GENTLEMEN, ARE YOU IN FOR AN ENORMOUS TREAT.

BECAUSE MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS THE MY AND PEABODY

AWARD-WINNING HOST OF "LAST WEEK TONIGHT," BUT HE'S BEST KNOWN AS

THE VOICE OF VANISH SMURF.

PLEASE WELCOME JOHN OLIVER.

♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS ) >> Stephen: I LIKE THAT.

>> YEAH?

>> Stephen: I LIKE THAT.

I LIKE THAT ASS SLIDE ACROSS THE DESK.

>> IT WAS A LITTLE LIKE MICHAEL J. FOX IN "BACK THE FUTURE,"

RIGHT?

OH!

>> Stephen: YES.

THAT WAS EITHER-- YOU WERE, LIKE, EITHER STARSKY OR HUTCH

SLIDING ACROSS THE FRONT OF THEIR CHARGER.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

I THINK I KNOW EXACTLY HOW THAT LOOKED, AND IT'S AS AWKWARD AS

IT FELT.

>> Stephen: FANTASTIC.

>> I HAVE BUFFED YOUR DESK FOR YOU.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WELL, WELCOME BACK.

IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE YOU, HOW YOU BEEN?

>> FINE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HOW ARE YOU?

OH, OH, NOW THE QUESTIONER IS THE QUESTIONEE?

>> Stephen: YOUR REACTION IS AS IF I WAS PINNING YOU DOWN ON

SOMETHING, "FINE, WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?"

I HAVE BEEN HERE A WHILE, AND I WAS REHEARSING BEFORE.

IT TURNS OUT RIGHT NOW, IT'S ALMOST 6:00 WHEN RECORDING THIS,

NANCY PELOSI HAS BEEN ON THE FLOOR OF THE HOUSE TALKING FOR

EIGHT HOURS.

>> WOW.

( APPLAUSE ) WAIT, I'M NOT-- I'M NOT SURE

DEEP DOWN YOU KNOW IF OR WHAT YOU'RE APPLAUDING THERE.

"OH, SHE TALKED FOR SEVEN HOURS.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN ENDURANCE EFFORT TO DO AND TO LISTEN TO,

TO SOME EXTENT."

YON IF ANYONE WANTS TO HEAR NANCY PELOSI SPEAK ABOUT

ANYTHING FOR SEVEN HOURS.

>> Stephen: YES.

>> IF SHE READ THE HARRY POTTER AUDIO BOOK, WE WOULD HAVE NO

MOVIES RIGHT NOW.

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.

>> Stephen: IT'S FOR THE-- FOR THE DREAMERS, TRYING TO FORCE A

DREAMER VOTE IN THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> SURE, I-- I-- IT'S ALL GOING TO WORK.

IT'S NOT GOING TO WORK.

BUT IT IS A VALIANT PUBLIC EFFORT.

>> Stephen: YES.

NOW, YOU HAVE HEARD ABOUT THE PRESIDENT'S REQUEST FOR A

PARADE.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: HAVE YOU NOT?

>> I HAVE INDEED HEARD THAT HE WANTS THAT.

>> Stephen: YEAH.

YEAH.

>> I WILL SAY THIS-- IT WON'T MAKE HIM HAPPY.

( LAUGHTER ) AND I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT THAT

HE KNOWS THAT.

WHATEVER THIS PRESIDENCY IS ABOUT-- THE SEARCH FOR A LOST

FATHER'S LOVE, TRYING TO FILL A VOID WITH SOMETHING TANGIBLE--

THAT PARADE IS GOING TO GO PAST HIM AND HE'S GOING TO BE LIKE,

," THIS ISN'T IT, EITHER."

IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.

>> THOSE PHALLIC MISSILES, "NO, OKAY, IT MUST BE SOMETHING ELSE

THEN."

AND THAT, THAT IS WHEN WE'RE REALLY (BLEEP).

>> Stephen: RIGHT.

WHAT IF WE FIRED ONE OF THOSE MISSILES OFF.

>> MAYBE IT'S NOT FIRING AT SOMEONE.

SURELY I CAN FILL THIS HOLE WITH SOMETHING.

WHICH HE CAN'T.

