Relationships are difficult.

關係是很難的。

Everybody knows that.

每個人都知道這一點。

Most people think

大多數人認為

it's because of money, sex, kids, work, or who picks up the socks.

是因為錢，性，孩子，工作，或者是誰撿了襪子。

Some people think

有人認為

it's because we're just not right for each other,

這是因為我們只是不適合對方。

or we don't have enough in common.

或者我們沒有足夠的共同點。

Look, it's not just you, or him, or her.

聽著，這不僅僅是你，或者他，或者她。

There's actually nothing more difficult on the planet than another person.

其實這個世界上最困難的事情莫過於另一個人。

Think about that.

你想想看

We're all difficult;

我們都很難。

we all come to each new relationship wanting easy,

我們都來每一個新的關係 想要輕鬆。

but we also come with our fair share of unresolved painful experiences

但我們也有不少未解決的痛苦經歷。

from previous relationships.

從以前的關係。

Between love and work,

在愛情和工作之間。

love is by far, more complex and challenging.

愛情是迄今為止，更復雜，更具挑戰性。

Much of the reason for this is based in our automatic neurobiological reflexes,

很大程度上的原因是基於我們自動的神經生物反射。

so let me explain.

所以讓我解釋一下。

Let's start with that fancy neocortex of yours, the high cortical areas.

先說說你那個花哨的新皮質，高皮質區。

For simplicity sake, let's call them your ambassadors.

為了簡單起見，我們稱他們為你的大使。

Your ambassadors are very smart, deliberate, but slow;

你的大使很聰明，很慎重，但很慢。

and they're very expensive to run.

而且它們的運行成本很高。

They're really good at planning, predicting, organizing, languaging

他們真的很善於計劃、預測、組織、語言表達

and if I may be frank, they're really good at making shit up.

如果我可以坦率地說， 他們真的很擅長製造狗屎。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

When you think of logic and reason, think ambassadors.

想到邏輯和道理，就想到大使。

The subcortical areas of your brain, let's call them your primitives;

你大腦的皮層下區域，我們稱他們為你的原始人。

they're very fast, memory-based, automatic, and very cheap to run.

他們的速度非常快，基於內存，自動，而且運行起來非常便宜。

They're involved in love and sex, but also threat detection

他們不僅涉及到愛情和性，還涉及到威脅探測

by scanning for dangerous faces, voices, gestures, movements,

通過掃描危險的面孔、聲音、手勢、動作。

as well as dangerous words and phrases.

以及危險的詞句。

When you think fight or flight, think primitives.

當你想到戰鬥或逃跑時，就會想到原始人。

Thanks to your primitives, your day is 99% fully automatic.

多虧了你的基元，你的一天99%都是全自動的。

Your ambassadors love novelty,

你的大使們喜歡新奇的東西。

but they have to offload newness to your primitives

但他們必須將新性卸載到您的基元上。

in order to conserve resources.

以節約資源。

You can't possibly run your day with your ambassadors in full gear;

你不可能帶著你的大使們整裝待發。

you would fry your brain.

你會把你的腦子燒壞的。

So the primitives use something called procedural memory,

所以基元使用的是一種叫做程序存儲器的東西。

otherwise known as body memory, and it works like this:

也就是身體記憶，它的工作原理是這樣的。

you learn to ride a bike; and in the beginning,

你學會了騎自行車；而在開始。

your primitives and ambassadors are in full gear to learn this new skill,

你的原始人和大使們正在全力以赴地學習這項新技能。

but very soon, your primitives are going to automate bike riding

但很快，你的原始人就會自動騎車了。

without much need for your ambassadors.

不太需要你的大使。

It goes into procedural memory.

它進入了程序記憶。

Pretty neat, huh?

很整齊，是吧？

Now you fall in love with someone, and again, your brain is lit up;

現在你愛上了一個人，又是腦子一亮。

you want to know everything about them.

你想知道他們的一切。

You want to touch them, taste them, smell them, you can't get enough of them.

你想摸一摸，嘗一嘗，聞一聞，怎麼也吃不完。

You are high on drugs.

你是嗑藥了。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Nature's drugs, not those!

大自然的藥物，不是那些!

