Trevor Noah - MOST VIEWED Stand-Up Clips of 2018! (In One Video) - VoiceTube: Learn English through videos!

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Because every time I see lightning, I think of the M.E.C of the Northwest.
M.E.C. of safety and security.
True genius.
True comedic genius.
Like we all have our mentors and you know I look up to guys like him.
No because he came out after what happened was there was a funeral on the weekend.
And what happened was there was a lightning storm and lightning struck the people at the
funeral and nine people were killed instantly.
There's nothing funny about that.
Nine people dead, gone.
Nothing funny at all.
Although it must've been a bit weird because like, you know?
You're there because someone has died and then *lightning sound effects*
Then it's a bit awkward now.
You don't know if carry on here or do you? You don't know but it's a bit you don't
know and then you're like do you put them in because there's like cause you know there's
going to be like one uncle who's like "No there's space... put him.
I must buy another box?
nuh uh."
It's just like, you know what I mean?
And if you've got like one of those possessive mothers, you know those mothers that love their kids.
Probably then she's crying and then everyone's like *lightning sound effects* and then they're dead.
Then they're like "ahhh-" and she's like "Don't you dare!
Don't you cry for them.
You don't cry for them.
You came here for this.
You came here.
You save your tears and you cry where they- Hey!
Hey! HEY!
They're freshly dead you can cry for them next week.
You don't, you bring those tears here and-"
But there's nothing funny about it. And um...
And so what happened is on the Monday after the funeral.
MEC came out and he held a press conference and he was there the journalists had all gathered
and it was very serious.
And he came out there and the photographers and everyone was there and he said,
"We...
we have heard...
what have happened...
on that funeral.
And let it be known that...
we...
will launch a probe.
And we will not rest...
UNTIL we know...
where does this lightning come from?!"
Not rest.
His assistant was probably like "Up, up."
He was like, yes up, we want to know!
Where does it come from?!"
I didn't even make the joke he just said this!
I just repeated it to you!
We've become a culture of distrusting, angry people. That's who we are, everyone's angry.
Weird angriness as well. In places where it shouldn't be.
I was in Checkers the other day.
I'm just shopping. It's a normal experience, you know?
I get to the cashier and, those people are so angry.
Like, I don't know what Checkers does to their employees.
But they are clearly not enjoying it.
Because I get to the till, she doesn't greet me. She doesn't even look at me.
She just pushes the little conveyer belt thing.
All my groceries pull up, she's like.
*Sound of a grocery scanner beeping*
“Shhhh”
They look at you like your dad invented the bar-code.
*sound of buttons on a cash register*
*Sound of a grocery scanner beeping*
Then they look at you and ask you that question like you kill baby panda bears for a living.
“Plastic?”
“No, I am fine. Thank you.”
“No, I'll just hold it, I'll just, yea.”
“I'll just. No, no. Thank you, thank you.”
They're so angry.
And they look angry.
Because they've drawn they're eyebrows on.
And that permanent scowl.
I don't understand that trend it fashion, I am honest with you.
Why would you shave your eyebrows off?
and then draw them back on where they were?
It's weird, but I also commend it you know.
That level of commitment has to be commended.
Because I don't understand how anyone can commit to one expression for the entire day.
Like how do you choose that expression?
Do you just work on how you feel in the morning? Is that what you do?
You just wake up and be like, “I'm feeling angry!”
“Haaaaa!”
What if something good happens? Something good. You'd be like,
”Yea Temby, you won the Lotto.”
“Yay!”
“You don't look happy.”
“I just can't show it.”
“I'll draw it tomorrow.”
You guys, you guys love your sport out here I've never seen more focus put on sport anywhere else in the world
Americans love they're sport back to front
you analyze them you worship them
you watch the game before the game you watch the game after the game
you talk about what might happen in the game you talk about what's happening in the game
and then you talk about what happened in the game
and what could've and what might've but didn't happen in the game
it's just the craziest thing I've seen in my life
it's all about statistics have you seen sports in America?
non-stop. Guys come out there...
there's no time for smiles or anything just come out
and ladies and gentlemen welcome to it it's the 2012 Miami Heat
up against OKC this is the greatest final we've been waiting for in the NBA finals
LeBron James leading his team out here averaging 30 points
double double every single game. 10 points per game
Just in assists alone. this man is just something else
90 percent from the free throw line
he just gone in... He's statistically gotten better
his team coming in with more... Chris Bosh...
coming in with more assist really doing well in the last game
just like whaaa! whaaa!
numbers, numbers, numbers stats, stats, stats
you guys know everything every stat
well I mean he's got four out of five and I mean if you look at that statistic alone
it looks like he should be getting four
and then, and then, and then it's just crazy you know everything
and then you switch over to your business channels and your economy
and you're like what's happening in the economy this year Bob?
well nobody knows... I mean
Nobody knows.... Yeah!
Ha Ha Ha Ha
Uh
we thought the housing market was coming up but it wasn't
Ha Ha Ha Ha
but hey I mean that's the economy
you never know right?
you never know What about stocks?
Well I guess stocks, they're up and down
I don't really know they're up and down They could can go anywhere
Those are stocks We don't know
but the sports you know
you need to flip that around get the statistics in the economy
just relax on your sports Have fun
that's.... the sports I watch is relaxed... like soccer
I am a huge fan of soccer
Yea Oh there's some fans here
I love soccer. It's chilled.
you hear it in the commentators when the game is being played
there's no statistics at all
the game starts off the whistle blows
and welcome ladies and gentlemen
to this majestic match
it's Spain playing against Germany
Oh and what a wonderful day it is
look at the crowd really excited
oh and the atmosphere's amazing wonderful weather
And the guys just like "Oh yea John you can feel it. and the players look great"
it's wonderful
what do you think's going to happen today Martin
Oh nobody knows
I can't even remember the last time I saw a game this good
Americans will remember Americans will go back to the finest statistic
the last time a black man scored using his left hand jumping over a mixed-race half Indian
was in 1967 when the
Okay like what?
this is madness
I remember the worst encounter I had with the T.S.A. was out in Burbank, California.
Tiny little airport, I was flying out and I was coming to New York.
And so I am in Burbank airport and I go through security.
And for some reason I was beeping, I don't know why. I walked to the metal detector.
And I beep, go out, beep, go out, beep.
Every time I have to take something of off I go out I got a beep and the agent, he's just losing it.
The whole time he's like, “take it off, take it off”
And then the machine goes beep and he's like, “take that off, take that off!”
“take that off!”, and he's like getting more and more angry.
I am basically naked right now and he's losing it, losing it.
I felt like an under-performing stripper, it was horrible.
He's like, “take that, no, ahhh!”
And finally he's just like, “get out here, get out here!”
So I walk to the side and he's like, “go ahead and put your hands up”
So I put my arms up.
Then he whipped out his little metal, personal metal detector.
looks like a midget sword, but they call it the wand.
That's what they call it, the wand. So he whips that out.
cause that hundred thousand dollar machine, that's play, play.
Shit just got real.
So he looks at me and says: ”go ahead and stick your hands up sir and keep them right there”.
So I put my arms up and he scans me
*sound of a scanner*
“You got any ah... you got any metal objects on you?”
And I was like, “then what was that for?”
“If you were gonna ask me anyway, then what was this?”
“The foreplay to my honesty, what is this?”
And then as if he can't do this right, he calls for backup.
He goes, “I'm gonna need you to wait right here”
“Can we get Velazquez to gate ah gate 10 please? Velazquez to gate 10”
And he calls for a man, by the name Velazquez.
Who I am assuming was the best wander that they had.
Because he wasn't even on the floor
They called for him and Velazquez emerged
From the back offices of the T.S.A.
And he walked out, and the energy changed.
People bowed their heads as he walk past.
Everyone gave him a little nod.
You could see he was special, and he didn't look like much.
Velazquez was a little Mexican man.
