It's the worst global pandemic since "Baby Shark."

There are now over 80,000 confirmed cases

in 40 countries,

including 57 confirmed cases

right here in the United States.

(coughs) 58.

And so, today,

the president of the United States

held an emergency press conference

to address people's concerns.

I have just received another briefing

from a great group of talented people.

We're ready to adapt,

and we're ready to do whatever we have to

as the disease spreads, if it spreads.

The level that we've had in our country is very low,

and those people are... getting better.

We're very, very ready for this.

I'm gonna be putting our vice president,

Mike Pence, in charge.

I'm gonna ask Mike Pence to say a few words.

Please. Thank you, Mike.

Thank you, Mr. President.

Yes, this is major news.

Vice President Mike Pence will be in charge

of America's effort to contain the coronavirus.

And I think this is great, yeah,

'cause Mike Pence has a lot of experience in this area.

He's been quarantining himself from women his whole life.

This is great. And some might be worried,

some might be worried because, when Mike Pence was governor

of Indiana, he enabled an HIV outbreak

when he didn't follow the advice of public health officials.

But, I'll be honest, I still feel safer with him

than with Trump, all right?

Because Trump, first of all, if you saw the briefing,

didn't seem to know anything that we didn't.

It's like he just gets his news online with us.

Just like, "I-I saw a thing. It looks bad.

"It's rea-- pretty bad.

"It's like some people have it. A lot of people have it.

"You might have it. (stammers)

I don't even know if I have it."

And earlier, earlier this week, earlier this week,

when Trump was briefed on the virus,

he seemed less concerned about a pandemic hurting people

than he was about it hurting the economy.

'Cause that's Trump's real nightmare, right,

if his stock market gets sick.

Yeah. He would be like, "No, not my poor stock market.

"Not Wall Street. I'll nurse you back to health

"with my special chicken soup.

It's a KFC bucket poured with Diet Coke."

(groaning)

It's delicious. Don't judge.

-(laughter) -Don't judge.

The Diet Coke undoes the KFC.

(chuckles)

And, also, also, when Trump first talked

about the coronavirus earlier this week--

I'm not gonna lie-- it wasn't exactly reassuring.

The, uh, coronavirus, which is, um...

you know, very well under control in our country.

We, uh, have very few people with it.

The people are getting better. They're all getting better.

I think that whole situation will start working out.

A lot of talent,

a lot of brainpower's being put behind it.

$2.5 billion we're putting in.

There's a very good chance you're not gonna die.

(laughter, gasping)

Okay, we're-we're definitely all gonna die.

You know, Trump-Trump is great for jokes,

but, in times of crisis, Trump is the worst person

to reassure the nation.

Because a president is like a parent.

They're supposed to make people feel

like they have things under control.

Trump is like, "Yeah, maybe. You never..."

Like, he's the kind of parent who would freak

their kid out even more.

Be like, "Daddy, there are monsters under my bed.

Are-are they there?" Be like,

"I don't know, kid. Probably not.

"But, uh, nobody knows for sure.

"Nobody knows. I mean, you could have swallowed a tiny monster,

"and it's growing in your tummy right now. (chuckles)

Nobody knows. All right, good night, buddy."

So, the question is, what is the latest news from the coronavirus

and how is it affecting the world?

Well, let's find out in our brand-new segment

Is This How We Die?

-♪ ♪ -(cheering and applause)

Today's catastrophic threat to humanity is the coronavirus,

also known as COVID-19,

or covfefe.

Trump tried to warn us, but we laughed.

Now, scientists are still learning

about this virus, because it's so new.

What we do know though is that it's extremely contagious

and that it looks different

depending on which news channel you're watching.

Yeah. On NBC, it looks like fish eggs.

On ABC, it looks like Nickelodeon slime.

Uh, on CBS, it looks like radioactive cauliflower.

And on Fox News, they just made it look like Hillary Clinton.

"Lock it up! Lock it up!"

