I can write some right now? Is that cool?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you so much.

Hey, Kamal, can I have some

thank-you-note-writing music, please?

[ Laughter ]

[ Cheers and applause ] Go for it.

Mm-hmm. You got any?

[ Cheerful music plays ]

No, that's -- Enough, man.

[ Stammers ] James, can I get some

thank-you-note-writing music, please?

Sorry about that. I apologize.

[ Somber music plays ]

-Oh, man. Now you made him mad. -I upset him a little.

-Yeah.

-That's usually not how he -- -That's not Champaign James.

-Not Champaign James. -No.

[ Air horn sounds ] -Champaign James!

Champaign James!

♪ Champaign James, Champaign James ♪

♪ Champaign James, Champaign James ♪

♪ Champaign James, Champaign James ♪

[ Air horn blows ]

Champaign James presents "Champaign Jams."

[ Air horn blows ]

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

Thank you, Kanye and Trump,

for meeting at the White House this week.

It's the long-awaited sit-down

between the guy who wrote "poopy-di scoop"

and the guy with toilet paper stuck to his shoe.

Wait a minute.

[ Laughter, applause ]

♪♪

Thank you, Google, for shutting down Google Plus.

I think I speak for everyone when I say,

"What was Google Plus? What was it?"

[ Laughter, cheers ] Was that a thing?

I didn't know what it was.

♪♪

Thank you, hot apple cider.

You're perfect for people who like apple juice

but really wish you could burn

all the skin off the inside of their mouths.

[ Laughter, applause ] -Mm, ah, ah, ah, ah!

[ Sizzles ]

♪♪

-Thank you, fancy bathroom soap that's just for guests,

even though whenever I see you at someone's house,

I'm still like, "Oh, I shouldn't use it.

That's just for guests."

[ Laughter, applause ] Oh, I'm the guest.

Molton -- Molton Brown? -[ Laughs ]

-Wow. -Wow.

Now, that's a soap. [ Laughter ]

♪♪

Thank you, clogs, for combining the frumpiness of slippers

with all the discomfort

of having a cutting board strapped to your foot.

[ Laughter, applause ] -Ooh.

-Hardwood. Yes? -Yeah.

-This is comfortable? -[ Chuckles ]

-And having a good time? -A good time? These are good?

Would I?

♪♪

-Thank you, Burger King,

for your new deal offering 10 chicken nuggets for a dollar,

'cause nothing says "quality food"

like paying for meat with a handful of dimes.

[ Laughter, applause ]

-Eh.

♪♪

-Thank you, cobwebs,

for saying, "You know what's spooky?

How rarely I clean."

[ Laughter, applause ]

♪♪

Thank you, Frontier Airlines flight

that was delayed this week when a passenger tried to bring

an emotional squirrel onboard.

Wait for it. Wait for it.

That was nuts.

And there you are. Thank you very much.

Those are my thank you notes.