HE'S AN EMOTIONAL VACUUM, AND HE'LL DIE THAT WAY.

IF WE ACCEPTED THAT, WE'D ALL BE HAPPY.

>> Stephen: INTERESTING, INTERESTING, INTERESTING.

BUT YOU'RE STILL GIVING HIM A CHANCE.

>> YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE.

THE PRED PEREZ AGAINST CHANGES PEOPLE, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT?

THE SECOND YEAR.

THE SECOND YEAR REALLY SETTLES PEOPLE DOWN.

THAT'S WHAT WE KNOW, RIGHT?

>> Stephen: YEAH, EXACTLY.

BAY OF PIGS WASN'T UNTIL THE SECOND YEAR.

NOW, LISTEN, ENGLAND.

THEY HAVE MILITARY PARADES, DON'T THEY?

ARE YOU USED TO THIS SORT OF THING?

>> MILITARY PARADE?

WE USED TO-- WE HAD MILITARY PARADES ACROSS INDIA.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT I DON'T --

>> Stephen: HE SAW THIS-- HE SAW THIS PARADE IN FRANCE.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Stephen: AND HE SAID, "I WANT ONE LIKE THE ONE THE THEY H

IN FRANCE."

>> THAT'S WHAT WE TOOK AWAY FROM THE FRANCE TRIP, THEIR AWESOME

MILITARY.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: HISS.

MEOW!

>> NOT TO THUMP ON ABOUT HISTORY, BUT, ANYWAY, IT DOESN'T

MATTER.

THEY COULD HAVE PUT UP MORE OF A FIGHT, IS WHAT I'M SAYING.

I THINK HISTORICALLY THEY COULD HAVE FOUGHT BACK.

ANYWAY, I'M NOT HERE TO TALK ABOUT THAT.

BUT I'M HAPPY TO.

IT'S AN ODD THING.

FOR A MAN WHO SEEMS INCURIOUS ABOUT EVERYTHING, THAT REALLY

STUCK IN HIS HEAD, THAT FRENCH PARADE.

HE OBVIOUSLY THOUGHT, "I WANT ONE OF THOSE."

>> Stephen: WELL, I THINK THE CEREMONIAL ASPECT OF BEING

PRESIDENT IS WHAT HE THOUGHT THE ENTIRE JOB WAS.

>> I THINK THAT'S THE FAVORITE PART OF THE JOB HE OTHERWISE HAS

NO INTEREST IN.

>> Stephen: HE THOUGHT THE PRESIDENT WAS AN INFLATED

VERSION OF CUTTING A RIBBON AT A STRIP MALL.

>> HE'S GOING TO WATCH THE ROYAL WEDDING AND SAY, "I WANT ONE OF

THOSE."

SORRY, MELANIA, IT'S TIME.

>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF THE ROYAL WEDDING, YOU'RE ENGLISH,

YOU MUST BE REALLY EXCITE BUILD THE ROYAL WEDDING.

>> NO.

>> Stephen: COME ON!

>> REALLY?

>> Stephen: YOU'VE TO THE EXWOT TO BE.

HE'S A BRIT.

HE'S MARRYING AN AMERICAN GIRL.

DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS FOR HIM?

>> I WOULD NOT BLAME HER IF SHE PULLED OUT OF THIS AT THE LAST

MINUTE.

I DON'T THINK YOU NEED TO HAVE SEEN THE PILOT EPISODE" OF "THE

CROWN."

>> Stephen: BUT THIS GENERATION SEEMS LIKE NICE

PEOPLE, RIGHT?

THEY'RE ALL NICE NOW, RIGHT?

>> YEAAAH.

I MEAN, THEY'RE AN EMOTIONALLY STUNTED GROUP OF FUNDAMENTALLY

FLAWED PEOPLE DOING A VERY SILLY PSEUDO-JOB.

THAT'S WHAT SHE'S MARRYING INTO.

SO I HOPE SHE LIKES IT.

IT'S GOING TO BE WEIRD FOR HER.

I WOULD NOT MARRY INTO THE ROYAL FAMILY.

I'M A COMMONER.

I WOULD NOT BE WELCOME, ESPECIALLY AFTER WHAT I'VE JUST

SAID.

