THANK YOU.

I'M REALLY HAPPY TO BE BACK ON THE SHOW.

I HAD A LOT OF FUN LAST TIME AND WHEN THEY ASKED ME TO DO THE

SHOW THIS TIME I WAS PSYCHED, BECAUSE THE TIMING IS PERFECT.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF TOUR DATES LINED UP, GOING TO DIFFERENTLY

CITIES.

I MENTIONED THAT TO THE PRODUCERS BACKSTAGE, THEY SAID

DON'T MENTION THE CITIES, DON'T DO COMEDY NOT LIKE A COMMERCIAL,

DON'T SELL MYSELF.

ABSOLUTELY.

I'M A COMEDIAN, I HAVE JOKES, I'M EXCITED TO TELL THEM, JUST

TO MAKE SURE WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS DON'T GO OUT THERE AND SAY

FOR EXAMPLE I'M GOING TO BE IN THREANG CITY ON FEBRUARY 8th

AT THE HARD ROCK CASINO OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT, THEY SAID,

EXACTLY, DON'T SAY THAT.

I AM NOT GOING TO SAY THAT, SO HERE WE GO.

I'M GOING TO DO JOKES.

ALL RIGHT, I APPRECIATE THAT.

[APPLAUSE] >> Pelley:

>> T>> ALL RIGHT, I APPRECIATE T I HAD A REALLY GOOD CHRISTMAS

THIS YEAR.

HALLOWEEN IS MY FAVORITE.

THAT'S MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY, THAT'S THE ONLY HOLIDAY YOU

DON'T HAVE TO CELEBRATE WITH YOUR FAMILY WHICH IS NICE.

YOU NEVER HEAR LIKE WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR HALLOWEEN, OH I GOT TO

FLY BACK EAST AND GO TRICK OR TREATING WITH MY PARENTS.

THAT SUCKS, YES, THEY GOT A DIVORCE SO I GOT TO BRING TWO

DIFFERENT COSTUMES.

SO THAT'S TOUGH.

LAWFER.

(LAUGHTER) >> I WONDER IF LEOPARDS LOOK

TRASHY TO OTHER ANIMALS?

KIND OF LIKE UH, YOU GOING TO WEAR THAT, OKAY.

HEAD TO STOW, WOW, VERY BOLD!

SORRY.

I GOT A DRY MOUTH, SORRY ABOUT THAT.

(LAUGHTER) >> I FEEL BETTER, SORRY, I DON'T

KNOW WHETHER IT'S NERVES OR WHATEVER, IT'S DRY MOUTH.

SOME ANIMALS THEIR NAME IS VERY INTERESTING BECAUSE IT TELLS YOU

HOW TO BEHAVE WHEN YOU ARE AROUND THE ANIMAL.

LIKE THE DUCK, YOU KNOW IT'S LIKE DUCK IF IT'S LYING LOW,

IT'S LIKE DUCK WATCH OUT, OR BAT, YOU KNOW BAT IT, GET RID OF

IT.

THE BADGER, LIKE BADGER, BOTHER.

BUT SOME ARE TRICKY LIKE THE LIONS, DO NOT -- YEAH.

AND THE BLOW FISH, DEFINITELY -- WITH

(LAUGHTER) >> THAT'S A TRICK, THAT'S A

TRICK.

I WENT TO A RESTAURANT LAST WEEK THAT WAS FARM TO TABLE TO

TOILET.

OH, I CAN'T REMEMBER MY NEXT, I'M SORRY, I CAN'T REMEMBER MY

NEXT BIT, LET ME CHECK MY NOTES, EMBARRASSING.

(LAUGHTER) >> NO.

(APPLAUSE) >> IT MIGHT BE THE OTHER SIDE.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW!

(APPLAUSE) >> I THINK IT'S IN MY OTHER

PANTS.

WHATEVER, I THINK I REMEMBER ANYWAY.

I WAS AT A DINNER PARTY A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO AND I HAD TO GO TO

THE BATHROOM.

I SAID CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM, YES, IT'S RIGHT THERE, RIGHT

NEXT TO THE DINING ROOM, THAT'S OKAY.

I'M OLD ENOUGH I USUALLY KNOW HOW TO TURN TON LIGHT IN THE

BATHROOM, SOMETIMES I'LL GO IN IN THE DARK, I GOT THIS.

I WENT IN AND I CLOSED THE DOOR AND IT WAS DARK FOR A LONG TIME

BECAUSE I WAS LIKE FONDLING THE WALL.

THE SWITCH WAS OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM.

WHAT KIND OF CONTROL FREAK HAS THE LIGHT SWITCH OUTSIDE THE

BATHROOM?

IS THAT LIKE SOMEONE IS TAKING TOO LONG?

OKAY THE SHOW'S OVER, PICK IT UP, JUST NUMBER 1S IN MY HOUSE,

ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, I FEEL HOT.

I DON'T KNOW, THE STUDIO LIGHTS, YOU'RE BACKSTAGE IT'S NOT THAT

HOT.

I JUST WANT TO TAKE MY JACKET OFF.

SORRY.

OH YES, THANKS.

NOW I'M HOLDING A JACKET.

THIS IS AWKWARD.

LET ME JUST HANG IT UP.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

OKAY.

BE (APPLAUSE)

>> OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.

THE OTHER DAY, THIS WOMAN SAID TO ME, SHE ASKED ME WHAT MA

MAN-SPLAINING WAS, I WAS LIKE NICE TRY, I HAVE NO IDEA.

I LIKE SPORTS BARS BECAUSE THEY COLLECT ALL THE PEOPLE I DON'T

WANT TO HANG OUT WITH, AND THEY PUT THEM IN ONE ROOM.

IT'S KIND OF COOL.

(APPLAUSE) >> I DIDN'T EVEN SAY HI.

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO DO SO WELL WITH NORTH HAMPTON,

MASSACHUSETTS ON MAY NINTH.

>> THANKS MAN, I APPRECIATE THAT.

>> IF YOU ADD THE WORD ADULT TO ANYTHING, IT MAKES IT SEEM

SEXUAL, MAKES IT SOUND KIND OF SEXY.

ADULT BOOKS, ADULT FILMS, ADULT ACTORS.

BUT NOT DIAPERS.

DIAPERS DOESN'T HAVE THE SAME RING TO IT YOU KNOW LIKE, JUST

WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M WEARING ADULT DIAPERS.

IS THAT GOOD?

WELL LET'S JUST SAY I HAVE A LITTLE TROUBLE CONTROLLING

MYSELF.

SOON I'LL BE MOVING INTO AN ADULT FACILITY.

OH, MY SHOE IS UNTIED.

I DON'T WANT TO TRIP UP HERE, I'M SORRY, I GOT TO TIE MY SHOE

REAL QUICK.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) >> COOL, ALL RIGHT, GREAT, I'M

ALMOST DONE.

MY BIOLOGICAL PARENTS GET MAD AT ME WHEN I CALL THEM THAT.

(LAUGHTER) >> I HAVE AN L SHAPED SOFA AT

HOME, LOWER-CASE.

THAT'S IT.

THANKS EVERYBODY!

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME I APPRECIATES IT.

>> James: DEMETRI MARTIN, EVERYONE!

HE'S ON THE "WANDERING MIND" TOUR.

TOUR DATES AND TICKETS AT demetrimartin.com

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.