AGAIN, ANOTHER DAY OF WALL TO

WALL DRAMA HERE.

THIS IS ONE OF THOSE DAYS THAT

THERE'S ALMOST TOO MUCH TO WRAP

WERE YOUR HEAD AROUND.

LAST NIGHT, AS YOU PROBABLY

KNOW, THE PRESIDENT INTERRUPTED

PRIME TIME TELEVISION TO READ A

SPEECH FROM THE OVAL OFFICE, TO

WARN US ABOUT MEXICANS, AS IF

THEY'RE A MIGRATION OF KILLER

BEES SWARMING AFTER US.

THE SPEECH I THINK WAS INTENDED

TO CONVINCE US THAT WE HAVE A

CRISIS AT THE BORDER.

HE'S MARRIED TO ONE AND REFUSES

TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM.

THIS WAS NOT AN INSPIRED SPEECH.

IT LOOKED LIKE HE WAS GIVING IT

AT GUN POINT.

AND HE WAS SNIFFLING.

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE HE FORGOT TO

TAKE HIS ALLERGY MEDICATION.

>> ARE YOU SUFFERING FROM

CONGESTION?

UNCONTROLLABLE PERSISTENT

SNIFFLING?

FINALLY, THERE IS HOPE,

WALLEGRA, FOR BORDER-NEGOTIATING

RELATED DELUSIONS.

ASK YOUR INDICTED CAMPAIGN

MANAGER IF WALLEGRA IS RIGHT FOR

YOU.

IT MAY CAUSE A SUDDEN INABILITY

TO USE NUMBERS AND FACTS.

WALLEGRA, SHUT DOWN THE

GOVERNMENT, NOT YOUR SINUSES.

>> AVAILABLE AT BORDER

WALGREENS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

>> Jimmy: IT WAS A VERY DRIPPY

SPEECH, NASAL AND OTHERWISE, BUT

TRUMP WASN'T THE ONLY LEADER WHO

CAME OFF BADLY.

I DON'T KNOW WHO'S VIEADVISING

THEM.

BUT AS BAD AS TRUMP'S

PRESENTATION WAS, THE REBUTTAL

FROM CHUCK SCHUMER AND NANCY

PELOSI MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE.

>> GOOD EVENING.

I APPRECIATE THE OPPORTUNITY TO

TALK TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

ABOUT HOW WE CAN END THIS

SHUTDOWN.

>> OBVIOUSLY, THEY SUBSCRIBE TO

NETFLIX.

THEY LOOK LIKE THE TRAILER FOR

"GET OUT TWO."

TWO SCARY WHITE PEOPLE ARE THE

SECRET.

THE MAIN THING WAS TRUMP.

HE HAD BIGLY WHOPPER THE FOR US.

HE HAD MORE LIES.

TRUMP CLAIMED THE WALL, IF WE

BUILD IT, WILL PAY FOR ITSELF.

THE ONLY PERSON IN HISTORY WHO

EVER BANKRUPTED A CASINO SAYS

THE WALL WILL PAY FOR ITSELF.

THEN TODAY, AFTER A SPEECH THAT

CHANGED EXACTLY NO ONE'S MIND,

THE PRESIDENT SAID ALL RIGHT,

I'M GOING TO MEET WITH THE

DEMOCRATS.

AND AS YOU READ, IT DID NOT GO

WELL.

JUST LEFT THE MEETING WITH CHUCK

AND FANCY.

A TOTAL WASTE OF TIME.

I ASKED WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN

IN 30 DAYS IN I QUICKLY OPEN

THINGS UP.

WILL YOU FUND THE WALL, NANCY

PELOSI SAID NO.

I SAID BYE-BYE.

HE DESPERATELY WANTS TO PIN IT

ON DEMOCRATS EVEN THOUGH

PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID HE WAS

PROUD TO CLAIM IT FOR HIMSELF.

CABLE NEWS RUSHES OUT.

AND HERE'S CHUCK SCHUMER'S TAKE.

>> HE ASKED SPEAKER PELOSI IF

SHE WOULD FUND THE WALL, AND SHE

SAID NO.

AND HE SAID WE HAVE NOTHING TO

DISCUSS AND HE WALKED OUT.

AGAIN, WE SAW A TEMPER TANTRUM.

>> Jimmy: HE ALSO CLAIMED

PRESIDENT TRUMP SLAMMED THE

TABLE BUT VICE PRESIDENT PENCE

HAD A VERY DIFFERENT TAKE ON THE

ENCOUNTER.

>> CAN YOU DESCRIBE WHAT THE

PRESIDENT DID IN THE MEETING AND

ARE WE ANY CLOSER TO HAVING A

NATIONAL EMERGENCY DECLARED?

