Look, I'm going to swear in this episode

警告，這一集粗話滿滿

Buckle up

兒童不宜

I've been agonizing over how to properly convey the terribleness of this movie

我糾結了許久，不知道如何表達這部電影的垃圾感

And I think I got it

最後我決定

I'm going to show you one verse

我要給你播一句

Just ONE VERSE

就一句

Of its theme song...

主題曲

Ready?

預備備！

"Into Into Into Showbiz"

“逐夢逐夢逐夢演藝”

"Biz Biz"

“圈圈”

"Biz Biz Biz Biz"

“圈圈圈圈”

"Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz"

“圈圈圈圈圈圈”

"Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz"

“圈圈圈圈圈圈圈圈”

"Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz"

“圈圈圈圈圈圈圈圈圈圈”

"Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz Biz"

“圈圈圈圈圈圈圈圈圈圈圈圈”

The whole f**king song is like this!

整首歌都是這個X蛋畫風

For those of you who are unaware

如果你沒聽說過

Pure Hearts: Into Chinese Showbiz is widely regarded as one of the worst Chinese movies

《純潔心靈：夢逐演藝圈》是公認中國電影銀幕史上

To ever grace the silver screen

最差作品之一

Of nearly 88,000 votes on Chinese review site, Douban

在中國影評網站豆瓣上，近88,000個打分裏

96% of them gave this movie a one star rating

96％的人給了這部電影一顆星

It has a 1 star out of 10 on IMDb!

IMDb上也是1星（滿分10星）！

Look at that damn poster!!

還有那奇葩海報！

Sigh...

歎……

Needless to say, this movie became an Internet sensation in China

毫無意外，這部電影網上爆紅

Not in a "so-bad-it's-good" sort of way

但不是那種“爛得好看”的爆紅

"Anyway, how's your sex life"

“對了，你的性生活怎麽樣”

But rather, everyone despises this movie

而是，全世界人都在鄙視它的爆紅

From the film itself

鄙視電影本身

To the drama behind the scene

鄙視幕後八卦

And everything it stands for

鄙視作品背後的一切

But I don't want to just make fun of this movie

但我不想單純取笑這部電影

Plenty of channels already did that

很多頻道早就把它笑到體無完膚

And comedy is not why you are here

再說，你也不是來聽我搞笑的

You want a video essay

你想要電影分析，對吧？

So I'm gonna dig into this pile of sh*t with my bare hands

那我就徒手挖shi

To show you how and why this movie is so bad

給你好好分析，為什麽這部電影不僅爛

And so offensive

還爛得讓人反感

Welcome, to the worst Chinese movie ever made

一起來看，中國史上最爛電影

Let's start with the writing...

《異聲影院》第31期： 中國史上最爛電影

If you can call it writing

先從劇情開始談吧

Pure Hearts: Into Chinese Showbiz tells the story of a class in an acting school

雖然這麽說有辱“劇情”二字

And everyone's struggles and sacrifices in the pursuit of their dream career

《純潔心靈》講述了表演學校裏一個班級的故事

And by everyone, I mean EVERYONE!

集中描述班上每個人在追求夢想路上的奮鬥與犧牲

The film has whooping 11 plotlines

我說的班上每個人，還真的就是每個人！

One minute we see this girl

這部電影有整整11條劇情線

Whom I'll name "Purity" (you'll know why later)

這一分鍾裏，我們看到這個女孩

Having a crush on his teacher

暫時現叫她“純潔”好了（往後你就明白了）

"I have never fallen in love with anybody"

她暗戀著自己的老師

"But it so happens"

“我從來沒有喜歡過誰”

"That I seem to have a strange feeling on Mr. Wen"

“可是我竟然對文老師”

Next minute, we are looking at these two "Chads"

“有一種別樣的感覺”

Walking around, hitting on girls

鏡頭一轉，出現了這兩個“猛男”

That's all we know about them, by the way

四處撩妹

No, as in, for the rest of the movie

這就是他們的劇情

And a minute later, two "Stacys" show up

不不，他們往後就沒劇情了

And start talking about how they date older rich men

鏡頭再一轉，兩個“辣妹”出現

To get ahead in life

開始談論他們如何和有錢阿叔約會

Not to mention the dance sequences

借此成名

Yeah, dance sequence

這中間還有舞蹈

Uncomfortable yet?

