Catching Up On A Month Of Our Collective Hellworld - SOME MORE NEWS

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(intense dramatic music)
Why, hey there!
Who's some news?
Is it you?
Are you the some news?
You're a very some news, yes you are.
I hope you're as excited as I am right now because today,
we're going to catch up on the month of July
in a segment I'm calling
"All Of The Things That Happened: July 2019 Edition".
It's objectively true that things happened in July,
a month that we at Cody's Shody were on vacation during.
While I recharged and explored the world
and gained a happier outlook on life,
perhaps in some easy-to-digest
but emotionally complex coming of age-style adventure,
I also had someone write down all the things that happened
on these papers I'm currently holding
that definitely have things written on them.
So let us watch as I read those things aloud
and react to them for the first time,
having not rehearsed this previously.
It's a segment within this segment
that I call You Watch Me Read News.
(intense music)
Let's start light,
like how the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo in Colorado
welcomed a baby giraffe into the world.
And in related news, police in Clay County, Missouri
apprehended a suspect after he gave away his hiding spot
with a loud fart.
Not sure how these things are related,
but we're gonna push past it..
Okay, okay.
Looks like they found a new bird-like dinosaur,
but I'm sorry, who really gives a (bleeps)
about some angry chicken bones?
Do we have any news about awesome birds who are alive
and not dead loser birds?
Okay, this vacation did not help with my anger.
All right, okay.
In Buckinghamshire upon England,
a wildlife hospital received a bright orange bird
believed at first to be exotic but after closer inspection
turned out to be a seagull covered in curry.
And while that seagull
is definitely awesome by human standards,
in the bird world, it's just another day in the life
as evidenced by this 2016 article
about a completely different seagull
also found covered in curry.
(sighs) All right.
In other sex-related news,
boy, these transitions are jarring!
A famous gamer Instagram model briefly became viral
after selling her own bathwater for $30 a jar
only to spawn a whole micro-industry
of other YouTube weirdos
doing weirdo things to that bathwater,
as well as a controversy about whether or not
it was really her bathwater
and then a bunch of rumors,
and the general hate the internet hurls at women.
Very little of this news seems to involve
the much more interesting debate
about this young lady's relationship
to the sex worker community,
specifically how she's managed
to make what is normally seen as fetishistic
somehow a mainstream idea
while having little association with sex workers
and has even been accused
of stealing other model's nude photos to use as her own.
But whatever, we've already forgotten about this story
so let's keep going.
Big developments in the war of cats, of cats, not on cats,
as researcher Laura Knoll of the University of Wisconsin
has discovered a way to study the cat-(bleeps)
toxoplasma gondii parasite in lab rats.
All previous methods solely involved
the inhumane experimenting on cats.
This means we can perhaps find a cure to the parasite
that you yourself right now probably have,
but by murdering rats instead of cats.
Meanwhile, New York State
has just banned the declawing of cats
so overall, just a real bad month for news-savvy rodents.
And so naturally,
that brings us to the subject of Nazis for some reason,
specifically, these very stupid and young Nazis
who spray-painted a bunch of Nazi pictures on their school.
According to the young Nazis,
a problem America just has now,
the act of vandalism started as a harmless school prank
before evolving into one of those Nazi hate crimes
that just sort of happen sometimes.
Anyway, they were caught when the school WiFi
connected to their phones via their student IDs,
which not feeling great on the privacy implications of that
but they've since been sentenced to weekends in jail
which is a form of intermittent sentencing
and not the logical sequel to Weekend At Bernies.
Ha!
Nazis sure are a problem and it's fun!
All right, we're really warmed up now
that we've got some Nazi talk going.
We should probably check on a few updates
to previous Some More News news.
Here's some updating of previous news.
Disney's Marvel's Avengers: Endgame
is now the number one highest grossing movie in the world,
having surpassed Disney's Avatar this month.
That makes Avatar, by Disney, number two bestest movie,
while number three goes to Titanic,
a movie released overseas by Disney,
followed by Disney's Lucasfilm's
Star Wars: The Force Awakens by Disney,
and then Disney's Marvel's Avengers: Infinity War
which is a film by Disney.
Congratulations to all the many people
who made Disney's dream possible.
