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  • - We're back. Welcome to Keith. Kelsey's here.

  • Today we're playing The Sims again.

  • I'm making myself, finally.

  • Wow, I never even think about ... I'm making myself.

  • You know, everyday in life you're making yourself,

  • but today I'm like actually making myself

  • into the man I wanna be.

  • (funky pop music)

  • - This our town now?

  • - Yeah, this is where you live now.

  • - I don't live in the desert anymore.

  • - No.

  • - Hey, look. It's Eugene, everybody.

  • Hey look, everybody. Breathe it in.

  • People probably made me on the internet, right?

  • - Yeah. - Let's browse. There's one.

  • - That's you!

  • - There's one. I am the fifth most popular

  • Keith on the Sims. Three. Four. Five. Six.

  • Tasmaklejaca1. Rolls off the tongue.

  • This is good. It's the exact stubble I have right now.

  • The winner of the Keith contest that was not started

  • officially until now is Tasmaklejaca1.

  • Congratulations. You will be getting a free

  • shirt in the mail courtesy of Kelsey Impicciche.

  • She can't wait to send it to you.

  • She loves sending gifts to my fans.

  • Let's tear this face apart.

  • We need big lips. Perfect.

  • I wish I was a Kardashian. They seem to have it all.

  • Here's the thing about my chin.

  • This side goes lower than this side.

  • - Wait, yeah.

  • - People aren't perfect. Not even me.

  • - Why is this, the bottom of his face, red

  • like he's been rubbing paper towels on his jaw?

  • Ooh, he got way sexier after he got

  • that paper towel rash out of there.

  • - I want my lips to be bigger. Bigger. Bigger.

  • - Yeah.

  • (Keith laughing)

  • - Let's put some glasses on this guy.

  • I think that's what's messing us up here.

  • I think we need just a framework.

  • (Kelsey laughing)

  • - This guy is so hot.

  • I have beautiful, hazel eyes.

  • Yeah, like that.

  • Let's make them bigger and wider.

  • They need to be bigger. A little too big.

  • A little to anime there.

  • Oh my God, he's so beautiful.

  • This is not me, but his guy is hot.

  • My face is longer than this. Dragging the face down.

  • Still too hot for me.

  • (Kelsey laughing)

  • (Keith grunting) - Oh, there you go

  • - Actually, that helped. Let's put the glasses back on.

  • - It almost looks like your College Humor counter ego.

  • - It does look like Grant. You know why?

  • He's not smiling. 'Cause you don't see my face.

  • (Kelsey laughing) - Done.

  • - Ol' skinny head Habersberger.

  • (Keith screaming)

  • - How do people do this?

  • - From the picture. We have you literally right here.

  • - No. No. We never used the picture. Oh, the neck.

  • (Keith breathing)

  • - Change your eyebrows.

  • - Into what? - More streaky.

  • - Yeah. They're like that.

  • - Like this? - Yeah.

  • - Like this? (Kelsey laughs)

  • - Like this? - Yeah.

  • - Oh this is the worst one I've made.

  • Why is it so hard? Is it because

  • his beauty can't be captured in digital form?

  • - Your forehead's not that big.

  • The ratio to forehead to chin is about similar.

  • It's not like this. You're making your head

  • like more triangle and it's more like an oval.

  • - Here, you draw it. You do it.

  • I'm having a crisis now because my face is

  • so weird looking it can't be recreated digitally. Okay.

  • - All done. I'm figuring it out.

  • (Keith humming)

  • - Making a Keith in The Sims.

  • - Making his face look normal

  • 'cause it doesn't look normal right now.

  • Oh my God. Looks different than it did.

  • - You hate it.

  • - Well the eyebrows are wrong. How do you make a Keith?

  • How do you make a Habersberger?

  • It's one of the great questions in life.

  • - You know when people put - I'm making it worse.

  • - Mouths onto photos and then the mouths talk?

  • That's the way that mouth looks on my face right now.

  • - You put that mouth on your face.

  • - You changed my face. You gotta build around the mouth.

  • And those eyebrows are too little.

  • I got big 'ol brows. Look at the size of these brows.

  • I pull out hair sometimes that are 16 inches long.

  • Right out of my eyebrows. It's like one long thread

  • that's been woven through my face.

