AND I WAS IN LOVE WITH HER.

I WAS IN LOVE WITH VERONICA.

SHE WOULD BABYSIT US ON SATURDAY NIGHTS.

AND IN MY HEAD, WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID,

I THOUGHT THAT VERONICA WAS LIKE 25, 30 YEARS OLD.

I WAS JUST TALKING TO MY MOM THE OTHER WEEK.

I FOUND OUT THAT WHEN I WAS 10, VERONICA WAS 13.

SO WHY WAS SHE IN CHARGE?

ALL SHE COULD DO WAS DIAL THE TELEPHONE A LITTLE BETTER

THAN I COULD.

13 WHEN I'M 10?

THAT'S JUST LIKE HIRING A SLIGHTLY BIGGER CHILD.

THAT WOULD BE LIKE IF YOU'RE GOING OUT OF TOWN FOR THE WEEK

AND YOU PAID A HORSE TO WATCH YOUR DOG.

LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, HERE IS THE NUMBER WHERE WE'LL BE,

"AND HERE'S WHERE WE KEEP THE DOG FOOD.

"AND YOU'RE A HORSE.

"SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.

SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH."

WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT? PEOPLE ALWAYS SHUSH ANIMALS.

THEY GO, "HEY, SHH, SHH, SHH."

THEY'VE NEVER SPOKEN.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO LIVE IN NEW YORK WHEN I WAS A KID.

I'M SO EXCITED THAT I GET TO LIVE IN NEW YORK.

I SAW NEW YORK CITY IN A MOVIE WHEN I WAS A KID.

IT WAS CALLED HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK.

IT IS A SEQUEL. YEAH, HOW ABOUT THAT MOVIE?

IT WAS A SEQUEL TO THE MOVIE HOME ALONE.

I REMEMBER IN THAT MOVIE-- OH, THE KID IN HOME ALONE 2.

HE GETS INTO A STRETCH LIMOUSINE ON 5TH AVENUE

WITH A LARGE CHEESE PIZZA, AND I THOUGHT,

"THIS IS THE HEIGHT OF LUXURY!"

NOW I LIVE IN NEW YORK AND I'M PSYCHED,

BUT THAT IS A STUPID MOVIE TITLE.

LOST IN NEW YORK? THE STREETS ARE NUMBERED.

HOW'D YOU GET LOST IN NEW YORK?

I KNOW IT'S KIND OF STUPID TO COMPLAIN ABOUT A MOVIE

THAT CAME OUT 17 YEARS AGO.

BUT I WASN'T A COMEDIAN BACK THEN.

SO I HAVE TO DO IT NOW. I WISH I'D BEEN.

I WISH I'D BEEN A DEF JAM COMIC WHEN THAT MOVIE CAME OUT.

I WOULD HAVE TORN IT TO PIECES.

BE LIKE, "YOU SEEN THIS SHIT?

"YOU SEEN THIS HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK SHIT?

"IT'S A GRID SYSTEM, MOTHERFUCKER.

"WHERE YOU AT? 24TH AND 5TH?

"WHERE YOU WANNA GO? 35TH AND 6TH?

11 UP AND 1 OVER, YOU SIMPLE BITCH!"

THAT'D BE MY BIG JOKE. THAT'D BE THE CLOSER.