Good job!
And hey, after unfathomable billions
made from 23 films over the last decade,
they're finally going to allow LGBTQ characters to exist.
Don't get me wrong,
it's fantastic that the biggest film franchise in the world
is actually going to have some diversity in it
but if a car company went a decade
before adding seat belts to their product,
we wouldn't praise them, would we?
But rather, we would demand to know
why it took so long for them to do it
considering how much responsibility they have,
and also money.
Also, curious what it says about us
that the most popular thing in America
has been mostly-homogeneous tales
of unbeatable costumes having violent
and often-personal squabbles over the huddled masses
while generally causing more problems for the world
than they solve, but whatever!
Congratulations to our media emperor.
Way to make photorealistic lions sing
so we can guess their emotions,
you overbearing corporate monsters.
More updates!
Remember when we did a video about robocalls?
Well, it looks like AT&T,
clearly having seen our video specifically
and only ours and not anyone else's,
is becoming the first major wireless company
to automatically block spam calls.
Good job, us.
(audience cheers and claps)
(clears throat) Also, remember when we pointed out
that Tucker Carlson is a racist?
Well, that's still true.
- Ilhan Omar is living proof
that the way we practice immigration
has become dangerous to this country.
A system designed to strengthen America
is instead undermining it.
- Cool!
Also, real recently after spending years
fear-mongering about invasions of immigrants
invading the country and changing our demographics
and spouting white nationalist talking points
and being regularly praised by neo-Nazis for it,
well, a guy did a terrorism about an invasion of immigrants
and the next day, Tucker was like,
White Supremacy is a hoax, and now he's on vacation.
So maybe he should stay there!
Anyway, other things I was right about,
Ben Shapiro super sucks and is still stupid and a liar
and continues to be hilarious.
- When it comes to the seduction of women.
- (snaps fingers) One more time.
- When it comes to the seduction of women.
- Anyway, then there was that Mueller thing.
Remember how that was a thing?
- Well, the finding indicates
that the President not exculpated
for the acts that he allegedly committed.
- Could you charge the president with a crime
after he left office?
- Yes.
- You could charge the President of The United States
with obstruction of justice after he left office?
- Yes.
- Mm, sounds like the President is not not guilty,
and perhaps guilty.
You know how the report already said that months ago?
As an aside, it's always important to exculpate your skin
every morning to give yourself that fresh, no guilt look.
Ha!
The president did crimes and it's fun!
We're having a great time.
Of course, that's just the take of me,
a Libby social Marxist who hates all of America.
According to Republicans at the hearing, the true story
was how hard they (bleeps) Mueller in the ear
by exposing the FBI's clear bias toward Trump
and unwillingness to point fingers at Christopher Steele
and his totally bogus dossier
that has been proven completely bogus.
- When people associated with Trump lied,
you threw the book at him.
When Christopher Steele lied, nothing.
And so it seems to be that
when Simpson met with Russians, nothing,
when the Trump campaign met with Russians, 3,500 words,
and maybe the reason why there are these discrepancies
in which you focused on because the team is so biased--
- [Man] Only the gentleman is expired.
- Pledged the logistics, pledged to stop Trump.
- Of course, this is all the subject of the Horowitz probe
into the bias of the FBI, which was recently extended
because the investigators found
the bogus dossier to be, quote, sufficiently credible.
So just to recap, at a hearing about the president
potentially committing up to 10 acts
of obstruction of justice,
a thing presidents can be impeached for
unless they resign first, well, at that hearing,
GOP Congressfellow Matt Gaetz
decided to wonder why they're there,
and labeled the Steele dossier an uncorroborated document
that does have a few proven allegations
but also didn't start the Mueller investigation as bogus
without that actually being true,
and they're now grilling Mueller
as to why he didn't also pretend
this thing they are pretending.
And then Congressman Matt Gaetz was like,
I did it, I did the right thing.
Okay, so we're warmed up.
We're a little angry now.
We're ready to plunge head-first into hell
and move to a sub-segment within the segment
that's within this segment called
You Watch Me Read News That Is Bad News To Read.
Oh, hey, look.