  • Like when you pull a string on a sweater.

  • Whole eyebrow unravels.

  • Kelsey, thicken those eyebrows.

  • They need to be thick, baby. Not that thick.

  • Closer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They start a little higher.

  • - Yeah.

  • - They've got an inquisitive nature about them.

  • - Okay. Your eye shape's a little rounder than his.

  • - Aww, I like it. - It's getting worse.

  • - Now put glasses on him.

  • - Okay.

  • - I think this is gonna be great.

  • - Sure. We did it everybody. - I'm sorry.

  • - He's perfect. Now let's change his body around.

  • - Ow, hot.

  • - Fit Keith.

  • - Let's be honest. I do not have this skinny of a tummy.

  • I'm like a rectangle.

  • (laughing)

  • - Look at these feeble, little giraffe legs.

  • - They kinda look like peg legs.

  • - I actually have some fucking big calves.

  • Look at these. Look at these. Look at these calf muscles.

  • They're huge. You can barely ...

  • Sometime my pants get stuck on my calves.

  • Oh this guy's looking pretty good.

  • I wear jeans now, but I used to never wear jeans.

  • I liked wearing cargo pants. Those pants are terrible.

  • There it is. Wow. Wow. Hey!

  • Hey! It looks like me. Oh wow! Look at me.

  • It looks too short. How do I make him taller? It's just-

  • - Unfortunately, in the Sims,

  • they don't let you change their height.

  • (Keith sighs) - Whatever

  • - This is Keith Habersberger.

  • This is a typical, everyday look.

  • Blue squares. Hanging out. Not fit. Not fat.

  • Somewhere in the middle.

  • Hey, he looks good. A little formal.

  • Maybe I got a meeting, huh? Maybe I need to

  • pitch some more fried chicken series

  • and get the company to pay for my eating habits.

  • Now let's go sports. Jeez, I sure don't play sports.

  • Is this what people wear? Great.

  • Let's move to night time. Sleepy time.

  • I sleep like Eugene. Only in my underwear.

  • All the Try Guys, except for Ned,

  • sleep only in their underwear.

  • Ned wears an undershirt.

  • Great. Oh, but wait. I can't nap now.

  • I gotta go to a party so I'll dress totally fine.

  • Turns out it's a pool party. Let's rip up some hides.

  • I am food.

  • - You're not a friend to the world or a comedy star?

  • - Oh maybe I am a comedy star.

  • - I'm a Joke Star, but also I feel like

  • I'm a Friend of the World.

  • Do you think I'm a Friend of the World?

  • And then maybe I'll be a Goofball.

  • (Avatar speaking Simlish) (Keith laughing)

  • - That's a good impression of me.

  • I am a Foodie and let's do ...

  • (Keith clicking tongue)

  • Good. Time to move into our house.

  • Put some clothes on, Eugene.

  • Let's check everyone's status.

  • Eugene is fine. Ned is uncomfortable as always.

  • Zach is at school feeling energized.

  • And Keith is also feeling energized.

  • Happy to be home. Happy to talk to his friends.

  • I'm gonna give Eugene a little pep talk.

  • I know that Eugene is always a little morose.

  • And where am I?

  • - You're on the computer.

  • - Oh my God. This is so meta.

  • (Kelsey laughing) - What do you think I'm doing?

  • - You're playing Sims.

  • - Look at my face.

  • Probably making a way hotter version of myself.

  • Go see Eugene. Oh look at all my (bleep) ideas.

  • God, I'm brilliant. Good morning, world.

  • It is I, Keith, just encouraging my friends.

  • Hey Ned. Hey Eugene. What's going on bud?

  • Ha, ha. Good to see you. We're friends.

  • Oh look at this long shot. It's like we're

  • spying on our neighbors.

  • What it would look like if we were our neighbors.

  • What are they doing over there?

  • Kelsey, don't be too loud. They might see us.

  • What do you think they're doing over there?

  • - Well one of them is naked.

  • - That (bleep) Yang family is ruining the neighborhood.

  • They moved in here with this big, obnoxious house.

  • I'm gonna sneak up on them.

  • (Mischievous mystery music) (Avatars speaking Simlish)

  • - Oh my God. They're having a great time.

