I'm Greg Tuculescu.

And today...

[laughs]

Today we're gonna talk about Vlad the Impaler.

The real man behind...

Dracula.

So, it's 1447,

and Vlad III from Wallachia

is a political prisoner in the Ottoman Empire.

And Vlad is like, I wanna go back to my dad.

I'm a prince! I'm an heir to the throne!

And Radu, Vlad's brother, is like,

I kinda like it here.

I really like the salt and sun and Memed II.

And Memed's like, I like you too.

And then, out of nowhere this boyar shows up.

This nobleman.

And he's breathless, and he's like, Vlad!

I have bad news. Your father is dead.

He's dead. He was killed by rival boyars.

And Vlad is like,

I'd like to avenge my father's death, please.

Can you please release me?

And they're like, [belches] okay.

But Radu's gonna stay here if that's cool.

And Radu's like, yeah, I love it here.

So, um, he rides to Wallachia,

kicks down the door, and he's like,

you ain't gonna take away our freedoms.

[giggles] [loud thud]

- Ohh. Watch that head.

- Oww.

Anyway. He's like, sweet.

I'm pretty much prince of Wallachia.

Let's have a partaaay!

And he invites all these boyars.

He's like, guys, let's [bleep] bury the hatchet.

I know you killed my father. That's fine.

You don't worry-- but don't worry about it.

You killed my dad. That's okay.

So the boyars are like,

we'll [bleep] do whatever you feel like is good.

They like, drink and have a great time.

Uh... [giggles]

And then they're gonna leave, and they're like,

great, thank you so much, but we had such a great time.

We're gonna head out.

And Vlad's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shut the doors.

[doors slamming]

All the boyars are like, wait, what?

So, Vlad's like, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna take a stake that's like sharpened

almost to a point-- kind of.

Not to a point. A little rounded.

And I'm gonna shove it up your butthole.

And then I'm gonna, like, go into your esophagus,

and then I'm gonna stick it out your mouth.

[whispers] I'm going to impale you.

And he does that to 200 boyars.

It's... [laughs]

It's [bleep] sadistic.

And he impaled [bleep] 200 boyars.

In his court in... [talking gibberish, laughing]

Vlad is like, call me Dracula.

So, he's, like, going around doing this to everybody.

He's like, you, you look like you're an adulterer.

You, you look like you're lazy.

You, you look like you're a thief!

I'm gonna impale all of you!

And he impales them.

And he burns the whole [bleep] town to the ground.

And there's a German monk there and he's like,

[German accent] oh, mein Gott!

He's dipping his bread in the blood of his victims!

Und he's eating it!

[normal voice] That's a vampire.

He instorters... He instorters?

He ins...he... - [sniggers]

- Instills order in Wallachia.

So, Memed is like,

your brother wants to be called "Dracula."

And Radu's like, [laughs] Dracula?

That just means, like, son of Dracul

which we both are.

That's lame.

And Memed's like,

we should definitely attack Vlad

because Vlad's being a super dick.

So, Memed crosses into Wallachia

with these, like, 60,000 troops

and Dracula's like,

I get it. I'm outnumbered.

So, I'm gonna retreat,

but what I want you guys to do--

my colonels and lieutenants and generals and shit--

I want you to burn [whispers] everything!

And they're like, all right, but we're, like,

[bleep] up our own land.

And he's like, yes!

[whispers] Destroy Wallachia...

Vallachia.

So, they do it.

And they [bleep] up everything.