Very long mustache, big chest.
And he was very short, really, really short guy.
But he didn't feel short.
He looked short but he didn't feel short, do you know what I mean?
Like he had this thing. You know those short people that are so confident?
It looks like they just chose to grow low.
He had that energy.
And so Velazquez walks down towards where I am standing with my agent.
My guy tries to apologize, like, “I don't know what's going on”
He silenced him with one move of his hand like, “No, I go”
He stepped up and looked me in the eye. He's like, “Sir”
“jibberish”
And I didn't know what he was saying.
But I knew what he meant.
And so I stood there. I raised my arms.
And as I did, he whipped out his wand.
And he started using it all over me,
And as soon as he did, I knew why he was who he was.
It was the most magical thing I have ever come across in my life.
The way he wielded that wand was unlike anything I have ever experienced.
I felt like I was being blessed, I just stood there with my head down.
As he went all over me, just blessing me with his power.
It was something special. It was like a force, an energy.
On the outside you still heard that beeping *beeping*
But in my head I heard like a light Sabre, that what I heard.
*sound of a light sabre*
Because he was, he was to me.
A little Mexican Jedi.
In fact that's exactly what he was, he was my Mexican Jedi.
Which by the way I feel would be a welcome addition to the Star Wars franchise.
No, I am a big fan, a huge fan of Star Wars. I love Star Wars.
I was super excited when I found out they were making another one. I was losing my mind.
I went back, watched all the movies.
And I came to realize that there's no Mexican Jedi's. Not even one. There's no Mexican Jedi's.
Which is weird because when you look at it, technically speaking. Technically speaking.
Star Wars is a vision of America.
In a distant future.
So
Surely it would be safe to say.
Judging by the current trajectory.
Of Mexican people in America.
I'm sure we would be safe to say by that time.
In a galaxy far, far away.
There would be at least one, just one Mexican Jedi.
It's not even like it would spoil the story, Who knows it might open up a whole new avenue.
Can you imagine how different that epic scene between Luke and Darth could have been?
Them battling it out on the Death Star.
The moment of realization.
*Light Sabre sound*
*heavy breathing* “Luke”
*Light Sabre sound* “what do you want, you evil man!?”
*heavy breathing* “Luke”
*Light Sabre sound* “what do you want from me!”
*heavy breathing* “No...
look man...
LOOK!”
“It's your father, man”
Cause all over the world they conform to a norm and that is in airports women make announcements.
It's always a woman, always.
And she's always calm.
Always monotone.
Always comes over that system, she sits in a room quietly.
They bring her the pages one by one.
You can be in Heathrow for instance you'll hear that woman come on the system.
*PA system sound effect*
"Attention all passengers.
Please note this is an airport announcement.
No passengers are permitted to leave any items unattended as this may be seen as a security risk.
Any unattended luggage will be removed by security and destroyed.
Thank you."
*PA system turns off*
Everywhere in the world, even if you go to like non English speaking countries, they
still conform to that norm.
You know you go to places like China where you wouldn't expect it, you know?
You think and I see some of you probably thinking there be like, *Stereotypical Chinese jibberish*
No, don't even laugh, that's racist.
Don't even laugh.
Don't, hey!
Don't, no.
That's racist. You don't even laugh.
But they're not.
They're calm.
It's a woman, still the same.
She's just another language she'll come on the PA like,
*PA system turns on*
"*Calm Chinese jibberish*"
*PA system turns off*
And you know,
you know they've conformed.
And then you land in South Africa.
And you know you've landed, you know that your back home when you walk into the airport terminal building.
No, no, no.
It's almost like who ever is closest to the mic gets to do it first, you know?
No, you go do it
It's the craziest thing!
Luckily 99 percent of the time it's a woman
but she'll come on its the craziest thing ever as your walking she'll come and be like
*PA system turns on*
"ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS!
"ATTENTION ALL PASSENGERS!
HELLO!
HELLO!
I'm talking to you! Hello!
All the people that is flying Kalula.com, the plane is delayed
Yes, all the people must just take a ticket for that plane and we won't have a problem, okay.
Just to confirm if your ticket says two it's going to be three, okay
Just mustn't complain when the plane has left, I am telling you now
And you must just phone the people to pick you up
You must tell them: my plane has changed
And then they start speaking to people the background and they don't even turn off their mic!
__________.
"Okay."
"Okay all the people that is flying one time
the gate has changed."
"It's not D2 it's C15."
"It's not D2 it's C15."
If you can go to D2, you can find nothing.
"Okay, bye bye."
_______________.
I don't surf.
I sit on the beach and I enjoy it from there.
It looks beautiful, I enjoy it.
And I'm sitting on the beach in Malibu and it's during the week so it's really empty.
There's just one girl surfing out there.
California babe and she's rocking it, you know?
She's got this long blonde hair and tan looking very fake and just, you know?
She's riding her board and doing her thing and all those unnecessary surfing moves that
people do, you know?
Just stay here, there's no need for...
And surely, sure enough at the end of it that she's doing those things and the wave comes
like *Wave crashing sound effect* and I was like,
"You're dead. Dead."
But she wasn't.
She comes out of the water and she's having the time of her life! And she looks over at me and she's like,
*surfer girl accent* "Heeeeeey there!
Are you like gonna come in?
The water is like super ahhh-mazing!"
I said, "Uh, No. no, Thank you. No, thank you. I'm just going to sit here.
I'm just going to sit here and watch you.
You're very good. Keep it up, keep it up!"
She's like, "O-M-G!
You talk funnyyyy!"
"No I don't talk funny, you talk funny."
"Where are you frommm?"
"I'm from South Africa."
She's like, "Oh, wowww!
Like Africaaa?
How did you get here?"
What?
I used my monkey grip under the plane!
How did you get here?
She doesn't even wait for my answer.
She runs, she's in the water she's doing her thing and surfing having a good time doing those things.
She comes back out and now all of a sudden we're best friends.
She runs out onto the beach and she's like, "Hey, Africaaaa!"
I'm like, "Hey, Americaaaa..."
"So like you don't surf at all?"
I said, "no, I don't. I don't. Where I'm from we don't really surf."
Johannesburg, there's no surfers out here, you know?
She's like, "Aww, that's too baaad.
"Like, do you guys have waves in Africaaaah?"
Do we have waves?
A grown human being asks me if we have waves on a continent.
Like no, no, we don't, we don't.
Yeah, by the time the water gets to our side of the world it's just so tired, it's just you know?
It's so worn out from all the traveling.
It tries but it's just
"Aaaaughhh!"
Do we have waves?
She's brilliant she says this and she runs
back into the water.
And every time she goes out there, it's she comes back more stupid.
It's like...
it's almost like she's fishing for stupidity out there!
It's almost like there is a shark just like, "Yeah ask him this now, ask him this! Ask him this!"
Because she comes back and I'll never forget this until the day I die, I will not forget this conversation.
She comes back onto the beach and she stands next to me and she's taking off her wet suit and she goes,
"So like, Africaaa,
can I like, ask you a questionnn?"
I said, "Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead."
"If you're like, from Africaaa...
have you like...
ever had AIDS?"
You know what's funny?
Is I wasn't offended by the fact that she said AIDS...
but I was offended by the fact that she said,
"ever HAD
AIDS".
Like AIDS is something you could've "had" like a passing flu, you know?
"Hey Jonah, I didn't see you at work last week Thursday Bro, where were you?"
"Yeah Bro, I had a bit of AIDS there, I just
it hit me hard, eh?
You know, I took some Corenza, now I'm back Bro."
Ever "had"!
And you know, I know, I know as a child of a continent that's ravaged by this disease it's my job,
it's my duty to educate people when I meet them, you know?
It really is a part of who I am, but...
but you know when you look at someone in their eyes and...
there's no hope?
It's just that old SABC tone just like
*SABC ringing sound effect*.