Dopamine for wanting more,

多巴胺因為想要更多。

noradrenaline for focus and attention,

去甲腎上腺素用於集中精力和注意力。

testosterone for you know what,

睪丸激素，你知道什麼。

and a distinct drop in serotonin so you can perseverate and obsess.

和血清素的明顯下降，這樣你就可以堅持不懈，執迷不悟。

You're neurochemically addicted.

你是神經化學上癮。

You spend all your time together for weeks and months;

你們在一起的時間長達幾個星期和幾個月。

you get serious, and this is when the fun begins,

你得到嚴重的，這是 當樂趣開始。

because very soon, your brain is going to automate this new person

因為很快，你的大腦就會自動處理這個新的人了

and theirs is going to automate you.

而他們的是要把你自動化。

This is supposed to happen,

這是應該發生的。

it's what the brain does in order to function.

這就是大腦的功能。

It'll make your relationship feel a lot easier

這會讓你們的關係變得更容易。

and it will lead you to your first really big mistakes

它將導致你的第一個真正的大錯誤。

because you think you know each other already

因為你認為你已經知道對方

so you stop paying attention, you stop being fully present.

所以，你停止關注， 你停止完全存在。

Your primitives are relying on procedural memory

您的基元依賴於過程性內存。

to run your relationship,

來經營你們的關係。

and that memory includes everyone and everything

而這種記憶包括所有的人和事

of an emotional importance in your life.

在你的生活中具有重要的情感意義。

That primitive brain of yours is going to read

你那顆原始的大腦會讀出

your partner's thoughts, feelings, and intentions through that memory lens.

你的伴侶的想法，感覺和意圖通過該記憶鏡頭。

So it's kind of like this,

所以它有點像這樣。

"Why are you giving me that look?"

"你為什麼用這種眼神看我？"

"I didn't give you any look."

"我沒有給你任何表情。"

"Why are you using that tone of voice with me?"

"你為什麼用這種語氣跟我說話？"

"What tone?"

"什麼語氣？"

- "Stop it!" - "What?"

- "住手！"- "什麼？"

- "That." - "What?!"

- "那個。"- "什麼！？"

That's the sound of two nervous systems misfiring,

那是兩個神經系統失靈的聲音。

and that is our nature.

這就是我們的本性。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

That will happen, and it will be a problem

這將會發生，這將是一個問題

if you don't understand your automatic brain.

如果你不瞭解你的自動腦。

As a couple's therapist,

作為夫妻治療師。

I can tell you that fighting in and of itself is inevitable.

我可以告訴你，戰鬥本身就是不可避免的。

There is no relationship without conflict.

沒有衝突就沒有關係。

In fact, if you are a conflict avoider,

其實，如果你是一個避免衝突的人。

you will appear threatening to your partner.

你會對你的伴侶產生威脅。

The real problem isn't that you fight.

真正的問題不在於你打。

It's when you do, one or both of you threatens to leave the relationship.

就是當你這樣做的時候，你們中的一個或兩個人威脅要離開這段關係。

A relationship can survive fights,

一段感情是可以經得起爭吵的。

but what it cannot survive is loss of safety and security.

但它無法生存的是失去安全保障。

Communication, memory, perception - all error-prone.

溝通、記憶、感知--都是容易出錯的。

Human communication, even on a good day, is terrible.

人與人之間的交流，即使是在好天氣，也是很糟糕的。

We're mostly misunderstanding each other much of the time;

我們大部分時間都在誤解對方。

when we feel good, we don't care that much,

當我們感覺良好的時候，我們並不關心那麼多。

when we don't feel good, we care a whole lot.

當我們感覺不好的時候，我們就會很在意。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

When stress goes up, human communication gets a whole lot worse.

壓力大了，人與人之間的溝通就會變得很糟糕。

Memory is unreliable.

記憶是不可靠的。

Memory is faulty, folks,

記憶力有問題，夥計們。

and in a fight for whose memory is right, you're probably both wrong.

而在爭奪誰的記憶是正確的時候，你們可能都是錯的。

Your perceptions are like fun house mirrors.

你的觀念就像有趣的房子鏡子。

Your perceptions are constantly being altered

你的觀念不斷被改變

by your state of mind and your memory.

由你的心境和記憶力。

They're constantly playing tricks on you.

他們一直在玩弄你。

If we assume

如果我們假設

our communication, our memory, our perception is the real truth,

我們的交流，我們的記憶，我們的認知才是真正的真理。

that's hubris, and that will get us into trouble.

