I wanna be number one.

That's right.

Keith first.

- Keith first. - Keith first.

(laughs)

I want to be number one.

Today we're gonna eat like Donald Trump

for all of our meals.

Mm-hmm.

For breakfast, we have an Egg McMuffin

and a Diet Coke with a straw

and no coffee.

(somber music)

(groans)

It's good.

How many Diet Cokes?

Are we having one with every meal?

You're having twelve.

What, I'm not drinking 12.

I don't drink 12 glasses of water.

Uh uh.

Does he just have it, like, in an IV bag?

(burps) (sighs)

I've eaten half of this and I wanna take a nap.

This truly is fine dining.

Mm-hm

You know, it's fine.

Think we're gonna go get back to work

and then we'll come back

and have some delicious lunch.

I'm excited.

How are you drinking that?

I hate myself.

(lively horn music)

Sir...

- Please enjoy. - What the fuck is this?

Why bother drinking a sugar-free beverage if you're just gonna eat sugar next to it?

How is it?

Dry...like my soul.

Well, it's lunchtime.

Lunch.

We had our three cookie snack.

Mm-hmm, delicious.

I've got two Diet Cokes on my table.

What have we got today for lunch?

Okay.

(lively horn music)

- Wow. - Wow.

Wow.

Two Big Macs, two fish fillets.

Remove bread from sandwiches,

add lots of ketchup,

eat with knife and fork

or

pizza.

Scrape all toppings off and only eat that,

eat with knife and fork.

No, no,

- Why are you taking my bread? - Wait, what?

Why get a Big Mac if you take the bread away?

That's kind of the special part of the Big Mac.

I'm taking that lettuce back.

No, Aria don't do it.

Oh, God.

No!

Look at how he gooped out

all the ketchup into little dollops.

It's cute but it's aggressive.

No, I'm hungry.

That's like nothing.

This is not a meal.

It's a beautiful treat.

No, you're taking the bread away.

No.

How can you eat things like this?

You want this?

Thank you.

This is how babies eat.

- That's a large baby. - This is what babies eat.

This is how babies eat.

Babies eat ketchup

and they eat frozen food that's been baked.

Do we have any more?

Alright that's enough sludge after this, monsieur.

I think you need more. You just need one more.

No more, no sir, no thank you, sir.

There's so much ketchup on my plate.

You want more ketchup?

No.

I'm fucking hungry, okay.

I'm sorry for being very aggressive right now in this moment.

I need

the

fucking food.

Like, I'm not full.

You ate a lot, though and I'm proud of you.

(burps)

(laughing)

- My nose is running. - He's going through a lot.

He's going through a lot.

Oh, my God, why is this happening?

Aria, Aria.

Blow, blow, that's good.

I am baby.

(burps)

You're killing my friend.

Well, we'll see you in a little bit

when you bring us some more delicious food.

Bye.

Need some water.

You want some Diet Coke?

No.

(lively horn music)

It's the middle of the work day and I still have all of these fucking Diet Cokes. I feel like shit. I wonder how Keith's doing.

Feel like garbage.

I got a headache.

Can't have any more Diet Coke, I'm gonna die.

Excuse me, sir. Your afternoon Diet Cokes.

(groans)

What?

(lively horn music)

(can snaps)

(lively horn music)

I really just really need some water.

I will get you some water.

I haven't had any water.

Well, does Trump drink water?

Thank you.

(slurps loudly)

It's dinner time.

It's dinner time.

(lively horn music)

(surprised exclaiming)

Well-done steak with tureens of gravy,

bacon crumble salad

to be slathered with roquefort dressing.

I'm a ranch bitch.

I'm also a ranch bitch.

I haven't had a well-done steak in over a decade.

How much sauce does this guy ingest?

You've turned my plate into a gravy boat.

The steak might be floating at this point,

there's so much gravy.

This is like a decent meal at my auntie's house.

Your Aunt Keith's house?

Auntie.

Oh.

You can be my Aunt Keith if you want.

I would love to be Aunt Keith.

That'd be great.

Oh my God, lil' aunt.

Come on in, I'm cooking something for you.

Is your friend coming tonight for dinner?

Okay, I'll make a little extra.

I mean, the steak is actually pretty good.

Oh, God, oh, God.

This isn't that bad to me.

Aw, you're crushing that steak.

I'm starving.

So do you want dessert?

Hell fucking yeah.

The dessert is chocolate cream pie

and add two scoops of ice cream.

Just dump it out, just dump the bowl.

Just yeah, yeah, pour more liquid on my food, Aria.

I'm gonna fucking kill the intern.

(can snaps)

Goddammit.

If you don't even see me take one sip

out of a new one that you gave me,

why would you give me another one?

(straw clicking)

I'm pretending this is wine.

What a time we had today.

I haven't peed.

You need to go home

and you get a big jug, a big bowl--

You know what I always say,

"Go home, have a bowl of water."

Drink some water.

Have like a kale smoothie in the mornings.

Well, we'll see you next time on

We Eat Like A World Leader.

(laughs)

(choir music)

I just wanted to let you know that

last night at about 1:30

I had severe stomach pains and then proceeded

to fully shit my brains out.

I am so sorry.

It's okay, I just wanted you to know.

I hope we're still friends.

We are, it's cool, it's chill.

It's not the worst thing I've put in my body either.

(On March 2, 2018, reports emerged that Trump had begun eating healthier on doctor's orders.)

♪ America, America ♪

♪ God shed his grace on thee ♪