I HAD A GOOD WEEKEND.

WE DID A LOT OF STUFF THIS

WEEKEND.

BUT I HAVE TO SAY, EVEN THOUGH I

WAS HAVING A PERFECTLY GOOD TIME

THIS WEEKEND AT ONE POINT I

WISHED I COULD COME IN TO WORK

AND GO STRAIGHT ONTO THE AIR

BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP -- YOU KNOW

THAT GUY?

OKAY.

OUR PRESIDENT DONALD JUMANJI

TRUMP ON FRIDAY SAID SOMETHING

THAT MIGHT TOP OFF ALL THE

THINGS HE SAID.

THE BEST WORDS, STABLE GENIUS,

COVFEFE, ALL OF THEM MAY PALE

COMPARED TO WHAT HE SHARED ON

FRIDAY AT THE WHITE HOUSE'S

SMALL BUSINESS ROUND TABLE

EVENT.

>> WE HAVE A SITUATION WHERE

WE'RE LOOKING VERY STRONGLY AT

SINKS AND SHOWERS.

AND OTHER ELEMENTS OF BATHROOMS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHERE YOU TURN THE FAUCET ON AND

IN AREAS WHERE THERE'S

TREMENDOUS AMOUNTS OF WATER

WHERE THE WATER RUSHES OUT TO

SEA BECAUSE YOU COULD NEVER

HANDLE IT.

AND YOU DON'T GET ANY WATER.

YOU TURN ON THE FAUCET AND YOU

DON'T GET ANY WATER.

THEY TAKE A SHOWER AND WATER

COMES DRIPPING OUT.

IT'S DRIPPING OUT VERY QUIETLY

DRIPPING OUT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

PEOPLE ARE FLUSHING TOILETS 10

TIMES, 15 TIMES AS OPPOSED TO

ONCE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jimmy: 15 TIMES?

WHAT ARE YOU EATING?

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE ONLY TIME YOU FLUSH A TOILET

15 TIMES IS IF THE D.E.A. IS

BANGING ON YOUR DOOR AND YOU

HAVE A KILO OF COCAINE UP YOU.

THAT'S NOT NORMAL.

HE INSTRUCTED THE HEAD OF THE

EPA TO LOOK INTO THIS.

CAN YOU IMAGINE?

YOU'RE THE HEAD OF THE

ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY.

YOU GET A CALL FROM THE

PRESIDENT COMPLAINING ABOUT THE

WATER PRESSURE IN HIS TOILET.

THIS IS LIKE IF HE CALLED THE

DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE TO

HAVE THEM REPLACE A DIVOT ON HIS

GOLF COURSE.

IT'S NUTS.

BUT APPARENTLY THIS IS A BIG

ISSUE FOR ANTI-REGULATION

CONSERVATIVES, AND TRUMP IS

EMBRACING IT.

HE EVEN HAS A NEW CAMPAIGN

SLOGAN.

DRAIN THE TOILET.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHICH NOW THAT THE SWAMP IS

EMPTY WHY NOT?

I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT FOR US TO

REMEMBER WE MAY NEVER SEE

ANYTHING LIKE THIS EVER AGAIN.

BUT THE PRESIDENT SPENT MUCH OF

THE WEEKEND THIS WEEKEND

DRAINING HIS CELL PHONE.

HE TWEETED 105 TIMES YESTERDAY.

THAT'S MORE THAN HE FLUSHED THIS

WEEKEND.

OKAY?

[ LAUGHTER ]

HE TWEETED, HE RETWEETED, AND HE

RETWEETED HIMSELF.

I ALMOST FEEL BAD FOR HIS

SUPPORTERS.

THEY HAD TO SPEND THE WHOLE DAY

TAPPING LIKE, LIKE, LIKE, LIKE,

LIKE.

AND NOT ONLY DID HE RETWEET, HE

RERETWEETED THIS PIECE OF WORK.

THIS PHOTOGRAPH OF HIS HEAD ON

SYLVESTER STALLONE'S BODY.

DO YOU THINK HE KNOWS THAT ISN'T

HIM?

DO YOU THINK MAYBE HE'S SO OUT

OF IT HE THINKS HE POSED FOR

THIS PICTURE?

[ LAUGHTER ]

TRUMP'S WEEK IS OFF TO A ROCKY

START TOO.

THERE WAS MORE TESTIMONY IN THE

HOUSE TODAY AS WE HEARD FROM

LAWYERS FOR THE LEFT AND RIGHT

WHO LAID OUT THEIR ARGUMENTS FOR

AND AGAINST IMPEACHMENT.

THE ATTORNEY FOR THE

REPUBLICANS, THIS GUY STEVE

CASTOR, HE WAS THE SAD-LOOKING

GENTLEMAN FROM THE HEARINGS A

COUPLE WEEKS AGO.

HE SHOWED UP.

IS IT A GOOD SIGN WHEN YOUR

LAWYER'S BRIEFCASE IS A GROCERY

SACK?

[ LAUGHTER ]

I WAS HOPING IT WAS FULL OF --

HE HAD NOTEBOOKS IN THERE AND A

LOST INCRIM

LOT OF INCRIMINATING KALE CHIPS.

REPUBLICANS TRIED TO MUCK THINGS

UP FROM THE GET-GO.

