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  • - ♪ Oh, your blackbird sound in the dead of night ♪

  • (man singing indistinctly)

  • Fuck, he sucks. (laughter)

  • You know, uh-- Speaking of...

  • - Dude, you can't do that to me 'cause I'm sick,

  • so it was either snot or coffee.

  • ♪♪

  • - This is "Bonfire." - Yeah.

  • - And-- and we got the camera crew with us.

  • - Yay! - You're one day--

  • You and Christine, one day into October.

  • October no smoking? - That's right, we are.

  • Well, we're into our one day, yeah.

  • - Yeah, this is the first day of not smoking cigarettes.

  • - Not wigging out-- I thought I'd be wigging out more by now.

  • - Usually comes within a week. - The wig out?

  • - Yeah, when does your wig outs usually happen.

  • Mine happen about six days-- - Day one.

  • - Really? - Yeah, the wig out?

  • - Mine is where I-- mine is where I forget that I've quit,

  • and I go to smoke and I realize that I can't smoke.

  • That was like my first week.

  • There was a couple of times I went to go grab a cigarette,

  • and I was like, "Oh, fuck, I don't smoke anymore."

  • - Yeah, well, I mean, I hold this like a crutch all day long.

  • - The vape. - Yeah.

  • - You got the blu. - Yeah, just a little...

  • - Which even Stephen Dorff turned on.

  • - Yeah, he hates it.

  • - He's back to smoking cigarettes.

  • - He's back to the butts.

  • - Was he on Stern saying that he smoked cigarettes.

  • - He was on STR show. - It was STR, yeah, yeah.

  • At gas--

  • - Me and the Dorff kicked it all night.

  • - Dude, he was the first fucking villain in "Blade."

  • - Yeah. - You said it, honey.

  • - Yeah! There! We got Mom-Mom drops!

  • - Mom-Mom drops already? - I know you very well.

  • - Yes! - Yeah.

  • Dude, you're fly, now you've got some wind behind your wings.

  • - Hell, yeah. Shan Tov, everybody.

  • - Yeah, Happy New Year. Happy New Year, Shanah Tovah.

  • - To Lynn and Hard Corey,

  • the newlywed nuptialed Hard Corey.

  • - And Jacob. - Jacob.

  • How is married life treating you, Corey?

  • Sex is already down, right? Ain't happening at all.

  • - We don't talk. We sleep in different rooms.

  • - Right, all she wants is busting your balls.

  • You just wanna ball with your boys.

  • - Yeah, you just wanna go to your garage,

  • have a old one after a hard day at work.

  • - It's pretty much the same, I gotta admit, but--

  • - She's always done those things?

  • - In a way, I think it's better, because there was something

  • that we would've gotten in a fight about

  • that came up like five days after we got married,

  • and I think we both just looked at each other and said,

  • "You know, there's no reason to fight,

  • we're stuck together," and then it just kind of defused.

  • - He showed her the ring and he went, "This is for life."

  • - "I will kill you before I..." - "Mine or yours."

  • Yeah, "I will put you in a foggy marsh

  • unless you agree with every single one of us."

  • - "I'll film the whole goddamn thing."

  • - Dude, what is that was the arc for "The Bonfire"?

  • Corey ended up murdering his wife and then we were just

  • suspect-- we were character witnesses,

  • and this is just a huge trial where Jacob--

  • - So, guys, we're gonna run a Lost Tapes tomorrow

  • because we got grand jury turns out.

  • - I mean, sorry, guys, we're doing a "best of" all week.

  • Turns out Corey hacked his wife to death

  • and we gotta go testify against it.

  • - I gotta give a deposition. There's a whole thing.

  • - Apparently there was a thing going on with Christine

  • and Corey, and we didn't know... - Media blackout.

  • - I don't know, man. We are not allowed

  • by the State of New York to talk about anything...

  • - We're in a media fucking blackout.

  • - Yeah, it's the People of New York versus Hard Corey.

  • (laughter) - He just snapped.

  • Hard Corey couldn't take it no morey.

  • - He goes, "Do you want me to tell you what happened?

  • Yeah, I killed the bitch with headphones."

  • - "Eh, so what?" - "I fuckin' murdered her."

  • - "She was never gonna let me leave.

  • She was never gonna let me leave."

  • - "I had to get married. I was fuckin' trapped.

  • I was fuckin' trapped."

  • He goes, "I couldn't go back to the world of film and porn.

  • "My love. I love putting skin on film."

  • - You gonna for a kid, Cor, or are you so ashamed

  • of your pornographic past that you don't feel

  • you should bring a child into the world?"

  • - I understand that.

  • But through dark comes light, Corey.

  • - I had to explain to her what a maingel was.

  • - Really? - Because you guys got me

  • that cake that said "Congratulations on finding

  • your maingel." I showed her the photo.

  • She said, "What the hell's a maingel?"

  • - That's-- - You explain it to her?

  • - I had to admit I didn't really know.

  • - So funny, you go, "Well, do you remember

  • the movie 'The Goonies'?" - Come on, do you not know?

  • - Well, I know now. Lynn had to explain to me,

  • what a maingel is. - How did Lynn--

  • Lynn, how did you explain what a maingel was to Corey?

  • Did you go-- - They're in my program.

  • - Yeah! She goes, "Now there's things called boys and girls,

  • "and boys like girls, and girls don't like boys

  • unless they have a lot of nitrous and a house."

  • How did you explain it?

  • - When a man and woman love each other,

  • and one of those men-- and that man is Corey Feldman...

  • - Yes. - He picks a bunch of angels...

  • - Yes. - ...but then he picks one angel

  • to be his maingel. - And he marries that one.

  • - And that's his maingel. - I believe the proper

  • nomenclature in the streets is "bottom bitch."

  • - Yes. - Yeah.

  • - So we're, sure, Lynn can continue to wear lingerie

  • and wings and walk around your house...

  • - Absolutely. - But your wife is your maingel.

  • That's just eye candy. - Listen, we're all--

  • - Lynn just eye candy for you guys.

  • - I'm not saying it's out of the realm

  • that you can't have nitrous oxide suck-off parties...

  • - Not at all, absolutely. - With people dressed

  • as angels and other reporters that aren't having fun.

  • However... - That said...

  • - Your wife is your maingel. - When it comes down to

  • go out to Olive Garden, only one's going with you,

  • and that's the maingel.

  • - Also, if you choose to cover "Blackbird"

  • at a bar, you have to play with your maingel.

  • - Yes, just make sure you bring Lynn home some, like,

  • you know, it's unlimited breadsticks and salad,

  • so bring her home some. - Buy one get one free dinner.

  • - Yeah, bring one home for Lynn.

  • And then the maingel gets the other one.

  • - So weird that you read comics. It's such an odd thing.

