I know.

There's just something about autumn　that resonates with me as a person.

Right, you like it.

But for me, it's something more!

Not more than me.

See, I embrace the feeling of a frosty morning chill　fading in the afternoon sun!

Right, a comfortable temperature.

But, see, I love the fall because　I love the sound of dry leaves crackling underfoot!

Oh, a universally beloved sound?

Great.

I love fall because of the hum of excitement　of a new school year!

Oh, the thing children are required　by law to do?

How special.

See, I love autumn in a deeper way,　because I love the creamy, zesty taste　of pumpkin spice!

- Oh, you mean Starbucks' most popular flavor?

How unique.

But for me-- - For you?

For me. For you?

For me.

For you?

I love the color bursting forth from every tree!

Oh, you mean thing that powers all of New England tourism?

That's what you love?

See, I'm a brooding mystery, because I love the macabre darkness of Halloween!

Oh, you mean the closest thing modern Americans have to a bacchanalian orgy of delight?

I've claimed ownership over the season, and no one else can love it more than I can!

I can! I love the way the world looks when it's dappled in golden light!

I love the sound of rain tapping against the window!

I could smell cinnamon every day for the rest of my life!

Apples! Apple cider!

Apple sauce! Apple rides!

An old man wearing a plaid shirt, sitting on a bench--

sitting on a bench--

Dropping them into chocolate --

Sitting on the carpet watching the home team--

Going back to school and having a crush on Mrs. Louise--

Tossing the old pig skin around--

Great piles of --

Gourds!

Crisp!

Russet!

Dew dappled!

Augh! I am made of pumpkin!

Augh!

I am a scarecrow!

Augh!

I love fall!

I love fall!

Ugh. These assholes are the worst part of fall.

Seriously.

Hi, it's Mike Trapp from College Humor.

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And if you want to investigate the spooky old McReary house, even though your mom warned you not to, turn to page 87.