And one thing kept cropping up, even when I was preparing for this tour, they were saying, "Oh, he's out of touch. He's so famous. He's rich. He's mega-rich."

有件事一直被提起，甚至我在籌備這場巡迴時，他們都一直說：「噢，他沒跟上時代。他太有名、太有錢。他超級有錢。」

I am.

我的確很有錢。

I could have this place burned down for a laugh.

我可以把這地方燒了，只為了逗你們笑。

No, but they say things like, "Oh, he's an observational comedian. How can he say things that relate to ordinary scum?"

他們會說：「噢，他是觀察型的喜劇演員。他該怎麼跟低等的平凡人產生連結？」

And I say, "Don't call 'em scum, alright?"

我會說：「不要叫他們低等的平凡人啦！」

But even the papers, they try and get around to it.

就連一般報紙，都會試圖談這件事情。

I do interviews and they always wanna say, "Oh, do you always fly first class?"

我在被訪談時，他們都會問：「所以你每次都搭頭等艙嗎？」

I go, "No, often private."

我會說：「沒有欸，通常都搭私人飛機。」

The number of times I've answered this question, they say, "Do you know how much a pint of milk is?"

我這樣回答好幾次後，他們會問：「那你知道一品脫的牛奶多少錢嗎？」

It's meant to make you look out of touch and I don't know, but that's irrelevant.

他們就想讓你看起來什麼都不懂，但我沒差。

Next time a journalist asks me that, I'm gonna say, "I don't know, mate, but here's a grand. Run and get me one, will ya?"

下次有記者問我這個，我會回答：「朋友，我還真不知道，不過這裡有一千元，去幫我跑腿買回來好嗎？」

"Is that enough?"

「這樣夠嗎？」

Another question that I always get, particularly with the posh papers, the Sundays, they're doing a profile piece, and they're still trying to alienate you and make you look different and they always say things like, "No, you don't have children."

我很常被問到另一個問題，特別是在做人物專訪的上流報紙 the Sundays，他們想讓你看起來怪異、突出，他們會說：「你沒有小孩欸！」

I say, "No."

我會說：「我沒有。」

They say, "Why don't you have children?"

他們又會問：「為什麼你不生小孩？」

Which is a really odd question to ask someone, "Why don't you have children," as opposed to asking people, "Why do you have children?"

這其實是很怪的問題「為什麼你不生小孩」，為何不問「你為什麼要生小孩」？

Let's ask the fat lady in the leggings why she's had eight.

我們來問問穿緊身褲的胖女士，她為何生了八個小孩。

Shall we?

來問問吧？

Oh, nine.

噢，其實有九個。

That one just fell out.

剛剛又掉出一個了。

That one didn't even touch the sides or disturb her cigarette.

那個甚至沒擦到腿，也沒妨礙產婦抽菸。

"Go and claim for that."

「去養這個孩子吧！」

People say, "Oh, it's selfish to not have children."

人們會說：「沒生小孩很自私。」

How can it be selfish to not bring a life into the world that doesn't exist on any level?

不把一個「沒有存在於任何層面的東西」帶到世上，到底哪裡自私了？

It's not like there's a long cabinet full of potential ghost fetuses going, "We wanna be born."

又不是說有個長長的櫃子，裡面有寶寶的鬼魂一直說：「我們想要出生。」

But I've thought about it and there's three reasons I don't have children.

但我有想到三個理由，三個我不想有小孩的原因。

Three main reasons I don't have children.

三個最主要的因素。

I'll share them with you, three reasons.

我會把這三個原因跟你們說。

One, there's millions.

第一個，已經有一堆小孩了。

The world's overpopulated.

世界人口過量。

No one's sitting around going, "Oh, Rick's not having kids, we're gonna run out."

沒有人坐著發愁，想著：「啊，Rick 不生小孩，我們人口會不夠。」

Two, kids are scroungers, aren't they?