  • - Yeah, I mean, I read certain comics.

  • I like certain-- I like Batman.

  • I like anything Garth Ennis does.

  • - Still currently? - Yeah, I read comics.

  • I love it. - Where?

  • - Sometimes I'll go to Midtown-- I'll go to Midtown Comics

  • if I'm just in the area. - And buy some comics?

  • - Just ask what's going on. I was supposed--

  • I started to read "The Manhattan Project,"

  • but then, you know, I kind of bailed after like half a book.

  • But I'll get into it. I'll like it.

  • - Yeah? - Yeah, I'll get into comics.

  • If they're like cool, like "The Boys" that's out on Amazon.

  • - Where do you have 'em? - Uh, what do you mean?

  • - I've been to your house.

  • I didn't see your comic collection.

  • - Yeah, look in my bottom oh my library--

  • or my bookcase when you come-- - Is it really comic books?

  • - Yeah, there's a ton of comic books.

  • - That's so crazy. I didn't notice that at all.

  • - Yeah, if you look-- I mean, in fact,

  • I'm gonna let Jacob borrow-- 'cause he started

  • reading "The Boys," and I have the whole set,

  • and I was gonna give him the ones he hasn't read yet.

  • - You guys are trading comic books?

  • You think that's less gay than sharing hearts?

  • - Yep.

  • Yep, I'll still stand by it. - Stand by it?

  • - I stand by it. It's still less gay

  • than sharing your heart with a Terminator.

  • - I had an old comic I found at my grandma's house recently.

  • It was "Groo."

  • I used to read a lot of funny comics.

  • - Yeah, that's-- those are for simpletons.

  • - I was for-- I was into comedy comics.

  • Yeah, yeah, well, I was really young.

  • - I know, I'm kidding. That was my way of--

  • - I never got-- I liked comic book artwork a ton.

  • - Yeah. - But did not really get

  • into reading comics. - Do you remember book fairs?

  • Do you remember book fairs in elementary school?

  • Where you'd, like, go to the book fair?

  • - Never bought books. - I always--

  • - I always bought the activity thing you could do, markers.

  • - I bought the how to draw comic book...

  • - Sure. - And then I'd just trace.

  • And I would just trace it! - When they made trace paper...

  • - I was such an idiot! - When they made trace paper,

  • I used to trace all kinds of shit.

  • - Dude, I just remembered this story telling this.

  • But I remember in fourth grade, I traced a picture

  • of Bart Simpson and I showed it to this girl

  • Valencia Harris... - Mm-hmm.

  • - And she just goes, "You traced that."

  • And I go, "What?" 'Cause I was acting like I drew it.

  • - Yeah. - And she's like,

  • "You traced that." And I was like, "Pssh!"

  • Turns out Valencia turns out being an incredible artist,

  • so she was, like, into drawing and I just showed it to her.

  • And she goes, "Yeah, you traced that."

  • And I was like, "Fucking liar. What? I drew that."

  • - How'd she know, you think? - The lines weren't complete.

  • She said when you're like-- when you're sketching something

  • the lines go through. Mine were like, one,

  • and then it was like up. I was an idiot.

  • I traced bad. I'm bad at tracing.

  • I'm an awful liar is basically what I'm saying.

  • - Do you want to have a Bart Simpson

  • drawing contest right now? - You'd probably smoke me.

  • - I don't know if that's true at all.

  • - We already did the draw-off. You won.

  • - But that was pictures of us having sex with Jacob.

  • That's different.

  • - We did another one previous to that.

  • - We did? - Yeah, you won.

  • You had your bad boy with the hat,

  • and I had my guy with the brain opened up.

  • No one liked it. - Well, you're the hero

  • of the black women of the hallways,

  • so you have your thing and I have my thing.

  • The more you tell that lady that she has to

  • compliment me, the more she publically digs at me

  • in the hallways, and I don't know her at all.

  • Today she actually aid, "Fuck him."

  • - Well, 'cause I was going, "Stop it, stop it.

  • "I'm gonna get yelled at for the show for you praising me.

  • I can't be praised," I was yelling out like an abused wife.

  • I was like, "Don't-- If you arrest him

  • he's just gonna beat me more!" - Who is she?

  • - Karen Hunter. - Fuck her.

  • - Hey. - How about that?

  • - She was just trying to be nice.

  • - To say "Fuck me?" - No, to me,

  • and I making it a thing and she was joking around.

  • She didn't actually say, "Fuck you."

  • - Did she not? I'm coming at her.

  • - Oh, my God, this is terrible. - Coming at her, dude.

  • - People wanna know what the smoke breaks are like.

  • It's him pointing out that I'm Mafee from "Billions,"

  • and then anytime I get a compliment in the hallway

  • it's him stomping in here for the first hour.

  • - It wasn't the compliments. - We were having a lovely

  • conversation about comics books. - It wasn't the compliments.

  • - I wanna watch "The Dark Knight" trailer.

  • I'll watch "The Dark Knight" trailer.

  • You can complain to the cameras. - She said all this

  • camerawork is for you.

  • - Yeah, she goes, "All these cameras for Dan Soder?"

  • Which immediately filled me with anxiety.

  • - Right. - 'Cause I know Jay is going

  • like, "Oh, is this all for you?" And I'm like, "No, it's not."

  • - I disagree. I agree it was all for Soder.

  • - No, you weren't, and you fucking liar.

  • - I did agree out there! - Yeah, but you're an asshole.

  • - That's exactly what I said, I agree!

  • - Why you talking so high?

  • - That's what I said right out in the hallway!

  • - You said it, honey. - Thanks, Mom-Mom.

  • - I love how you constantly have a hype man now.

  • You constantly have a Mom-Mom to agree with you.

  • - Mom-Mom just goes with whatever.

  • - Yeah, Mom-Mom-- - I know you very well.

  • - See? - She goes, "All this cameras

  • for you, Dan Soder."

  • And then I was like, "Hell yeah."

  • - No, Jacob will understand immediately

  • the anxiety I felt when I heard that.

  • I was like, "Stop it, stop it, you're gonna get me in trouble!

  • You're gonna get me in so much fuckin' trouble with Jay!"

  • - Because they're ignorant. - Oh! Mom-Mom!

  • I was trying to tell them it was for--

  • It was for your sweet Jason-Jason.

  • I don't know what she calls you.

  • - First of all "It was for me and Jay."

  • And she goes," Well, I don't know him."

  • So, that was her being ignorant actually right away.

  • I said nothing shitty. - Sure.

  • - Because they're ignorant. - Yeah, that's right.

  • - She doesn't mean blacks. - You said it, honey.

  • - She does not mean blacks, by the way.

  • She means black women. - You said it, honey.

  • - It's just a constant agreement.

