I felt like I'd been living two different lives.

都過著兩種截然不同的生活，

There's the life that everyone sees,

一個是大家看見的，

and then there's the life that only I see.

一個只有我自己知道。

And in the life that everyone sees,

在大家都能看見的生活裡，

who I am is a friend,

我是他們的朋友、

a son, a brother,

兒子、兄弟、

a stand-up comedian and a teenager.

單人脫口秀諧星和一個青少年，

That's the life everyone sees.

這是大家都能看到的一面。

If you were to ask my friends and family to describe me,

如果你請我的朋友和家人形容我這個人，

that's what they would tell you.

他們講的大概八九不離十。

And that's a huge part of me. That is who I am.

而那些佔了我很大的一部分，那就是我。

And if you were to ask me to describe myself,

如果你請我描述我自己

I'd probably say some of those same things.

我大概也會告訴你們類似的東西，

And I wouldn't be lying,

雖然我這樣並沒有說謊，

but I wouldn't totally be telling you the truth, either,

但我講的也不全然是實話，

because the truth is,

因為事實上，

that's just the life everyone else sees.

那只是大家看得到的那一面。

In the life that only I see, who I am,

在只有我能看見的生活裡，我，

who I really am,

真實的我，

is someone who struggles intensely with depression.

是一個奮力對抗憂鬱症的人。

I have for the last six years of my life,

過去六年裡我持續與它對峙，

and I continue to every day.

未來的每天也將如此。

Now, for someone who has never experienced depression

現在，對於那些不曾憂鬱過，

or doesn't really know what that means,

或不真的的了解它的意義的人來說，

that might surprise them to hear,

聽到這裡應該會很驚訝，

because there's this pretty popular misconception

因為有個廣為流傳的誤解說

that depression is just being sad

憂鬱其實就只是悲傷，

when something in your life goes wrong,

當你人生中出了某些差錯的時候；

when you break up with your girlfriend,

當你和女朋友分手的時候；

when you lose a loved one,

當你失去至親摯愛的時候；

when you don't get the job you wanted.

當你沒得到想要的工作的時候。

But that's sadness. That's a natural thing.

但那是悲傷，那是很自然的東西，

That's a natural human emotion.

那是人自然的情緒。

Real depression isn't being sad

真正的憂鬱不是因為生活中

when something in your life goes wrong.

事情出了差錯而感到悲傷。

Real depression is being sad

真正的憂鬱是當生活

when everything in your life is going right.

一切順遂時仍感到悲傷。

That's real depression, and that's what I suffer from.

那是真正的憂鬱，這就是讓我受苦的東西。

And to be totally honest,

非常坦白的地說，

that's hard for me to stand up here and say.

站在台上並訴說這些對我來說很困難。

It's hard for me to talk about,

談論這些對我來說很困難，

and it seems to be hard for everyone to talk about,

而且看來似乎對其他人來說也很困難，

so much so that no one's talking about it.

以至於根本沒有人在談論這些事情。

And no one's talking about depression, but we need to be,

沒有人在談論憂鬱症，但我們必須這麼做

because right now it's a massive problem.

因為現在它是個巨大的問題，

It's a massive problem.

它是個巨大的問題。

But we don't see it on social media, right?

但我們在社會媒體上並看不到，對吧？

We don't see it on Facebook. We don't see it on Twitter.

我們在臉書上看不到它，我們在推特上看不到它，

We don't see it on the news, because it's not happy,

我們在新聞上看不到它因為它不美好，

it's not fun, it's not light.

它不有趣，它不光明。

And so because we don't see it, we don't see the severity of it.

因為我們看不見， 所以我們便無法了解它的嚴重性，

But the severity of it and the seriousness of it is this:

它的嚴重性和嚴肅性在於：

every 30 seconds,

每三十秒，

every 30 seconds, somewhere,

每三十秒，在世界某處，

someone in the world takes their own life

就會有一個人因為憂鬱症

because of depression,

而了結自己的性命。

and it might be two blocks away, it might be two countries away,

事情可能發生在兩個街區之外、兩個國家之外

it might be two continents away, but it's happening,

甚至兩個大陸之外，但它正在發生，

and it's happening every single day.

而且每日不曾間斷。

And we have a tendency, as a society,

而我們的社會傾向於

to look at that and go, "So what?"

看一眼然後問：「所以呢？」

So what? We look at that, and we go, "That's your problem.

所以呢？ 我們看了一眼然後說：「那是你的問題。」

That's their problem."