(chuckles) And, now, while America is bracing

for the worst, other countries around the world

are in the thick of it.

So let's go over to Japan,

where the coronavirus isn't just getting people sick--

it's also going for the gold.

REPORTER: The 2020 Olympic Games in Tokyo

might be canceled because of the outbreak.

REPORTER 2: A senior member of the International

Olympics Committee told the Associated Press,

"You're probably looking at a cancellation

if the coronavirus outbreak isn't curtailed by May."

REPORTER 3: You're talking about hundreds of thousands of people

coming from 200-plus countries,

all staying in close quarters here in Tokyo for a few weeks

and then going back out to their home countries.

If they don't get this thing under control,

the potential for a major public health crisis

and outbreak is huge.

Yes, the Olympics might be canceled

because of the coronavirus.

And, personally, I'm devastated,

because I was gonna compete in the shot put.

Yeah, no, for real.

One of those big guys was gonna throw me.

Now, cancelling the Olympics is a pretty big deal.

In fact, the event has only ever been canceled for world wars

and its old tweets. But it makes sense.

Hosting a worldwide competition during a pandemic

is a recipe for disaster, right?

And it's bound to affect the quality of the sports.

I mean, you can't have that when this disease is going on.

I mean, can you imagine the relays?

They're gonna have the slowest times ever.

No one's gonna want to touch the same baton.

Just be like, "Ew, ew, ew! Ew! Ew, ew."

And good luck breaking records in the pool

when you're dressed like this.

So,

the virus is potentially a world war-level threat,

and you might be thinking, with this level of danger,

we should be turning to God.

But as we're learning from the Philippines,

God may not be able to help.

Millions of Christians around the world

are observing Ash Wednesday today.

It marks the start of Lent,

a season of fasting and prayer, all leading up to Easter.

This year, out of precaution for the coronavirus,

some churches are sprinkling ashes

on the heads of churchgoers

instead of smudging it on their foreheads.

Yes, as unbelievable as it sounds,

because of the coronavirus,

many Catholic priests are just sprinkling ashes

on their parishioners, like a religious salt bae.

(laughter)

And that's how you know the coronavirus is serious,

because even the church is afraid.

Like, if coronavirus was around in the bible,

Jesus would have been like, "I will lay hands on this leper,

"and I will raise the dead, and for the...

"Oh, coronavirus. No, no, no, no.

"Let me turn this water into Purell.

I ain't touching that shit.”

(laughter)

So Japan and the Philippines are taking major precautions.

But all the way over in Iran,

things are already getting out of control.

MAN: Iran has suffered the highest number

of coronavirus deaths outside of China,

with 15 dead and 95 cases reported.

On Monday, the country's deputy health minister went on TV,

insisting the Iranian government

had the coronavirus under control.

(speaking foreign language)

MAN: But the very next day, it was announced

that he himself had contracted the virus.

-(audience groaning) -Are you shitting me?

(laughter)

The health minister came out saying everything is fine,

but then he's got the disease?

So not only is this virus super contagious.

It also has a sick sense of humor.

(laughter)

And it's bad enough, it's bad enough

that the health minister, the deputy health minister is sick,

but it's even worse that in the days before he was diagnosed,

he was going on TV and spreading it around.

-(speaking foreign language) -(woman laughs)

(coughing)

(speaking foreign language)

(audience groaning, chuckling)

I think it's safe to say that that guy's career is over

because, let's be honest,

a health minister that gets sick will never be trusted again.

Yeah. It's just like, "Everybody needs to wash their hands."

People are like, "Man, why would we listen to you,

you sick-ass bitch."

(laughter)

So that's where we are now.

The coronavirus, which started in Asia,

has now spread from Europe to the U.S., the Middle East,

and all the way, as of today, to South America.

So remember, people, wash your hands,

try not to touch your face, cover your cough,

and stay away from that Iranian health official.

(laughter)

And if you do all of those things, there's a good chance

(as Trump): you're probably not gonna die.