It's only two of us...
and I'm bored. I figured why not have some fun?
So I look at her and I'm like,
"Yes.
Yes, America.
I've had AIDS many, many times."
She's like, "Oh wow, reallyyyy?
Oh mah gaaaahd!
So, aren't you gonna be like, super skinny and dead or somethinggg?"
I said, "No, no, no!
AIDS is not as bad as you think. It's just like chocolate, you know?
You just shouldn't have too much at one time!
And then you stop for a bit and then after you're like,
Wooo hoo, more AIDS! you know? You just chill."
She's like, "Wowwww, AIDS are like chocolate?"
I said, "Yeah, yeah! You should try it sometime."
She's like, "Noooo. That's disgusting!
'Cuz then if it's like, chocolate... then it's gonna get all melty and Ima be covered
in like, AIDS chocolate and I'll be all stickyyy
and I'll be all dirtyyy!"
I was like, "Yeah, then you just take a shower.
*Audience laughing*
No, what are you guys? what do you...?
Oh no! Don't you laugh at my president!
DAMN YOU PEOPLE!
DAMN YOU!
I don't accept your laughter!
DAMN YOU!
Don't you laugh!
This has nothing to do with that great man!
Turning my jokes against me!
NO!
I will not participate in this madness!
How else do you get clean?!
Good evening
or not.
Sorry I get nervous when I start a comedy set
I find comedy is very similar to sex for me
Um
Well it is exactly like sex when you think about it, you know...
just me the comedian playing the role of the man
and you the audience the role of the woman
because it my job to satisfy you
and you just have to sit there
and then just like sex my success or failure is somehow determined by
how much noise you make
during my performance.
You are just faking it now, thank you.
It's a one sided afair.
So I hope you aren't the quite types
*sound of giggeling'*
No, no, you where great really.
*Loud laughter*
makes it worse when a guy laughs in the middle of it.
It is not meant to be funny.
This is my first time in Australia and I must say, I'm enjoying it
after two days of traveling to get here
I finally arrived and it is quite a quaint place
it wasn't supposed to take me that long, we where delayed.
First delay was I got to the airport in Johannesburg
I was on a Quantis flight and they said, sorry Sir there is a bit of a delay.
I said how long, they said 24 hours.
I said well that is not a delay, that is cancellation.
I said it is another day, so they said come back tomorrow.
I came back the next day and we tried it again
and this time we where on the plane
and there was another delay of about 4 to 5 hours
where we are stuck on the tarmac
and the plane couldn't take off
because the airplane was not balanced.
I have never heard of that in my life.
that is what the pilot said
and like because he is a pilot we believed him, he just said it.
Because the pilot sounds serious when they are saying, he came on and he said:
"Ladies and Gentlemen I got a bit of a problem on the plane"
" I don't kno0w what it going on, it seems like it is not balanced"
"but we will have to check on what is going on"
"we will get back to you as soon as we know."
Hell of a flight.
As soon as he said that I looked at the fat people
but not in a bad way, not in a bad way
Just in a objective manner, like hey you guys cant sit together.
You need to sit one, yeah the plane
probably you, it's probably you.
Speaking of fat people, is Biggest Loser the biggest show in Australia?
That what I see on T.v the Biggest Loser.
I ,ove that show, it is fantastic
it is always on T.v
What a fantastic show. For those who don't know, The Biggest Loser is a show
where they try to help fat people lose weight
through torture basically.
Yes, both emotional and physical
Yeah, the do horrible things like leaving food in the house that they are living in
then ask them why they are eating it
"Why did you eat the food Kevin, why did you eat the food?"
because it is there and he is fat, that is what he does.
This is like his specialty, you know this before he came
why are you now acting shocked?
they should do a show about the people that make the show and call it "The Biggest Assholes"
that is what they should say.
The show is not helping anybody.
I love it, what an amazing show.
But yes we are flying, so we flew from Johannesburg to Sydney
Sydney you come in and then you have to leave the airport and then go back into the airport to fly
you go through border control, very friendly I must say
Australia I am very impressed, you guys have very friendly border control
you guys are very chilled out, very cool
Like visa is not really need, it is but not like
"Do you have your visa?"
No.
"Oh, alright"
You know. I learned the secret to getting through
from a few Chinese men that where ahead of me
is that you just have to irritate the border police and they just let you in
There was a guy ahead of me and the woman asked him
"Excuse me Sir, where are you staying in Australia, where are you staying?
He went, "Kangaroo, kangaroo!"
"No Sir, where are you staying?"
"Kangaroo, kangaroo!"
"No Sir, you cant, where are you going to be staying? How long?"
"Kangaroo, kangaroo!"
She is like, "Okay, just go in, just go in."
and he just came in and he was like
It was fantastic, it was fantastic.
Yes and he had this look when he got to the other side like
It works every time, you know.
He had this knowing look about him
So we, you come in
and it seems too easy, because it is
because the border control is very chilled
but then you get to the customs
which is the most hardcore place in the world.
I don't know what happened in Australia but you guys need to chill out when it comes to fruit.
People are standing there being strip-searched
"Where did you get the apple!"
"I don't care if you cant speak English, you gonna spend a week in quarantine mate!"
"Where did you get the apple?!"
"I don't care, I don't care! Where is the apple from?"
You see people, there was a guy that got stopped for weed
He's like: "Is that meruana? don't do it again"
"but you with the apple, back to where you came from!"
What did fruit do to your country?
It is such a weird place getting used to Australia, because you finally come in
and then you cant understand anybody, you really really cant because
because you guys say you speak English but it's not
it is like you try but then I could not tell
because sometimes it actually sounds like Chinese
I used to hear people making jokes about Oh there are all all these Chinese people
but then when you come you don't know if the Australians are Chinese or not Chinese
because it sounds the same to me
especially like a very deep Australian accent is very, like people say
*Chinesse jibberish*
Oh yeah, Shushini, shushini
No, I don't know what is going on here man. This is very
and then the phrases that I do understand don't make sense
like positive phrases. Like apparently
apparently she'll be right.
I don't know who she is and how she applies to me
but this is very important to say in Australia.
You also feel it is very important to tell everybody that you have no worries.
Yes, I did not ask you about your life philosophy
I just asked you how you where on the day
"No worries, no worries."
Really not even one, not even one worry?
Really in Australia, are things that good here?
not even one worry, not even prostate cancer?
not even one, not even North Korea?
because those guys are close, I am just saying.
Not even one worry? Yeah, yeah.
and the strangest one, and this is something I have learned
that you should teach people before they come is
The correct answer to the phrase, "How you going"
Is not, "By airplane."
I feel it is strange asking people this while they are traveling
I was flying, we where in Sydney
going to Melbourne and I got to the counter
I said to the woman: "hi I am going to Melbourne please"
and she said: "Oh yeah, how you going?"
and I said: "by airplane."
that is why I have chosen this building over here
to be traveling in.
and she said no, I was greeting you.
and I said: "oh, no worries."
You guys have been great, thanks for having me.
This is so amazing, so many of you here, to see me.. huh!?
That was like the most amazing experience. I didn't know that the Royal Wedding
was going to be this weekend. I didn't know it was gonna be today. I planned my
show long before them... I knew that I loved you before he knew... that's what I'm saying...
I planned our big day long before they planned theirs...
and then now everyone was like... Are you going to London, are you go for the Royal Wedding?
Are you here for the Royal Wedding? Are you here for the Royal Wedding?
It's quite an event, I have to say... like everything.. everyone... everyone is watching...
everything about you! All the stories people would talk about...
Cause you're watching it all over the world. They're like... yes Megan Markle...
Yes, she isn't she isn't the typical royal! Yes... she's not the typical royal...
what we mean is... (mouthing) "BLACK" Yes!
Typical Royal, she's comes from an unconventional (mouthing) "BLACK" family!
I was like... yeah man she does, she comes from an unconventional family...
just like Harry... Same thing. Come on!