For the first time in two decades,
after growing unpopularity due to racial disparities,
a global decrease
and just overall higher moral standards being against it,
the Justice Department has decided
to resume federal executions under a president who,
aside from all the other stuff I could mention
about his casual relationship with violence and cruelty,
and the time he spent money
to call for the execution of five young black men
for a crime they did not commit,
well, he's also called for public executions in the past,
for all of us to see.
Cool thing we should all see, man.
Anyway, the people the president wanted
to show everybody being killed was the Boston Bombers.
He has not mentioned public executions since,
and I don't wonder what has changed.
Oh, and this just in: ICE sucks!
After our Crime President Trump
announced a large-scale operation
to detain thousands of migrants in July,
the final tally came to just 35,
in part because many advocacy groups
and undocumented immigrants
were warned of the specific time of the raid
ahead of time by our president.
And I guess good that the president is dumb,
in this specific case?
While not everyone was lucky to avoid being hauled off,
in front of their own children, by America,
there were at least some stories
about neighborhoods banding together
to tell ICE to suck a big wad of it.
Lucky our president, and ICE, is mostly bad at their job.
Lucky, unless we're this guy, a Dallas-born citizen
who has been detained by Border Patrol for over three weeks
despite him being a Dallas-born citizen,
and despite his mother providing a birth certificate
for the Dallas-born citizen
who was detained for some reason.
When finally released, the 18-year-old
had lost a total of 26 pounds
and said conditions were so bad
that he considered self-deportation to avoid it.
But hey, I'm sure it's just one glaring mistake
by an otherwise spotless agency
except for the sexual assaults
and a secret Facebook group of Border Patrol agents
that shared rape memes of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
and joked about migrant deaths.
That latter thing being something that happens
to children on a toilet of the flu
while detained by border patrol,
and other children for other reasons,
so, just perfectly normal behavior
from a federal law enforcement agency
specifically tasked with handling immigrants at the border.
And then, just extremely recently,
there was another raid on more than 600 immigrants,
separating many from their children in realtime,
giving us videos like this
shared by many appalled, surprised people
who also helps to normalize
the act of traumatizing children
for the purposes of deterring immigration.
Speaking of horrible things ICE is doing,
the world is slowly dying because of climate change.
And I'm sure you're just delighted to hear about that.
Along with this July being the hottest month ever recorded,
Alaska hit a record-breaking 90 degrees in Anchorage,
oh, and also, the Arctic Circle caught fire
and scientists are (grunts) concerned,
on account of all the metaphors
and omens popping up in reality.
Because while that is apparently
a thing that sometimes happens,
it's the biggest and most northern
these fires has ever been.
If the world was slowly dying,
it would probably look like this.
But at least everyone in Congress will get to ignore it
from their cool new boat city in a few years' time.
Also, and I know this is somewhat unrelated,
but the ground tried to kill everyone in California.
And I didn't like it.
(dramatic music)
Speaking of things I don't like, things I do like!
Several officials in Puerto Rico were arrested
for funneling $15.5 million in federal contracts
to politically connected consultants.
And speaking of things I do like, things I really like,
hundreds of thousands of Puerto Rican citizens
responded to the corruption as well as the recession
and the mismanagement of the recent hurricane
and specifically leaked disgusting text messages
between the Governor, top officials, and lobbyists,
by taking to the streets.
The protests, featuring Ricky Martin
and other Puerto Rican celebrities,
and again, hundreds of thousands of other human beings,
even led the governor Ricardo Rossello to resign.
If enough people take to the streets,
a government will take massive corruption seriously,
but only in this one situation.
(dramatic music)
Who else sucks?
Oh, right!
There's Robert Foster,
the Mississippi gubernatorial candidate
who is refusing to do interviews with female reporters
without other men in the room, citing the Billy Graham rule,
named after an American evangelist
who refused to be alone with women in the 1950s.
You might also recognize this as the Mike Pence Rule.
Also, you might recognize this as a civil rights violation.
Also, also, you might recognize this
as something we really shouldn't have to deal with
in this century.
And perhaps, I don't know,
we shouldn't elect people this ideologically behind
the same way we wouldn't elect someone
who only traveled via stagecoach or a really racist person.
Who would want to elect a really racist person?
