"JOHN MULANEY AND THE SACK LUNCH BUNCH."

PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," JOHN MULANEY!

♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS ) >> THEY PLAYED THE LITTLE THEME

SONG, YES.

>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE.

NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

>> NICE TO SEE YOU, STEPHEN.

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN.

>> Stephen: IT'S BEEN TOO DAMN LONG.

>> IT'S BEEN A LITTLE BIT.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU, BESIDES THE FACT

YOU'RE FUNNY AND YOU SEEM LIKE A NICE GUY, EVERYBODY LOVES YOUR

STAND-UP SPECIALS.

YOU CAN WATCH THEM WITH THE WHOLE FAMILY.

>> THAT'S NICE.

>> Stephen: CAN'T YOU?

I'M NOT MISSING ANYTHING.

>> PEOPLE THAT SAY.

THEY GO, "YOU'RE VERY CLEAN."

>> Stephen: YES.

>> AND I'M NOT, BUT -- >> Stephen: SOMETIMES DARK.

>> DARK, YEAH, THE DARKER RECESS OF HUMANITY.

I TRY NOT TO SWEAR, BUT I DO SOMETIMES.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

>> AND I FOUND YOU CAN SWEAR IF YOU QUOTE SOMEONE.

( LAUGHTER ) IF YOU SAY, "A GUY SAID TO ME,"

AND THEN SAY THE FILTHIEST THING YOU EVER THOUGHT OF, PEOPLE GO,

"OH, HE SAID THAT TO YOU?" THEY NEVER ASSIGN THAT TO THE

SPEAKER.

>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.

>> THAT IS HOW I'VE BECOME THE SEMIDIRTY CLEANEST COMIC IN THE

UNITED STATES.

>> Stephen: "JOHN MULANEY AND THE SACK LUNCH BUNCH" IS A

NETFLIX SPECIAL.

CAN PEOPLE SEE IT NOW OR DO THEY HAVE TO WAIT?

>> THEY CAN SEE IT NOW ON NETFLIX.

IT PREMIERED DECEMBER 24.

IT'S A COMEDY SPECIAL, STARRING ME AND 15 CHILDREN.

>> Stephen: YOU ALMOST NAMED IT "LATCH KEY KIDS."

>> YES, JOHN MULANEY AND THE LATCH KEY KIDS.

>> Stephen: ARE YOU SURPRISED I KNEW THAT.

>> A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK OF THAT AS A PEJORATIVE TERM, A BAD

THING.

I WAS A LATCH KEY KID.

AND THAT MEANT YOU CAME HOME AND YOUR PARENTS WERE AT WORK AND

YOU HAD FUN, FREEDOM.

>> Stephen: IS THIS PERSON?" >> OH!

>> Stephen: IS THIS WHO WE'RE TALKING?

>> YES.

>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.

>> REAL QUICK, THE HAIRCUT, THE FRONT BANGS, I WOKE UP WITH GUM

IN MY HAIR, AND THEN I TOOK A PAIR OF SCISSORS, AND THAT'S MY

WORK RIGHT THERE, SNAPPED IT OFF.

>> Stephen: YOU DID THIS?

>> YEAH, DIMY OWN HAIR FOR THAT PHOTO.

>> Stephen: IT'S NICE.

>> I LOOKED REALLY CONFIDENT.

>> Stephen: IT'S VERY GOOD.

SHUUSE THIS AS YOUR HEAD SHOT.

>> YEAH.

THAT'S A COOL SHIRT, HONESTLY.

>> Stephen: SO WHAT WAS YOUR-- WHAT WAS YOUR FREEDOM LIKE WHEN

UPPER A LATCH KEY KID?

A FREE-RANGE CHICKEN?

WHAT WERE YOU DOING?

>> I WOULD COME HOME, I'D WATCH, LIKE, "MAURY."

>> Stephen: FOUND OUT WHO THE FATHER WAS.

