I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

WE'VE SPENT A LOT OF TIME OVER THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS,

TALKING ABOUT TRUMP'S RACIST RHETORIC.

BUT THERE'S ONE RACE TRUMP DISLIKES MORE THAN ALL THE

OTHERS, AND THAT'S THE RACE FOR THE DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION.

( LAUGHTER ) I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN

TONIGHT'S "DOIN' IT DONKEY STYLE."

>> RAISE THE MINIMUM WAGE!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: THE NEXT DEMOCRATIC

DEBATE IS A MONTH AWAY, AND ONLY EIGHT CANDIDATES HAVE QUALIFIED

SO FAR.

EVERYONE ELSE IS GETTING DESPERATE TO BREAK THROUGH.

FOR INSTANCE, COLORADO SENATOR AND MAN WHO GOT CUT FROM THE

CIALIS COMMERCIAL FOR BEING TOO BORING, MICHAEL BENNET.

BENNET PUT OUT A PRETTY RADICAL CAMPAIGN PROMISE TUESDAY,

TWEETING, "IF YOU ELECT ME PRESIDENT, I PROMISE YOU WON'T

HAVE TO THINK ABOUT ME FOR TWO WEEKS AT A TIME."

( LAUGHTER ) WAAAAAY AHEAD OF YOU...

( LAUGHTER ) I WANT TO SAY... MITCHELL

BUCKET?

I'M NOT SURE.

BUT I HAVE TO SAY, I DO GET EXCITED ABOUT THE IDEA OF NOT

THINKING ABOUT THE PRESIDENT.

ALSO: NOT THINKING.

( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER CANDIDATE DESPERATE TO

APPEAL TO VOTERS IS TECH ENTREPRENEUR AND GUY KILLING ON

C.F.O. STAND-UP NIGHT, ANDREW YANG.

( LAUGHTER ) YESTERDAY, YANG UNVEILED A

SPOTIFY PLAYLIST OF HIS "FAVORITE JAMS," INCLUDING SUCH

HITS AS "DON'T YOU FORGET ABOUT ME."

WAIT, SORRY, THAT'S ACTUALLY HIS CAMPAIGN SLOGAN.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

( PIANO RIFF ) NOW, A FEW OF THOSE CANDIDATES

MIGHT END UP ON THE BALLOT.

BUT IN ONE STATE, DONALD TRUMP MIGHT NOT.

BECAUSE A NEW CALIFORNIA LAW REQUIRES PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES

TO RELEASE THEIR TAX RETURNS IN ORDER TO APPEAR ON THE PRIMARY

BALLOT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WOW.

WOW.

THAT'S PRETTY INCREDIBLE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WE'RE GOING TO SEE EVERYONE'S TAX RETURNS.

SO WE'LL FINALLY FIND OUT IF MARIANNE WILLIAMSON WRITES OFF

HER DREAMCATCHER AS A MEDICAL EXPENSE.

( LAUGHTER ) ON TUESDAY, TRUMP AND THE

REPUBLICAN PARTY SUED CALIFORNIA OVER THE LAW, CALLING IT "A

NAKED POLITICAL ATTACK AGAINST THE SITTING PRESIDENT OF THE

UNITED STATES."

(AS TRUMP) "IT'S A NAKED ATTACK.

AND NOT THE GOOD KIND,LIKE BARGIN' IN ON THE MISS TEEN

U.S.A. DRESSING ROOM."

( AUDIENCE REACTS ) "AND I WANT TO REMIND YOU, THIS

IS ME DONALD TRUMP TALKING, NOT STEPHEN COLBERT.

STEPHEN THINKS THAT'S TERRIBLE.

I, DONALD TRUMP, THINK IT WAS FUN ."

( LAUGHTER ) PLUS, CALIFORNIA DIDN'T NAME

TRUMP IN THEIR LAW, SO TRUMP SUING THEM IS A WEIRD SELF-OWN.

(AS GUY AT P.T.A. MEETING) "GUYS, THIS NEW PTA RULE THAT

YOU CAN'T SNEAK A LUKEWARM COCKTAIL OF VODKA AND CRYSTAL

LITE INTO MEETINGS INSIDE YOUR WATER BOTTLE IS A CLEAR ATTACK

AGAINST MY WIFE.

SHE WILL TELL YOU THAT HERSELF AS SOON AS SHE WAKES UP!"