對，舞蹈！

The movie has no structure

看的難受不？

Summarizing it is practically impossible

這電影壓根就沒架構

But I'm going to try anyway

我也不知道該怎麽寫大綱

The main story, I think...

不過我還是試試看吧

Is about the teacher

我覺得吧，這主要的劇情

Played by the writer-director--

發生在老師身上

(Are you f**king surprised?)

老師，當然由導演本人扮演

His girlfriend leaves him one night

（用膝蓋都能猜出來）

Because he's a failed artist and poor

一天晚上，就因為他是個窮藝術家

"Also, that's actually not my home"

他女友選擇了和他分手

"Only a leased apartment"

“那還不是家”

To gain back her love

“是租的！”

The teacher decides to, what else, make a movie with his students

為了挽回她的愛

In the process of funding his project

老師決定和學生們拍一部電影

Multiple of his students were sexually harassed and assaulted

而在籌集資金的過程中

By perverted directors and producers

他的多個學生被色狼導演和制作人

...Of course

所性騷擾和侵犯

So it's pretty much a story of him saving his students

（膝蓋都能猜到）

Sprinkled with unrelated plotlines

所以整體劇情吧，就是他各種營救學生

Like this "Pretty Boy" getting into a relationship with a sugar mama

中間在穿插一些無關痛癢的劇情線

Or this "Good Boy" losing his legs in a car accident

例如“小白臉”被富婆包養

And that's it, that's the entire character arc

或者“好孩子”慘失雙腿

He shows up twice in the movie

這個角色就只有這個劇情

Once to establish him as a lone son in a poor single parent household

他在電影中出現了兩次

Then he comes back later in the movie to lose his legs

第一次出現，他旁白了自己是一個窮苦單親家庭的獨生子

Trust me, there is just about as much info in my narration

第二次出現，腿沒了

As in the movie

真的，我旁白裏的信息，和電影給的信息

Because, let's get to the heart of the problem here

差不了多少

The movie is just a quick amalgamation of tropes

因為，我們就單刀直入吧

Forbidden love between a teacher and a student

這電影劇情全都不過是老套路

Sexual bribery

師生戀

The starving artist

性賄賂

The Tragedy

窮藝術家

Sugar mama

悲劇

Mobsters

包養

Perverted Director

黑社會

Perverted Producers

變態導演

Rape

鹹濕制作人

Suicide

強奸

These are not stories

自殺

They are sh*t that the director finds fascinating

這些都不是故事

And inserted into the movie with no care whatsoever

這是導演覺得有趣的bi事

The movie has no interest in further exploring these topics

于是強行插入的要素

The forbidden love bothers no one whatsoever

電影壓根沒興趣探討這些話題

The sexual bribery takes Stacey zero seconds to make the commitment

師生戀沒有萌芽

Suicide comes and goes with no ill effects on the characters

性賄賂也沒有讓辣妹有一分糾結

The director has nothing to say about any of these things

自殺的抉擇對角色影響微乎其微

How could he?

導演根本就沒有想要表達的東西

There are overused tropes from popular media

畢竟

Digested versions of stories from other films and TV shows

這些都是用爛了的老套路

It is not the director's personal experience

別人都消化完了的冷飯

As a result, the characters and events are detached from reality

這不是導演的個人經曆

The film has no nuance or genuine emotion

于是，人事物與現實不接軌

It doesn't want to ask the hard questions

電影沒有真實的感情

It is not interested in the substance of good movies

作品根本不想面對這些問題

It just wants to... LOOK like other good movies

這部作品只追求看起來像大片

All it wants

對好電影的本質並不在意

Is to keep up an image

它想要的

Keep that in mind as we go forward

就是一個大片外表

When a movie is recognized as bad

記住這一點

It's more often than not aesthetically bad

一部電影被認為是爛片的時候

And that's the fun part

爛的往往是畫面

I mean, how do you come to the conclusion that this looks good?

而爛畫面也是最有趣的地方

But if we take what we learn from our discussion on the film's writing

說真的，到底是誰覺得這電影畫面能及格？

Suddenly, this film's questionable aesthetic choices

但是，聯系之前我們談到的點

Make a lot more sense

突然間，這部電影的醜陋美學

Let's start with the title screen

就開始合理了

Gold...

