Thank you and be quiet!

Now, listen up, 'cause I'm only gonna yell this once!

Was tonight the landslide we dreamed of? No.

Was it the small victory we expected? Also no.

I'd like to congratulate my opponent

and America's favorite tickle monster, Joe Biden.

I'm sure he is handling his victory with humility and grace.

-Slap your ass and call my lawyer. We did it!

Hey, man, no one thought I'd be standing here on Super Thursday

in the great state of what do ya call it.

No one!

But check your record player, Jack,

'cause Uncle Joey made it!

-Look, was I hoping to celebrate tonight? Sure.

I was ready to get lit!

[ Cheers and applause ] I was ready to get slizzered!

I was ready to get Tik Tok'd and do a "leep-urd."

But instead, Joe had a big night in the South

which luckily has not gone to his head.

-Yee-hoo!

I got Texas! I got Alabama!

I got the whole dang Old Town Road!

In fact, I was there when they wrote the damn song!

-I won California. [ Cheers and applause ]

I won Vermont.

Well, I better have won Vermont.

Last time I checked, the state flag was

me, Ben, and Jerry hotboxing in a North Face tent.

Come on, people!

-Now I want to introduce you to some folks.

This is my sister Valerie.

-Sir, I'm a security guard.

-Oh. And this is my wife, Jill.

-No, I'm -- I'm the same security guard.

-Dagnabbit! They switched on me!

They s-- They switched on me.

-Now -- Now let me be clear.

It's still a tight race between me and Joe,

so all I'll say is, may the best man live.

-Uh, don't you mean "may the best man win"?

-No, I do not. I do not.

-And l-let me tell you something about Bernie.

You know who's fired up for Bernie? Russia!

They want him to win.

You know who's fired up for me? No one!

Hell, even I'm still on the fence, and I am me, damn it!

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Listen to me. The coronavirus has hit our shores.

We need a leader who knows

a thing or two about a health crisis.

And look at me. Look at me. I am a walking health crisis!

My Fitbit says, "Holy crap. How is this guy still going?"

-And that's when I'll look the coronavirus dead in the eye

and say, "Back off, Buster Brown.

America's not open for business. Not today, not ever!"

That right, Jimbo? -Sir, who do you think I am?

-Luckily, it's not all bad 'cause earlier today

Mike Bloomberg dropped his solid-gold ass out of the race.

Go home, Mike!

No one wants your money!

No one wants your money!

-Listen here, Mike. I want your money.

I want all of it.

You can donate to me at JoeBiden@skip-a-dee-doo-dah.net.

Thank you and thank you to the great city of whatchamacallit.

You've been confusing.

-Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!

-Hey, they're saying your name.

-Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!

Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!