and one of the greatest comics ever. Please welcome back to the show, Mr. Bill Burr.

I don't know why I need the card here. I feel like we could do this without the card.

Did you watch the World Cup?

>>I watched some of the games. And then I watched the first half of the final.

You should watch the second half. It's way more important.

>>I didn't like the first goal! You should watch the second half. It's way more important.

>>I didn't like the first goal!

>>That f*ckin' guy flopped on the ground and then they gave him the kick and then it goes in...

>>...and he's jumpin' around with like no guilt

>>whatsoever and he's f*ckin' pointing at himself.

>>F*ck that guy. Dude, like, if I was that guy's dad

>>If I was his father and he did that--f*ck, don't ever f*ckin' do that again.

So, you're glad France won, right?

>>I love France, but I mean...

Really? Who loves France?

>>Yeah, it's great!

Oh god, I find it a painful bunch. I don't actually, I don't mind France--

>>Well it's nice you just don't like America.

Ohhh here we go.

>>Oh, here we go!

I don't dislike America--

>>Ah, if I see one more f*cking British or Australian c*nt hosting a show over here.

>>Sh*ttin' on America...

>>Jesus Christ.

>>Acting like you're squeegeeing our third eye. Really, Jim? Is it f*cked up? We didn't notice!

How are you, Bill Burr, telling me--

>>That should be a red flag right there that I'm telling you--

telling me that I'm a little bit curmudgeon-y. >>That should be a red flag right there that I'm telling you--

telling me that I'm a little bit curmudgeon-y.

>>That should be a red flag!

I always say about you, when they go, "What's Bill like?" and I go...

"He's gonna make an awesome 80 year old man."

You're gonna be the best f*cking guy at a nursing home going "Where's that other f*cking nurse, that other one was sh*t!"

"This one's stealin' my stuff!"

"I don't want the foreign woman. She complains too much!"

>>I love being old.

You just turned 50, how's that workin' out for ya?

>>It feels fine!

Yeah?

>>Yeah, I don't feel any different. Although I did 4 shows this weekend and I was tired.

>>And that never happens. I was like, tired from telling jokes and my back hurt.

>>So, maybe that is something.

You an exercising guy?

>>Yeah. I keep myself in--dude. You travel the country. For being 50, lookin' like this, I mean...

>>Most people blow out their bodies by the time they're like...

>>like 30. That's when I knew I was getting old 'cause I started meeting people on the road going "oh, this guy's got like 6 years on me"

>>And I'd be like, "how old are you?" He'd be like "28" and I'd be like "F*ck!"

I substance abuse the f*ck out of--I've been very open about cocaine use and alcohol and what not...

And then sometimes I meet people and it's like "I'm the same age as you!"

I'm like, what the f*ck happened to you?

I don't have good genes. My parents are unattractive people.

My mother f*ckin' pissed in that gene pool. Pissed in it!

>>I don't know, I really don't know what to do with that!

Nor do I!

>>Oh, I was gonna say something positive about drugs--

I've never heard anything negative!

>>There is something about if you did heroin at some point in your life, you have abs until you're like...70.

>>Have you noticed that? A lot of those rockstars--

And they get a lot of f*ckin' credit, heroin addicts.

Like, if they give up heroin people are like "you know he used to be on heroin, but he gave it up." They're like, "That's really impressive."

It's like if you give up smoking, everyone always praises you, like "well done giving up smoking".

No one ever compliments the c*nt who never smoked!

No one goes, "well done for avoiding that!"

They always get to the junkie and give him a hug, like, "you're a good person."

>>There's no movie, there's no arc. They're not living under a bridge.

I had a friend who was a junkie and now everyone praises him all the time. >>There's no movie, there's no arc. They're not living under a bridge.

I had a friend who was a junkie and now everyone praises him all the time.

And his lowest point was, he was at his grandmother's funeral and it was an open casket--

and he acted like he was crying over the coffin and he was stealing rings--

>>Oh wow.

And then he tells the story and he goes, "that's behind me", and then people are like

"I wanna marry that guy".

And you're like, "That's a f*ckin' piece of shit!"

>>Yeah. Yeah.

>>If he didn't do heroin, he would've been a banker or something.

>>Stealing old people's pensions or something like that. Yeah, I--

>>I know a guy with mental illness and he tries to blame it on mental illness all the time

>>and it's just like, "nah, dude. That was very...thought out..."

>>"...c*ntiness that you just did there, so. Stop acting like you're outside talking to a tree."

>>You're not that kind of crazy.

Alright, ladies and gentlemen, Bill Burr!

Bill Burr's Monday Morning Podcast can be heard every week on All Things Comedy. Thanks, Bill.

>>Yeah, man. I had a great time.