  • - You said it, honey! You're so great

  • to have backup on any terrible thing you say!

  • Look, I'm not saying black people should be sent away.

  • I'm just saying we should stay separate from them.

  • - You said it, honey.

  • - I mean, if my grandma backs that up.

  • - Your grandmother is just violently racist,

  • and I had no clue. - She turned to violent racism.

  • - Yeah.

  • - My honey doesn't have a racist bone in his body.

  • Except for the blacks. - (all) You said it, honey!

  • - I love it. Here's-- Here's the--

  • - But that, uh, yeah, that was so weird in the halls.

  • She went big with it also. That was odd.

  • - Yeah. - But that's cool.

  • - They love you, dude. - I did her show.

  • - Yeah, yeah, yeah, they were all about it, dude.

  • Fuckin' Bev saw you in the hallway.

  • Her titties all jiggling out and shit.

  • - Bev said hi to you too. - Huh?

  • - Bev said hi to you too. - It's literally--

  • I hope it's on-- Please say we got that in the hallways,

  • walking in the hallways.

  • It is, "Oh, Dan!" (shouting indistinctly)

  • - She didn't do that at all. - And then she goes, "Hey."

  • She gave me a "hey." - That's not at all.

  • - That security guards do that to you.

  • What have you done, dude? What did you do last February?

  • Did you give everybody a present for 28 days?

  • - I should tell you this. I do corporate Kwanzaa events.

  • I go in and I usually do like one Kwanzaa show a year.

  • - You're the corporate comic for Sirius XM's parties.

  • You never tell me? - Yeah, dude, I do real clean.

  • - I gotta jam out today after the show, buddy, I'm sorry.

  • You go upstairs to a boardroom. - That's why they all love me.

  • I go in and I do clean. I do a tight, clean 45.

  • - Keep it really tight and clean.

  • - Yes, sir, Dan Soder, "Billions"

  • talking to the ladies. - I hate you.

  • - It's Mafee from "Billions." - Stop it.

  • - Sorry, but that is Mafee. - Oh, damn it.

  • - Yes, sir, it's what you think in a tracksuit.

  • It's Mafee from TV's "Billions."

  • - Hi. - It's Dan Soder.

  • - I hate you. I hate you so much.

  • - Crazy. It's New York, though, right?

  • ♪♪

  • Wait a second.

  • Did you just get me to come down here, Dan,

  • to avoid the hustle and bustle of Mafee fame

  • up there in the real world?

  • - There's a lot of Mafee fame in-between here and there,

  • but, yes, I do enjoy this-- I'm much more relaxed

  • and myself down here.

  • Up there is a fuckin' hot zone of Mafee heads.

  • - Don't here you just said is also Mafee-heavy.

  • - No, but they're just going--

  • They're going quick to the subway.

  • They're in transit. - Oh, see, so by the time

  • they get here, they're not slowing it down for Mafee.

  • - They don't care about-- They don't care about

  • a 15th on the call sheet-- Now!

  • - It would have to be a Giamatti.

  • - I would even say a dollar bill.

  • I would even say you jump up a couple.

  • - No. - Yeah.

  • - Don't you dare. - That would stop 'em.

  • I think maybe...

  • - Do you think maybe the problem is don't know

  • that you are, in fact, Mafee from "Billions"

  • sitting right over here?

  • Because you're a little out of eyeshot.

  • Is that why you picked sort of this out of way area?

  • - No, I picked it 'cause I like the chairs.

  • - Mm-hmm.

  • He's wondering what's going on.

  • - Why? - Where they where?

  • Oh, they were wondering.

  • "Oh, this guy's got 'Billions' all over him."

  • - Hi, Dan Soder. "Trillions," the spinoff.

  • What happens? when "Billions"...

  • - "Mafee's Revenge!" ... get trillions?

  • The standalone movie.

  • - What happens when "Billions" get trillions?

  • - Trillions!

  • (Dan burping)

  • - There's no one-- Oh!

  • - It's just funny to emerge like this, though.

  • (Jay laughing)

  • - Me pointing forward? - Yeah, that great!

  • Me pointing at you for the album.

  • (laughter)

  • - Hey, what's going on? - He's the DJ

  • and you're the rapper.

  • - Hi, Bev. How you doing?

  • - Bye, baby. (overlapping chatter)

  • - Okay, I wonder what's up. Hi. Hey.

  • ♪♪

  • - Is this all for Dan Soder's people with cameras and--

  • - And Big Jay Oakerson, you gotta say Big Jay Oakerson too

  • or he's gonna-- It's half his show,

  • or else I'm gonna be buried. - No, it's not.

  • - But now I'm in trouble-- - We got a relationship.

  • - But now I'm in trouble with Jay because you acknowledged me.

  • 'Cause he cant-- He gets jealous.

  • He gest jealous, and now I'm gonna pay for it.

  • I'm like an abused wife. - I got you, I got you, Dan.

  • - Yeah. - Fuck me.

  • - I'm like an abused wife. I know I'm gonna be

  • the one that takes this.

  • - She said "fuck him." (laughter)

  • - No, I'm the one-- The the one that pays.

  • - Oh.

  • - I'm like, "Shut it down. Don't say hush."

  • - I like how she yells at you,

  • and then she goes-- you're like,

  • "I don't know him."

  • - Yeah, she just keeps going, "I hate him."

  • I'm like, "Stop it!

  • "You have to acknowledge him or I will get yelled at.

  • "If you do not acknowledge him,

  • I will be the one that pays for it."

  • - And it's "The Bonfire," Comedy Central Radio.

  • Sirius XM 95. I'm Dan Soder.

  • That's Big Jay Oakerson. And joining us,

  • the host from the podcast "Advice from a Dipshit,"

  • and the new special "Finally Live In Portland" on Amazon.

  • Please welcome to the show Matt Braunger, everyone.

  • - Hello, boys. - Hello, Matt.

  • - What's happening? - We're just doing this

  • super aggro-- 'cause all these incels

  • are threatening violence in "The Joker" ones.

  • But you know who doesn't threaten violence?

  • Dudes who love nut tap rock.

  • - No, 'cause you get rid of your violence

  • on another fella's nuts. - Yeah.

  • - And you get HPV pretty early in life.

  • - Yeah, but that learns ya.

  • - Are there actual dork threats on the movie?

  • - No, I don't think so. - Like are there dorks

  • threatening that there's gonna be trouble in the theaters?

  • - Are we Dork Level Nine? - There's a dork level.

  • - What's the dork level on that?

  • - Our dork threat level is orange.

  • I think that's where "Joker" is.

  • Usually our dork threat level is at like a yellow.

  • - Okay. - Yeah.

  • - The dork level-- White dude dork level threat

  • is at orange. - I just-- I wanna see like

  • a Secret Service guy just say that into his wrist.