On the subject of obvious sex criminals, Jeffery Epstein,
a guy who partied with presidents Trump and Clinton,
was arrested for sex trafficking
before attempting suicide via Killary's death squads.
And then put on suicide watch,
and then taken off suicide watch,
and the morning we're filming this, this morning,
he was found dead by suicide,
which is odd that the billionaire pedophile
and child sex trafficker
who has implicated many other powerful wealthy figures
in his child sex trafficking is now unable
to both give some semblance of justice to his many victims,
and unable for the many wealthy elite child-(bleeps)
that were involved with Epstein, to face justice.
And while we're certainly going
to talk about this in future videos
because it just happened a few hours ago,
let's get to what we were already going to say.
One of the more shocking aspects of this
before he died from suicide is how many people,
up until this moment,
attempted to protect Epstein from these charges.
This includes Trump's Labor Secretary Alexander Acosta,
who once cut a plea deal with Epstein
to get him only 13 months in county jail
for (bleeps) sex crimes involving children.
According to Bill Clinton,
a man who praised and traveled with Epstein,
he knows nothing about the sex crimes.
Also, a person who knows nothing is Donald Trump,
our president now, who's currently the president now,
seen here grabbing at women
during a party with Jeffery Epstein,
a sex criminal that he has partied with multiple times
and made note out loud about how aware he was
that Jeff Epstein liked 'em real young,
the president who knows nothing
despite some of Epstein's underage girls
being recruited at his favorite place,
that he owns, Mar-A-Lago.
Is there someone who can properly
and succinctly explain the gravity of this scandal?
- It's obviously gonna implicate a lot of people.
I can't tell you who but it's not gonna end up,
which is Jeffrey Epstein-- - What do we know?
- Yes, thank you, Mr. Giuliani, lawyer for the president,
that guy who spent a lot of time
hanging out with Jeffery Epstein, who is a sex trafficker,
at parties with a lot of young women.
Mr. Giuliani, seen here sitting in front of the president
while the president asks where he is.
So I guess we're going
to keep talking about a president now
and we might as well make a new segment
within the sub-segment within the segment
that's within this segment, and call it,
You Watch Me Read News That Is Bad News To Read
Because It Is About Donald Trump.
Hey, everyone, the president is bad.
It's a bad president.
And before some of the darker stuff,
remember when he said he definitely will
share his tax returns if he ever ran for president?
- If I decide to run for office,
I'll produce my tax returns, absolutely.
- Then when he ran for president
he said he maybe would share his tax returns?
- Getting any closer to releasing your tax returns?
- Well, I'm thinking about it.
I'm thinking about maybe.
- Then he became president and was like,
well, no one cares about my tax returns, so why share them?
- Well, I'm not releasing the tax returns
'cause as you know, they're under order.
- [Woman] But every president does.
Since the '70s, has had to require an audit from the IRS.
- Oh gee, I've never heard of that.
- [Woman] The last six have released them,
but as president, sir--
- Oh, gee, I've never heard of that.
The only one that cares
about my tax returns are the reporters.
- And now, still as president, he's like,
if you look at my tax returns, I will (bleeps) sue you.
Because he's exactly the kind of liar
most of us already knew he was and some of us seem
to pretend he's not, for, I don't know, reasons.
Anyway, that sure seems like a person
whose tax returns we should definitely look at.
But anyway, some more law stuff news-wise
includes that recent time the U.S Appeals Court
ruled that Trump violated the First Amendment
by blocking followers on Twitter
but also ordered the dismissal of a lawsuit
that claimed he violated the Constitution
by gaining profits through his hotels.
So it's sort of a wash in terms of justice this last month.
But speaking of a wash,
the president's extremely expensive 4th of July event
was rained out as in a literal rain on his parade.
Boom, roasted, Mr. President.
Man, getting away with crimes is you.
I got you good,
you person who somehow getting away with open racism
at your shockingly fascist campaign rallies.
I got you good.
- Omar has a history
of launching vicious, anti-Semitic screens.
- [Crowd] Send her back!
Send her back! Send her back!
Send her back! Send her back!
Send her back! Send her back!
- Now, look, we can go over Trump's response
or fact-check his obvious lie
about how he told the crowd to stop,
or compare this clip
with the one from John McCain's campaign.