  • - It looks like you have a ring on.

  • - Oh, how did it know? Bye, Eugene. I helped you.

  • - You're the only married Try Guy in the house.

  • - Oh my God. I'm the married one?

  • - My wife. My wife. My wife. My wife.

  • Ned. Let's go cheer up Ned.

  • The house has been super dysfunctional all this time

  • and we've never understood why.

  • It's because I was never there.

  • I'm the missing link. I'm that little piece

  • of peace that everyone needs in their life.

  • - And it's not because you don't know how to play Sims.

  • - No. No, no, no, no. It's because Keith wasn't there.

  • Where did Eugene go? Do we have a backyard?

  • Oh, shit. Eugene! Go swimming. Skinny dip with me.

  • Ned's talking about garbage.

  • God, they just never stop, do they?

  • That, is that? Come home. When do-

  • Where does he get the nerve to go educate himself?

  • Not in my house. How do I? How does he come home?

  • Leave school early. Come home. I need you here.

  • Look at me. I am naked in the pool.

  • Eugene is naked grilling. Boy, are we having a good time.

  • Wow. Keith comes in the house and suddenly it is a party.

  • We got our dicks out all over the place.

  • Eugene, no. What are you serving?

  • Are you serving sausages?

  • Hey, Zach's home and he's uncomfortable.

  • He saw Eugene naked. What would Zach do?

  • He would throw a tantrum because he does not like to see

  • grown-up, naked men at his dinner table.

  • Eugene did put on some clothes which is nice.

  • Here comes Keith totally naked.

  • And he's just sitting down naked having some food.

  • (Keith laughing)

  • All right, Keith. Great work.

  • Let's have Keith talk to Zach. Make him feel better.

  • - Oh, no.

  • - Zach's making a (bleep) mess.

  • Can I adopt Zach? I'm adopting Zach.

  • Right off the bat. He's my responsibility now.

  • Is that all it takes? Any paperwork?

  • Do I need to wait three to six months?

  • - He's your dependent now.

  • - Zach, clean up this mess.

  • No son of mine is gonna ruin our new carpet.

  • - Oh, he's cleaning up - Ned's cleaning up

  • - Ned's got it. Thanks, Bro. Where is Keith?

  • Keith. Keith. What am I doing?

  • I never knew how much responsibility

  • it would be to have a son.

  • Zach, go pee. You clearly have to pee.

  • Oh, no. Last recess, no one wanted to play with me.

  • I just climbed around on my own.

  • If that happens again, what should I do?

  • I don't want him to ask other kids if he can join them.

  • I want him to come home and play with me.

  • Play with his cool dad. All right.

  • I'm gonna tell him to do this.

  • I'm increasing his conflict resolution

  • and his emotional control decreases.

  • I didn't mean to do that. That was my only option.

  • I want him to have a great emotional control.

  • - Then we gotta teach it to him.

  • - Okay, Zach needs to pee bad.

  • Luckily there's a bathroom right here.

  • You know why? 'Cause houses need bathrooms on every floor.

  • Am I in Zach's room?

  • - Zach? - You're getting a book.

  • - Zach, read this Bible. You're gonna be Christian now.

  • No more Judaism for you, young one.

  • You're gonna learn about Jesus with me as your father.

  • Where are our doggies and kitties at? Are they here?

  • - No. They got adopted by another family,

  • but you can bring them back if you want.

  • - Oh some family just came in my house

  • and took my pets? Wow.

  • - We did that on purpose because you said it was too much

  • so I adopted them out while you've been gone.

  • - Would they have died or something?

  • They're just digital pets. They're not real.

  • - I was connected to them, Keith.

  • I needed them to have a happy family.

  • - Can we just bring Chloe back in?

  • - We can apparently invite the dog to hang out on your lot.

  • - So ... - Come on over, Bowie.

  • - And where is Ned? He's feeling energized.

  • Ned's feeling good. What's Ned doing?

  • Ned is not allowed to play The Sims.

  • No. Stop. Stop it. Go talk to Eugene.

  • Where's Eugene? Wow, I can never keep tabs on my boys.

  • Discuss your interest with Eugene.

  • And I'm eating. Am I eating fried chicken? No.

