兄，你用個手機殼，

so you can toss it around with your friends.

就可以隨便把玩手機！

You can crack walnuts with it, you can take it into the pool just like the rest of us decent folks who know how to protect something precious!

可以用它來敲碎核桃，或把它帶進水池裡，就像我們這些體面的人類一樣懂得保護貴重物品！

Did you like the cocoa?

你喜歡喝可可嗎？

I don't want to make my phone objectively worse

我不想讓我的手機看起來更醜。

for just a little bit more security.

就為了增加一點安全性！

Then I'm going to have to take it into protective custody.

那我就要讓它接受保護性監禁了。

(groans) Fine, fine, I'll put a case on it.

(抱怨) 好啦、好啦，我會裝上手機套！

We're gonna get you a case, OK?

要幫你穿上手機殼囉，乖！

You're gonna be OK. (chuckles then gasps)

你會沒事的 (輕笑著，之後倒抽一口氣)。

(phone clattering floor) - Oh.

(手機嘩啦地摔在地上) - 噢！

[Both] That was your fault!

(同時) 這是你的錯！

No, that was all you.

不，都是你的錯！

- If you had a case on that,

如果你有裝上手機套，

- it wouldn't have happened. - You dropped it!

- 悲劇就不會發生！ - 明明就是你摔的！

How is it my fault?

怎麼就我的問題了？

Because if you had a case on it,

因為如果你有裝殼，

it wouldn't have mattered!

事態就不會這麼嚴重了！

- Not again! - I don't put a case on it--

- 不！怎麼又來了！ - 我不裝手機殼--

- Not again! (sobbing) - I don't drop my phone!

- 不！怎麼又發生這種事！ - 是因為我不會摔到手機！

Hi, it's Mike Trapp from CollegeHumor. Click here to subscribe. Click here for more fun things. And send help to keep me from sinking, please!

嗨！我是 CollegeHumor 的 Mike Trapp，按這裡訂閱此頻道，按這裡看更多新鮮趣事，然後拜託讓我不要再往下沉了！