A-ha!

GOMEZ: Caught in the act.

Gomez, darling, you startled me.

What a thing for a husband to see.

On the day when an old suitor is coming to visit,

he finds his wife striving to make herself even more beautiful.

Darling, Lionel Barker was not an old suitor.

He's just a childhood friend.

Yet when you got his letter, your eyes lit up like candles in a cave.

You need be jealous of no one.

I've been yours since that first day

you carved my initials in your leg.

And I have been yours since the day I first saw you riding

sidesaddle on a buffalo.

Querido.

Querida.

Then you don't mind that I plan to ask Lionel to be our houseguest?

Not at all. I want him to see what a lovely home we have.

Would you like to see what I've done with the guest room?

Delighted.

Though it may give me a twinge.

(GROANS)

Charming, absolutely charming.

I knew you'd be pleased.

Mmm-hmm.

How did you ever think of all these homey little touches?

Just a knack.

Oh, will you look at that?

(CAWING)

This mattress, it's harder than ours.

No mattress, silly.

Natural wood. Knotty pine.

Superb.

Do you really think Lionel will like it?

If he's a man of taste, and I'm sure he is.

Uh, look, Lionel, you think it's worth it?

Going into that creep joint, I mean.

As I remember this Morticia dame,

she's even spookier than this house.

I know they got dough, lots of it, and we need some now.

What're you gonna give them?

That uranium stock spiel?

I have a feeling they're more the phony oil stock type.

Now, wait here and keep your fingers crossed, Charlie.

(FOGHORN SOUNDING)

Yes?

Uh, I...

Mrs. Addams is expecting me.

I'm Lionel Barker.

Follow me.

You're the butler?

Lurch, sir.

Lurch.

(BRUNO GROWLING)

Pardon me.

Lionel?

Morticia!

Lionel, how good to see you.

You haven't changed a bit.

Except that she's married now.

Oh, this is my husband, Gomez Addams.

Lionel Barker.

You certainly married a wonderful girl, Mr. Addams.

Yes, a man so seldom gets the wife he deserves.

Yeah, yeah.

It's quite a place you have here.

As long as you're in town, it's your home.

Oh, no, really, I couldn't.

We insist. We'll send for your bags.

Uh, they're right outside.

I happened to bring them with me.

How fortunate. Darling.

(GONG RESOUNDING)

You rang?

Lurch, Mr. Barker's bags are outside.

Please take them to the guest room.

Perhaps our Mr. Barker would like to join us in a cup of tea.

Oh, that would be marvelous.

And we can chat about those glorious, gloomy days of our youth.

(SIGHING)

Those were the fun days.

Yes.

Do you remember the first time we met?

I was in the garden, playing with Hubert and Henery.

And you strolled by, and I asked you in.

And I said I'd come in if you got rid of Hubert and Henery.

MORTICIA: I never understood why.

They were such adorable vultures.

Just not my type, I guess.

Darling, I'm afraid we're leaving you out of the conversation.

Oh, you know how it is when old friends get together.

Excuse me, I have an urgent call to make.

Must you, dear? We'll miss you.

Oh, Mr. Barker will be able to amuse you while I'm gone.

Hope I didn't upset him.

Gomez?

Oh, dear Gomez.

There's not a jealous bone in his body.

"You know how it is when old friends get together."

Wonderful, wonderful.

Says we're gonna have a big storm tomorrow.

Uncle Fester, I'm baring my soul to you, and you just stand there

casually reading your newspaper, and last year's.

I've been trying to catch up on my reading.

This is the first quiet moment I've spent in this thing in days.

Mama practically lives in it.

You know something? She's getting selfish in her old age.

Fester, what am I going to do about Lionel?

Who's Lionel?

(GROANS)

Lionel?

Oh, I really had a case on you in those days.

Even wrote a poem about you.

Oh, yes, a very romantic one, if I remember correctly.

I've kept it with all my other treasures, down in the basement.

Pretty silly stuff, really.

I don't think so at all.

How did it go again?

LIONEL: "Morticia, you are the only one for me.

"I know I shall always want you for my very own."

Oh.

Can it be true, Uncle Fester? Can she actually be smitten with this Lionel?

Who's Lionel?

Fester.

Oh, that Lionel. Must be.

Just going off riding with him.

I engineered that so we could talk.

Well, still, forgetting to feed her plants.

Poor things, they're nearly starved.

They won't even let me feed them.

