Yeah.

有。

Sorry.

對不起。

Yeah.

算了。

Virginia and I met in middle school.

我和 Virginia 在初中認識。

Our relationship was basically, she was someone that I picked on.

我們當時的關係就是…她只是我隨機挑上的。

I was a bully to Virginia.

當時我是霸凌 Virginia 的人。

So, my first encounter with bullying, I guess with her, probably was around fifth grade.

我第一次被霸凌，我想應該是她，那時候大概是五年級吧！

I think I said nasty things about how much she weighed.

我都會針對她的體重口出惡言。

The kids I went to school with in elementary and middle school, we all lived in the same neighborhood.

我在小學和中學認識的小朋友都是住在同一個社區。

So, I wouldn't come outside most of the time because most of the kids that kind of were mean to me lived in my neighborhood.

因為這樣我幾乎都不太出門，因為大部分同一個社區的小孩都對我很刻薄。

I can't say that I really had any friends back then.

我其實也沒有什麼朋友挺我。

I was a bit underweight.

我當時有點過輕。

I had eyeglasses.

頂著一副眼鏡。

I went through seven years of orthodontic work.

而且戴了近七年的矯正牙套。

I was picked on for that, and so I would project it onto her for being overweight.

我曾經因此被找碴，所以我也就把這些投射到她身上並針對她身體過重。

Do you have any questions for Nyasha?

有沒有什麼問題想要問 Nyasha？

I guess the main question would just be, why now?

一個重要的問題，為什麼現在要道歉？

As selfish as it sounds, I don't wanna feel guilty for something that my childhood self was doing.

這樣聽起來感覺很自私，但我不想對自己小時候所做的事再感到愧疚。

- Hi. - Hi.

- 嗨！- 嗨！

How are you?

最近怎麼樣？

I'm good, how are you?

很好，你呢？

I'm good.

很好。

You look good.

看起來不錯。

Thank you.

謝謝。

So do you.

你也是。

What do you remember about me from grade school?

你對我在小學時期有什麼印象？

You always were so bubbly, I remember that.

我記得感覺你很活潑外向。

I don't know.

其他我也不知道了。

What do you remember about me?

那你對我有什麼印象？

I remember more of what I said about you and I don't...

我比較記得的是我對你說過的話，而我不…

I know a lot of the, I guess, the words, the harsh words were more about my appearance.

我知道，有大部分難聽的話都是針對我的外表。

I remember I was picking on you about your weight.

我記得我一直刁難挑剔你的體重。

Nobody noticed the shift, but my grandmother passed away when I was in middle school, and she used to take medicine for cancer, and it made her gain a lot of weight because she wasn't really worried about how big she was.

其實沒有什麼人發現我的改變，我外婆在我中學時期離開。當時她因為癌症要一直吃藥，也因此她並沒有很在意體型上的變化，導致她變胖了很多。

I kind of stopped worrying about how big I got.

所以當時的我也沒有在意自己的體型。

People just kept bothering me, and I think the major question was just, why me?

其他人就一直針對我，我會想：「為什麼是我？」

I felt like I was always very nice to you and very nice to everybody else, so it just, it bothered me because it was just like what did I ever do to you all for me to even be subjected to that?

我覺得那時候我對你、對其他人也很好，所以一直有一個困擾就是我到底對你們做了什麼而要讓我承受這一切？

I was underweight, and I was taking medicine to be a healthy weight, and so I was projecting that on you and I don't think that I even had any problem with the way you looked or your weight at all.

那時候我的體重過輕，我要吃藥讓自己達到健康的體重，所以我當時把心情投射到你的身上，甚至其實並沒有覺得你的身材或體重有什麼問題。

Why didn't you stop?

那你為什麼沒有停止這件事？

I was being bullied, and so I knew it was wrong, you know?

我曾經被霸凌過，我也知道這是不對的，你知道嗎？

I didn't want that done to me, but yet, I turn around and was doing it to other people.

我不想這件事發生在我身上，但我卻轉過頭來對別人如此。

I had no idea you were being bullied, either.

我不知道你曾經被霸凌過。

It's funny you thought that I was very bubbly and friendly because I was wearing this like, I wear it better now and more honest about my feelings, but I was definitely wearing a facade.

你覺得我很活潑友善這件事還蠻有趣的，可能因為我當時的打扮，當然我現在的打扮比較好，也可能因為我更坦誠面對自己的感受，但其實那只是我的假象。

Right.

對。

I'd go home, cry about it, come back and be all like, ne ne ne ne ne ne ne.

我回家會為了這些事而大哭，然後在大家面前又變得吱吱喳喳。

Mm hm.

嗯哼。

And then I'd pick on people that I felt like weren't gonna pick back with me.

我只好去刁難別人，因為我不想別人刁難我。

Right.

沒錯。

It's not you, I mean it wasn't just you, so I'm not gonna sit here and give you all of that.

不是你，我是說也不只是你，所以我也不想要坐以待斃。

Did you ever feel, like when you were being bullied that you wanted to take your own life?

你有曾經想過，當你被霸凌的時候有想過要結束自己的生命嗎？

Yeah.

有。

Sorry.

對不起。

Yeah.

沒關係。

It was definitely a thought.

只是一個念頭。

This is probably the first time I've ever said it out loud.

這是我第一次說出來。

Well, probably the second time I've ever said it out loud but, yeah.

應該是算第二次說出來吧！

I can't say that I hadn't thought about it.

不得不承認我曾經有過這樣的念頭。

It's such a sad thing to think about.

這畢竟是件難過的事。

Wait, you said you thought about this too?

等一下，你說你也曾經想過？

Uh, Yes.

對。

Just short answer, yes.

簡單來說，有。

I was insecure for a long time about my weight, about my appearance, about the way I dress.

我長期對自己的體重、外表還有打扮都很沒有自信。

It took a long time for me to kind of like me.

我花了很常的時間去找回自己。

The more I'm listening to you, the more I feel like, yeah.

現在我愈是去了解你，我發現…

We had a lot in common.

其實我們有很多共通點。

It'd take a lot for me to really hate you.

我當時真的很討厭你。

I didn't feel like I hated you then.

後來也沒有這麼討厭你。

I don't feel like I hate you now.

感覺現在不會討厭你。

And it took a long time for me to say, even though I haven't said it to you, that I forgive you for that.

其實也花了我很長一段時間去想，即使我沒有對你說過，但我已經原諒你以前所做的事。

- It was a lot to deal with... - I'm sorry.

- 有很多要面對的… - 對不起！

It's okay.

沒關係。

It was a lot to deal with ,and I just wanted to move on from it.

有很多要調適之餘，我也想要繼續往前走。

I've never actually had something like that happen to me before.

我以前沒有做過這樣的事。

I definitely did not expect for Virginia and I to have so much in common.

我絕對沒有想過我和 Virginia 竟然有這麼多共通點。

It felt good, just to kinda close a sorta chapter in my life that was pretty sucky.

感覺很好，感覺終於可以把我人生中頗糟糕的一頁徹底地翻過去了。

I know, it's okay!

我知道，過去了！

Even if you didn't let me, I was gonna hug you.

就算你拒絕，我也要抱你一下。

Oh my god, no.

天啊，不要！

Yes.

來啦！

Yes.

來啦！

You're like, I was gonna hug you anyway because I don't care.

你就像，我不管怎麼樣都要抱到你。