先從標題開始說吧

And diamond...

黃金

Hmm... I wonder what joke I'm goin--

還有鑽石

"We were inspired by the Hall of Mirrors in Versailles"

嗯...你猜我准備說-

Pompous

“我們的靈感來自凡賽爾宮”

That's how I'd describe this movie's aesthetic

浮誇

From the John Wick inspired typography

這部電影就是愛好浮誇

To the tacky variety show chapter screens

從《殺神John Wick》畫風的文字設計

This movie is again, a buffet of--

到俗氣的綜藝節目章節畫面

Wait, what the f**k?

這部電影就是套路自助--

F**k?

等等，這什麽jb玩意？

Despite the film's focus on troubled artists

什麽jb玩意？

And the half-hearted lesson on not taking shortcuts in the road to success

盡管電影講述這窮藝術家的故事

"Put it back on"

表達著在成功道路上不走捷徑的道理

The movie is hellbent on putting up a "wealthy" display

“你給我穿上”

From the landscape drone shots

這部電影卻一直在炫富

To the boats, wines and babes

從無人機拍攝曬風景

To race cars

到船酒辣妹

To the inclusion of a skydiving scene at the end of the movie that serves no purpose

名貴跑車

Other than to blow the budget, I guess

以及電影結尾處，完全不聯系劇情的跳傘鏡頭

Even though the story tells us we are in a sleazy area

感覺搞半天就是為了消耗經費

The camera is practically licking this sexy DJ

哪怕故事來到了風月場所

In other words, the film doesn't even believe in its own message

電影也不忘對性感DJ一遍舔

It wants to look rich

搞半天，連電影自己都不相信自己教的道理

And it's taking every shortcut to do so

它就想炫富

And if you are still unconvinced

用一切捷徑來炫富

In the end credits, you can see the movie flaunts its expensive production

如果你還不信

Helicopters

片尾中，您可以看到這部電影是怎樣曬自己”大制作“的

Race cars

直升飛機

Skydiving

跑車

Pop stars

高空跳傘

Jackie is proud of his stunts

偶像明星

That's what you see in his movie end credits

成龍最關系自己電影的特技

Stephen Chow is proud of his characters and jokes

片尾就選擇曬特技

That's what you see

周星馳關心片中角色和笑點

This movie doesn't want to show you the acting

結尾就曬角色曬笑點

All it cares about is looking expensive

這部電影結尾不曬演藝

Keeping up the appearance

只曬看起來昂貴的東西

Now, we know how is this movie bad

只想炫富

It's one big buffet of tropes

這下我們知道這部電影哪裏爛了

But the real question is, "why"?

就是各種老套路地爛

First, why is this bad?

但真正的問題是，為什麽爛？

Well, obviously, it's lazy

首先，為什麽老套路不好？

But then, why is laziness so bad?

用套路是懶惰的體現，對吧？

Well, let's take a closer look:

但是，為什麽劇作上地懶惰不好呢？

Purity here has no character arc

我們來看仔細一點：

Her entire point in the story is to be saved by the teacher

電影裏，”純潔“這個角色沒有自己的劇情

From being sexually assaulted

整個存在意義就是為了被侵犯

Her purity and virginity become the most valuable and characteristic aspect of her

再被老師所拯救

"I guess you are still a virgin?"

她的純潔和童貞成為她的唯一角色價值

The Pretty Boy decides to leave his Sugar Mama

“你還沒跟男的親熱過吧？”

Not because of his conscience

”小白臉“決定離開富婆

As he was using the Sugar Mama's money

但不是因為他良心有責

But to pursue another girl

畢竟他用著富婆的錢

He leaves, because he is under too much pressure from cheating

去追求其他妹子

"I'm stressed out everyday"

他之所以離開，是因為他壓力太大

His mistake almost kills his teacher

“我每天壓力實在是太大了”