We can do all of that.
But in the end, this is just open and blatant racism
that would have never been tolerated years ago
and is now going to embolden a bunch of horrible people
with blind jingoism.
And what's so frustrating about it
is that Trump is and always has been
so obviously racist and dumb
that we shouldn't even have to discuss it.
We shouldn't have to see clips like this.
- All this happened to me.
They killed my mom, my six brothers,
they left behind them, then--
- Where are they now?
- They killed them.
They are in the mass graves in Sinjar.
- And have to explain to a chunk of the country
why that's clearly a video of a Klan-adjacent salad-brain
who should never be in charge of anything.
Like a real dumb guy who just did an entire speech
in front of a parody presidential seal
that read 45 Is A Puppet on it
and included a two-headed eagle holding golf clubs.
He is a joke, a real baloney sandwich.
We shouldn't have to debate
why telling a group of dark-skinned Americans
to go back from which they came,
a thing that has always been racist, is racist.
But then you have the real special thinkers
like Deputy Director of Communications
Matt Wolking tweeting,
technically, he told them to come back so it's not racist.
To which we, the regular people who understand words,
have to explain that he completely missed the vital part
where the president told American-born citizens
to go back to their country
as if America wasn't their country,
and then ol' Wolkers would probably just respond
with something super dumb and before you know it,
you're arguing about the semantics
of an obviously racist statement
when the real conversation should be what to do
about our very racist and dangerous president.
It used to be that Nazis and dumb racists
were reserved for trashy daytime talk shows.
Now we have to explain why someone like Richard Spencer
shouldn't be on the (bleeps) evening news, Jake Tapper!
Which brings us to a quick segment,
What The (bleeps) Are You Doing, Jake Tapper?
Hey, Jake Tapper, what the (bleeps) are you doing?
You have on the, what?
The palatable white nationalist, and he tells your audience
that what Trump said wasn't racist,
normalizing further what's racist.
The white nationalist doesn't think it is,
and he would know, he's racist,
so why would he want people watching
to think the racist president wasn't racist?
And normalize more racism?
You get the races to say that...
This concludes
What The (bleeps) Are You Doing, Jake Tapper?
But anyway, now we have to explain why Ben Garrison,
a racist propagandist
who very badly wants to (bleeps) our president,
shouldn't ever have been invited to the White House.
The discourse about racism in this country
has tragically devolved.
It's like we've gone from grad school
all the way back to explaining
why square pegs don't fit in round holes.
So just a real bummer, July, it was.
But that was probably the final piece of trash news
coming out of that month, right?
Am I right?
Can I be right about this?
- And therefore, I give notice that Boris Johnson is elected
as the leader of the Conservative and Humanist party.
- Ah!
You Watch Me Read News That Is Bad News To Read
Because It Is About Donald Trump
And That Other Guy, Boris Johnson.
Okay, so I think we're now in a segment
that is inside of another segment within the sub-segment
within the second to primary segment
of the primary segment we began with.
Let's make this one quick because it seems like
it should be a whole other video.
So from what I can gather,
there's another country that isn't America
and in that other country,
there's this real goofy walnut with dumb hair
who once got caught on a zip line and lied a lot
to get people to support a really stupid idea
that's going to damage the country
and who has spent a lot of money on wasteful projects
and probably hit his girlfriend
and has said some racist stuff
and also some bizarrely sexist stuff
such as comparing a women's volleyball team
to glistening wet otters
and isn't too great about LGBTQ issues
and once conspired to physically attack a reporter
and has general concentration problems
and can't keep important secrets
and has been widely seen as another,
ah, who am I thinking of?
And now, he's the Prime Minister
of this whole other country.
I dunno, man.
There has to be a British version of me
that can handle this, right?
Can we Photoshop a British version of me
doing Some More British News?
Call it Takin' A Piss On The Ol' News.
Okay, great.
I'm glad that's settled.
Let's just move on because come on.
I feel like I just had my entire vacation
retroactively pulled from my soul by some kind of fun-cubus.
Is there an end to any of this?
I will accept a swift million naps if that's on the table.
