Myself!

我愛我自己！

Yes, but a year ago I finally admitted that I hate myself.

沒錯，但在一年前，我才終於承認我其實非常討厭自己。

I know that sounds super extreme, but the first time I had the revelation of like, "Wow, I think I DO hate myself!"

我知道這聽起來有點偏激，但當我內心第一次出現「哇！我覺得我是『真的』討厭自己呢！」的時候...

I really wanted to push it away and just deny it because it seemed so intense.

當下，我是真的想要立刻把這可怕的想法逐出腦外，並極力否認它。

But when you think about the way you talk to yourself, most often, we say things like...

不過，你可以仔細回想每一次的自我對話，大部分的時候都會是...

"You're so stupid, why did you say that?"

「你怎麼會那麼笨，你為什麼要這麼說？」

"You're terrible at everything you do, just stop, no one cares."

「你什麼都做不好，夠了放棄吧，反正沒人在乎你。」

"Uh, of course he left you, why would anyone wanna be with you?"

「呃...他跟你分手是理所當然，誰想跟你這種人在一起？」

Which for some reason is totally acceptable coming from your head.

因為這些話都是從你自己的腦產生，所以你會欣然地接受這些傷人的言論。

But if you separated your mind and you, and you imagine that everything it was telling you is coming from a friend.

不過，如果你把腦中的聲音和自己視為兩個不同的個體，接著想像那些腦中的話都是來自一位朋友...

That's probably the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.

那真的是我這輩子聽過最蠢的事了。

Oh, your art is terrible, you're never gonna make it

你一點藝術細胞都沒有，你永遠不會成功的。

You should definitely get a day job!

所以，我覺得你還是好好去找份可以養活自己的工作吧！

Yeah, I mean obviously you're single.

我說，你單身是件再正常不過的事情。

You have so many issues, who would want to deal with that?

你有那麼多惱人的毛病，誰想跟你在一起啊？

That friendship would not last.

以上，這種友情是無法長久的。

You know when I became aware of how awful my self-talk was, I also realized how those messages drove parts of myself.

當我意識到我的「自我談話」是多麼糟糕時，我也發現到這些負面的訊息會對我產生不好的影響。

I have been trying to change for years that I sacrifice my mental health in the name of work.

多年來，我一直都在嘗試做出改變，例如：為了工作，我犧牲了心理健康。

That I practiced poor boundaries because I'm afraid of speaking up.

因為我害怕在大家面發表意見，我試著消除心理界線。

That I tolerate disrespect in romantic relationships

在感情方面，我忍受所有無禮的大小事。

Because honestly, it's what I think I deserve.

老實說，因為我認為那是我應得的。

So a year ago, I was like, "okay, well, how do I stop hating myself?"

大約在一年前，我重新正視「要如何停止討厭自己」的問題。

Because that's not a good thing.

因為討厭自己並不是件好事。

They say, "you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself."

有句話是這麼說的：「愛別人之前，你要先好好愛自己」。

And I want to love someone else before I die!

而在我死之前，我真的想要好好愛人啊！

And self-love, in particular, seems like this like very abstract, rainbows and butterflies, intangible concept beyond achievement.

「愛自己」看似是個抽象且美好，但無法有任何實際作為的概念。

'Cause there's no like physical measurement of success, just this deep internal certainty and self-assurance of one's worth that I have never had and I cannot tell you what it looks like.

因為「愛自己」並沒有任何實體的方法，只能透過內在的安全感和一個人對於自我價值的肯定來實踐，而我還沒有體會過，所以無法確切地告訴你該怎麼做。

Until now!

直到現在！

You know, everyone has their own way of working on themselves.

每個人都有屬於自己獨一無二的方式去愛自己。

But I've found the single instrumental tool in changing my self-talk has been journaling.

但我發現了一個有效改變「自我談話」的好方法—寫日記。

Specifically, journaling affirmations that just emotionally resonate with me.

更明確地說，寫日記可以幫助我整理情緒。

Every single day for the last year, sometimes multiple times a day, I was in a bad place you guys.

去年，我的心理狀態不是很好，每天或是一天當中好幾次...

I would journal and journal and journal to combat all the negative self-talk that runs on the default apps of my brain.

我都會透過寫日記來抗衡那些「自我談話」中的負面想法。

And the more I did this, the more aware I became of what I was saying to myself moment to moment.

