(GRUNTING)

Here you are, darling.

Thank you, my dear.

GOMEZ: Pull!

Excellent, my dear.

Let's see if you can do this for me, though.

Okay.

My dear.

Pull!

Ole, ole.

I give up, querida mia.

I simply haven't the dexterity

to squeeze off shots like that.

Now isn't this better than shooting apples off of Lurch's head?

Oh, much safer and less expensive.

These poor steel-tipped arrows

haven't a chance against Lurch's head.

Incidentally, darling, does Lurch seem troubled to you?

I spoke to him a few moments ago and he didn't even answer me.

Didn't act like he heard me.

Do you suppose he's ill?

I don't know.

He's been terribly depressed ever since he got that letter

from his mother this morning.

Not himself at all.

How could you tell?

He smiled.

Something has given him a bad turn.

We should find him and get to the root of it.

(GROANING)

More. More.

Oh, gosh, Lurch, give me a turn.

You've been having all the fun.

Oh, Lurch, you're relaxing. That's a relief.

We were worried about you.

He says the rack is the only thing

that helps him forget his troubles.

Well, it'll do it every time,

but you do have a problem, eh, old man?

(GROANING)

Oh, now, it's not that bad.

Come on, we'll get you off the rack and we'll talk about it.

Mama, Uncle Fester's fixing a tasty new dish.

Why don't you run along, maybe he'll share it with you.

I could stand a snack.

Selfish!

Come on, old man. Speak up.

Now, Lurch, does it have anything to do with the letter

you received from your mother this morning?

Why, I should think you'd be pleased that she's going to visit.

We'd love to have her stay with us.

We could put her up in that nice attic room.

No.

No?

I fibbed.

To your mama?

Oh, well, Mr. Addams and I understand.

We understand about those little white lies

that a roaming son writes his mother.

(GROANING)

Lurch, that picture of the house that you sent to your mother,

you told her it was your house, right?

Well, we always think of you as one of the family, Lurch.

A servant.

A very good servant.

I'm a liar.

And a very good liar.

Gomez!

Oh, sorry, I got carried away.

Now don't you fret about a thing.

We'll put our heads together and see what we can do to help you.

We'll call a family conference.

Maybe Uncle Fester can think of something.

He has a good head on his shoulders.

Too bad Cousin Slimy isn't around.

He has two of them.

I say let's mine the front porch.

I can wire it so it'll blow up when she pushes the doorbell.

That always discourages those magazine salesmen.

Not bad, Fester, but why not just wire the doorbell

with a few thousand volts?

No need to damage the porch.

No, no, darling, that wouldn't be kind.

You let her get all the way to the door

and then disappoint her like that.

Why not have Lurch play dead?

Good thinking.

You think Lurch could be convincing?

He looks so alive.

It was a very sweet thought, darling, but that's true.

Lurch is so vivacious.

His most outstanding characteristic.

I have it.

If Mrs. Lurch thinks that Lurch is a very important, big man

and owns this house and everything,

why don't we just let her continue to think so?

Querida mia. Leave it to you, with your feminine intuition,

to come up with the correct answer.

Darling.

Tish, when you pat my cheek it drives me wild.

You Castilians are so fiery.

Yes, Cousin Manuelo was a pyromaniac.

Darling, later, later.

Let's concentrate on Lurch.

Oh, yes.

Now...

Forgive me.

...for the few days that Mrs. Lurch is here,

we'll let her think that Lurch is the head of the household,

and we'll be the servants.

Marvelous.

Do you think I'd make a convincing butler?

Darling, I couldn't imagine a subtler butler.

You'll completely captivate Mrs. Lurch with your savoir-faire.

Tish, when you speak French, you know how it affects me.

Later, mon cher, later, not now.

We have to get this thing settled.

Now, I'll be the maid and Mama will be the cook.

I will not!

Mama.

My schoolgirl complexion may have graduated,

but I'm not gonna get dish-pan hands for anyone.

I'll stay in the cottage till that woman leaves.

Excellent idea, Mama, and you can take the children with you.

Oh, that's a very good idea, dear.

Now, Uncle Fester,

you can be the gardener.

Forget it.

But, Uncle Fester, wouldn't you like

to potter around in the back yard,

maybe plant some crabgrass or stickweed?

I like the back yard just the way it is. Bare.

I'm gonna move out in the cottage with the others.