And they look good together.
It was beautiful!
Everyone was stressed out about it... Megan Markle's family was in the tabloids...
The Daily Mail trying to destroy their lives! Man, when the Daily Mail comes after you...
They do not mess around! They will find that one Uncle in your family who's an
alcoholic and shits his pants!!!
Meet Trevor's Uncle Bobby...
I didn't even know I had an Uncle Bobby!!
Well now you do.... and he shits his pants!!
and they'll always find a way to try and link it to you... like it's your fault!
They'll be like... Megan Markle's, Uncle's, son Donny didn't pay his bills!
she doesn't even know him!
Doesn't matter... It shows that her family is unconventional.
I'm not gonna lie... I was glad that it was the white side of Meghan's family
That was a.... I'm not gonna lie...
I'm....
We could not handle that as black people!
That is the last thing we needed!
Can you imagine if that was the black side of the family?? Really!?
If Megan's dad was on TV and he was like....
Oh noooo, I'm not coming to their wedding.
Noooo!
Here we see Meghan's father posing for photos....
Ahh you caught me again... oh no, you have caught me! ahhh!
Black people would have never...
Cause that's the hard thing about being a minority... whether you're black...
whether you're in your... whether you... you know whether you're Arabic...
whatever it is... like if you're a minority... if you if you have a certain skin tone...
you know that every action you commit, every action you commit, like.... taints your
whole... your family. It taints your everything! White people are individuals...
that's white people... that's like the best thing in the world!
That's what white privilege means to me, you're an individual...
Let's look at Dave... he is excellent!
He's a mass murderer!!
As Trevor, if I killed half of you tonight... they'd be like...
Ahhh...
Those mixed breeds!!
I take everyone down with me!
So much stress.
So I was glad... I was glad...
Like her mom was there... uh no, fly... looking beautiful as well!
The wedding went off without a hitch...
And my favorite thing was how like...
how like, the British media talked about... How black the event was...
and they weren't... I understand and here's the thing...
This is like one of those things, where I understand... like, they want to talk about it...
because you're not used to having like a black wedding, right?!
And so like everyone today... I'd had like CNN... contacted me and they're like... Trevor!
Would you mind speaking about...umm..The wedding.. and, and rarely all the black performers?!
There was a black cellist...
and, there was a black choir...
and a black Pastor!
How do you feel??
Black?!?
I don't know how I'm supposed to feel...
What are you...
How do you respond to that question?!
How do you feel about... I don't know how I feel, it's a wedding!
I don't know... what do you want me to say?
that's a normal wedding...
I wasn't watching that wedding being like... Whoa that's black!
So much black...
Another one!
It's a wedding...
what do you want me to say... It's people!
And also... I feel like people go too far, like you know that's where you realize that
there's enough.... there's not enough like diversity in your world. Is if you think
that... THAT made it a black wedding!!
Let me tell you something...
A black cellist... has canceled itself out!
If have a black person playing the cello...
It's safe to say, that you've canceled out the blackness of that event!
That's the safest way to introduce blackness into your family...
Daddy!! I'm dating a black man!!
What?!?
He plays the cello!
Alright, bring him in, bring him in!
Even white people think a cello is white.
You walk in with a cello?! White people are also like...
What the hell is that man?
like it was a black wedding... It wasn't a black... It was just a wedding!
It was a beautiful, beautiful wedding!
If it was a real black wedding, it wouldn't have ended!
That's a REAL black wedding!
It would NEVER end!
If it was a real black wedding... Prince's Nigerian Uncle...
You would've found like Harry's Nigerian Uncle
He would have been in the carriage with them...
I'm not paying for this carriage...
And not riding in it, ahh?!
you want to ride alone Harry?? You want to drive alone?!
Let me tell you something.. Ah!?
Let... me... tell.... you something!
We are all getting in this carriage! Ah?! Every single one of us!
_______, get in the carriage...
There is space for everybody! Don't be like that Harry! huh?!
This is your family's day! This is not just your day ah?!
When you were a little boy.... Who was there for you?!
Huh?
Who was there? That... I was here! ah!?
I was there!
Uncle _______ was there for you Harry!
Don't be like that, huh?! Don't be like that!
Where do you think you get your bald spot from? Ah?!
Where do you think you got that from?
That's a black wedding!
This was just a wedding... a wedding that included black people, that's all it was.
And it was beautiful.
It was beautiful to see...
All the celebrities showing up.
All the famous people... they sang God Save The....
I never noticed... that when they sing God Save The Queen... The Queen doesn't sing.
which I understand... I mean, I feel like that would be a little bit weird
Like she knows... like which is... like that's what I like about the Queen, I'm not gonna front
Like she has a gangster vibe about her. Like... she's gotten to that point where she's like...
Yeah I'm the Queen, I'm over it! Let's keep it moving...
She doesn't act like someone who's the Queen anymore...
She's just like I'm over it... I'm the Queen!
And so everyone standing there like God, (gibberish)
She's like... yeah yeah, I know, I know... Save Me, I know!
I'm not going to sing it for myself!
Can't be like.... Saaa, aaaa, aaaaave, me!
I don't need you assholes to save me!
I drive myself!
Ha ha ha ha
It was such a beautiful day... every single piece of it.
It was wonderful, seeing the people in the streets...
Everyone had a smile on their face...
You know, everyone was happy!
Cause like Harry's popular! He's popular in southern Africa. He's popular in the UK
He's got that cool vibe about him... you know Meghan Markle as well... has inspired people
The only weird thing in the wedding for me was... they had a black Pastor.
African Pastor, and...
and.... This was like... It was weird in a good way!
He started giving a sermon...
And he started talking about Martin Luther King.
And then he started talking about slavery.
And I could see, in that moment...
There were people in the audience who were like... God Save The Queen! God Save The Queen!
Somebody STOP this man! God Save The Queen!
That is why Jacob has been different because
because a lot of people panic in South Africa, they panic you know
when it comes to our politicians because of this. They just don't understand them
Especially around election time, that is when you see the most panic in South Africa.
It has always been the case
for our first democratic election in 1994
Remember that?
Nelson Mandela was about to become president
most of the country was over joyed, a few people where worried.
you heard them whispering
"I am leaving, I am leaving!"
"I am going to Australia Mary."
"I am going, it has been fun but it is time to go hey?"
"because you know now they are going to take over, it is time to go."
"I am leaving, I am going to Australia."
Then Nelson Mandela became president
and they all stayed.
"He is a wonderful man! Wonder full man, ah!"
"If it was not for him I would have left."
"Wonderful man, he is amazing yeah"
"He is really great, I love him. He is amazing."
You thought they where over it but next elections people panicked again.
Thabo Mbeki about to become president and people lost it.
"I am leaving, I am going to Australia Mary. I am going."
"This time I am going. You know that now that Mandela is gone they are going to eat us hey?"
"It is only a matter of time"
"I am leaving, I am going to Australia!"
But once again, Thabo became president
and they all stayed.
He left.
No shame, no no shame.
Then we had Kgalema Motlanthe, wasn't that crazy?
Kgalema Motlantheeeee
He is like our interim president, didn't want to touch anything.
He was that guy, hey?
No one knew what to get of him, it was just like crazy
and they lost their minds even worse.
"I cant believe it! I didn't even vote!
"I didn't even vote!"
"What the hell! One minute I go to PEP"
"and Thabo Mbeki is our president"
"and the next thing you know, I wake up and we have"
"Kgalema Mmmmglanti! I cant believe it!"
"I am going to Australia, I am going!"
But then once again thankfully they stayed,
and then it got interesting
because it was the turn of Jacob Zuma.
OOOOHHH
The original boogeyman.
People panicked again, although it was different
for the first time in South African history you heard black people going
"Eish!"
"How much is that ticket to Australia again?"