>> AND THE DRILL SERGEANT WITH THE TEENS.

THAT GUY WOULD COME OUT AND YOU WERE LIKE, "IS HE IN THE ARMY

FOR REAL?" A BAD TEEN WOULD BE ON, AND

THEY'D BE LIKE, "I DON'T CARE WHAT MY MOM SAID."

AND A DRILL SERGEANT CAME OUT AND WOULD BE LIKE, "YOU'RE GOING

TO BE NICE TO YOUR MOTHER!" AND THEY WOULD CRY.

AND YOU'RE LIKE, IS THIS A MEMBER OF THE ARMED FORCE S.

>> Stephen: DID YOU GET A LESSON FROM THAT, I SHOULD BE

NICE TO MY MOM?

>> I'M STILL NICE TO MY PARENTS.

>> Stephen: I'M GLAD TO HEAR IT.

THEY ASKED ME TO ASK YOU THAT.

>> I ALWAYS-- I KNEW IT WAS GOOD FOR BUSINESS TO BE-- ALWAYS

KEEP-- BE NICE TO THEM.

>> Stephen: AND DID YOU SEE THAT BY LOOKING AT YOUR OLDER

BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND GOING, "OKAY, I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE

THOSE MISTAKES?

>> NO, MY BROTHER AND SISTER WERE LESS DRAWN TO TROUBLE THAN

I WAS.

I LIKE THE FLAME OF TROUBLE.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: AND YOU WERE THE MOTH OF...

>> I WAS THE MOTH OF THE FAMILY.

( LAUGHTER ) AND I WENT TOWARDS THE LIGHT

BULB THAT WAS THE ALLURE OF DANGER.

>> Stephen: THE GLAMOUR OF EVIL.

>> THE GLAMOUR OF EVIL.

AND I WAS THE MOTH THAT WENT TOWARDS IT.

AS THEY-- AS THEY SAY IN THE LETTER TO THE POLITICALLIANS.

SO I WOULD SEE MY FRIENDS GET IN TROUBLE, AND I WAS LIKE, YOU

CAN'T GET BUSTED.

THAT'S BAD FOR BUSINESS.

>> Stephen: OH, SURE.

>> SO I COME IN AND SAY-- I STILL AM VERY OVERLY POLITE WITH

MY PARENTS TO A DEGREE.

I'M KIND OF LIKE A WAITER WHEN I SEE THEM.

( LAUGHTER ) I'LL BE LIKE, "AND HOW ARE WE

THIS EVENING?

YES, ALL RIGHT?

YI KNOW.

THANK YOU, I'M GLAD.

OKAY.

I WILL BE BACK WITH SOME BREAD RIGHT NOW.

( LAUGHTER ) I WAS ON VACATION-- MY WIFE AND

I TOOK OUR MOMS ON A TRIP FOR MOTHER'S DAY.

YOU MIGHT HAVE HEARD ABOUT IT BECAUSE WE WERE PULLED OVER PER

HAVING TOO MANY PASHMEANIAS IN ONE CAR.

THIRD DAY OF MY TRIP MY WIFE SAID, "YOU ACT FAKE AROUND YOUR

MOM."

AND I SAID, "YEAH."

AND SHE SAID, "WHY DO YOU DO THAT?"

AND I SAID, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO."

I SAID, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ACT FAKE AROUND ADULTS."

AND MY WIFE SAID, "YOU'RE 36 YEARS OLD."

AND THEN SHE SAID, "SO THERE'S A FAKE YOU WITH YOUR PARENTS."

AND I SAID, "YES."

"AND THERE'S A FAKE YOU ON STAGE."

AND I SAID, "YES."

SEE ANNA SAID, "HOW I DO KNOW WHEN I'M WITH YOU IT'S THE REAL

YOU."

AND I SAID, "YOU DON'T."

(LAUGHTER).

>> Stephen: HOW DID THAT GO OVER?

>> SO-- LET ME TELL YOU.