  • Looking "pentively" across the parking lot.

  • "We're at dork level orange."

  • - He goes, "Nine o'clock, I got a dork.

  • I got a dork about to make a move."

  • - Keep your eyes on that dork.

  • - It'd be funny if the crime in the movie

  • was always appropriate to the movie--

  • You know, like the Aurora kid did The Joker.

  • and dressed as The Joker. - Sure.

  • - And during like the Tonya Harding movie

  • you go in, just kneecap a guy.

  • - Oh, no! Everybody's getting kneecapped!

  • - Oh, it was a massacre of kneecaps! Ow!

  • - Watch out, everyone-- - Ow!

  • - One after the other trying to escape!

  • - There is a warning. If you got see "Notebook"

  • in theaters, you will not connect

  • with the love of your life.

  • - But you will kiss someone in the rain.

  • That's a guarantee. - Yeah, just a bunch of

  • sprinklers going out and everyone's making out.

  • - It's just and usher that's paid to kiss you on the mouth

  • under a shower they've rigged up.

  • - I wrote you every day! - That's what he says

  • to everyone before he gives 'em a big smacker.

  • - Wrote you every day. Kiss. Wrote you every day. Kiss.

  • - "The Notebook" kissing massacre.

  • - Someone-- someone shoots up a movie theater

  • showing "King Kong" with a biplane.

  • (imitating machinegun firing)

  • - Yeah! - They, uh...

  • We were talking about celebrity meltdowns,

  • 'cause we looked at Aaron Carter,

  • the younger brother of Nick Carter

  • from The Backstreet Boys. He got a big face tattoo.

  • - Okay, oh! - And that's always the sign

  • of a mental breakdown.

  • - And he's on "Marriage Boot Camp"

  • with Corey Feldman.

  • So it's-- He looks like a meth--

  • Can you make the picture real big?

  • I gotta see what it is. - Wow.

  • - Someone said-- I think on Stern today

  • they said it's like Rihanna with Medusa hair.

  • - Wow. I mean, and have you noticed--

  • Like, the face tattoo thing was...

  • publically kind of started by rappers, yeah, generally?

  • - Yeah. - And generally black rappers.

  • - Tyson. - Seems like Lil Wayne was like

  • the first guy that was really doing it hard.

  • - And so now you have like... Is it Lil Xan?

  • Like white people getting it. And white people getting it

  • just looks like you fell asleep at a frat party.

  • - It does look like a drawing. - It's so bold.

  • It looks like someone just drew on your face.

  • - It's so bold, yeah. - With a darker complexion

  • it's subtler, you know-- - Every time I see Post Malone

  • I'm like, "Who's house did you fall asleep at?"

  • - "How drunk were you?" At-- at--

  • Phi Delta Kappa?

  • - ♪ I be falling asleep at Craig's sleepover ♪

  • - Yeah, the-- the tattoo artist has said

  • on several platforms already

  • that he tried to talk him out of it.

  • He wouldn't do it in the middle of his face the way he wanted.

  • - What? - And he wouldn't drag it

  • to far, so he got him to agree finally

  • to kind of do it this way.

  • He's the guy that did Tekashi69's tattoos

  • on his face also. - What is the recoup--

  • Let's say you get a face tattoo. Let's say you're Post Malone

  • and get a face tattoo and you want that shit off.

  • You wanna take your face off. - It's never gonna look great.

  • You'll have to wear makeup the rest of your life

  • if you want it to really look gone.

  • - It's gonna burn. The-- Whatever they do.

  • The lasers. - You'll have scarring.

  • Your skin'll look different there forever, yeah.

  • - And hearing that like noise that it makes

  • when it's like, "Tick tick tick tick tick!"

  • You know, and they're like-- - And you know it's just

  • zapping your skin. It's like boiling your skin.

  • - Yeah, man. - It's almost like--

  • I compare it to like just getting

  • a drastically horrible haircut

  • when you see the look on someone's face that knows you,

  • and it's like-- and they love you,

  • and they're like, "Yeah!" And they're trying to...

  • - What did you do? - I can't imagine the look

  • when you have a face tattoo and they haven't been

  • told about it, and they just-- they probably just

  • drop their head and just sigh and just go,

  • "I just need a second, man."

  • And you're like, "What? What is it? What's wrong?"

  • - I even get the neck tattoo to some degree, but don't get--

  • - Sure. - You know where your line is.

  • Face for sure is definitely a line for me.

  • But I will even say...

  • - I would say you can tat it up to the top.

  • - I'd say completely covered neck is a also a line.

  • I'm like that's just-- It's like you're just a weird--

  • It's crazy looking.

  • - It's a turtleneck made of skulls.

  • That's all that is. - Yeah!

  • - You're still wearing a turtleneck,

  • but it's permanent.

  • - It's a permanent turtleneck of skulls!

  • - Can you imagine? I mean, that's a great putdown

  • before you get beat to death in prison.

  • "What's up with your skull turtleneck, dick?"

  • And then you get stomped to death.

  • But you went out pretty hilariously.

  • - "It's a white power thing, it's a white power thing!"

  • - "Did you guys hear what he said to Big Sleepy?

  • "He said, 'Fucking nice turtleneck.'

  • Fucking killed him, bro."

  • - They'd be laughing for weeks, you're a legend.

  • - "Oh, my God, Big Sleepy you do have a turtle--

  • "You have a turtleneck of all your dead homies, bro.

  • Why the fuck you look so stupid? He said, "Shut up!"

  • - Matt, I like that Matt can come in and accurately

  • eye me up to see that I would probably

  • go with a turtleneck of skulls,

  • would be my sad choice.

  • And then still be like a pleasant nice guys that I am.

  • And I'd be like, "What does Jay have?

  • What about his personality says neck of skulls?"

  • I'm like, "I don't know. Look neat, right?"

  • - "Yeah, guys, it looks like I have a whole--

  • It looks like I have skulls on my neck."

  • - The problem is I think these guys like an Aaron Carter

  • try to get a personality to go with...

  • - Oh, yeah. - ...face and neck tattoos.

  • You know what I mean? Like they're--

  • He's got a big thing with guns apparently.

  • - Well, what I love about Post Malone

  • is he's still kind of silly. - Yeah.

  • - Like he's got face tattoos and he's like, "Oh, cool, man!"

  • He's kind of got like a Pete Davidson thing about him,

  • where he's just like, "Oh, that's pretty sick."

  • - I just don't know what the fuck he is.

  • - "I just wrong a fucking dope-ass song."

  • I can't describe what he is at all.

  • - Aaron Carter? Broken mentally.

  • - Post Malone. - Oh, Post Malone.

  • - I don't know what he is. - Post Malone--

  • I feel like he can take off all of his tattoos

  • when he gets home, and that's who he really is.