Jacob knew he had to go big, go big or go home
he knew there was only one way from where he was and that was down
Jacob was like, "They will remember me"
"One way or another"
"Mandela might be the father of the nation but I will be the father of a nation
I wanted Jacob to be a mad man, I wanted him to be totally crazy you know?
I wanted him to not give damn, walk into parliament
4 hours late, his top undone, belly hanging out
walk in like nothing is wrong in the world
Everyone has been waiting for him, him running and singing
*Jacob humming and dancing*
Helen Ziller in the corner
"Jacob, you are late Jacob"
"Jacob we have been waiting for you for 4 hours, you cant come..."
"Hey, shut up you!"
"Shut up. Late for who, late for who!"
"It is my time not, shut up you!"
Jacob Zuma, unlike the rest of us does not conform
he does not conform
to the norms, you know?
He does not conform the laws of gramar and punctuation as we mere mortals
No.
No.
Not our President.
"Comma? For who?"
"for you maybe not me"
"comes out there confident
Cadence wherever he pleases.
Reading out
"We"
"have and"
"always will be"
"Proud members"
"of the A"
"NC"
"and as such"
"we are proud supporters"
"of the devil"
"opment"
"of"
"rural errors"
"and as such, it is of utmost imopince"
"to note that 2011"
"is the year for us all"
"to party"
"Yay!" "tisipate"
"and so forth"
"let it not be a blame game"
"Let us understand that I, Jacob Zuma"
"am not a cunt"
"tree on my own"
*Loud aplause*
Zuma comes out and says, hey I am not perfect
I am human, I make mistakes. Just like you
now and again I will make a mistake
and another one, and another one, and another one
and another one, but hey! Who is perfect?
I look at Jacob Zuma and he strikes me as the kind of person who
is on Facebook, he just has that vibe to him
Well you can see Facebook people. Some people look like Facebook people, some people don't.
He just strikes me as a Facebook person, he strikes me as that kind of guy you know.
In the presidential office in the morning, he is sitting there
getting everything ready
and then he gets into it
*computer mouse clicking*
www.Facebook.com
*computer mouse clicking*
*phone ringing*
"Hello? No, I am very busy now, very busy."
"Yeah, I am writing a speech." "Yeah"
"about the world okay, bye bye. Bye bye!"
*hanging up the phone*
"Log-in"
"User Name"
"Jacob"
"Zu..."
*Searcging for letters on the keyboard*
"Julius!"
"Julius!"
"Yeah"
"Where is U?"
"I am here!"
"Eish, this guy is stupid"
"u"
"U!" "Zuma"
"Log in!" "How!"
"Status update"
"Jacob is feeling"
"Frisky!"
"send!" "Now all the single ladies put their hands up"
__________.
"a mention, an intention"
"a friend request! Except, except, except"
"except, Oh hello, except"
"except, except, except, except, except, except"
"Kim Jong, ah, except, except, except"
"except,_______, except, except, except, except, except"
"Eish, except, except"
"Hey, Hellen Ziller!" "Ignore!"
"Never!"
"Just now she sees my photo's"
"Coming here with"
"what is happening here?"
"Julius, invitation"
"No man Julius, I don't want to be a vampire" "Decline!"
"Eish, this guy!"
"What, obviously team Jacob. Stupid question"
"come in here with this things"
"Okay, Mbeki is online now"
"Okay, check the status"
"Mbeki is an African"
"Comment"
"Mbeki is unemployed"
*Jacob Zuma laughing*
"Send"
*Jacob Zuma laughing*
"Like"
*Jacob Zuma laughing*
"Poke, poke, poke!"
*Jacob Zuma laughing*
"Super poke!*
*Jacob Zuma laughing*
"That guy man, what is happening here?"
Barack, still no response. This guy is not serious.
"Hide, doesn't send Barack
"Friend request all the time, don't even message"
"Dear"
"Barack"
"it's"
"me"
"Jacob"
"Why"
"don't"
"you"
"want to be"
*Laughter*
"my friend"
"Huh?"
He looks like he could type that huh?
H, U, H Huh?
For some reason I feel like this is a great portrayal of Jacob, I feel like this is
This seems like he would type on a keyboard
I have never seen him but I don't know
like, you know?
He seems like this type of guy.
Like a finger typer
* typing with 2 fingers*
Because, I don't know with like standard 2 I don't think he is like
*typing on a keyboard*
No, no, I didn't mean it bad
who was like woa?
I am just saying I...
because by saying woa you are saying
Trevor I disagree with you, I think it is pretty reasonable to assume Jacob Zuma types like this.
He is a 70 word per minute kind of guy, you know
Is like that what you?
Oh mind you, what you are also saying is
the guy who speaks like
"Thous"
"O one"
"two" That guy
What you are saying is
all of the sudden when he gets on a keyboard
then
then he goes from
"those work" and then when he is on a keyboard
all of the sudden magically he is like
"Hey gang, how you guys doing!"
"OMG, being President is like super hard"
"Why is Hellen Ziller always on my case? Wtf loser"
"and ________ said the funniest thing the other day and I was like LMFAO"
"He is like super hilarious, anyway got to go"
"got to get back to work okay, smiley
No, he is here that guy.
He is here.
We got the cutest president in the world and you guys don't respect him!
you don't appreciate him
He has got that cute face with that grin
he is just like, you know
He looks like he could have been one of those kids in the Jet magazine, just like..
*smiling and posing*
He is super cute man
how can you hate on Jacob Zuma?
he is like a little Zulu ninja turtle man
I can see him in the crew doing this
*Ninja turtle theme song*
Leonardo!
Raphael!
Michelangelo!
Jacob!
"Cowabanga!"
Ha Ha Ha Ha
Oh, I miss Jacob so much
and you people where torturing him while I was away
You are torturing him! How could you do that?
painting horrible pictures of Jacob Zuma
you guys are disgusting.
The man...
Jacob on the mountain with the wind blowing
through where he would have hair.
Just him, J.Z
and mini me.
Altough it wasn't that mini, you have to admit
that was a pretty solid picture. Well not solid but you know what I mean because
I am just saying if it was me, I would not be offended by that hey
I would have been there at the gallery everyday, just like posing
and waiting for people.
Maybe like, "hello ladies, hallo, hallo"
"Hallo, nice, hallo"
"Take a picture, take a picture there, take a picture"
"they must know"
*Laughter*
So strong and so confident.
He's like: "This picture is racist, this picture is disrespectful!"
It wasn't even that disrespectful, I know you might not like it
and that is your personal opinion, but it wasn't that...
even the name of the picture was strong and powerful you know?
Jacob Zuma, thew spear.
The symbol of the Zulu nation for hundreds of years
made famous by king Shaka him self
conquering army after army with the spear.
______________________.
The spear of the nation, the spear.
It is not like that guy called it "The pocketknife"
The Spear, big and manly.
That is why our president didn't complain, Jacob Zuma did not complain once
because he understands art, he is cultured.
The guys around him complaining on his behalf
I hate it when people do that, he was not even offended
they ran to him like little kids tattle taliing.
"Jacob!" "Jacob!"
"Yes"
"What happened now?"
"Jacob, it is disgusting! It is disgusting!"
"Did you see what they did? They painted you, they painted you!"
"There is no paint on me"
"I am fine"
"No sorry, they painted a picture of you"
"They painted a picture of you, just show him the picture! just show him the picture!"
and they came running with the picture and they showed it to him
but Jacob Zuma is a chilled out guy, he does not have time for these things
He probably didn't even see anything and was just like
"I don't see"
"anything wrong"
"with this" "Oh"
*Jacob Zuma laughing*
Giggling Casanova has no time for these trivial pursuits
I would not be shocked if Jacob is having the time of his life right now in the presidential bedroom
finding himself a new romantic game to play with the ladies
You know he is romantic, many kids, many wife's
he knows what it is about, you know?