  • Hey! A dog is here.

  • - Aww. - Aww.

  • - Puppy. - Zach, go pet the doggy.

  • - Pet boy. (Avatar speaking Simlish)

  • - No, that's a dog. Not a dag.

  • Hey, I'm playing with the dag.

  • I'm thinking about food and love

  • and playing with the dag. Hi, dag.

  • And Zach. Oh, my. Zach! Zach, are you serious?

  • Can you please? My God. Zach! Where are you?

  • Wake him up. And yell at him about the floor.

  • Hey, Zach. Wake up. Look. Here's the thing.

  • You're getting paint everywhere. It's kind of nuts.

  • Ned, get out of here. This is a dad moment.

  • Please, Ned. Go find a bench.

  • Ned, don't talk about yourself.

  • I'm trying to teach my son about how to be a better son.

  • My gosh, Ned. Ned's just so eager to be a dad.

  • Look at him. Look at this face.

  • Aww, he's so excited about the opportunity. Look at him.

  • Now I wanna teach Zach. That's my objective.

  • It's to make Zach a better boy.

  • I'm gonna encourage. Learn. I'm gonna say

  • please and thank you, Zach.

  • When you need something, say please.

  • When you're done with something, say thank you.

  • Aww, look at us (bleep) bonding.

  • Whoa. We got something else going on.

  • (Sexy music)

  • I can't. I'm behind the door. Yeah. Look at Eugene go.

  • Having fun, Eugene? Cleaning up? Cleaning up?

  • This is the second time Eugene's been naked

  • in this video so far. Whew.

  • You bring Keith in the house ...

  • Good times banana.

  • - Hey, you're parenting level two, Keith.

  • - I'm a level two dad?

  • - Wow. - Whoa.

  • - My fortitude and constitution have gone up one.

  • Look at that fucking confident ass boy.

  • God, there's a bar here? Eugene. Where's Eugene at?

  • - Maybe you guys should throw a party

  • and invite all of Ned's love interests.

  • - Oh shit. Let's find Ned a wife.

  • - We're gonna have a house party.

  • - Yeah. All of them.

  • - We're all hosts except Zach.

  • Invite Lilith Vatore.

  • - Wait. What happened to the rest of

  • the people that you guys know?

  • - Where are our friends? Don't we know anyone?

  • - What happened to the old lady?

  • - Well I guess we're just inviting Lilith.

  • - And Zach. Just hire some people

  • then more people will come.

  • - How much is this gonna cost me?

  • - Who cares? - A couple of those.

  • - Money is but an object when you have cheat codes.

  • - Just like life.

  • All right, Lilith. Get ready to be overwhelmed

  • because it's only us. Hey, the bartender is here.

  • Eugene, come and get your fix.

  • Order your favorite drink, Eugene.

  • You can have anything you want.

  • Keith is getting some stuff ready with the cook.

  • Let's find Ned here. Ned. No. Ned, what are you doing?

  • - What? - He's sitting alone drinking.

  • - You're sitting, drinking milk upstairs,

  • facing the wall in Zach's room.

  • Ned, what's wrong? Ned is so sad in this reality.

  • He just really wants a son.

  • What is he doing in here?

  • We're hosting a party, Bro.

  • I gotta find a woman for him to talk to.

  • - Where's Lilith?

  • - Yeah, where the (bleep) is our guest?

  • - Aww, this party (bleep) sucks.

  • Maybe everybody should skinny dip? Skinny dip.

  • Ned and Abram and Keith. Pool party.

  • Because nobody's at the party.

  • Lilith didn't come. Oh, God.

  • I thought we were gonna have a nice party,

  • but nobody came.

  • - I guess you guys all need to make more friends.

  • - And I only told Ned to get naked.

  • So only Ned is naked in the pool.

  • Zach, get in the pool with the guys.

  • - Uh-oh, he's being irresponsible.

  • Now's your parenting moment, Keith.

  • - Zach, oh shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

  • To parenting, parenting, parenting.

  • Go, go, go. Parenting. Discipline. Strict.

  • Yell. Zach, stop. You're getting paint everywhere.

  • Where am I? Discipline. I'm disciplining from the pool.

  • Zach. You just can't keep doing this.

  • Are you trying to get attention?