  • - Yeah, peel 'em right off.

  • - And he goes, "Oof!" He goes, "Oof!"

  • - Yeah, he does like the "American Psycho"

  • peeling the thing off with all the tattoos are attached to it.

  • - Yeah. - He has to put on

  • a crazy fucking thing every day, a mask.

  • I mean, what a bizarre-- What is Tekashi69

  • gonna do when he's released from jail one day?

  • I mean, he's gotta hide for the rest of his life.

  • - He took-- He did not take protective custody.

  • I think he turned down-- - No, he-- protective custody--

  • - No, he turned down Witness Protection.

  • - Are you sure Witness Protection didn't turn down him?

  • - Probably. - Because there's no way

  • that man blend in. - Yeah.

  • - Yeah, I think you're right, but is that the, uh...

  • Is that what it is? Look that up, Christina.

  • I think that they-- Yeah, he turned--

  • He has a private security team, not Witness Protection.

  • But, I mean, if you don't go in Witness Protection,

  • there's gonna be a lot of attempts on--"

  • I'm even saying there's gonna succeed,

  • but for a while they're gonna try to fuckin'...

  • - Well, it's like how much--

  • What's the acceptable level of anxiety in a person's life?

  • I mean, where you just have a target on your head

  • the rest of your-- They're like--

  • - Well, do you remember Henry Hill?

  • Henry Hill used to go on Howard Stern all the time

  • and just give his address were he currently lives.

  • - In Queens. - And he would always just go,

  • "Yeah, they're all dead anyw-- or old men now.

  • Like, no one-- They don't even have like pull

  • in the current mob, the people that hated him.

  • He was like, "So what difference does it fucking make?"

  • (coughs) He's kind of right, never--

  • - No thanks on Witness Protection

  • 24/7 security's fine by me.

  • Oh, he's saying he doesn't want it.

  • He plans to do something very un-snitch-like.

  • All the snitching-- "Federal trial that saw

  • "the rapper sing like a canary

  • "for three days wraps up Thursday.

  • "Tekashi pointed fingers, names names.

  • "But sources close to him tell us

  • "he will forego any participation

  • "in Witness Protection and will instead

  • opt for a life of fame." Is he gonna be famous?

  • I don't think anyone's gonna fuck with him

  • 'cause he's a snitch. - That'd be my thought.

  • But I-- then again I feel like

  • so many of the hip-hop rules just get changed all the time.

  • - Yeah. - I think, you know,

  • like the older rappers will definitely hate him,

  • but it's kind of like to your point, Jay.

  • I think maybe some of these new rappers would be like,

  • "I would've done the same thing."

  • Like, who knows? I don't know.

  • As much as I think he wouldn't have a career, I don't know.

  • - Yeah, I mean, but look at that face took.

  • Even what we caught right there. I mean, that's a lot.

  • - You think he's gonna come out and make music again?

  • - I don't know. I didn't know he had

  • Edward James Olmos face. - Isabelle, you think so?

  • - Look at his pock marks. - He what?

  • - He said he's going to.

  • - He said he's gonna come out and make music?

  • - That's why he said he's not going into witness protection.

  • He's getting 24-hour security. - So just to make music?

  • But who's gonna fuck with his music?

  • - Who's gonna buy his music? - Yeah, that's a good question.

  • - I mean, the thing was that it came out that he snitched,

  • because like right before, when he got beat up and, like,

  • his chain got snatched, it was like his gang.

  • So he wasn't gonna go down for, like--

  • - Oh, you're saying his own gang robbed him,

  • so he was like, "Fuck you guys, you're gonna rob me..."

  • - Yeah, and there was like-- they found like a whole thing,

  • and they were like planning on killing him.

  • - Oh, really? - Now where does that fall?

  • Is that affiliated with your gang, Isabella?

  • - Now, you're a-- you're a 9 Trey Blood, right?

  • You represent. I know you're out in the streets repping--

  • I know you fuckin' bang. I know you bang hard.

  • Jay knows. Jay knows. I've seen you on Facebook.

  • You don't use the letter "C." Well, he's fucked.

  • He made a bunch of bad decisions.

  • - And now everyone knows he's talking,

  • he's gonna come out of jail.

  • - Yeah, that 24-hour security ain't gonna work.

  • - Yeah, you're just gonna get those guys killed.

  • - I bet he--

  • - How you gonna get somebody to take the gig?

  • - Do you guys wanna take a death pool?

  • Under three years? Over, under?

  • Three years out of.

  • - He's probably paying them a ton of money.

  • - How's he gonna get money, though? How's he get money?

  • - He's still making money 'cause his songs are still

  • like getting played.

  • - I don't think he's making that much money.

  • - How much they gonna pay him for 24-hour security?

  • - Yeah, I don't think he's-- - Is that an option

  • of him snitching on everybody, is they are supplying him

  • with 24-hour, like, police security

  • for the rest of his life?

  • - I don't think they would do that.

  • - Well, witness protection costs--

  • You have to set somebody up for life anyway there.

  • - Yeah, but I think it's probably cheaper

  • to kind of like wipe their slate

  • and get rid of those tattoos and...

  • I don't know what they do with 'em.

  • But, you know, just give 'em a disguise

  • and put 'em somewhere working... - (laughing)

  • - Managing a Red Lobster somewhere, I don't know.

  • Not that that's what they did with my uncle.

  • Ah, it's a long story.

  • - He goes, "That Tekashi69?" He goes, "No, it can't be.

  • "Tekashi69 didn't have a nose

  • attached to glasses and a moustache."

  • - Impossible. He doesn't have a polish nose.

  • - Yeah. Yeah, maybe if Groucho Marx was his dad, right?

  • No. Keep walking. That's not him.

  • - You go, "Guys, I don't wanna be weird right now.

  • "But see that guy refilling the chocolate mocha at the buffet?

  • I think that's Tekashi69."

  • The guy with the blond wig?

  • - You go over, he starts snitching on people again.

  • You go over, he goes, "Are you Tekashi69?"

  • He goes, "No, I'm not, but I'll tell you what,

  • Milton's definitely stealing from the tip jar."

  • - They go, "Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa."

  • He goes, "Ashley didn't cover her shift and she said she did."

  • - I don't know who those people are.

  • Who's Milton? Who's Ashley? - He goes...

  • - "Carl called in sick, and I know for a fact he's not sick."

  • - I went by his house late at night. He was partying.

  • - He was rockin' out. - Yeah.

  • - He said he felt better as the day went on,

  • but everyone feels worse-- - I think he's hung over.

  • I really do. - I heard he said he had

  • diarrhea, and he just went into the bathroom

  • and sat on his phone.

  • (fire crackling)

  • - Auditioning for "SVU"

  • was the craziest waiting room I've ever been in,

  • because it's just guys were there who kind of look like me.