Well, I guess it'll just have to be the two of us.

Darling, we can do it.

Let's go tell Lurch and rehearse our roles.

There you are, madam.

Are you ready for your soup now, sir?

Ah, Cara bella!

Oh, Morticia, you're enchanting.

Thank you, kind sir.

Oh, darling, you make a superb butler.

It gives full play to your courtly Castilian manner.

Oh, Tish, you ravishing creature.

Darling, now, remember our new positions.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Is Lurch ready for his first lesson?

Yes, he's in the living room now.

Now, remember, darling, one ring is for you, two rings for me.

(GONG RESOUNDING)

Yeah.

That's me.

You rang?

You rang?

No, no, Lurch. You rang.

Oh, no, sir.

You rang for me because I'm your butler.

And I'm not "sir," I'm Gomez.

Now sit down.

Yes, sir.

G-Gomez.

Perhaps this will help.

A cigar gives a man that masterful feeling.

Have you ever smoked?

(GROANING)

You got a couple of bad leaks there, old man.

You better forget the cigars.

It's no use.

You can do it, Lurch. Just concentrate.

Think big. Think important.

Think that you are master of all you survey.

Think.

That's it. Splendid, Lurch. You got it.

Now ring for the maid and demand your breakfast.

(GONGING)

You rang?

Telephone, Gomez.

Yes, sir. I'll get it, sir.

Please, Lurch. I answer the phone.

(GROANING)

Your evening paper, sir.

No, no, Lurch, not the funnies.

The financial page.

Wealthy men always turn to the financial page first.

I like the funnies.

Very good, Lurch.

You actually sounded masterful then.

Now, as far as pinching the maid...

(GROANING)

Perhaps that would be carrying it a bit too far.

But I don't want your mother to become suspicious.

Perhaps you'd better just make eyes at me instead.

(GROANING)

Try it, Lurch.

Lurch, as mistress of this house,

I'm ordering you to make eyes at me.

Perhaps you'd better just try a devilish smile.

Forget it, Lurch. I'm just not your type.

(GROANING)

Your Cognac, sir.

I never drink.

Nonsense.

Gentlemen of quality always have a brandy after dinner.

It's a sign of sophistication and culture.

(GULPS)

(COUGHING)

Well, he just flunked sophistication.

Morticia.

Darling, what do you think?

Cousin Imar asked me to sew in his college seal.

Princeton.

Beautiful.

Morticia, we've done it.

Lurch just ordered me to shine his shoes.

That's wonderful.

He even reprimanded me this morning.

He said his toast wasn't black enough.

He's completely brainwashed.

(FOGHORN SOUNDING)

The doorbell. That may be his mama now.

It's Mama.

All right.

Now you let me open the door properly, Lurch.

You greet her right here.

How do you do?

Where's my boy?

Oh, there you are! Sonny.

Mama.

(GONG RESOUNDING)

There she goes again. That's me.

(GONG RESOUNDING)

Two rings. That's me.

(GONG RESOUNDING)

Three blasts. It's an all-out command performance this time.

Let's wait till she makes up her mind.

(GONG RESOUNDING)

Sonny, I don't know how you put up with such miserable servants.

They're never around when you want them.

She really is a little cyclone.

Not at all what I expected Lurch's mother to be like.

I haven't sat down since she got here.

(GROANING)

What is it, darling?

I'm all kinked up from last night, sleeping on the divan.

Oh.

I miss our nice, big bed.

Well, I suppose she was right in saying

that Lurch should have the master bedroom.

After all, she does think he's the master of the house.

Well, at least you slept on Lurch's bed in the attic.

She's really quite insensitive for such a dear little thing.

Do you know she hates Pugsley's octopus?

Anyone who'd hate an octopus is warped.

She even tried to feed it to Cleopatra.

That's inhuman.

I rescued them just in time.

(GONG RESOUNDING)

Let's call off this whole mad charade.

Oh, darling, please be patient.

It's only for a few more days.

You'd better go to her now

before she rings the house down.

Oh, Tish, when you help me with my coat it goes right through me.

It's impossible.

What's impossible?

That blondes have more fun.

(GONG RESOUNDING)

You rang?

I don't trust you, Gomez, you've got shifty eyes

and no good butler wears a moustache.

Sorry, madam, I was born with it.

Where have you been off to?

Some dark corner with that hussy of a maid?