You Watch Me Read News That Is Bad News To Read
Because It Is About Donald Trump
And That Other Guy Boris Johnson
But Hey, Look, It's Not All Bad.
Cody, Please Don't Cry.
Look, you might've seen my previous video
highlighting all the good news in the world
so if you need a real heavy dose,
you might wanna go back and watch that.
But good things did happen in July.
In fact, there was even something good
that Trump technically did.
As of July 19th, over 3,000 federal inmates
were granted an early release thanks to the First Step Act,
a non-partisan law that was signed
by our still-racist President
despite the protests from foghorn ghouls like Jeff Sessions.
It basically allows non-violent offenders
to leave prison in exchange for drug treatment
and job training courses
and it's a pretty great thing for human beings to do
to help human beings.
Sure it doesn't address sentencing reform,
but it's a good first step.
So naturally, Tucker Carlson hates it
and Mitch McConnell tried to block it.
And that Mitch guy is who I really want to talk about,
because sure, I can use this final segment
as part of the segment inside another segment
within the sub-segment of a sub-segment
to the entire segment
to just list happy news to cheer you up.
For example, we could talk about the fact
that the Senate just passed a bill voting
to fund victims of 9/11 for the next 100 years or so,
and that's great!
But I'd rather just show you this picture of Mitch McConnell
walking past a beaming Jon Stewart
on his way to make that vote.
Jon, being a comedian,
who fought tirelessly to push the Senate to pass the bill,
and Mitch being the old dinosaur, post-asteroid,
who dragged his ass at every step of that process.
Because of course, he did.
Because he's terrible and greedy,
and has no interest in helping Americans.
And it takes someone like Jon Stewart
to relentlessly pull him through the threshold
of basic progress and decency
like a farmer tugging a (bleeps), greedy old donkey
with no interest in helping Americans.
And if we wanna help other people in similar situations
such as these coal miners currently fighting
to have their black lung benefits restored,
we'll have to continue slogging through the mud
that is people like Mitch, people who are very unpopular
and yet continue to have power.
But here's the good news.
Not only is this muddy jackass Mitch McConnell
finally going to be up for reelection next year,
but he actually has an opponent
who is becoming increasingly popular.
She's a (bleeps) retired marine fighter pilot
and came very (bleeps) close
to winning the 2018 House District Election.
And while she's probably not as left-leaning
as everyone would like, the military thing,
fiscally conservative, she's cool with gay (bleeps)
and abortion and climate change being a thing that is real
and she'd be the first Democrat
to represent Kentucky in the Senate since 1999.
She would be not Mitch McConnell.
Wouldn't that be just swell?
Swap one of the worst Republicans
with what you kinda wish Republicans were.
And hey, two years after, we could get rid of Mitch,
we'll see Rand Paul be up for reelection too.
Rand Paul being one of the only two people
to vote against the 9/11 Victims Bill.
So yeah, maybe he and Mitch
should go back to where they came from,
meaning whatever giant houses they own in Kentucky.
Just a thought, a really, at least, kinda nice thought.
After doing that Good News episode,
we wanna be a little positive, end on a nice note.
So, just imagine.
Imagine not Mitch McConnell.
Anyway, that was totally verbatim,
what was written on these papers I'm holding
and reading for the first time.
Just wanted to illustrate
how frustrating and overwhelming the news is every day
and how things happen and you just kinda move on
and it feels like nothing changes or gets done.
Just today, a satirical movie
was made about rich elites hunting down red-state folks
who are clearly the heroes,
and the president complained about it
because his brain fell out
and now they're pulling the movie.
That seems like a bad precedent.
Anyway, positivity.
It's time to catch up on the news.
Here's some news.
After announcing his candidacy for president
by singling out Mexicans as rapists and murderers,
the man who became the president after doing that
spent much of his time spouting
and encouraging racist demagoguery
and ginning up fear of a coming migrant invasion.
And then after years of people saying don't do that,
it's dangerous, and him continuing to talk like that
and continually bringing up the effectiveness
of shooting migrants at the border,
a frightened young man drove to the border
and shot a bunch of people, as he said, targeting Mexicans.
Some, we hope he assumed, were good people.
But anyway, you get the point.
We'll talk about that next time.
(dramatic music)
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