but I do think every now and then

we need to check in with what's going on in the world.

-Hmm. -That's why we're gonna do

a segment we're calling "Sad News."

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ "Taps" plays ]

[ Laughter ]

So cute.

So, with the help of my two lovely guests, Jim and Antoni,

we're going to read some absolutely real headlines.

And please, prepare yourself,

because these are really very sad.

[ Clears throat ] Queue the music, please.

♪♪

Sad news. In Maryland, a dead goose

fell out of the sky

and knocked a hunter unconscious.

[ Laughter ]

-Sad news.

A woman in California had a dream

that she ate her engagement ring.

[ Laughter ]

And she woke up to find...

she had eaten her engagement ring.

[ Laughter ]

-[ Clears throat ]

Sad news.

A bull insemination facility caught on fire,

resulting in a massive explosion of semen.

[ Laughter ]

-Sad news. [ Laughter ]

A mouse launched itself into a deep fryer

at a Texas fast-food restaurant.

That's really sad.

[ Laughter ]

-Sad news.

The mayor of a New England town

opened up a 50-year-old time capsule,

and it was filled with nothing.

[ Laughter ]

Said the town mayor, "It was a big disappointment.

We were all excited about it."

[ Laughter ]

-Sad news.

The cylinders of pressurized bull semen

were very, very full of semen. [ Laughter ]

So firefighters at the scene

had to dodge projectile semen missiles."

[ Laughter ]

-Delicious. [ Laughter ]

-[ Clears throat ]

Sad news.

A man cooked a pork chop that looked like Freddie Mercury.

[ Laughter ]

Then he ate it.

[ Laughter ]

-That must have been a great pork chop.

[ Laughter ]

Sad news.

An airporn work-- An airport worker --

[ Laughter ]

Or an air porn worker.

[ Laughter ]

An airport worker was fired for giving a traveler

a note that said "You're ugly."

[ Laughter ]

By the way, I'm not that ugly.

[ Laughter ]

-Sad news. In a Virginia town,

250 escaped pigs were lured back to their pens

with a trail of hot dog buns.

[ Laughter, audience "Awws" ]

-And, finally, sad news.

A Florida toilet exploded

after the septic tank was struck by lightning.

[ Laughter ]

-That's very sad. -I know.

-Devastating.

-This has been "Sad News"! [ Cheers and applause ]