He is there, covered him self in body paint
Playing Barry White in the background
*Barry White music playing*
Just in the bedroom door looking all sexy
looking in the door at his wife
"Number two"
"are you ready?"
"for the spear?"
She is there like,
"WHOOO!" "I am not ready!"
"I am not ready!"
and he is like, "ready or not"
"here I come"
Jacob Zuma was on the balcony waving at everybody
because the elections are coming up, so you are going to see him everywhere now.
Waving. Yeah, you are going to see him in the streets waving
You will see him at the rally's dancing
He is going to be out shaking hands, kissing babies
mostly his babies, but still
*kissing*
"Vote for me"
Because you know he has to connect with the people
the ANC is having a tough time right now
this is one of the worst times in ANC history
Highest levels of corruption, lowest level of service delivery.
The ANC is just a shadow of it's former self
Yeah, people in the ANC are disgusted by the ANC
They stand there like, "Nah, ANC"
"No man, no man, no man"
"no man, enough man no, come on ANC"
They say this while looking in the mirror
"Come on ANC"
"you can do better, come on man"
It's gotten bad
It is so bad Kgalema Motlanthe does not go anywhere with Jacob, have you noticed this?
Vice president but you never see them together.
because Kgalema is like
"I don't want that guy around"
always tells Jacob, Jacob is like,
"let's go Kgalema"
He is like, "I will meet you in front, go"
___________________.
It has gotten bad, who do you vote for?
Mampele, Rampele
It is a funny name, wont make me vote for you though.
Yes.
Doctor Mamphele.
Used to date Steve Becko, so she knows about the struggle.
She is an intelligent elderly black woman
and she came out, she denounced the ANC
she said, "the ANC is not what it used to be in this country"
"as black people we must stand up and realize that change is needed"
"vote for a hung world and vote for change"
We are like, "Yeah, you go girl"
and then she made a big mistake
she challenged Jacob Zuma directly.
Yeah, head to head
but she used money as her platform
big mistake.
Never bring money up around Jacob, ever.
Look, because I don't know if you have noticed. Our president admits to money
there is always money around him but it is never his.
Always, oh it is the Sheiks money,
it is the Gupta's money,
it's never his money, he is always there like,
"No, it's not mine It's not mine"
"It's not mine, it's not mine"
"I don't know, it's not mine it's not mine"
Yeah.
Building a house for two hundred and fifty million rand.
Jacob, where the hell is that money coming from?
"I have a bond"
"for eight hundred thousand with FNB."
I go, eight hundred thousand?
two hundred and fifty million
"That is not my problem"
"my calculator says it is fine"
Ramaphele tried to challenge him, she came out one day, she said
"Jacob Zuma has not declared his income as our president"
"He does not tell parliament how much money he has"
"we want to know how much he has and how much he gets from other people"
"I will lead by example"
"I as Ramaphele have fifty five million rand"
"Jacob, how much do you have?"
People where like, "Yeah!"
"how much do you... Woah, woah, woah, woah"
"How much again?"
"Fifty five million?"
"Where did you get that money?"
She is like, "I am on the board of many companies, I work very hard"
"even me I work very hard, but fifty five million?"
"how much overtime is that?
_____________________.
She is like, "No, I worked for it
"but we want to know where does Jacob get his money"
"Hey, don't worry about that guy lady, don't worry"
"we know he stole it"
but you, where did you get fifty five million?"
I don't know who to vote for anymore.
You cant make jokes about Robert Mugabe in Zimbabwe,
if you do this you get arrested and sent to prison for mocking the president right?
so I know I would go there and I would not be able to resist.
like I would just be like,
"Ha, ha mustache"
and I am in jail.
which normally would not be such a bad thing
because what would happen with an international incident like that is
normally your president would just come there
and he would ask for you to be released and taken back to your country
that's all, but now
I don't know
if that guy
*Laughter*
will come and fetch me.
*Laughter*
I can see him sending Mugabe the e-mail now
"It's fine Rob"
"keep him."
*Laughter*
Jacob Zuma has not smiled in months.
He was our laughing president, do you remember that?
He was that guy
*Zuma laughing*
I have not seen him laugh
for months his been there in parliament, in the corner
*Zuma crying*
and the funny thing is he introduced us to Julius Malema
that is the craziest thing about this whole situation, huh?
It is a thin line...
between love and hate.
He introduced us to Julius Malema
that was his guy
he came with him and we where the one's asking questions
we saw Julius in thew beginning, it was almost like
Jacob Zuma brought us a puppy, a little ANC puppy
He was like, "Hey guys, this is my little puppy Julius"
and we where like, wow this is interesting
Hey Jacob, your puppy took a shit on the carpet
and he was like, "Oh, that is not my problem"
"Ha, ha, ha"
"good dog"
We are like, hey Jacob your puppy is chewing our shoes
and he was like, "ha, ha it is not my problem, good dog"
Now the puppy is grown up
biting the owner
Zuma's leg is there like,
"Hey, hey! Voetsek man, voetsek!"
"Pay back the money!"
"Hey man voetsek! Voetsek!"
"Voetsek! Guys help me!"
and we are there like, "That is not our problem"
"ha, ha, ha, ha, ah"
"Good dog"
Have you guys seen our president, have you guys seen him lately?
Oh man, he is back.
He is back and better than ever before, you know?
the last few months has Ben so taxing on him
People fighting with him, people in parliament shouting things at him.
He has been stressed sitting in a corner all to himself.
and then he found out that he would be paying nothing
absolutely nothing for the upgrades at Mgangla,
and he walked into parliament a new man
had a bounce in his step
his swag back
Jacob 2.0
I mean he is still doing the same thing, making the same mistakes
but now he has a certain level of panache
I saw him mess up a speech the other day, stumbled on a word like he always does
this time he didn't frown, he did not get stressed
he just worked through it
"and here we can clearly see"
"the arm"
"prem, pre , pro, fap rem, Edie"
"pre, medi, mam,med,medi"
"red, ray, rem, ma, mabo"
*Zuma laughing*
"a pre, med, mabo, redie, mabo"
*Zuma laughing*
*Zuma lauging*
"a pre-me meditated"
Just came back and he handled it.
I love how he just stepped away
and did the cutest little...
I don't even know what he was doing there, he just does like a little....
it is almost like he is just moving his brain to the other side of his head.
Like he knows when it is in the wrong place, it doesn't...
He just shook it up.
and he came back in
even the way he handled the scandal
was powerful
We thought for sure that Nkgandla would be his downfall
and yet Jacob Zuma took something so serious and turned it into a joke
and threw it
back in our faces.
"Well, we are clearly living"
"in"
"a place where there is poverty of politics"
"people asking questions"
"but they don't want answers"
"Questions, more answers"
"Investigating"
"they ask again questions"
"more answers"
Then in parliament we hear"
"point of order, point of order"
"Yes, _________.
"ha, ha"
________________________.
Who is this guy?
Huh?
He is just shrugging it off, evading
maneuvering
Never mind the Ngandla joke, I love the fact that he rolled his eyes.
that blew my mind, I have never seen Jacob Zuma do that
He looked over and was just like
*rolling his eyes*
When did Jacob Zuma start rolling his eyes?
That is not something he does, Jacob Zuma does not roll his eyes guys
In fact, presidents don't roll their eyes
it is not a very presidential thing to do
in parliament, to roll your eyes
at the position. Even the most deviant rulers in the world
don't roll their eyes.
When the UN is telling the leader of North Korea
to stop making nuclear weapons
you don't see Kim Jong-un going,
"Ag, whatever!"
You don't roll your eyes.
Jacob Zuma did
and he did it in style, I want to know where he learned it
how he learned it, has he been doing it for a while?
because rolling your eyes is part of an attitude
you don't just roll your eyes, if you roll your eyes you got that sass
you are bitchy, you know?
is he doing more than that?