「那是他們的問題。」

We say we're sad and we say we're sorry,

我們說我們感到哀傷，我們感到遺憾，

but we also say, "So what?"

但我們也說：「所以呢？」

Well, two years ago it was my problem,

而兩年前這是我的問題，

because I sat on the edge of my bed

因為當時我坐在我已坐過

where I'd sat a million times before

千百次的床沿，

and I was suicidal.

而且好想自殺，

I was suicidal, and if you were to look at my life on the surface,

我好想自殺。 但如果你當時從表面上來看我的生活，

you wouldn't see a kid who was suicidal.

你不會覺得這個孩子有自殺傾向。

You'd see a kid who was the captain of his basketball team,

你看到的會是個身兼籃球隊隊長、

the drama and theater student of the year,

戲劇與劇場年度榮譽生、

the English student of the year,

英文年度榮譽生、

someone who was consistently on the honor roll

幾乎都出現在榮譽榜上

and consistently at every party.

和每個派對裡的的孩子。

So you would say I wasn't depressed, you would say

所以你會說我並不憂鬱，你會說

I wasn't suicidal, but you would be wrong.

我沒有自殺傾向，但你錯了。

You would be wrong. So I sat there that night

你錯了。 所以那天晚上我坐在那裏，

beside a bottle of pills with a pen and paper in my hand

旁邊有一罐藥丸，手裡拿著一支筆和一張紙，

and I thought about taking my own life

心裡想著要結束自己的生命，

and I came this close to doing it.

我差那麼點就要動手了，

I came this close to doing it.

我差那麼點就要動手了，

And I didn't, so that makes me one of the lucky ones,

但我沒有。 這讓我成為了幸運者的一份子，

one of the people who gets to step out on the ledge

成為走到懸崖邊，

and look down but not jump,

往下看，但沒有跳下去的一份子，

one of the lucky ones who survives.

成為幸運生還的一份子。

Well, I survived, and that just leaves me with my story,

我活下來了，背負著我的故事活下來了，

and my story is this:

而我的故事是這樣子的：

In four simple words, I suffer from depression.

一言以蔽之，我為憂鬱症所苦。

I suffer from depression,

我為憂鬱症所苦，

and for a long time, I think,

而且有好長一段時間我覺得

I was living two totally different lives,

我過著兩個截然不同的生活，

where one person was always afraid of the other.

在那裏我總是害怕其他人，

I was afraid that people would see me for who I really was,

我害怕人們會看到真正的我，

that I wasn't the perfect, popular kid in high school everyone thought I was,

一個不再是高中裡公認最完美和最受歡迎的孩子的我，

that beneath my smile, there was struggle,

我的笑容的背後有許多掙扎，

and beneath my light, there was dark,

在我的光芒之下有黑暗，

and beneath my big personality just hid even bigger pain.

而在我的奔放的個性中暗藏著更加深沉的苦痛。

See, some people might fear girls not liking them back.

你懂嗎？ 有些人可能害怕女孩們沒有回應他們的情意，

Some people might fear sharks. Some people might fear death.

有些人可能怕鯊魚，有些人可能害怕死亡，

But for me, for a large part of my life, I feared myself.

但對我來說，對我大半的人生來說，我害怕我自己。

I feared my truth, I feared my honesty, I feared my vulnerability,

我害怕真實的我，我害怕誠實的我，我害怕軟弱的我，

and that fear made me feel

而那些恐懼讓我覺得

like I was forced into a corner,

像是我被逼到牆角，

like I was forced into a corner and there was only one way out,

像是我被逼到牆角而且只有一條退路(自殺)，

and so I thought about that way every single day.

於是我每天都會想著那條路，

I thought about it every single day,

我每天都會想著那條退路，

and if I'm being totally honest, standing here

而且說真的，站在這裡到現在，

I've thought about it again since, because that's the sickness,

我其實有想到那條退路，因為那就是疾病本身，

that's the struggle, that's depression,

那就是試煉，那就是憂鬱症，

and depression isn't chicken pox.

憂鬱症不是水痘，

You don't beat it once and it's gone forever.

你不能打敗它一次就一勞永逸，

It's something you live with. It's something you live in.

你必須和它共存，你就生活在它之中。

It's the roommate you can't kick out. It's the voice you can't ignore.

它是你趕不走的室友、是你無法忽視的聲音、

It's the feelings you can't seem to escape,

是種你沒什麼機會逃脫的感受，

the scariest part is that after a while,

最令人害怕的是過了一段時間後，

you become numb to it. It becomes normal for you,

你便麻木了，對你來說它變得再正常不過。

and what you really fear the most

而真正令你感到害怕的

isn't the suffering inside of you.