  • - Sure. - Coming in for the role of

  • this landlord.

  • And the girl who gets killed, I guess,

  • who is like a stripper of some sort or something in it...

  • - So it's burly dudes and hot chicks?

  • - Or gets raped or whatever. No, and it was just

  • smokin' hot chicks who come dressed for the part,

  • and then they go in and...

  • the door is right next to where we're all sitting.

  • And you just hear 'em go, they go,

  • "Hey, it's nice to meet you. We're calling in, uh...

  • Cassie Johnson," or whatever, then they walk in.

  • And they go, "Hi, it's nice to meet you," and she goes,

  • "Nice to meet you, too." He goes, "Okay, okay, come in."

  • And the door closes and you hear like, "No, no-- get-- no!

  • "No, hey, get your hands off of me!

  • "Please, no, God! Oh, no! Oh, please!

  • Oh, no! No, no, no!" And then the door back open,

  • and he goes, "Thank you, that was fantastic."

  • She goes, "Thank you guys so much for having me."

  • - "Oh, my God, make sure you say hi to Clarissa for me.

  • I haven't seen her in forever."

  • You know know they kind of know the casting agent sometimes.

  • They go in, they go, "Oh, my God, how is your dog!

  • Do you have pictures?"

  • - "I hope he gets better, I hope-- Oh, I'm so sorry...

  • - "Shut the door and go." "You're raping me!

  • You're raping me in my asshole!" - No exaggeration.

  • - And then they open the door. "Anyways..."

  • - Well, it was an exaggeration. They did not say,

  • "You're raping me in my asshole."

  • - Well, they need to write better dialogue for those women.

  • (laughter)

  • - I gotta say, when we can free up the language--

  • - We'll do "SVU: The Podcast" when that comes out.

  • They'll be... saying that.

  • - "Only on Audible."

  • - (laughter) - "SVU Podcast."

  • But that was such a bizarre--

  • And they all come dressed like...

  • - Mm-hmm. - Decked out like hookers.

  • Or strippers-- it's so weird. - Yeah.

  • I just showed up in my clothes, like,

  • "I pictured he would dress a lot like me, this guy."

  • - Yeah. I picture... - (laughter)

  • - I picture he's a guy that

  • has a lot of similar clean laundry to me.

  • - I dress like a shitty landlord, I realized, so...

  • - Yeah. - Ya shoulda been in a bathrobe.

  • - I go, "Why break something that's not broken?"

  • You know what I mean? - You go, "Can you please

  • address me as the landlord? I came dressed."

  • - I do miss kind of being in a roomful of people, like,

  • for some random commercial, and the guy comes dressed

  • too exactly like the person. - Yeah.

  • - And then we all laugh at him.

  • "Like, I'm sorry, man, I can't, uh...

  • "You're dressed just like a blackjack dealer.

  • Where's that outfit from?" - Yeah, exactly, or a monocle.

  • He's wearing a monocle. - "Where did you get that?"

  • - There's one where a guy walked in in full O.R. scrubs.

  • - Oh, yeah? - We were supposed to play,

  • like, an orderly, and he came in O.R. scrubs.

  • And you're like, "What are you doing, dude? "

  • - That person, I mean, you want to really--

  • That's the adult version of you wanna bully him.

  • You want to hang him in a locker.

  • - Yes, that's exactly it.

  • - When he comes all dorked out like that...

  • - Oh, did you do your homework, you fuckin' dork?

  • - I'm telling you, a guy walked in with full

  • blackjack dealer regalia... - "Well, it's a period piece."

  • - ...and we just started laughing, and I'm like,

  • "Man, I don't-- I can't help but laugh, I'm sorry.

  • - You know what you should have done?

  • You should have gone like this, right when he walks in,

  • you should have gone... - Clap-clap, up and down.

  • - Yeah. And for that reason, I'm out.

  • - And that's it. - He goes, "Thank you guys

  • very much, I've been Matt. This guy's..."

  • - "Change dealers." - "Enjoy Karen."

  • - "This guy's a fuckin' dork, and I'll see you guys later.

  • - "Scott, the pit boss. Wanna cash me out?"

  • - You come in and he goes, "Well, this is a period piece

  • vampire film." He goes, "Well, I don't have

  • any ruffles and velvet suits at home."

  • - Oh, cool! That you have something from the gilded age.

  • - One of the first times I went in for a commercial,

  • I walked in and there's this really attractive woman

  • with a clipboard, and I was like,

  • "Yeah, I'm here for the audition."

  • She says, "What's your name?" And I was like, "Matt Braunger."

  • She goes, "Oh, yeah, let me look.

  • You're here for the role of Unattractive Man."

  • - Ohh. - And it just broke my heart,

  • but then I just laughed my ass off,

  • and then it became the best hour of my life

  • watching every other guy walk in and get told that.

  • - Told the same thing. - And seeing the different

  • reactions, yeah. - I've really, uh,

  • I said I won't go out for auditions anymore that,

  • when you read them, it's like, "Slovenly but sweet."

  • - Yeah. - Always something like that.

  • He goes, "Sweaty, gross, has tits... can't get laid.

  • But a heart of gold." - "Like if a fart had skin."

  • - (laughing) - I don't know what that means.

  • What do you mean, "Like if a fart had skin"?

  • - "A forgotten ghost of a sack of shit.

  • But nice." - Yeah.

  • - (laughing) If-- If-- If a turd had a soul...

  • - Yeah, what does that mean? - This guy.

  • - I'm sorry, what does that mean?

  • If a bloody dog dump had eyes. And you go, "What's up?"

  • - And you go, "Yeah, I don't think I wanna read for this,"

  • and then your manager goes like,

  • "Well, they asked for you specifically."

  • (laughter) - That kind of hurts even more.

  • - I think they had you mind. - It's all of that

  • that we said, and at the end,

  • "You know, a Big Jay Oakerson type."

  • That's at the end of all that shit.

  • "Fuck you guys."

  • - How many stories do you know?

  • I know Ben Bailey, like one or two peop--

  • Artie Lange, I think, just told us on Legion of Skanks

  • the other day about someone going and not getting a role

  • that in the description says a type of them.

  • - That happens all the time. - Yeah?

  • - Yeah, uh, who-- fuck. Yeah, um...

  • I know two people who've had to audition to play themselves.

  • - Crazy. - And, uh... and then--

  • - Oh, I did. I did for, uh, "Crashing."

  • - "Crashing," yeah. - Jesus Christ.

  • - Yeah. I was auditioning to play myself.

  • And, I mean, I got it, but what was more funny

  • was the people who didn't.

  • Like Greer Barnes I think sort of plays Kurt,

  • I think it was. - Yeah.

  • - Or something like that. - Oh, that's funny.