  • What's going on, Zach? Just be honest.

  • - You just taught him a lesson in responsibility.

  • - I'm gonna tell Zach to go to bed.

  • He's been a bad boy. Go to bed. Go to bed, Zach.

  • You don't get to hang out at the party.

  • What's this woman doing on my computer?

  • Hey, I hired you to cook. Excuse me?

  • Ma'am. Ma'am. You are a shitty cook.

  • Zach, you are not in bed. This is a couch.

  • - Who is that?

  • - Who is this?

  • - Oh, that's the bartender.

  • - I did ask the bartender to go swimming. He has an excuse.

  • Get these people out of my house.

  • Keith, discipline Zach. Put him to bed.

  • Tell that woman to go. You gotta get out of here.

  • You were playing Tetris. Everybody saw it.

  • Get out of my house.

  • Is this Ned? Ned's looking good.

  • Why is he still so lonely?

  • Yeah, alright, Ned. Put on a show.

  • Maybe we should get Ned a job as a sexy bartender.

  • That's what he needs. He doesn't have a purpose.

  • What would Ned wanna do if Ned ...

  • Couldn't ... He is a chemist.

  • Maybe he should be a scientist.

  • Maybe he'll meet a beautiful science woman.

  • - There's a woman there.

  • - Oh. - Who is that?

  • - Who are you? Wait, wait, wait, wait.

  • Ned. Ned. Ned. Chase her.

  • Now let's see if he can handle this one.

  • - She's pretty.

  • - She's beautiful.

  • - Her name is Penny Pizzazz.

  • - I've been really forward with Ned.

  • I'm gonna be a little less forward. Give pep talk.

  • Her voice is so pleasant. Oh my gosh.

  • Ned has level two charisma. I'm a level two parent.

  • Zach has got some manners. And Eugene.

  • All we need to do is give Eugene one more trait

  • and we're (bleep) crushin' this day.

  • He's sleeping. He's almost a level two mischief.

  • Let's just mess with somebody on the street.

  • There's always people outside.

  • Come on. Where? Where are they?

  • There're always people walking around.

  • - Well it is like 4 am.

  • - Yahoo. Hello. You know, we're blessed really,

  • to live in such a nice home.

  • Never mind, it's just the "Family Matters" theme song.

  • (Keith scats "Family Matters" theme song)

  • - What! There's vampires here. - Oh, shit.

  • - There's a vampire here. - He's visiting.

  • - Eugene, I think there's a vampire here. Invite him in.

  • How close. Look at this guy. My God.

  • Come on in. Aww, he's making friends.

  • Now let's be rude. Yeah, let's keep being rude.

  • Mark has thirst for plasma. You're so weak.

  • You need to steal my life to live, you loser.

  • You're a piece of garbage. Bye, lady.

  • - Wait, that girl's back.

  • She went home and changed and came back.

  • - Alright, Ned. Take two. Pick up line.

  • (Keith snapping fingers)

  • Come on, Ned! Whoo. Let's fall in love.

  • Ned is still hanging out in this speedo.

  • I love this newfound confidence from Ned.

  • - She's inviting Ned to a party.

  • - Oh, shit.

  • - Lilith did show and now she's inviting us to a party.

  • - Oh, shit. Accept. Okay. You're going on your own.

  • Fucking Ned got invited to a party.

  • This is thrilling. What could possibly happen next?

  • Who knows. You'll have to tune in next time

  • when we pick this up with Ned going to a party.

  • Oh my God. He's gonna fall in love.

  • Zach is finally growing into the teenager

  • he was always destined to be.

  • Eugene is becoming a little more mischievous

  • and yet a little more relatable.

  • Myself, Keith, is perfect in every way

  • and is making everyone happier.

  • And of course, well that's all of us, huh?

  • (Keith and Kelsey laughing)

  • Tune in next time for when we allow Ned

  • to finally, maybe fall in love

  • and I start killing the other guys.

  • Right? 'Cause that's something you do in The Sims.

  • Right? You just kill them?

  • - You can.

  • - Oh, I sure can. Who's gonna die?

  • - Let us know in the comments below.

  • - Bye.

  • (Bouncy music)

- We're back. Welcome to Keith. Kelsey's here.

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