不是你內心所受的煎熬，

It's the stigma inside of others,

而是存乎於他人心中的汙名、

it's the shame, it's the embarrassment,

是那份羞恥、是那份尷尬、

it's the disapproving look on a friend's face,

是朋友們不以為然的臉色、

it's the whispers in the hallway that you're weak,

是穿堂中關於你多麼軟弱的耳語，

it's the comments that you're crazy.

是關於你是瘋子的評論。

That's what keeps you from getting help.

就是這些讓你怯於尋求援助，

That's what makes you hold it in and hide it.

就是這些讓你寧可忍住並躲起來，

It's the stigma. So you hold it in and you hide it,

就是這些汙名讓你寧可忍住並躲起來，

and you hold it in and you hide it,

讓你再忍住再躲起來，

and even though it's keeping you in bed every day

縱使它讓你只想每天躲在被窩裡，

and it's making your life feel empty no matter how much you try and fill it,

讓你無論多努力都無法填補生命的空洞感，

you hide it, because the stigma in our society

你仍選擇隱藏，因為充斥在我們社會裡

around depression is very real.

對於憂鬱症的污名化是如此的真實。

It's very real, and if you think that it isn't, ask yourself this:

它是如此的真實。 如果你覺得這些汙名不存在的話，請捫心自問：

Would you rather make your next Facebook status

你會寧願在下一則臉書動態裡說

say you're having a tough time getting out of bed

要你起床是一件很困難的事

because you hurt your back

因為你的背受傷了，

or you're having a tough time getting out of bed every morning

還是說你每天早上都不想起床

because you're depressed?

因為你很憂鬱？

That's the stigma, because unfortunately,

這就是汙名化。因為，不幸地，

we live in a world where if you break your arm,

我們身處在一個如果你的手骨折

everyone runs over to sign your cast,

大家會圍過來在你的石膏上簽名的世界，

but if you tell people you're depressed, everyone runs the other way.

但如果你告訴大家你有憂鬱症， 大家全都會離你而去。

That's the stigma.

這就是汙名化。

We are so, so, so accepting of any body part breaking down

我們非常之能夠接受全身除了腦以外

other than our brains. And that's ignorance.

任何一個器官的故障，那是無知，

That's pure ignorance, and that ignorance has created

那是全然的無知，而無知造就了

a world that doesn't understand depression,

一個不了解憂鬱症、

that doesn't understand mental health.

不了解精神健康的世界。

And that's ironic to me, because depression

這個現象對我來說很諷刺，因為憂鬱症

is one of the best documented problems we have in the world,

是世界上擁有最完整紀載的問題之一，

yet it's one of the least discussed.

同時也是最少被討論的。

We just push it aside and put it in a corner

我們只顧把它推到旁邊然後堆在角落

and pretend it's not there and hope it'll fix itself.

並裝作它不存在，期待有天它會自我修復。

Well, it won't. It hasn't, and it's not going to,

但是，它不會， 過去不曾如此，以後也不會如此，

because that's wishful thinking,

因為，那只是癡心妄想，

and wishful thinking isn't a game plan, it's procrastination,

癡心妄想不是解決之道， 它只是拖延戰術，

and we can't procrastinate on something this important.

而面對這樣重要的問題我們絕不能耽擱。

The first step in solving any problem

解決任何問題的第一步驟

is recognizing there is one.

是要先承認問題的確存在，

Well, we haven't done that, so we can't really expect

明顯地，我們還沒有做到，所以我們也不用期待

to find an answer when we're still afraid of the question.

在我們仍然害怕問題時就找到答案，

And I don't know what the solution is.

而我也不知道解決方法是什麼。

I wish I did, but I don't -- but I think,

我希望我知道，但我並不知道。 但是我認為，

I think it has to start here.

我認為應該從這裡開始，

It has to start with me, it has to start with you,

應該從我開始，應該從你開始，

it has to start with the people who are suffering,

應該從那些備受煎熬的人們開始，

the ones who are hidden in the shadows.

從那些躲在陰影中的人開始。

We need to speak up and shatter the silence.

我們必須站出來發聲並打破沉默，

We need to be the ones who are brave for what we believe in,

我們必須成為那些因信念而變得勇敢的人們，

because if there's one thing that I've come to realize,

因為如果要說我漸漸體會了某件事，

if there's one thing that I see as the biggest problem,

如果要說有一件我視為最重要的問題的事，

it's not in building a world

那並不是建造一個

where we eliminate the ignorance of others.