( LAUGHTER ) I'M GUESSING THE QUEEN-- THE

QUEEN-- IS PROBABLY SIT AGO.

>> Stephen: COULD GET A KNIGHTHOOD.

>> THEORETICALLY I COULD.

SHE'S PROBABLY RIPPING THAT UP AS WE SPEAK.

"THERE WE GO.

YOU LITTLE BASTARD, YOU'RE NOT COMING NOW, ARE YOU?"

>> Stephen: WHEN YOU SEE OTHERS-- WHEN YOU SEE OTHER,

LIKE, PERFORMERS OR COMEDIANS OR SOMETHING, IF YOU SEE THEM GET A

KNIGHTHOOD, DO YOU GO (BLEEP) ARE YOU DOING?

>> ACCEPTING IT?

>> Stephen: IF YOU SEE OTHER PEOPLE WHO LIKE-- WHO, LIKE,

SATARRIZE POWER AND-- >> IT'S A LITTLE BIT-- IT'S JUST

WEIRD TO KNEEL IN FRONT OF ANOTHER ADULT.

( LAUGHTER ) IT'S-- IT'S ALL ODD.

I KNOW THAT HISTORICALLY YOU SEE PEOPLE KNEELING DOWN AND KISSING

THE RING, BUT IT'S A BIT STRANGE.

>> Stephen: RIGHT.

>> IT'S AN ODD THING TO STILL HAVE.

AND I LIKE ROYAL WEDDINGS AS MUCH AS I LIKE ANY-- I ALSO LIKE

FIREWORKS.

IT'S A SPECTACLE.

IT'S SOMETHING NICE TO LOOK AT.

>> Stephen: PUT THEM BOTH TOGETHER.

>> WELL THAT COULD BE THE MOST...

>> Stephen: "KISS THE RING" MEANS SOMETHING DIFFERENT IN

ENGLAND, DOESN'T IT?

( LAUGHTER ) I WAS TOLD THAT THAT MEANS

SOMETHING DIFFERENT IN ENGLAND.

YEAH.

>> OH!

>> Stephen: IS THAT NOT TRUE?

>> I THINK HISTORICALLY YOU USED TO-- THE PRIME MINISTER, WHO

WOULD HAVE TO HAVE TEA WITH THE KING EVERY WEEK, ONCE A WEEK,

WOULD HAVE TO END THAT TEA TIME BY PUCKERING UP AND KISSING THE

KING ON HIS EXPOSED (BLEEP).

( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER )

>> DO YOU THINK THAT'S GOT MY INVITATION BACK?

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: MMM-HMMM.

THAT'S HIGH TEA.

THAT'S HIGH TEA.

>> THEY DON'T GET HIGH.

>> Stephen: TRUMP VERSUS MUELLER, LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT

FOR A SECOND.

TRUMP SAYS, "OH, YEAH, I DEFINITELY WANT TO TALK TO

MUELLER."

>> SURE HE DOES.

ACTUALLY, I DON'T DOUBT-- I DON'T DOUBT THAT HE WANTS TO

TALK.

BUT HE IS GOING TO HAVE TO PHYSICALLY GET THROUGH HIS

LAWYERS FIRST.

IF HE TALKS-- HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO EAT HIS WAY THROUGH THEIR

HANDS OVER HIS MOUTH BECAUSE THEY WILL TACKLE HIM TO THE

FLOOR BEFORE HE OPENS HIS MOUTH IN FRONT OF HIM.

HE WOULD PERJUR HIMSELF BEFORE HE FINISHED HIS NAME GLING HE

WOULD DO A GOOD JOB, AND I THINK HE SHOULD DO IT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> IF-- IF-- IF I CAN JUST

COSINE ON THAT.

I KNOW-- I KNOW I JOKE AROUND A LOT, MR. PRESIDENT.

BUT I ALSO THINK YOU WOULD DO AN EXCELLENT JOB.

( LAUGHTER ) AND I, TOO, THINK YOU SHOULD DO

IT.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

DO IT.

DO IT.

>> Stephen: OKAY, WE'VE GOT TO TAKE A LITTLE BIT OF A BREAK.

BUT DON'T GO AWAY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE JON OLIVER.