Now I see Jacob Zuma in a totally different light,
now I am picturing him hanging outwith the rest of the ANC comrades chatting about these problems
"Mr. President I want to know where is the money Mr. President
"where did the money go?"
and he is like, "Really guys?"
"over and over they keep asking me"
"I mean literally, I am tired now"
"like, cant they get over it"
"like that Musi guy, get a life already"
"just because you hang with white chicks, I mean"
"Please"
"Whatever"
Is that what he is doing?
and if he is, where did he learn that?
Where do you learn to roll your eyes at that age, that is what I want to know.
It is not your friends, it is not your colleagues.
It is probably your kids, yea you learn bad habits at home.
Jacob Zuma probably learned it from one of his children in the house.
one of his daughters maybe
she was going out for a night with her friends
caught her as she was leaving.
"Hey, where are you going?"
"where are you going dressed like that?"
"Dad, I told you I am going out with my friends. I am going to a party"
"First off all, you are already in a party"
"Secondly, no daughter of mine will dress like that"
"go and change!"
"Dad, what are doing? You are killing me"
"come on, why are you doing this. I can dress however I want, I am old enough."
"Hey, you will do as I say"
"as long as you are living under my roofs"
"which I have paid for with other people's money"
"you will obey me, go and change!"
"Dad, come on. Why are you doing this
"everyone else dress like this, all the other kids do it"
"are all the other kids my children?"
"You never know."
"Huh, what are you doing.'
"Don't come in this house with that DA attitude"
"go and change, now!"
"Ag, whatever!"
"What was that?"
"what did you just do?"
"I didn't do anything daddy"
"Don't lie to me, I saw it."
"you did something with your eyes"
"it looked like The Undertaker"
"but they came back, what was that?"
"I just..."
"I just rolled my eyes dad."
"That made me feel so insignificant."
"What you did there made me feel like you did not acknowledge the seriousness of this situation."
"Can you teach me how to do that?"
"Yeah, like..."
"It's easy, you just roll your eyes like"
"if someone says something you don't like you just go like"
"Ah, whatever"
"Ah, whatever"
"Wow, wow dad. That is too much"
"you have just got to loosen up and be like Ah, whatever"
"Ag, whatever"
"I think I got it."
"No you don't have it dad, you are rolling your head"
"you are supposed to roll your eyes."
"and my eyes are where?"
"exactly"
and he was off
ready to roll baby.
and he did, he rolled straight into parliament.
Shut it down.
Turned Ngandla into a joke, you Ngandla up anymore. It is over now.
You say Ngandla in parliament and people laugh at you.
Yeah, immediately. "and what about Ngandla"
It's done.
it's done.
Just, you know.
I love it so much, you know what I love most about the Ngandla thing?
a lot of people do not realize this.
Jacob Zuma was making a joke out of Ngandla, yes.
but what was more interesting to me was the fact
that he was mocking Vusi Mangmani, the leader of the DA.
A lot of people did not pick this up.
When he is doing the whole "Ngandla"
He is mocking Vusi Mangmani's model C English accent.
That is what he is doing.
Jacob Zuma thinks that he speaks funny.
*Laughter*
That is priceless.
Jacob Zuma is sitting in parliament watching Vusi Mangmani speak
like, "I would like to know about the allocation of funds"
"more especially regarding"
"the homestead at Mgandla and whether.." and he is like,
*Zuma laughing*
"This guy talk so funny"
*Zuma laughing*
"Ngandla"
"Ngandla, would you like some tea with your crumpets?"
"mash, mash, mash, mash"
"mash, mash, mash, mash-mellow"
Jacob Zuma is just laughing at him, that's just beautiful.
I don't know how much of it is true or not
what I do know is
If Jacob Zuma was allowing the Gupta's to control our country and choose our ministers
then it was not my president being corrupt to me
it was the Gupta's telling him what to do
It is like Julius said
"The Gupta's where in his ear all along"
"They where inside his ear all along"
and you know the way Julius sounded, it sounded amazing because
Like I get the phrase when they go they where in his ear
but he said they where inside his ear.
It sounded like the Gupta's where actually inside
Jacob Zuma's ear.
when actually would have made sense if you think about it.
what if they where inside his ear the entire time?
how do we know that every single time Jacob Zuma was speaking to us as a nation
he was actually telling us what the Gupta's was saying
like he had one of those earpieces that they have
on those hidden camera shows
like he was there in parliament outside parliament
there was a van with a Gupta sitting inside of it
*tapping on microphone*
Hello Jacob?
Jacob?
Jacob I have activated your earpiece
you are going to repeat everything that I tell you okay
Jacob? Jacob?
Can you hear me Jacob? Can you hear me?
Roger Roger Roger
No No it's Atul
this is Atul here Jacob
I know who it is guys I got it
I know who it is
okay lets just make sure levels are correct Jacob
one two, one two, one two?
okay what you want to do
no one two like three one two like three
Oh okay okay
I've got you guys so
I must just repeat everything that you say
yes you are going to repeat everything Jacob
okay this is going to be very complicated I
trying to listen to you while also speaking
we understand Jacob but you know we have already made a plan you and us
so repeat everything that I say okay
okay I will repeat everything
and that is probably why things went wrong.
because I don't know if you've ever tried to listen to someone while talking to someone else
your mind jams
Jacob Zuma could never deliver a speech
its not that he couldn't read He couldn't listen
he couldn't listen and speak at the same time
I used to watch him and think what's going on Jacob?
YouTube is buffering What's happening here?
this is why data must fall
but it turns out he was just listening the entire time
there he was in parliament
the press saver said his name as it came
_____________________.
Jacob Zuma came out to the podium
his earpiece was ready
good evening everybody
good evening everybody
Proud South Africans Proud South Africans
and Indians especially
and Indians especially
we are doing well in this country
we are doing well in this country
and also don't listen to don't listen to
the news papers the news papers
even though what they say even though what they say
Is right Is right
Sometimes Sometimes
also there is no problem with the ANC. also there is no problem with the ANC.
the membership is growing the membership is growing
currently we have nine hundred and thirty nine million three hundred and sixty thousand
nine hundred and thirty nine
thousand No thirty nine million
sixty and sixty two
No thirty nine million six hundred
three hundred
and ninety No I said nine hundred
Nine hundred million
sixty two thousand
sixty two thousand
No Jacob you are missing the point
Point
hundred
Million. Million.
No Jacob listen properly
listen properly
listen properly
listen properly
No Jacob listen
listen properly
nine hundred million nine hundred million
give me a pen there
give me a pen
No Jacob hundred million thirty-nine
thirty-nine million
sixty-three
sixty-three thousand
*coughing*
No man Jacob That was just a tickle and a cough
___________.
*Zuma laughing*
*Zuma Laughing*
Okay this is going wrong Jacob Abort
Abort Jacob Abort
I bought
*Laughing*
*Aplause*
They where in his ear the entire time.
I miss South Africa man.
I miss it, I watch parliament now again.
I went straight into it, watching the vote of no confidence
I was so stressed.
I don't know about you, but I was so stressed.
I was like please, please, please
don't let Zuma go, please.
Don't let Zuma go, my jokes. All of my jokes.
Please1!
I did go to Zambia though.
Fantastic place Zambia.
Went there, visited the place and had a good time.
While I was there I had a chaperone who really made my trip.
His name was Alinani, sweet guy.
And his job was to get me accustomed to the Zambian culture.
And every day he would give me a new piece of information, some more interesting than others.
Like one day he looks at me and goes,
“Trevor, you know Zambia is a very, very conservative nation."
I said, “Oh, okay Ali.
He says, “Yea, so please stay away from profanity.”
And I said I can do that, I assumed he meant swearing.
But I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure if he meant a person or swearing.
No, no, because in Zambia people have names like Profanity.
So, that's how I laughed when I met Screwdriver. It's the same way I laughed.
Yea, because you see
In South Africa we have African names you can translate.
Like Happiness, Blessing and Hope. Those kinds of names.