  • - And someone is Joe DeRosa.

  • - ♪ I love the cocaine, I love the cocaine ♪

  • - (Joe DeRosa laughing) - That's Joe DeRosa.

  • - Yeah. Yes, it is. - The hyena.

  • - The hyena. - He's around.

  • - But, um... - He's always up in the hills.

  • - Yeah, I-- - Mocking us.

  • - Ever since I, uh... was gonna audition

  • for something that was like taking my shirt-- I took--

  • You know, I told you this story a thousand times.

  • Being shirtless and painted green for a Halls commercial

  • that never came out. - Phew.

  • - And I just got sunburned, and the giant "S"

  • that was in my own skin color... - Ohh.

  • - ...from being painted green. - Phew.

  • - And shirtless all day outside, and sweating. Fat.

  • - How much-- How good was that money, though?

  • - Session fee. It never aired.

  • - Yeah. I had one of those. - 300-some bucks.

  • And the guys, the actors that were on the thing also,

  • were like, "Dude, you're about to have

  • the best year of your life." And I'm like, "Why?"

  • He goes, "This is like a campaign that keeps running."

  • He goes, "This might be a Super Bowl commercial for all we know.

  • We have no idea, like, it's a football-themed thing."

  • And you're gettin' goosed up. And he goes,

  • "Dude, I did the one last year."

  • - "$48,000 by the end of the month."

  • And you're like... - No, no, but I--

  • It wasn't anything like that, but he was like,

  • "You're gonna have a good year."

  • These are actors who aren't making a lot of money.

  • So he goes, "I made 70 last year of this commercial."

  • Like 70, which was like, if you told me also on top

  • of what I'm making, which is little to nothing...

  • - Mm-hmm. - If I was making $30,000

  • in comedy, maybe.

  • And you're telling me $70,000, I'm going to $100,000,

  • yo, it would've been huge.

  • And then it never aired, and I just got that sunburn.

  • - Joe List did a Captain Morgan's commercial.

  • And when he got it, we were all like,

  • "Pff, you're buying drinks for the next five years."

  • And then it aired like during the World Baseball Classic.

  • - Like once? - Yeah.

  • - Just come out once. What was the one you had?

  • - It was a Progressive Insurance ad or something,

  • one of the big ones like Prudential or something,

  • and I was on top of a crushed car

  • on like crutches, dancing around,

  • with like a-- like bandages on my head.

  • And it was a-- and it was, um--

  • What the fuck is the sports announcer?

  • God dammit. - Chris Berman?

  • - The one with the-- I'm blanking.

  • He has white hair, um...

  • - Pat Summerall. - Yes? I think.

  • - Football announcer? - Yes.

  • - Pat Summerall, for sure. - I think so.

  • - John Madden or Pat Summerall? - Wasn't John Madden.

  • - Probably Pat Summerall. - But, uh, and then I was like,

  • "Okay, great, we got a celebrity and everything."

  • But they focus-grouped it, and it's like,

  • "Hmm... he's injured and he's dancing.

  • I don't like it, it makes me feel weird."

  • And they just-- I just got a letter in the mail

  • that it'll never air. - Ohh...

  • - I was like... I thought it was that.

  • It was like had a famous guy, you know, it was a campaign

  • that they're gonna run-- - Cancel culture, man.

  • - Everyone's gettin' canceled, dude.

  • - On a tiny level. - The woke people came out,

  • and they were like, "No."

  • - "I don't like he's dancing, and injured."

  • - "I twisted my ankle once, and I wouldn't dance.

  • "No matter how many times they asked.

  • It was my own wedding, so I would know."

  • - As someone with bad ankles...

  • - "I was sad." - "I'm offended."

  • - "When I hurt my ankle, I was sad. I was not dancing."

  • - "And I did not see myself represented as a sad person."

  • - "I did not gloat on top of a broken car."

  • ♪ I love the cocaine, I love the cocaine ♪

  • - What was your-- you know, I had the audition

  • before I came here, the one day.

  • Remember where I just ate shit with impressions, and then--

  • then I got lost-- then I got lost in the hallways.

  • - Ugh. - I had to ask for my way out.

  • - The worst one was I did, um...

  • I think it was for either-- I think it was "Bad Grandpa,"

  • with De Niro. - Yeah.

  • - You know that movie? - And, uh, Adam...

  • - Zac Efron, right? - I was in L.A.

  • We were in L.A. doing shows. - This is Zac Efron?

  • - I swore I told this story on this show,

  • but I went in and fuckin' ate it so hard,

  • that the lady was like, "Do you wanna go out in the lobby

  • and then come back in?"

  • - Wow. - Ohh...

  • - And I was like, "Yeah."

  • And then I came back in and fucked it up again,

  • and I was like, "I don't like this and I wanna go home."

  • And I remember going out to my car in L.A. and just being like,

  • "L.A. sucks!" - Dude, I walked out--

  • - By the way, 100% my fault. I completely fucked up.

  • - So me with the impressions, but as I was walking out,

  • I remember I was like, "It was terrible."

  • And she goes, "No, it wasn't bad," I go, "It was!"

  • And I just left. - Oh, this lady...

  • This lady did not pull any punches.

  • - And I got lost in the hallways.

  • - I just go, "I'm so sorry."

  • - And she goes, "Thanks for coming in."

  • And you're like... (scoffs)

  • - Ooh. - Ugh. Yeah.

  • Oh, fuck, I hate that.

  • - ♪ I love the cocaine ♪

  • - I'd rather know that I'm not getting it

  • right when I walk in... - Yeah.

  • - Yeah! Oh, I had one, I--

  • Between like 10 years ago and now,

  • I lost like 40 pounds or something.

  • And I went to the casting lady that hadn't seen me in a while,

  • and like I went in for this, I don't know, a fatter guy

  • or something, and she goes, "Aww...

  • You're-- You're-- But you're cute."

  • Her words. I was like, "Thanks."

  • And she goes, "Do you still wanna read?"

  • Like, well then, what the f-- Why?

  • You just told me there's no chance.

  • - What the fuck are you-- - Why waste our time with this?

  • - Yeah. - Well, I'll tell you what

  • they had me do for that Wu Tang show that we're

  • watching on Hulu, that was like, I went in to read

  • for something else,

  • and they pulled the, uh... they were like,

  • "Oh, maybe you wanna read for this--

  • "We're doing like a Wu Tang series for Hulu.

  • And you might wanna read for a part for that."

  • I was like, "Hell yeah. That'd be great."

  • And they give me the part, and it's just the N-word.

  • Is the only thing I was gonna say.

  • - What? - And I was like,

  • "Okay." And then I was like-- And they were like,

  • "Are you okay reading it?" I go,

  • "Are you okay with me reading it?"

  • It's fine with me to read it. Are you cool?"

