♪♪♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. IT IS REALLY GREAT TO BE HOSTING

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," I GOT TO TELL YOU.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I'M HERE TO PROMOTE MY MOVIE

"TWILIGHT" WHICH THIS WEEK HAS BEEN ON iTUNES FOR EIGHT YEARS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] CHECK IT OUT.

I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS TO BE HOSTING BECAUSE, I KNOW THE

PRESIDENT'S PROBABLY WATCHING. [ LAUGHTER ]

I DON'T THINK HE LIKES ME THAT MUCH.

HERE'S HOW I KNOW. FOUR YEARS AGO THIS GUY I WAS

DATING THIS GUY NAMED ROB. ROBERT.

WE BROKE UP AND THEN WE GOT BACK TOGETHER, AND FOR SOME REASON IT

MADE DONALD TRUMP GO INSANE. [ LAUGHTER ]

HERE'S WHAT HE ACTUALLY TWEETED AND THIS IS REAL.

"ROBERT PATTINSON SHOULD NOT DATE KRISTEN STEWART BECAUSE SHE

CHEATED ON HIM LIKE A DOG AND WILL DO IT AGAIN.

JUST WATCH. YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER."

[ LAUGHTER ] NO, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

RIGHT? THAT'S SO CRAZY, THE PRESIDENT

TWEETED ABOUT YOU ONCE. NO, THE PRESIDENT TWEETED ABOUT

ME 11 TIMES. [ LAUGHTER ]

HE ALSO SAID, "EVERYONE KNOWS I'M RIGHT THAT ROBERT PATTINSON

SHOULD DUMP KRISTEN STEWART. IN A COUPLE YEARS HE WILL THANK

ME. BE SMART, ROBERT."

[ LAUGHTER ] I KNOW.

THEN ONE DAY LATER HE TWEETED, "EVERYONE'S ASKING ME TO SPEAK

MORE ON ROBERT AND KRISTEN AND I DON'T REALLY HAVE TIME EXCEPT TO

SAY, ROBERT, DROP HER, SHE CHEATED ON YOU AND SHE'LL DO IT

AGAIN." [ LAUGHTER ]

OKAY. TO BE FAIR, I DON'T THINK

DONALD TRUMP HATED ME. I THINK HE'S IN LOVE WITH MY

BOYFRIEND. BECAUSE HE ALSO TWEETED THIS.

"MISS UNIVERSE 2012 PAGEANT WILL BE AIRING LIVE ON NBC AND

TELEMUNDO DECEMBER 19th. OPEN INVITE.

STANDS FOR ROBERT PATTINSON." [ LAUGHTER ]

SO YEAH, THAT IS CRAZY. RIGHT?

THE PRESIDENT IS NOT A HUGE FAN OF ME.

BUT THAT IS SO OKAY. AND DONALD, IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE

ME NOW, YOU'RE REALLY PROBABLY NOT GOING TO LIKE ME NOW.

BECAUSE I'M HOSTING "SNL" AND I'M LIKE SO GAY, DUDE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] BUT I HAVE TO SAY, IT IS REALLY,

REALLY AWESOME TO BE HERE. I'M SURE MAYBE SOME OF YOU ARE

SURPRISED THAT I'M HOSTING BECAUSE YOU THINK I'M TOO COOL

OR SCHOOL OR SOMETHING -- >> HELL YEAH, KRISTEN.

I'M TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL TOO, I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT THIS SHOW.

>> REALLY? YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT IT?

>> YEAH, I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE ON IT, RIGHT?

I JUST WANT TO BE LIKE YOU, RIGHT?

SLEEP ALL DAY, PARTY ALL NIGHT. >> YEAH, THAT'S COOL.

THAT SOUNDS COOL. I DON'T REALLY DO THAT, THOUGH.

I WORKED ON FIVE MOVIES LAST YEAR.

ONE OF THEM'S CALLED "PERSONAL SHOPPER," YOU SHOULD CHECK IT

OUT. I DIRECTED A SHORT FILM THAT

PREMIERED AT SUNDANCE, WHICH WAS FUN.

>> HUH. THEY DID SUNDANCE THIS YEAR?

[ LAUGHTER ] >> YEAH, DUDE, THEY DO IT EVERY

YEAR, IT'S A THING. >> HA, OKAY.

THAT'S WEIRD BECAUSE I SENT THEM A BUNCH OF LITTLE MOVIES, THEY

SAID THEY WEREN'T DOING IT THIS YEAR.

OKAY. [ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HEY, YOU SEEN MY HOG?

IT'S PRETTY COOL, I GUESS, BUT WHO FRICKIN' CARES?

>> NO, I SEE THAT. THAT'S AWESOME.

WHAT KIND OF MOTORCYCLE IS THAT? IT'S COOL.

>> IT'S A BIG BLACK ONE. [ LAUGHTER ]

WHO EVEN CARES, RIGHT? ALL I CARE ABOUT IS SEX.

YEAH, I'M NEVER NOT DOING IT. I HAVE SEX EVERY SINGLE DAY.

>> YEAH, YEAH, SURE. >> EVERY DAY.

>> UM -- I THINK THAT'S REALLY HEALTHY.

THAT'S A GOOD CHOICE. YOU GUYS DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS,

THOUGH. JUST TO MAKE ME THINK YOU'RE

COOL. BECAUSE I THINK YOU GUYS ARE SO

AWESOME. IT'S A DONE DEAL.

>> OH THANK GOD. >> YEAH, THANK YOU.

BECAUSE I HAVE SEX ONCE A WEEK ON SUNDAYS RIGHT BEFORE DINNER

AND THAT'S IT. [ LAUGHTER ]

>> ACTUALLY, THAT IS MORE HEALTHY, A REALLY GOOD CHOICE.

WE'VE GOT A GOOD SHOW AND I TOTALLY CARE THAT I'M HERE

BECAUSE IT'S THE COOLEST -- [ EXPLETIVE ] I'M SORRY AND

ALESSIA CARA IS ALSO HERE AND I'LL NEVER COME BACK.

STICK AROUND!