那是傲慢，那會讓我們陷入麻煩。

Before I go on, I want to be clear about threat:

在我繼續說下去之前，我想先明確一下威脅。

if you're in an abusive relationship, you must get out.

如果你是在一個虐待的關係， 你必須擺脫。

I'm not talking about big T threat; only small T threat,

我不說大T威脅，只說小T威脅。

the kind that we have to deal with day in and day out

日理萬機的那種

as we bump up against each other, and we fight.

因為我們互相碰撞，我們戰鬥。

But why do our fights spin out of control?

但為什麼我們的爭鬥會失控？

It's because real time is too fast,

是因為現實時間太快了。

and when we feel threatened, we act, and react with our primitives.

當我們感受到威脅時，我們就會行動起來，用我們的原始本能做出反應。

Our ambassadors actually have no idea how we got into this place.

我們的大使們其實也不知道我們是怎麼來到這個地方的。

It's what makes shit up!

是什麼讓狗屎！

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

"I'm right, dammit,

"我是對的，該死的。

and here's what sounds really good to prove my point."

而這裡的聲音真的很好聽，可以證明我的觀點。"

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

You really have no idea what you're talking about

你真的不知道你在說什麼？

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

but you sound so confident.

但你的聲音如此自信。

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

I want to get to the fun part here.

我想進入有趣的部分。

Since all of you literally carry around your own neurobiology lab with you,

既然你們都隨身攜帶著自己的神經生物學實驗室。

wherever you go;

無論你走到哪裡。

here's a few experiments you can run in the comfort of your own home:

這裡有幾個實驗，你可以在自己的家中舒適地運行。

the next time a relationship moment turns tense,

下一次關係時刻變得緊張的時候。

change your position;

改變你的立場。

go eye-to-eye and face-to-face, notice what happens.

眼對眼，面對面，注意發生了什麼。

And by the way,

順便說一下

if you tend to fight a lot while driving in the car,

如果你在開車的時候往往會經常吵架。

it's because you're side-to-side and glance;

那是因為你是側著身子看的。

a glance is a threat trigger,

一眼就能觸發威脅。

that's why you should never fight in the car, or on the phone,

這就是為什麼你不應該在車裡吵架，或者在電話裡吵架。

or while emailing, or while texting.

或發電子郵件時，或發短信時。

We're visual animals, and we need our eyes

我們是視覺動物，我們需要我們的眼睛。

in order to regulate each other's nervous systems.

以調節對方的神經系統。

I want you to understand that what I'm talking about here

我想讓你明白我說的是什麼

happens to everyone, regardless of personality,

每個人都會發生，無論性格如何。

previous experience, and relationship experience, or trauma.

以前的經歷，和戀愛經歷，或者說是創傷。

No angels, no devils here;

這裡沒有天使，沒有魔鬼。

we're all capable of becoming threatening, even to those we love,

我們都有能力成為威脅， 即使是對我們所愛的人。

and we're capable of making huge mistakes and errors

而我們有能力犯下巨大的錯誤和錯誤。

in communication, memory, and perception;

在交流、記憶和感知中。

all of us.

我們所有的人。

The decision to be in a relationship,

戀愛的決定。

the decision to be in a committed relationship

戀愛的決定

- loving, secure functioning -

- 充滿愛的、安全的功能----

means being in the foxhole together

同室操戈

and protecting each other from the dangers out there.

並保護對方免受外面的危險。

It's not just about getting our own way.

這不僅僅是為了讓我們自己的方式。

We're supposed to have each other's backs.

我們應該互相支持的。

I've seen far too many relationships end before their time,

我見過太多的關係在他們的時間之前結束。

because people cannot get this simple concept;

因為人們無法理解這個簡單的概念。

our major job is to protect each other and make each other feel safe and secure.

我們的主要工作是互相保護，讓對方感到安全和保障。

The world is a dangerous place, it's always been so;

這個世界是個危險的地方，一直都是如此。

and right now, it feels a little scary.

而現在，它的感覺有點嚇人。

If we don't have each other's backs, who will?

如果我們不支持對方，誰會支持我們？

Thank you and good luck with your relationships.

謝謝你，祝你的人際關係越來越好。

(Applause)

(掌聲)