A hideous how do you do.

Why don't you throw him out?

I couldn't.

She would have thought that I was jealous.

Are you?

Of course.

It's gnawing at my insides, like a tiger gnawing at an antelope.

I wish it would stop. I'm beginning to enjoy it.

Well, you gotta get rid of him somehow.

I have a plan.

We'll make it so uncomfortable for him that he'll want to leave.

And I'll need your help.

You can count on me.

First, we rearrange his room.

Oh, brilliant!

Well, no use letting this go to waste.

Why doesn't she cook this for us?

(BIRD TWITTERING)

Ah, it's horrible, Gomez. Just horrible.

Yes, we've done a magnificent job.

It's more than any man could stand.

Lionel is going to run screaming into the night.

Feel this mattress.

Ecch.

Listen to this.

Just listen to that awful bird.

I can't stand it. Let's get out of here.

I can't wait till tomorrow morning at breakfast, just Morticia and me.

No Lionel.

That's the best breakfast I've had in days.

Gomez, darling, you haven't touched yours.

Oh, I've lost my appetite.

I must say, you folks are wonderful hosts.

Oh, that room.

That beautiful, soft, downy bed.

And that gorgeous canary singing me to sleep.

And those carnations.

In your room?

Y-Y-You really liked them?

Loved them.

Well, I must call my business associate.

Excuse me.

Oh, by the way, I, uh, I dabble in stocks

and I might be able to put you onto something good.

We'll discuss it a little later, okay?

(GRUNTS)

Gomez, I don't see how you could have done

such a terrible thing to our guest.

Yes, I do. You're jealous.

Me?

Jealous?

That's laughable.

No, no, Charlie. I'm not stalling.

I gotta give the guy the buildup.

Just sit tight and pretty soon we'll split a bundle.

Yeah, bye-bye.

You know, when I'm through here, Gomez,

you ought to stretch out for a while. Wonderful picker-upper.

I don't have time.

We must concoct another scheme to break up this romance.

I have it. A diversionary tactic.

Another woman.

Oh, that's good. You mean to come between him and Morticia, huh?

Right. A seductive creature with an irresistible allure.

Now, where can we find one?

How about Grandmama?

You know, the merry widow.

No, Grandmama prefers taller men.

But she is the type we want.

Maybe we could get my old sweetheart, Queenie.

No, she'd never leave the circus.

Those bearded ladies make a fortune.

If only he hadn't seen Lurch.

You know, he'd be ideal in a wig and a dress.

If only Lurch were a maid instead of a butler.

That's it. A maid.

I'll hire a maid from an employment agency.

I'll insist on one who is interested in getting married.

Hmm, good.

Right this way, Miss... What is your name?

Mildred, sir.

Gee, this place is sort of spooky.

Thank you.

Now, about your duties...

Oh, no. I'm not staying.

I think I can change your mind, miss.

You don't have that much money.

But I do have a houseguest.

A dashing young bachelor who would find you most attractive.

A man, sir?

The kind who needs a wife. In fact, he is seeking one desperately,

and it could be you.

Well, this isn't such a bad place after all.

Your room is right in there.

A-ha.

Well, Uncle Fester, it looks like we have a winner.

A knockout.

Those tiny eyes shining through her glasses.

And did you notice the way her knees knock together?

Uncle Fester, at your age.

I've still got an eye for beauty.

By tomorrow, Lionel will be her slave.

Is there anything I could bring you, sir?

No, no.

Tea or coffee? Milk? Vegetable juice?

No, no, no and no.

What's the matter with you, anyway?

You followed me all over the place last night.

When I turned in, I looked under the bed

to make sure you weren't there.

Now there you go again.

She's not making much progress.

Too shy.

Oh, I'll light it for you, sir.

That does it.

This girl needs instruction in the art of love from an expert.

You?

In my younger days, I had women eating out of my hand.

A bit messy, wasn't it?

You're simply too timid. You've got to move in on him.

You mean chase him?

I mean catch him.

Grab him in your arms, like this.

And pour out your heart.

No longer can I hide my feelings, my love.

Give me your lips.

(GASPS)

There, have you got it now?

Where is Lionel? Which way did he go?

Never mind. I'll find him.

(SOBBING)

Oh, thank you, Thing.

I'm sorry to make a spectacle of myself, Thing.

But my world has come down around my ears.

There's another woman.

No, it's true, there is.

I know you can be blase about it.

You've never been married.