But then in Zambia
People give their names, like they give their children names
of everyday English words, anything.
So like, table, chair, car, house.
You see, like you just have to get used to it.
It's very hard, but you have to keep a straight face.
Which was difficult because I met a mechanic, who had sons named Brake and Clutch.
And that was not, especially when Brake was running around causing chaos.
And his dad was there like, “stop it Brake, stop it Brake, stop it, stop it Brake.
And I was like, “Hey, stop it Brake. Ha Ha.”
But you have to get used to it, it's a cultural thing.
And so, you have to respect it.
And the second warning Ali gave me, was even stranger.
We are driving thru Lusaka, the capital.
And Ali looks over at me in the car and goes,
“Trevor, you know here in Zambia we are a very God loving nation.”
I said, “Oh, okay Ali. That's a good thing to know.”
He says, “Yes, so while you are here don't be gay.”
I said, “What?”
He says, “I know it can be tempting sometimes but don't do it.”
“Don't be gay.”
“Don't be gay?”
I have never been warned of this in my life, don't be gay?
“Hey bru, don't be gay. Don't be gay.”
“Don't be gay?”
Crazy, crazy warning to get.
But then I found out why Ali was warning me.
Turns out in Zambia being gay is illegal.
If you are found to be gay
you will be arrested and sent to prison
for more than thirty years, yea.
Which is a bit of a weird punishment.
When you think about it.
I mean I am not saying that gay guys would enjoy prison,
I am just saying if I was gay
That's not the worst thing you could do to me.
They would be like, “you are going to jail!”
I would be like, “Oh no.”
Don't be gay?
I couldn't believe this, gay is a crime in Zambia.
Which got me thinking. If gay is a crime, that means the police have to monitor it.
They actually have to police gay. Yeah.
Which means in their police force, they have a gay division.
It's a crime, it's a crime.
So that means they have a murder unit, a robbery unit, a white collar crimes unit.
And then they got a gay unit.
Yea, they have got a little G unit in their police force.
That's responsible for all things gay.
That must be the most fun police force to be in, in the world.
You get to go under cover, dress up really nice.
Get in touch with your flamboyant side, have a good time.
I bet the sergeant's there every morning, briefing his detectives.
“Good morning Detectives.”
“Welcome everybody, today we will be launching a sting operation.”
“We have just been informed of a fashion show that will be taking place.”
“And as you know, the gays cannot resist the latest fashion trends.”
“Therefore we will be in full attendance to apprehend each and every one of them.”
“Let us make sure we are here.”
“Detective Chepoa?”
“Present!”
“Detective Table?”
“Present!”
“Detective Mongai?”
“Present!”
“I think he's in too deep.”
How do you police gay?
Do they stop you if you look suspiciously gay in the streets?
I mean, gay doesn't have a look. But maybe you have a bounce about you, like a bit of pizazz.
Do the police pull up there and is like,
*police siren* “You, over there!”
“What is the purpose of that flamboyant scarf?”
“Put your hands up!”
“Turn around! Don't tempt me, don't tempt me!”
“You are going to jail.”
How do you police gay?
Do they have roadblocks? Like for drunk driving?
Do they have gay roadblocks?
They are just like stopping people in they're cars.
“Good evening Officer”
“Good evening Sir”
“License Please?”
“Thank you very much, Mr. Stylish. Hey?”
“Tell me Sir, have you been gay this evening?”
“No, I have not been gay. In fact, I don't gay at all.”
“I see, not even one or two?”
“No, No. No gays for me. No gays for me.”
“Okay”
“Then tell me Sir.” *sniffing*
“What is that I can smell on your breath?”
“Is that balls?”
“No, no, no, I”
“I don't even eat Chutney, No”
“A ha”
“So you are not gay?”
“No, not gay at all”
“Then Sir, can you please blow into this?”
Ahh
Don't be gay.
I was not gay while I was in Zambia, so I had a good time.
Went around and saw the people.
The highlight of my trip came when on my day off
I asked Ali for suggestions.
Ali said to me, “Maybe you should travel around Lusaka, meet some of the people”
“just have a good time.”
I said to Ali I want to do something special.
He said, “Oh well, in that case”
“Maybe you can go to the Mall and if you are lucky”
“maybe you can ride the escalators.”
I said, “What?”
“Hey, I am not promising anything”
“but if you are early, maybe you can go once or twice.”
I said, “Escalators?”
“I know, mind-blowing ha?”
I thought he was messing with me.
Until I found out people in Zambia go to the mall
just to ride the escalators.
It seems ridiculous until you understand the back-story.
When we were in Zambia there were only five public escalators.
Five, in the whole country.
The first escalator was built in August.
Not August 19??
No, no. You remember August. Past August?
They built they're first escalators, ever.
Yea, and so now it is all the rage. People go to the Mall just to ride escalators.
But now, I don't want you to picture some dusty village.
That's not what Zambia is, it's a beautiful place.
They are developing just as we are, they have roads.
They got airports, the have beautiful hotels.
Stunning shopping Malls.
They've got everything we got, even faster internet
The have just never had escalators.
And now they started building them.
And because of that people go there, and they just spend a day riding escalators.
Yea, Dads will go home and fetch their children.
“Children, we are going to the Mall.”
“To do what Daddy?”
“To do shopping, and to ride the escalators!”
“Yay!”
We couldn't believe this so we went to the Mall, right.
We get to the Mall. The Mall is empty.
Escalators are packed!
People are standing in lines going around, doubling back on themselves.
There's old people, young people, even couples.
There were couples. Guys that actually picked up woman by saying:
“I am going to take you to the escalator girl.”
“Oh, you are so fancy hey?”
Escalators. Some people didn't even know how to ride the escalators.
Kids were easy, they just jumped on. Old people would panic.
There was one guy who got on the escalator, and it was going up.
And I guess to compensate for something in his mind, as it went up
He started leaning.
He fell down! Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha.
He fell down! Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha.
Oh, it was fantastic to watch.
We spent like three hours doing this, watching people riding escalators.
And you know what? Our patience paid off, because in hour three the most fantastic thing happened.
A school brought a class of children to the Mall.
And their excursion was just to ride the escalators.
It was magic.
Thirty kids, about five years old. Cutest things, they were in their black and white uniforms.
And they are standing there together holding hands.
And they were so excited, they were shining.
Not from excitement, that Vaseline.
And there is two teachers with the children, and they grab their hands on either end.
And as they do the start singing at the top of their lungs like little angels.
“Escalator”
“Escalator”
“Escalator”
“Oh, Oh, Ohhhhhhoh Escalator”
“Escalator”
It was the sweetest thing ever.
People are waving at them, smiling.
And these kids see the escalators.
And they lost, their minds.
These kids went crazy.
They're not holding hands, they start screaming and running around.
It looked like a zombie movie, or something.
They are jumping, but then you see the smiles on their faces.
It's like the end of Saraphina. You are like, “What the hell is going on here?”
These kids are screaming. They are jumping around doing cartwheels.
The teacher can't control them. She's panicking like,
“Hey! Get back! Get Back!”
“Two-by-two! Two-by-two!”
Two-by two was one of the kids, I didn't know.
She's like, “Two-by-Two! Next to me, next to me! Single file, single file!”
Other kids are still jumping, she can't control them.
There was one fat kid. He couldn't jump so he just shook himself.
“Escalator!”
“Escalator!”
It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my life.
It's like I had gone in a time machine
to a time when escalators were new.
Brand new
and popular
So popular...
that people were taking pictures of the escalators
using their iPhones!
Tempiwa, technology eh?
Ah ah ah!
Who even thinks of these things eh?
Can you imagine?
Eh we are in the future now my man!
Mechanical moving stairs ah?
What are we going to see next?
I don't even know, I don't even know!
I wonder how it works, ah!?
Let me just check...
Siri, how does an escalator work?
I don't know
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