日記寫得越多，我越發現我正逐漸變成「自我談話」中那個負面的自己。

So I would catch myself being self-deprecating as a joke, or beating myself up about a mistake I made 10 years ago, or judging other people for stuff that really was about my own insecurities.

我會不斷地自我抨擊，把十年前所犯下的錯誤繼續拿來貶低自我，或因為自己缺乏安全感就一直批評他人。

And I thought there would be like 30 steps or something that I had to take in order to deal with this.

我原本以為，如果要改變現況，我必須採取三十個步驟的自我調適之類的。

But honestly there was only one.

不過，其實方法只有一個。

And that was changing my self-talk, so it reflected the way I wanted to feel about myself.

那就是改變「自我談話」，你想要有哪種感受，你就用那樣的方式進行自我談話。

And this is manifested very slowly over the course of a year.

改變「自我談話」急不來，它需要很長的時間。

I want to stress this 'cause I don't want to act like it's some magical instant process, you know.

我會特別強調是因為我並不想要讓大家誤以為這一切就像是魔法一樣，馬上就能實現。

It took time and I'm still working on it a lot.

它需要時間，而我也還在努力中執行中。

And I've been really surprised to find that self-love just means taking a bunch of really small steps to communicate that I care about you/me.

當我發現「愛自己」其實就只是透過一些生活中的小細節來讓自己的內心感受到「自我的愛與在乎」，我也非常驚訝。

You know, like, walking away from unanswered emails so I can get a good night's sleep.

就像是，先把未回覆的電子郵件放置一旁，並好好地去睡個美容覺。

Not being afraid to leave the party early.

不要害怕提早離開派對。

Having a skincare routine.

或是，好好地做完保養皮膚的流程。

Being sober

不要喝酒保持清醒。

That's a big one for me.

這對我來說非常難。

And being as patient, kind and encouraging to myself as I would to any of my friends.

對待自己要像你對待朋友一樣，多點耐心、保持友善的態度，和多點鼓勵的話語。

I'm Anna Akana, I wish you luck on your journey because the world, and especially the internet, would be a better place if we all loved ourselves.

我是 Anna Akana，祝你在人生這趟旅程中都能一切順利，如果這個這個世界，尤其在網路上，大家都能更愛自己的話，世界會更美好。

I want to say thank you to "care/of" for sponsoring today's video.

我想要特別感謝 「care/of」贊助今天這部影片。

I am very grateful that I get to work with brands that I love to fund art that I love.

我可以和我喜歡的品牌一起合作並支持我所愛的藝術創作，我非常感激。

So because I'm both a vegetarian, and a little bit of a health nut, every day I take a multivitamin, a probiotic, fish oil and magnesium.

因為我是個素食主義，同時也是個健康達人，我每天都會攝取多種維生素、益生菌、魚肝油，鎂。

Vitamins have been explained to me by my doctor as just insurance.

我的醫生告訴我，維他命讓健康多份保障。

In case I get too stressed out that day, and I haven't eaten what I needed to.

以防萬一當我太過於忙碌的時候，我會忘記攝取我所需的營養。

Or if I'm not paying attention to my protein sources and being a junk food vegetarian that just eats pasta and potato chips.

或是，當我沒有注意蛋白質的來源，變成一個只吃義大利麵和洋芋片的「垃圾食物之素食主義者」。

And I definitely do notice that there's a difference in both my sleep quality and my mood when I'm getting everything that my body needs.

我確實有發覺，當我攝取足夠的營養素，睡眠品質和情緒都會出現變化。

But I know that figuring out what your body needs can be very annoying and overwhelming.

而我知道，弄清楚身體到底需要什麼營養素是一件惱人的事。

So "care/of" makes vitamins easy.

不過，「care/of」讓這件事情變簡單了。

You take a five-minute quiz, and they suggest which ones you need based on your dietary requirements and lifestyle.

你只需要做個五分鐘的小測驗，「care/of」會根據你的飲食需求和生活方式來訂定出你所需要的營養素。

Prices start at just $20 a month and vary depending on your personalised pack.

價錢的部分，一個月 20 美金再根據個人的營養素組合調整價錢。

The first 200 people to click the link in the description can use my code and get 25% off their first month.

前兩百位點擊下方連結的使用者，可以使用我的優惠代碼，並得到首月七十五折的優惠價格。