SHE-- SHE THOUGHT-- SHE LOOKED AT ME AND SHE THOUGHT A LITTLE

BIT AND SHE SAID, "YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR NINE

YEARS.

AND I THINK WE'LL BE TOGETHER FOR A LONG TIME.

BUT YOU WILL NEVER REALLY KNOW WHAT I THINK OF YOU."

AND THEN SHE-- NO, BUT I LIKE THIS-- "AND I WILL NEVER KNOW

WHAT YOU THINK OF ME."

AND I SAID, "YEAH, IT'S KIND OF BEAUTIFUL."

AND I SAID, YOU KNOW, IF THERE'S A HELL, IF THERE'S AN AFTERLIFE,

IF THERE'S A HELL, I THINK IT'S AN ENCYCLOPEDIA, AND YOU CAN

JUST LOOK UP WHAT NERVE YOUR LIFE THOUGHT OF YOU.

AND IF THERE'S A HEAVEN IT'S A WIKIPEDIA, AND YOU CAN JUST

CHANGE THAT."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

THAT'S BEAUTIFUL AND SAD AT THE SAME TIME.

DID YOU WANT TO GET SOMETHING?

>>IMENTED WATER.

IS THIS YOURS?

>> Stephen: NO, THAT IS ABSOLUTELY YOURS.

I HAVE COFFEE OVER HERE.

>> YOU'RE DRINKING STRAIGHT-UP COFFEE.

>> Stephen: BLACK COFFEE, BABY DOLL.

FRESH CUP EVERY ACT.

>> A WHOLE CUP OF COFFEE EVERY ACT?

>> Stephen: JUST A COUPLE OF SIPS.

IT CLEANSES THE PAL AT AND LIGHTENS THE MIND.

JUST WATER?

>> JUST WATER FOR ME AND TREMENDOUS ANXIETY, YEAH.

( LAUGHTER ) ALWAYS --

>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A LOT OF ANXIETY?

>> I DO HAVE A LOT OF ANXIETY.

>> Stephen: AND THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T WANT ANYONE TO ACTUALLY

EVER TRULY KNOW YOU.

>> OH!

( LAUGHTER ) AHHH... THAT'S A REALLY GOOD

QUESTION.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

>> IS IT OKAY IF I TAKE TIME-- I KNOW WE'RE ON A NETWORK --

>> Stephen: I HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE RIGHT HERE.

JUST GIVE ME 15 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK, JIMMY.

>> OKAY.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: WHILE WE WAIT FOR AN ANSWER, A REMINDER TO OUR

AUDIENCE, JOHN MULANEY HAS BEEN ASKED THE QUESTION, "IS YOUR

ANXIETY WHY YOU DON'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW YOU?"

( LAUGHTER ) >> FROM AN EARLY AGE, I TRIED TO

BE FUNNY FOR THE ADULTS.

I MEAN, MY MOM SAID, "WHEN YOU WERE A BABY, YOU USED TO POKE

YOUR HEAD OUT OF BLANKETS."

AND SHE SAID, "IT WAS LIKE YOU KNEW HOW TO BE CUTE."

SHE DID SAY IT FLAITERRINGLY.

SHE SAID, "IT'S WEIRD, IT'S LIKE YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING."

I THINK I FEEL I HAVE TO PROVIDE THAT IN ORDER FOR PEOPLE TO LIKE

ME.

THEN, YOU KNOW, LIKE THE IDEA OF WOULD THEY LIKE ME JUST AS ME

WITHOUT POKING OUT OF THE BLANKET, METAPHORICALLY, IS A

REAL THOUGHT OR CONCERN.

>> Stephen: FOLLOW-UP QUESTION, MR. MULLANEY.

( LAUGHTER ) FOLLOW-UP QUESTION,

MR. MULLANEY.

AT THE CRUX OF YOUR ANSWER IS THE NEED TO BE LIKED.

>> RIGHT.