消除他人的無知的世界，

It's in building a world where we teach the acceptance of ourselves,

而是建立一個教育我們接受自己的世界，

where we're okay with who we are,

在那裏我們可以做自己，

because when we get honest,

因為當我們能更誠實

we see that we all struggle and we all suffer.

我們會發現我們都在掙扎且我們都在受苦。

Whether it's with this, whether it's with something else,

無論是因為這些或是因為那些(原因)，

we all know what it is to hurt.

我們都知道傷害我們的是什麼。

We all know what it is to have pain in our heart,

我們都知道心理受傷是怎麼樣的感受

and we all know how important it is to heal.

且我們都知道恢復健康是多麼的重要。

But right now, depression is society's deep cut

但現在，憂鬱症是社會的瘡疤，

that we're content to put a Band-Aid over and pretend it's not there.

而我們只是用個OK繃蓋住然後假奘它不存在就放心了。

Well, it is there. It is there, and you know what? It's okay.

然而，它在那裏。它在那裏。而且你知道嗎？沒有關係。

Depression is okay. If you're going through it, know that you're okay.

有憂鬱症沒有關係。 如果你正在經歷它，要知道自己沒問題的，

And know that you're sick, you're not weak,

而且要知道你只是病了，你不軟弱，

and it's an issue, not an identity,

而且這是個難題，不是你的身份，

because when you get past the fear and the ridicule

因為當你撐過恐懼和他人的訕笑、

and the judgment and the stigma of others,

評論和汙名的時候，

you can see depression for what it really is,

你就能看透憂鬱的本質，

and that's just a part of life,

它只是生命的一部分，

just a part of life, and as much as I hate,

它只是生命的一部份，即便我如此的厭惡，

as much as I hate some of the places,

即便我如此厭惡憂鬱症曾把我拖往的

some of the parts of my life depression has dragged me down to,

某些地方和我生命中的某些部份，

in a lot of ways I'm grateful for it.

從許多方面來說我對它仍心懷感恩。

Because yeah, it's put me in the valleys,

因為，沒錯，它曾經置我於幽谷之中，

but only to show me there's peaks,

但這只讓我看到山巔的所在；

and yeah it's dragged me through the dark

而沒錯，它曾經把我拖往黑暗，

but only to remind me there is light.

但這只提醒了我光明的存在。

My pain, more than anything in 19 years on this planet,

我的痛苦，比19年來在這世上的其他東西都還要更多地

has given me perspective, and my hurt,

賦予我洞察力，而我的傷痛，

my hurt has forced me to have hope,

我的傷痛迫使我懷抱希望，

have hope and to have faith, faith in myself,

懷抱著希望和信念，相信自己、

faith in others, faith that it can get better,

相信別人、相信事情將會變得更好、

that we can change this, that we can speak up

相信我們可以改變現況、我們可以大聲疾呼並

and speak out and fight back against ignorance,

呼籲、可以對無知

fight back against intolerance,

和不寬容進行反擊。

and more than anything,

然後，最重要的是，

learn to love ourselves,

學會愛自己，

learn to accept ourselves for who we are,

學會接受我就是我，

the people we are, not the people the world wants us to be.

做自己，而不是世上其他人想要我們做的人，

Because the world I believe in is one

因為我所嚮往的世界裡

where embracing your light doesn't mean ignoring your dark.

你不需要忽視自己的黑暗才能擁抱光亮；

The world I believe in is one where we're measured

我所嚮往的世界裡衡量我們的是

by our ability to overcome adversities, not avoid them.

克服困境而不是逃避困境的能力；

The world I believe in is one where I can look someone in the eye

我所嚮往的世界裡，我可以直視某人的眼睛，

and say, "I'm going through hell,"

說：「我身處在地獄之中」，

and they can look back at me and go, "Me too," and that's okay,

然後他不會避開我的眼神，並回我：「我也是」， 沒什麼大不了的，

and it's okay because depression is okay. We're people.

沒什麼大不了的，因為憂鬱症沒那麼嚴重， 我們是人，

We're people, and we struggle and we suffer

我們是人，我們掙扎、我們受苦、

and we bleed and we cry, and if you think that true strength

我們流血和哭泣，如果你認為真正的堅強

means never showing any weakness, then I'm here

是從來不顯露自己的弱點，那我在這裡

to tell you you're wrong.

要告訴你，你錯了。

You're wrong, because it's the opposite.

你錯了，因為恰恰相反。

We're people, and we have problems.

我們是人，我們會出問題，