HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD.

WE'RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

ACTION.

AND I HAVE A STRANGE INTERACTION

LAST NIGHT.

AFTER THE SHOW I WENT TO THE

MOVIES, WENT TO SEE THE NEW

"MISSION IMPOSSIBLE" AT THE

THEATER RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET

FROM US.

AFTER THE SHOW I WALK OUT ON

HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD, I GOT A HAT

ON AND SUNGLASSES, DISGUISED.

I DON'T WANT TO TAKE ATTENTION

AWAY FROM THE SUPERHEROES,

THEY'RE OUT THERE WORKING.

WHEN I STEP OUT THE FRONT DOOR I

SEE A WOMAN TAKING A PICTURE OF

MY STAR ON HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD.

SHE'S BENT OVER AND THERE'S A

STAR WITH MY NAME ON IT.

AND SHE'S TAKING A PHOTO WITH

HER PHONE.

SO I FIGURE, WHAT THE HELL, I'LL

GIVE HER A LITTLE THRILL.

SHE'S LOOKING DOWN AND I SAID,

DID YOU WANT ME TO GET IN THE

PICTURE TOO?

AND SHE LOOKS UP AND SHE GOES,

"NO, GO AWAY!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

KIND OF SHIELDS HER BODY.

[ APPLAUSE ]

AND SHE'S ALARMED.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THIS STORY AIN'T OVER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO AROUND HERE WHEN A STRANGER

STARTLES YOU ON THE STREET, YOU,

YOU KNOW -- YOU DON'T EXACTLY

HUG THEM, YOU MACE THEM, YOU

KNOW.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO I SAY, HI, I'M JIMMY KIMMEL.

AND SHE LOOKS AT ME.

AND SHE GOES, "NO YOU ARE NOT."

AND SHE'S NOW LITERALLY GRABBING

HER DAUGHTER, TRYING TO GET AWAY

FROM ME.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO I THINK NOW FOR A SECOND, I

THINK ABOUT PULLING MY WALLET

OUT TO SHOW HER MY DRIVER'S

LICENSE.

BUT THAT SEEMS LIKE TOO MUCH.

HOPING SHE'LL JUST FIGURE IT OUT

BY HEARING MY VOICE I SAID,

WHERE ARE YOU FROM?

SHE GOES, BEIRUT.

AND I SAID, WELL, WELCOME TO

HOLLYWOOD.

AND NOW SHE'S GOT HER DAUGHTER

LIKE THIS SHE'S SHIELDING HER

LIKE I'M THE CLOWN FROM "IT" OR

SOMETHING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

SHE GOES TO CROSS THE STREET TO

GET AWAY FROM ME, BUT I AM ALSO

WAITING TO CROSS THE STREET TO

GO TO THE MOVIE.

NOW WE'RE STANDING THERE NEXT TO

EACH OTHER WAITING FOR THE

LIGHT.

WHICH TAKES FOREVER.

WHICH I'M LOOKING AROUND NOW

HOPING SOMEBODY RECOGNIZES ME

AND GOES, "HEY, JIMMY, HOW YOU

DOING?"

I WENT FROM HUNCHED OVER IN THE

CAP AND THE THING, RUSHING TO

THE THEATER, TO WALMART GREETER.

HELLO, EVERYONE!

DO I LOOK FAMILIAR?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

PERHAPS YOU SAW ONE OF THE TWO

TIMES I HOSTED THE OSCARS?

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT NOBODY NOTICES ME AT ALL.

SO I'M NOW STANDING THERE IT'S

UNCOMFORTABLE.

I SAY, I AM JIMMY KIMMEL.

SHE GOES, "YOU WISH YOU HAD HIS

MONEY."

[ LAUGHTER ]

AGAIN, I THINK ABOUT GOING TO MY

WALLET TO SHOW HER THAT I

LITERALLY HAVE HIS MONEY.

I HAVE HIS MONEY AND HIS COSTCO

CARD AND EVERYTHING ELSE OF HIS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT THE LIGHT TURNS GREEN AND I

JUST SAID, "HAVE A NICE TRIP."

AND SHE MUTTERS, SHE GOES, "I

GUESS PEOPLE AROUND HERE CAN

PRETEND TO BE WHOMEVER THEY

WANT."

AND THEN I WENT TO SEE "MISSION

IMPOSSIBLE."

BUT YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT I WAS

PRETENDING TO BE DENZEL

WASHINGTON.

[ APPLAUSE ]

ANYWAY.

I THINK I MIGHT NEED TO HIRE A