THEY STOPPED THE CHAIRMAN OF THE

HOUSE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE JERRY

NADLER A THOUSAND TIMES.

THE FIRST TIME WITHIN SECONDS OF

HIS OPENING REMARKS.

>> THE HOUSE COMMITTEE ON THE

JUDICIARY WILL COME TO ORDER.

WITHOUT OBJECTION THE CHAIR'S

AUTHORIZED TO DECLARE RECESSES

OF THE COMMITTEE --

>> OBJECT.

>> OBJECTION NOTED.

>> Jimmy: WE'RE OFF TO A FLYING

STOP.

THAT'S HOW THE WHOLE THING WENT.

THE REPUBLICANS -- THEY DON'T

REALLY HAVE A DEFENSE.

THE PLAN IS TO LAY DOWN AS MANY

PI

SPEED BUMPS AS POSSIBLE.

THE STRATEGY WAS TO RUN OUT THE

CLOCK WITH POINT OF ORDER AFTER

POINT OF ORDER.

>> POINT OF ORDER.

>> YOU MADE A RULING ON THE

POINT OF ORDER.

>> YOU MADE A RULING ON THE

POINT OF ORDER, MR. CHAIRMAN.

>> THE GENTLEMAN FROM GEORGIA --

>> POINT OF ORDER.

>> POINT OF ORDER.

>> MR. CHAIRMAN, YOU HAVE TO

RECOGNIZE --

>> THE GENTLEMAN WILL STATE HIS

POINT OF ORDER.

>> MR. CHAIRMAN, MY POINT OF

ORDER IS THIS.

IN THE PREVIOUS POINT OF ORDER

YOU RULED AGAINST HIS POINT OF

ORDER.

>> LU LET HIM FINISH HIS POINT

OF ORDER, PLEASE?

>> MAKE HIS POINT OF ORDER.

>> MY POINT OF ORDER IS THAT YOU

WERE OUT OF ORDER IN YOUR

RULING.

>> I MADE A POINT OF ORDER AND

YOU WON'T RULE ON IT.

>> I HAVE NOT HEARD A POINT OF

ORDER.

>> CHAIRMAN --

>> THE GENTLEMAN HAS A POINT OF

ORDER, STATE YOUR POINT OF

ORDER.

ZPLT POINT OF ORDER IS THIS.

>> THAT IS A POINT OF ORDER.

>> THAT IS NOT A POINT OF ORDER.

>> THAT IS NOT A POINT OF ORDER.

THE COMMITTEE IS IN ORDER.

>> WELL, WOULD YOU RULE ON MY

ORIGINAL POINT OF ORDER?

>> THAT IS NOT A POINT OF ORDER.

>> IT IS A POINT OF ORDER.

>> IT'S NOT A POINT OF ORDER.

[ SPEAKING SIMULTANEOUSLY ]

>> THAT'S MY POINT OF ORDER.

HE SHOULD NOT BE UP HERE.

>> IT'S NOT A POINT OF ORDER.

[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Jimmy: THIS WHOLE COURT IS

POINT OF ORDER!

IT WAS QUITE A DAY TODAY.

AND WITH ALL THIS ACRIMONY GOING

BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE

PARTIES THE WHITE HOUSE

SHOCKINGLY REACHED A DEAL WITH

HOUSE DEMOCRATS.

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH

IMPEACHMENT.

THAT'S HAPPENING.

THE DEAL IS THAT TRUMP WILL GET

TO CREATE HIS SPACE FORCE AND IN

EXCHANGE THE DEMOCRATS GET NEW

PARENTAL LEAVE BENEFITS FOR

FEDERAL WORKERS.

IT'S EXCITING.

NOW FEDERAL EMPLOYEES WILL BE

ABLE TO SPEND 12 WEEKS WITH

THEIR NEWBORN CHILDREN BEFORE

THEY ARE SHOT INTO OUTER SPACE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

OR I DON'T KNOW HOW IT WORKS

EXACTLY.

THIS MUST HAVE BEEN A TOUGH

NEGOTIATION FOR MIKE PENCE

BECAUSE ON THE ONE HAND HE

DESPERATELY WANTS TO BE OUR

SPACE COMMANDER BUT ON THE OTHER

HAND HE GETS A PANIC ATTACK

ANYTIME ANYONE MENTIONS FEMALE

REPRODUCTION.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT IT'S A RARE SIGN OF

COOPERATION BETWEEN PARTIES.

AND BELIEVE IT OR NOT, DONALD

TRUMP SUPPORTS PAID FAMILY

LEAVE.

YOU KNOW, HE PAID MARLA AND

IVANA TO LEAVE THE FAMILY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MEANWHILE, THE PRESIDENT'S

LAWYER, RUDY GIULIANI, HAS BEEN

PREPPING HIS OWN CASE IN

UKRAINE.

HE'S BEEN THERE.

TRUMP SAYS HE PLANS TO DELIVER A

REPORT BASED ON NEW INFORMATION

HE UNCOVERED THERE LAST WEEK.

GIULIANI HAS EXTENSIVE TIES TO

THE REGION, BOTH THROUGH HIS

LEGAL WORK AND HIS EXTENDED

FAMILY IN NEARBY TRANSYLVANIA.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND NOW ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS