As you know we have all prospective employees take a lie detector test prior to joining our firm.

So if you don’t mind we're going to begin with a couple of control questions.

Should I be hooked up to something?

With the old system, yes.

But with the new Lie Detector 3000, it's programmed to go off when it hears you tell a lie.

For example, go ahead and tell an obvious lie.

Grass is blue.

[BEEP]

I am a tall, black man.

[BEEP]

I’ve never seen Jersey Shore.

[BEEP]

I love it. I’ve never missed one.

I’ve heard good things.

Now go ahead and say something that is true so we can properly calibrate the machine.

I have a twelve-inch penis.

That’s kind of weird, it should have gone off.

Why?

Because there's no way you…

I have a twelve-inch penis.

Actually, it might be thirteen.

[BEEP]

No?

I guess it’s twelve.

Wait, seriously?

Hey Mike, did you get a chance to email me those mission statements?

Uh yeah! I did it last night.

[BEEP]

I did it this morning.

[BEEP]

All right! I haven't even started yet.

Wow Mike, you're the best!

[BEEP]

You suck. I’ll be back at my desk working.

[BEEP]

I’ll be playing Angry Birds on my phone.

Please state your full name?

Dane Christopher Hanson.

Is it true you that reside at 1444 North Sierra Bonita Avenue?

Yes. Apartment 3.

How do you do it, man?

Oh, when I moved here I went on Westside Rentals.

No…

It’s like 80 dollars.

No, how do you live with a twelve-inch penis. I mean, how is that even possible?

Okay, I’m getting a little uncomfortable with this line of questioning.

I'm sorry, I’m sorry. You’re right.

I mean it’s just that twelve-inches, that is like a freaking beef bus! You know what I’m sayin’?

Why are you- why are you so concerned about my penis anyhow? I mean, are you gay or something?

What? No!

[BEEP]

Hey! Nobody loves pussy more than I do!

[BEEP]

All right. I'm a flaming homosexual. But do me a favor?

Don't tell anybody because nobody knows.

[BEEP]

Everybody knows.

So wait, tell people?

No!

Have you ever been fired from a job before?

No.

[BEEP]

3 times.

Have you ever stolen from an employer before?

No.

[BEEP]

All right! Dammit!

How much would you say you've stolen before?

Hundred dollars.

[BEEP]

500 dollars.

[BEEP]

So much I’ve lost count.

[BEEP]

44,793 dollars.

That’s a lot of money, Dane.

Well-

I had Cancer.

[BEEP]

I bought a boat.

And named it Cancer.

I'm going to be honest, Dane. This interview is going really well.

Yeah?

[BEEP]

No. This is the worst interview I’ve ever been a part of.

Normally, you’d be gone.

However, company policy dictates I ask you one final question.

Okay.

Would you ever have sex with a man in order to get a job?

No.

[BEEP]

Welcome to the firm.