and you're watching Disney Channel.

When you are a child,

there's not a whole lot of things that you feel in control of.

Your bedtime, your meals, your clothes, your body.

Other people are always deciding these things for you,

whether it be your

parents or God,

(and Jesus),

and for us elite and superior

BuzzFeed quiz fucking,

"Which Shrek character

are you 90s babies?"

Entertainment was also something that often felt out of our control.

Because when your small-ass town doesn't have an active movie theater,

and your older sister doesn't want to drive you to go rent a movie,

and some other motherfucker already rented the animated Lord of the Rings movie from the library.

(DAMN IT)

There wasn't just a fucking iPad sitting there with Netflix on it that could entertain me for several eternities,

but along with a very worn-out VHS tape of A Goofy Movie that we rented from the

library and did a thing called "never take it back,"

there was something else.

Something specifically catered for kids like me that

understood what I was going through,

and respected my interests and taught me valuable life lessons about

and how my grandma might be a witch!

A little something called...

Or more specifically,

Along with CMT country music videos featuring Billy Gilman,

Disney Channel Original Movies were the things that me and my sisters got really excited for.

The second you saw that kid doing a fat-ass cannon ball into some film reel

and that other kid in the background doing a fucking 360 split jump

You knew you were about to see some girls pretending to be boys

so that they can ride dirt bikes!

And Disney tackled so many genres with these DCOMs.

What you want, drama?

Color of Friendship.

BOOM.

True Confessions.

BOOM.

The Jenny Project.

BOOM.

It's a movie about a chimp doing sign language.

You don't see that every day.

Oh, you want sports?

BOOM.

Johnny Tsunami.

BOOM.

Brink.

BOOM.

Alley Cat Strike.

BOOM.

Double Teamed.

[wait, what]

Maybe you gotta call that one something better.

You want spooky shit?

Well, don't look under the bed!

BOOM.

Under Wraps.

BOOM.

Halloweentown.

BOOM.

Halloweentown II:

Kalabar's Revenge,

BOOM.

Halloweentown III AKA Halloweentown High.

BOOM.

Halloweentown Four,

AKA Return to Halloweentown.

You want sci-fi?

Zedis Lapedis, Margie!

How about Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century,

or it's critically acclaimed sequel,

Zenon: The Zequel,

cause apparently we're just making up words now.

Make sure to subscribe to my second channel,

A Disney Channel Original Movie could vary in genre and quality,

but there were often some pretty consistent ingredients to be found in all of them.

There's always a kid being misunderstood by their parents,

or in the case of Brink's,

Peter, Parrot and Jerry.

"I got a mom...

and a Jerry.

Do the math.

That's one parent."

Yeah, F*** you Jerry!

They're always doing something or experiencing something new,

like moving to a different state,

going to army school,

going to Earth,

becoming a leprechaun.

There's always a little love interest,

like a cool skateboard kid with a broken arm,

or the president's daughter, or

a bi curious dirt bike boy.

There's always a bully,

sometimes they kind of look like Michael Jackson.

There's always an asshole dad

that doesn't approve of whatever the kid is doing,

and a mom that's hot as shit,

also known as a MILF.

Kid overcomes challenge by winning a race,

or slowly spinning a bowling ball,

or sealing away a vampire,

and then they learn a valuable life lesson like

"Damn! I need to follow my heart and do what I want to do regardless of what people think of me!"

Or

"Damn, friendship is way more important than money and fame."

Or

"My mommy can't date a vampire. What are you talking about?"

Dad finally comes around and says some shit like

"We're gonna have a big party at our house this afternoon, and everyone is invited!"

[ROARING APPLAUSE]

Kids dance,

give me a freeze-frame on the dirt bikes, thank you.

And...

scene.

But even if a lot of these movies were very similar,

some really stood out and dealt with some heavy ass stuff.

Like what It's like to grow up with a brother who has autism,

or how you shouldn't be fucking racist,

or how you probably shouldn't let your house

try and be your MOM!

This shit was like fucking Black Mirror for kids long before actual Black Mirror.

You know how in the movie, they talked to the house and use voice commands to make it do stuff?

Hey Alexa, does that sound familiar?

If I ever get a Google Home or Alexa,

I'm just gonna name the smart house.

But a lot of these, in my humble opinion, are quality family films.

I mean, there's a reason I use Horse Sense in the background of like every video I've ever made.

I cherish this shit.

High School Musical is good.

And you know it's good,

and you can BET ON the sequel,

Zequel,

not being as good,

but the third one went to theaters and I feel like that's a sign of growth.

I honestly still haven't seen the third one, so I don't know, but,

new year new me, let's be optimistic, right?

And this isn't just nostalgia talking,

I'm very aware that nostalgia plays a heavy role on this channel,

but seriously, F*** that.

I was watching Johnny Tsunami last night,

by myself,

and I was still laughing with the grandpa.

"You gotta come back for this.

Heeheehee!"

But honestly, I don't know what the fuck Disney is doing now,

other than making every dollar known to man cause they own a Marvel and Capcom.

Because the next decom that's coming out that no one fucking asked for

is a live-action Kim Possible,

which possibly looks like my big toe,

but then Drew Gordon remade it, and it won several Golden Globes

so, I don't know blessing in disguise type of meme, or...

I'm really tired.

And looking at the Wikipedia page for Disney Channel Original Movies made me realize two things:

DCOMs gradually reduced in quality and originality over the years for whatever reason,

I don't really know why.

And Z,

I stopped watching these sometime in 2008 because that's when High School Musical 2 and

Johnny Kapahala: Back on Board both came out

and both of them made me want to jump back on a board

and ride it off of a dam.

And while these early DCOMs were the primary source of entertainment as a kid

that I felt were actually catered to me

and understood me

and gave me an amazing feeling of anticipation and excitement

anytime a new one premiered.

That's not just a nostalgic feeling because I still feel that.

But it's for YouTube.

Yes, there's like 10 katrillion Hurricane Katrina amount of issues with the platform right now

and my nearly 40 minute video on Red Dead 2 that I worked my ass off on for like two months

was copyright claimed for

LITERALLY four seconds of George Michael - Careless Whisper playing in the background,

which I guess that's on me,

it was - it was copyright claimed

and that - all of that really pisses me off

but still,

This website is amazing.

Every new channel that I find is like a hundred Disney Channel Original Movies in one.

Watching the premiere of Phantom of the Megaplex

is the same feeling I get when a new Content Cop comes out.

Halloweentown?

That's just Markiplier playing Five Nights.

The Cheetah Girls?

That's just commentary channels cause I feel like they're all friends with each other.

Even my Philly D, beautiful bastard, was just Mike in a Super Short Show.

I think you get what I mean.

So what's the point of this video?

The point is new year, new me.

I'm gonna appreciate the fuck out of things.

I'm gonna be happier,

I'm gonna finish a bunch of fucking songs,

and I'm gonna do things that I've been meaning to do for a long time,

starting with making a video about Disney Channel Original Movies.

So there's your point.

I want to be like a Disney Channel Original Movie.

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