第二個，小孩超會討東西，對吧？

From day one, it's all, "Me, me, me."

從第一天開始就是：「我！我！關注我！」

Isn't it?

沒錯吧？

"Feed me, clothe me, pay for my chemotherapy."

「給我食物、給我穿衣服，幫我付化療費。」

"Not my problem, son. Luck of the draw, boy, luck of the draw."

「哎，孩子，這不是我的問題。這都是命運啊，聽天由命吧！」

It costs the average household in the west 200,000 USD to bring up a child and you don't see that back.

在美國西部，養一個孩子平均花費兩百萬元，而你看不到回報。

They don't wanna pay you back.

他們才不想回報你。

They're not grateful.

他們才不感激。

They don't go, "Thanks for having me," everyday.

他們不會每天說：「謝謝你們有了我。」

They're going, "I didn't wanna be born."

他們會說：「我又不想出生！」

Even if they get a top job, which they won't, you'll never see that money back.

雖然不可能，但就算他們有很好的工作，你付出的錢也回不來了。

They'll just put you in a home and my kid, he'd born into ridiculous wealth, wouldn't he? So...

他們只會把你放進養老院。而我的小孩，他會享受超富有的生活，對吧？

He'd be a little cunt.

他會是個小混蛋。

A little Hampstead cunt, running around with all the other fucking little Hampstead cunts, being all Hampstead and cunty.

一個漢普斯特德 (英國地名) 小混蛋，跟其他的漢普斯特德小混蛋混在一起，全部都上流又王八。

"I'm a little Hampstead cunt."

「我是漢普斯特德小混蛋。」

"Yes, I know."

「嗯，我知道。」

"These are my little cunty friends."

「這些是我的小混蛋朋友。」

"Yeah, I know, it's obvious."

「我知道。很明顯。」

"I can tell from your little fucking cunty hats that you're little Hampstead cunts, you little posh Hampstead cunts."

「我可以從你那頂混蛋帽子，知道你是漢普斯特德小混蛋。」

And on the one hand, he'd know he was a little fucking Hampstead cunt.

就另一方面而言，他也會知道他是漢普斯特德小混蛋。

"I'm a little Hampstead cunt."

「我是漢普斯特德小混蛋。」

Yes, we know, everyone knows.

我知道，大家都知道好嗎？

We know that, right?

我們真的都知道，好嗎?

On the other hand, he'd know that he could never live up to being as brilliant as his dad, right?

再換個方面來說，他自知他永遠都無法像他老爸一樣傑出，對吧？

I'd say, "You know, I worked from nothing and I gave it to you and you're just a little useless Hampstead cunt."

我會告訴他：「你知道嗎？我白手起家，把我的所有都給了你，而你只是個沒用的漢普斯特德小混蛋。」

That would probably prey on his little mind a bit, wouldn't it?

這念頭會在他的小腦袋裡盤旋，對吧？

11, 12, he'd be a naughty boy, run with the wrong crowd, try and get out from under my shadow, right?

十一、十二歲的時候，他會變得調皮、跟錯朋友，試圖逃離我的陰影，對吧？

Then he'd turn to drugs and at about 30, he'd come home and he'd overdose on my Afghan rug.

三十歲的時候，他開始吸毒，他回到家就在我的阿富汗地毯上吸毒過量。

Twenty grand, that was.

那條地毯要兩萬塊。

And as he was there, convulsing and throwing up his fucking lungs, and with his little posh high-pitched fucking death rattle, his little fucking dying words, he'd go, "Do you love me now, Daddy?"

他就躺在那裡，抽搐、彷彿要把肺臟都吐出來，然後用他該死的死亡顫抖聲音說著遺言：「爸爸，你現在愛我了嗎？」

"No!"

「不愛！」

I never did, and that's why you're never going to be born, you useless fucking junkie Hampstead cunt."

我從來沒愛過你，這就是為什麼你永遠不會出生，你這個沒用的漢普斯特德小混蛋。