And his regret is enough to gain back the love of his girlfriend

他犯下的錯誤惹來黑幫，差點害死老師

And the teacher's love interest

但他一點悔改之心，就足夠挽回女友的愛

She is not a real character

還有老師的女友

She exists as a roadblock and a reward

她也沒有自己的劇情

She has no ambition

她就只是一個劇情障礙和獎勵

Her only ambition is for the teacher to git gut

她沒有抱負

So that she can marry him

唯一志向就是希望老師能進步一點

And have a good life

這樣她才能嫁給他

"What I need is a real home"

過上美好生活

"And a real man I can rely on"

“我需要的是一個真正的家”

Because when the director is too lazy to think about his story

“一個厚實的肩膀”

Unintentional messages begin to emerge

當導演對劇情不予仔細思考

It's all because acting schools are said to be a world of pretty girls"

電影就會開始暴露一些奇怪的信息

Often, they are problematic views

”視聽說表演系美女多才考的“

Internalized by a director who's unwilling to challenge himself

這些信息往往三觀不正

"Plump as she may be"

多是因為導演自身三觀不正，又懶于反省

"I really like her so much"

“盡管雅麗有點胖”

In this case, it's misogyny

“但我真的很喜歡很喜歡她”

Manifested on, practically every single female character in this movie

這部電影裏，幾乎每個女角色

When your desire in life isn't to pursue the substance

都清楚反映出導演的大男人主義

When you only want to keep up the image

當你一生的追求不是優秀的本質

Your worst qualities will never go away

只追求看起來有錢

And they will manifest

你三觀不正的地方就永遠不得糾正

"And this suit of clothes cost 8,000 yuan"

並會在你的作品中表現出來

But there is one character that's flawless

“我這身衣服八千多”

Who does no wrong

但電影裏還是有一個完美無瑕的角色

"Mr. Wen is pretty young"

從不犯錯

"But he is very talented too."

“文先生很年輕”

Played by the writer-director

“但很有才華。”

The teacher's love interest is widely considered to be the most photogenic of all the actresses

出演人：導演

Coincidentally, they are the only couple to have a kissing scene

很多人都覺得，老師的女朋友是劇中女演員裏最漂亮的

All actors in this film are alledgedly unpaid volunteers

巧合的是，她和導演也是唯一一對有吻戲的角色

Most of them, at the time of filming, were still students

據聞，電影裏所有演員都是免費志願者

They were frequently overworked

拍攝期間，他們大多數都還是學生

9 actors chose to leave the production because of this

演員們經常被過度操勞

Actors were given extra duties unrelated to the film

為此，9位演員中途退出拍攝

The night before Chinese New Year

演員還被安排參與和電影無關的活動

The director called and gathered them up for group activities

除夕當晚

After only 3 hours of sleep

導演集合了所有演員進行集訓

The director woke everyone up

才睡了三個小時

To participate in the flag ceremony

導演叫醒大家

Behind the scene dramas are numerous in this production

一起參加升旗儀式

That's why the film is so notorious

幕後事故多之又多

"I feel like that's not a music video"

電影也因此臭名昭著

"It's an album for future blackmailing"

“我覺得那不是MV”

When pre-release reviews were released

“那是黑曆史合集”

With quote-unquote "experts" giving hollow, non-specific compliments

預發評論裏

"The chapter titles are very well done"

一些”專家“給著不著邊際的贊賞

Chinese audience understandably gets suspicious

“章節的題目起得特別好”

A short investigation reveals that the film festival this movie was shown in

中國的觀衆就起疑心了

Is nothing more than an award farm

簡單調查發現，這部電影參加並得獎的電影節

Finally, as soon as the film is released to the public

是給錢就能得獎的”野雞電影節“

The reviews show the film as what it truly is

終于，電影正式發行

A piece of sh*t

大衆評論暴露了電影真實水平

Instead of accepting the criticism

壓根一坨shi

The director sue the review site for suppressing review scores

導演不願接受批評

This movie isn't just bad

反而起訴了評論網站，指其故意打壓分數

It is offensive

這部電影不只是爛

A narcissistic director

還惡心

With delusion of grandeur

自戀的導演

Who refuse to accept criticism

帶著宏偉的妄想

And fails to see his moral failure

拒絕接受批評

And I don't just hate the movie

三觀不正

I hate what it stands for

我討厭的不只是這部電影

Searching had a budget of 880,000 dollars

更是這部電影代表的一切