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: APPLAUDING EITHER FOR VODKA OR CRYSTAL LIGHT.

I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE.

( LAUGHTER ) THE G.O.P. SUIT CLAIMS THAT THIS

NEW LAW VIOLATES THE U.S.

CONSTITUTION BY CREATING AN EXTRA REQUIREMENT TO RUN FOR

PRESIDENT.

BUT THAT'S NOT TRUE.

THERE ARE ALREADY ALL SORTS OF OTHER REQUIREMENTS TO GET ONTO

STATE BALLOTS.

IN ALABAMA, CANDIDATES HAVE TO GET AT LEAST 350 SIGNATURES.

IN IDAHO, CANDIDATES HAVE TO PAY A FILING FEE.

AND IN FLORIDA, CANDIDATES HAVE TO GET THEIR PETITIONS NOTARIZED

BY A LICENSED METH ADDICT ALLIGATOR.

( LAUGHTER ) AND ALBERT GATOR, I BELIEVE IS

HIS NAME.

( APPLAUSE ) RIGHT NOW -- WHAT IS THIS?

WHAT IS THIS?

HOW MANY, 50 YEARS INTO THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY?

JUST TWO AND A HALF YEARS.

WHOO!

TWO AND A HALF YEARS.

SOMEONE TELL MY MIRROR.

TWO AND HALF YEARS INTO THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY, AND PRESIDENT

TRUMP SAYS SO MANY STUPID THINGS, IT'S EASY TO FORGET A

FEW.

LIKE THE TIME HE SAID HE GOT BIGGER CROWDS THAN JAY-Z.

OR THE TIME HE SAID VENEZUELANS WERE ALL DESCENDED FROM INBRED

CONQUISTADORS.

OR THE TIME HE SAID WINDMILLS CAUSE CANCER.

OKAY, I MADE ONE OF THOSE UP, BUT AT THIS POINT, DOES IT

MATTER WHICH ONE?

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

JAY-Z, YEAH -- BIGGER CROWD THAN JAY-Z.

>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH.

>> Stephen: ANYWAY, HE MAKES A LOT OF WEIRD CLAIMS,

SO IT'S UNDERSTANDABLE IF YOU FORGOT THIS ONE, FROM A COUPLE

OF YEARS AGO, ABOUT THE PRICE OF BUYING A NEW "AIR FORCE ONE."

>> THEY WERE CLOSE TO SIGNING A $4.2 BILLION DEAL TO HAVE A NEW

AIR FORCE ONE.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

I SAID NO WAY.

I SAID I REFUSE TO FLY IN A $4.2 BILLION AIRPLANE.

WE'VE GOT THAT PRICE DOWN OVER A BILLION DOLLARS.

WE SAVE A LOT OF MONEY ON AIR FORCE 1.

$1.4 BILLION WE SAVED.

I WAS ABLE TO SAVE $1.5 BILLION.

WE ADDED THINGS AND I GOT 1.6 BILLION OFF.

>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "I SAVED $1.6 BILLION, GOT THEM

TO WAIVE THE CARRY-ON BAGGAGE FEE, AND AS LONG AS HE WEARS A

VEST, I CAN BRING STEPHEN MILLER AS MY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT RACIST."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

SO HOW DID TRUMP GET THE PRICE OF AIR FORCE ONE SO LOW?

WELL, APPARENTLY, INSTEAD OF BUILDING NEW PLANES, HE FOUND

CHEAP 747'S THAT WERE OWNED BY A RUSSIAN AIRLINE.

AH-HA!

SO NOW, THE UNITED STATES HAS SOMETHING RUSSIA USED AND

DISCARDED... AND HE IS BUYING THEIR OLD AIRPLANES.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

STILL, IF THE PRESIDENT REALLY DID SAVE THE TAXPAYERS OVER A

BILLION DOLLARS, HE DESERVES A ROUND OF APPLAUSE.

BUT HE DOESN'T, BECAUSE HE DIDN'T.

IT TURNS OUT THE COST OF TRUMP'S NEW AIR FORCE ONE HAS

SKYROCKETED NEARLY $2 BILLION MORE THAN THE ORIGINAL ESTIMATE.

OH, GREAT, SO INSTEAD OF SAVING US A BILLION, IT'S COSTING US

TWO BILLION?

EVIDENTLY, TRUMP MISTAKENLY USED THE "ONE FOR THE PRICE OF TWO!"

COUPON.