I'm not gonna stand up here and run a bunch

of hacky gay jokes into the ground, all right?

I'm not "Will & Grace."

[laughter]

Larry Bird is here. I mean Nikki Glaser is here.

- That hurts, Blake. That hurts.

[cheers and applause]

- Uh, you know, the only difference

between Larry Bird and Nikki Glaser

is Larry could actually pass as 33.

[audience groaning]

- Devastating!

- I'm sorry. You were so nice earlier.

I--

[laughter]

I just--yeah.

Nikki, look at you.

You damaged little climber.

[laughter]

You know, Nikki was the only girl

kicked off Jeffery Epstein's island for networking.

[laughter]

Adam Carolla is here.

[cheers and applause]

You know, Adam looks like the kind of guy

who calls black athletes "thoroughbreds."

[audience groaning]

- Caroline Rhea from "Sabrina" is here, give it up.

Give it up.

Caroline, if you're here, that means Salem the cat

must have turned this down, huh?

[laughter]

Sorry, Mr. De Niro, we know how much

you love that black pussy.

[audience clamoring]

Nice to meet you, by the way.

[laughter]

Big fan.

Chris Redd looks like a police sketch

of someone doing blackface.

You look like Nephew Jemima.

- Oh, shit!

Don't talk about my auntie like that.

- Dude, dude, dude.

- Why do you always look like you just got your braces off?

Speaking of Chris Redd, Caitlyn Jenner is here.

Uh, uh--I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Like Caitlyn, my transitions are really awkward.

Caitlyn completed her gender reassignment in 2017,

finally confirming that no one in that family

wants a white dick.

[audience clamoring]

Oh.

- Oh.

- Thought she was coming after me there for a second.

Caitlyn's pussy is so young...

- How young is it?

- Alec just called it a rude, thoughtless little pig.

Look, look, for real, I know we're all here

making fun of Caitlyn, but honestly,

I want to take this moment to publicly thank you.

As an athlete, I want to thank you for your bravery.

As a human, I want to thank you for the doors you've opened.

And on behalf of the entire NBA

and half of the rappers on the "Billboard" charts,

I want to thank you for giving your daughters

their daddy issues.

[cheers and applause]

And now the man of the hour, Mr. Alec Baldwin.

Give it up.

Alec, I can tell you're from New York

because just like the Knicks, you've somehow

gotten worse every year since the 90s.

You know, Alec kind of looks like a team owner

that saves money by massaging the players himself.

And I played for Donald Sterling, so...

You might think Alec's had an easy life,

but he's had hardships.

He once had someone take his parking spot.

Another time, a flight attendant

asked him to turn his phone off before takeoff.

And according to Alec's reactions,

those are the two worst things to ever happen to him.

[cheers and applause]

In the NBA, we have a term for people like you.

It's a bad teammate.

Like, you were in "Glengarry Glen Ross"

with Kevin Spacey and you couldn't even tell him

that ABC doesn't mean "always blow children"?

[audience clamoring]

I would have told him.

Uh, but you know what, I'm happy I'm here tonight

because tonight I learned you're a family man,

you give to charity, and you're a big enough man

to sit up here and let us roast you.

You truly are a kind, thoughtful little pig.

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat music]