>> WELL, THE PRESIDENT WALKED

INTO THE ROOM AND PASSED OUT

CANDY.

IT'S TRUE.

>> IT IS TRUE.

>> Jimmy: HE HANDED OUT

BUTTERFINGERS AND M&Ms.

I WONDER IF HE HANDS OUT THE

BROWN M&Ms OR IF HE STUFFS THOSE

BACK IN THE BAG.

BUT THE MORNING STARTED WITH A

PRESS CONFERENCE ABOUT THE WALL,

THE PRESIDENT IS POINTING TO

OTHER COUNTRIES AS PROOF.

>> ISRAEL PUT UP A WALL, 99.9%

SUCCES

SUCCESSFUL ACCORDING TO BIBI

NETANYAHU.

HE TOLD ME 99.9.

MAYBE HE'LL CHANGE IT.

BUT THEY PUT UP A WALL, AND THEY

DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM ANYMORE.

>> Jimmy: YEAH, RIGHT, NEVER

HAVE ANY PROBLEMS IN ISRAEL.

HERE'S THE THING, WALLS DON'T

STOP DRUGS FROM GETTING IN.

PRISONS HAVE WALLS, DRUGS GET

INTO PRISONS ALL THE TIME.

YOU KNOW WHAT WILL STOP PEOPLE

FROM GETTING ACROSS THE BORDER?

THE CUSTOMS AND DEA AGENTS.

THE PEOPLE DONALD TRUMP HASN'T

BEEN PAYING FOR THE LAST THREE

WEEKS.

ONE REPORTER JON KARL ASKED WHY

THEY DIDN'T JUST PAY THE

WORKERS.

>> WHY NOT SIGN THE BILL SO THE

WORKERS --

>> DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO

THAT?

DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO THAT,

JON?

>> IT'S NOT FOR ME.

>> NO, SERIOUSLY, DO YOU THINK I

SHOULD JUST SIGN?

TELL ME, TELL ME.

JON, YOU THINK I SHOULD JUST

SIGN?

>> I'M SAYING IF YOU SIGN THAT,

THESE WORKERS CAN START GETTING

PAID.

>> IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION

YOU WOULD DO THAT.

>> I'M NOT IN YOUR POSITION.

>> I'M ASKING YOU, WOULD YOU DO

THAT IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION,

BECAUSE IF WOULD YOU DO THAT,

YOU SHOULD NEVER BE IN THIS

POSITION.

GOOD-BYE, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

>> Jimmy: IT WAS A FUN DAY.

THERE'S NO END TO THE SHUTDOWN

IN SIGHT UNLESS THEY LISTEN TO

ME.

I HAVE A PLAN TO END THE

SHUTDOWN TOMORROW, FOR REAL.

YOU WANT TO HEAR IT?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I DON'T WANT TO SET THE

EXPECTATIONS TOO HIGH, BUT, WE

ALL KNOW THE HOUSE ISN'T GOING

TO AUTHORIZE THE MONEY TO PAY

FOR THIS WALL.

IT'S A WASTE.

EVEN DONALD TRUMP KNOWS IT

DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

HE PROMISED IT, BECAUSE HE

DIDN'T THINK HE WAS GOING TO

WIN.

HE MIGHT AS WELL PROMISE US ALL

JET PACKS.

HE TOLD THE PEOPLE WHO VOTED FOR

HIM THAT HE WAS GOING TO BUILD

IT, NOW THEY WANT IT BUILT.

HOW DOES HE GET OUT OF IT

WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE HE LOST.

WE PRETEND TO BUILD THE WALL.

TRUMPCARES SO

TRUMP CARES SO LITTLE ABOUT THE

WALL, HE MIGHT AS WELL START

CALLING IT ERIC.

AND TELL THE RED HAT CLUB THAT

THE WALL IS APPROVED, IT'S GOING

UP, WE FOUND A POT OF GOLD ON

THE TIJUANA BORDER, WE'RE USE

BEING THAT TO BUILD IT.

THERE'S NO REASON TO BE HONEST.

IF TRUMP TELLS HIS TRUMPERS THAT

THE WALL IS BEING BUILT, THEY'LL

BELIEVE IT.

ARE THEY GOING TO GO DOWN THERE

AND CHECK?

NO.

JUST TAKE A PICTURE OF HIM IN A

HARD HAT.

HE CAN CUT THE RIBBON, A GROUP

OF ACTORS CAN COME IN AND START

DIGGING.

HE'S HAPPY, WE'RE HAPPY AND

EVERYBODY CAN GO BACK TO WORK.

JUST MAYBE AT THE END OF ALL

THIS DONALD TRUMP WILL REALIZE

THAT THE WALL HE THOUGHT HE