  • - I'll blast off right now. - Yeah, and they were like,

  • "No, it's fine." And that was just,

  • there's another audition of me

  • just dropping an N-bomb for nothing.

  • - Brooks Wheelan wrote that-- he wrote a sketch for "SNL"

  • when he was on there about what it's like,

  • the white people auditioning for "12 Years a Slave."

  • And it's just-- and it's just actors getting the sides

  • and going, "Ohh... um, what?" And everyone behind the camera

  • is black, and they're like, "Just go ahead.

  • Just inhabit the character." - (laughter)

  • - And it was the same thing, where you go in for one thing

  • and they're like, "Can you try this? Wanna hear you--"

  • - Yeah, "I wanna hear you really--"

  • We're casting a thing of a mean, mean, white supremacist guy.

  • If you could just read that." - "Ooh, you know what?

  • "This one rapes handicapped children.

  • Can you ready that?" - "Without thinking quickly,

  • we'd like to record you saying some very vile things."

  • - "Just say this, and again,

  • "I want you to really lean in on this.

  • Like, you believe this. This man's a bad person."

  • - "Take some time to prep. Be clunky with it."

  • - "And if you could, actually, invoke a lot of yourself in it."

  • - "Can you take an hour and get off book?

  • Can you memorize these lines?" - "I want you to say it looking

  • like you're just walking down the street and said it to me."

  • - "Yeah, like it's coming from your heart."

  • - "And know, you want this part,

  • convince me you believe those things on that paper."

  • - It's funny when you see another comic auditioning,

  • you know, and you're both same thing,

  • and then their audition takes way longer than your audition.

  • - Oh, yeah, they're in there forever,

  • and then you're in and out in three seconds.

  • - They come out arms around everybody in the room.

  • "Ohh... I hate to see you go, but, you know..."

  • - Swear to God.

  • - "I guess we technically have to take everybody, so..."

  • - "We got a Ray Dokers. I don't know. He's after you."

  • - (laughing) Ray Doker. I don't read.

  • I can't read this gibberish. - When they just

  • give you nothing, when they just give you no--

  • Like, it was for Pete Davidson's movie...

  • - Where they send you ri-- when the person goes long before you.

  • - That's what it was. - And then when you're

  • getting knocked out nice and quick.

  • - Dude, mine was like-- the audition,

  • it took her a while, and she auditioned, and then like,

  • no joke, the door opening for her,

  • they're like, "Heeeey!" - Yeah.

  • - And then the door leaving for her, they go, "Aww..."

  • - "Oh, you have to leave?" - It was so long, and then--

  • - "I have to leave, guys." - And in my head, I was like,

  • "Well, I'll probably get a similarly warm reception."

  • And I open the door, and they're like, "Hi. Dan?"

  • And you're like, "Yeah." - Yeah.

  • - Have you ever-- - And then I just did two runs,

  • and they're like, "That's enough." And I was like...

  • - Have you ever acted in a thing where somebody working on it...

  • Like, you're not an important piece of the acting...

  • but somebody working on it is a fan of your comedy,

  • and they're sup-- I've had that specific thing before.

  • And they're really, like,

  • can't believe the way you're being treated

  • because they think you're something bigger than you are.

  • - Yes. - "Dude, they're making

  • "Big Jay Oakerson report to set himself?

  • They didn't send you a car?" And you're like...

  • "They did not send me a car." - (laughing)

  • - "Like, damn, man! They don't even know."

  • And he's like telling other people who don't give a shit.

  • They're like, "Great."

  • - "What are you doing on the bus, man?

  • I'm listening to your album right now."

  • You go, "Yeah, I'm going to work the road."

  • - (chuckling) What do you do? That's fuckin' awkward as shit.

  • - "What the fuck are you doing here?

  • I'm a fan, I'm an actual fan of your work."

  • - I did a sketch on, what was it, Seth Meyers?

  • I forget what it was, but it was one of those, you know,

  • it's just like, in the bulk of people, I was just gonna be

  • one of the few featured, like, uh...

  • like saying something in this sketch.

  • It was like a, you know, prerecorded sketch.

  • - Sure. - Mm-hmm.

  • - And I was one of the few people saying some things.

  • But I was just like the bulk of the extras,

  • and everybody was getting transported in the same thing

  • to a location to film it.

  • Be like, "How they keeping you in here

  • with all these extras and shit?"

  • And you're like, "Please stop making..."

  • - Please stop doing this. - Yeah.

  • You're making me feel shitty.

  • - Yeah, you're not helping. - I'm totally okay.

  • - It's like that friend who, like, is--

  • you know, like how your mom or somebody'll be like,

  • "Why aren't you on 'SNL'?" - Yeah.

  • - "I don't like anyone on there."

  • You know, your little biased mom.

  • Or you're at that like-- the friend I grew up with,

  • who is just like, "Hey what happened with that show idea

  • you told me like five years ago?"

  • I'm like, "What do you think happened with it, man?

  • It didn't go anywhere. I've pitched it everywhere."

  • And he goes, "What the-- They passed?

  • Dude, that is bullshit."

  • - And it's like, "Man, I've gotten over it.

  • It didn't stop. Could you let it go?"

  • - He goes, "You guys, you spent years writing that thing."

  • - You worked so hard! For nothing, Dan?

  • - The worst-- - For nothing?

  • - Absolutely nothing! - So you got nothing out of it?

  • And you wanna go, "You fuckin' work at Home Depot, man.

  • Why don't you shut up?" - The one that hurts

  • more than that is when your friends you grew up with

  • see you do standup, and they're like,

  • "You're gettin' pretty good." - Yeah! (laughing)

  • - "I've been doing this for 15 years," and they're like...

  • - They're like, "Man, you'll never get those hours back!"

  • - And they go like this-- no, but they always go like this.

  • They go, "I always thought you were like super funny

  • "off stage, so it's just like, you know.

  • I guess it's like kind of..." - "Yeah, I feel like you're

  • funnier off stage, man, still." - Yeah.

  • - "Still." - "Remember when we were stoned

  • "in the woods? God, you were killin' around that campfire.

  • "If you could get that way, you know, in front of

  • 200 people that don't know you, that'd be better."

  • - You gotta learn how to bring that... to that.

  • - Dude, that's most of my friends.

  • - Has your manager told you that?

  • Have they been out stoned in the wood with you like I have?

  • - Oh, hi. Didn't see you come in there. I'm Dan Soder.

  • - I'm Big Jay Oakerson. - We're from the Bonfire on

  • Comedy Central Radio, Sirius XM 95.

  • - Make sure you watch our

  • videos every Thursday on Comedy Central YouTube.

  • Fresh. Exclusive. Visual. Titillating.

- ♪ Oh, your blackbird sound in the dead of night ♪

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