PRESIDENT TONIGHT, DONALD

JITTERBUG TRUMP ADDRESSED THE

NATION FROM THE OVAL OFFICE.

THIS WAS HIS FIRST OIVAL OFFICE

ADDRESS.

HE HAD BEEN USING IT FOR

KARDASHIAN MEET AND GREETS.

HE GOT VERY SERIOUS, ALL THE

MAJOR NETWORKS COVERED IT LIVE

FOR GOOD REASON.

THEY INTERRUPTED PRIME TIME

TELEVISION TO TELL US ABOUT A

COMPLETELY MADE-UP THING.

HIS SPEECH WAS WEABOUT TEN MINUT

LONG, WHICH ACCORDING TO STORMY

DANIELS WAS ABOUT EIGHT MINUTES

LONGER.

WHY IT NEEDS TO BE ON ALL THE

CHANNELS AT ONCE, I DON'T NOW.

BUT MUCH OF THE DEBATE IN THIS

CASE CENTERED AROUND WHETHER OR

NOT IT IS APPROPRIATE TO GIVE

THE PRESIDENT A FORUM TO LIE TO

US ON TELEVISION.

FOR REAL.

WHAT THEY DID, AND I THOUGHT

THIS WAS INTERESTING.

EACH NETWORK DECIDED THEY WOULD

RUN THE SPEECH, BUT WITH A

DISCLAIMER FIRST.

>> THE FOLLOWING PRESIDENTIAL

ARREST

ADDRESS IS A WORK OF FICTION.

ALL PERSONALITIES, EVENTS AND

LOCATIONS AND FACTS WERE PULLED

DIRECTLY FROM THE PRESIDENT'S

ASS.

>> HE DID NOT MAKE MENTION OF

THE CARAVAN THAT WAS COMING TO

GET US THREE MONTHS AGO, I DON'T

KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT, BUT

I GUESS IT DISAPPEARED WHEN THE

ELECTION WAS DONE, BUT HE DOES

WANT US TO BELIEVE THERE'S A

CRISIS AT THE BORDER BESIDES THE

ONE HE CREATED.

HE DESPERATELY WANTS US TO BE

WORRIED ABOUT THE BORDER.

HERE'S THE MISTAKE HE'S MAKING

ON THIS.

IF YOU'RE DONALD TRUMP, GOD

FORBID, IF YOU'RE DONALD TRUMP

AND YOU MAKE A CAMPAIGN PROMISE

TO BUILD A WALL, AND THEN YOU

DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD TO FULFILL

IT AND YOU GET PEOPLE PANICKED

ENOUGH TO WASTE $5 MILLION ON

IT.

TELLING PEOPLE WE HAVE BAD

HOMBRES SNEAKING ACROSS THE

BORDER.

IF YOU WANT A BORDER CRISIS,

MAKE IT A SCARY BOARD CRISIS.

DON'T SAY THEY'RE ILLEGAL

IMMIGRANTS, SAY IT'S AN ARMY OF

CHUPACABRAS, THEY HAVE RED EYES,

SHARP CLAWS.

IF WE DON'T STOP THEM, THEY'RE

GOING TO EAT OUR CHILDREN.

THAT'S HOW YOU GET PEOPLE FIRED

UP.

YOU WANT A WALL, YOU WANT TO

BUILD A WALL, THIS IS HOW YOU DO

IT.

>> OVER THE YEARS, THOUSANDS OF

AMERICANS HAVE BEEN BRUTALLY

KILLED.

>> BY CHUPACABRA.

>> Jimmy: IF I HEAR THAT, I'LL

HELP BUILD THE WALL MYSELF.

BUT I'M SORRY I INTERRUPTED, MR.

PRESIDENT, GO ON.

>> SOME HAVE SUGGESTED A BARRIER

IS IMMORAL.

THEN WHY DO WEALTHY POLITICIANS

BUILD WALLS, FENCES AND GET AS

AROUND THEIR HOMES?

THEY DON'T BUILD WALLS BECAUSE

THEY HATE THE PEOPLE ON THE

OUTSIDE, BUT BECAUSE THEY LOVE

THE PEOPLE ON THE INSIDE.

>> Jimmy: OH, I SEE.

IT'S THE SAME REASON WE BEAT A

PINATA WITH A STICK.

IT'S NOT BECAUSE WE HATE WHAT'S

ON THE OUTSIDE.

WE WANT CANDY.

HE ALMOST SEEMED SEDATED, LIKE

SOMEBODY SLIPPED A XANAX IN HIS

McFLURRY.

HE DID HIS LEAST FAVORITE THING,

WHICH IS READING.

ILLEGAL BORDER CROSSINGS ARE AT

THEIR LOWEST LEVEL IN MANY

YEARS, BUT THERE ARE STILL

PEOPLE SNEAKING ACROSS OUR

BORDER, AND THIS IS HOW THEY DO

IT.

YOU SEE HERE THIS VIDEO.

YOU DON'T GO OVER THE BARRIER.

YOU GO UNDER IT.

YOU TUNNEL UNDER THE BORDER, AND

THAT, YOU CAN SEE THE PILATES

HAS REALLY PAID OFF.

WHY THEY'RE --

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT MUCH CRACK

ON THE SUBWAY SINCE 1985.

THANK YOU.

AFTER THE PRESIDENT'S SPEECH,

CHUCK SCHUMER AND NANCY PELOSI

GAVE THE REBUTTAL FOR THE

DEMOCRATS, AND THESE TWO, I

DON'T KNOW HOW MANY YEARS RYAN

AND KELLY HAVE ON THEIR

CONTRACT, BUT IF NANCY AND CHUCK

EVER DECIDE TO TEAM UP AND DO A

SHOW, SOMEBODY NEEDS TO GET

GILLMAN ON THE PHONE BECAUSE

THEY ARE TERRIFIC.

>> I APPRECIATE THE OPPORTUNITY

TO SPEAK DIRECT LIBLY TO THE

AMERICAN PEOPLE TONIGHT ABOUT

HOW WE CAN END THIS SHUTDOWN.