>> Stephen: DO YOU THINK YOU'LL EVER GET TO A STAGE WHERE

YOU CAN BE YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU DON'T CARE WHETHER THEY LIKE YOU

OR NOT?

>> UM, I DON'T MEAN TO TURN IT ON YOU, BUT --

>> Stephen: BUT.

>> HOW-- MAY I-- HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?

LIKE, WHERE ARE YOU AT IN YOUR PROCESS IN-- OR DO YOU HAVE A

PROCESS IN TERMS OF BEING IN THE PUBLIC EYE, BEING VERY FUNNY,

AND COMING HOME AND FACING STEPHEN IN THE MIRROR?

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).

( CHEERS ) THOSE 4:00 A.M. MOMENTS, YOU

KNOW.

( SIGHS ) >> Stephen: I HAVE GOTTEN TO A

PLACE WHERE I DON'T WANT A LOT FROM THE AUDIENCE OTHER THAN TO

MAKE THEM LAUGH AND TO MAKE A CONNECTION THAT MY INTERNAL

ANXIETIES, AS I EXPRESS THEM EXTERNALLY THROUGH THE JOKE,

WHEN IT MAKES THEM LAUGH, I HAVE THE SENSE OF CAMARADERIE AND

COMMUNITY THAT I'M NOT CRAZY TO FEEL THIS WAY, BECAUSE THEY

WOULDN'T LAUGH UNLESS THEY RECOGNIZED IT IT IN SOMEBODY

ELSE.

>> OKAY.

>> Stephen: IT MIGHT BE ANXIETY ABOUT LIFE OR DEATH OR

ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TODAY IN THE NEWS.

AND SO THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO I KNOW DON'T LIKE

ME.

BECAUSE OF THE SOMETIMES-DIVISIVE NATURE OF THE

JOKES THEY MAKE.

>> OH, OKAY.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

>> RIGHT.

THAT FEELS PERSONAL.

>> Stephen: WILL IF YOU KNOW THAT'S HAPPENING-- NO, WHAT

FEELS PERSONAL IS THE CONNECTION I MAKE WITH THE PEOPLE WHO DO

APPRECIATE THE JOKES.

AND BEYOND, THAT I'M JUST DOING MY JOB, AND I WISH NO ONE HARM.

AND IF SOME PEOPLE DON'T LIKE WHAT I DO, I DON'T LIKE THAT,

BUT IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.

>> WOW, THAT'S REALLY GREAT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S A-- THAT SOUNDS LIKE A

GREAT STATE TO BE IN.

>> Stephen: IT'S PRETTY GOOD.

>> THAT'S VERY GOOD, YEAH.

I THINK I AM COMING OUT OF A FAZE WHERE-- DO YOU KNOW THE

VELVET UNDERGROUND SONG "I'LL BE YOUR MIRROR"?

>> Stephen: YEAH.

>> I THINK IT'S A BEAUTIFUL SONG.

I REALIZED LISTENING TO IT, NO ONE ELSE CAN BE YOUR MIRROR.

YOU JUST HAVE TO NOT GO OFF WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF YOU TO BE

WHAT YOU ARE.

AND THIS-- I DON'T MEAN TO WEDGE IN TO THE THING I JUST WORKED

ON, BUT I WAS WORKING WITH THESE KIDS AGES 8-13, AND I THOUGHT

OH, I REMEMBER BEING THAT AGE, AND THAT IS THE STATE I WOULD

LIKE TO BE IN.

BECAUSE THEY WERE VERY KIND.

THEY WERE VERY THOUGHTFUL.

AND THEY ALSO KNEW THAT THEY HAD NO CONTROL OVER THEIR LIVES AT

ALL BECAUSE THEY WERE CHILDREN.

AND THEY WOULD SAY-- ONE KID SAID TO ME, "YOU KNOW, MY MOM

GETS REALLY MAD WHEN I GET BELOW A 90 ON A TEST."

I SAID A 90 IS GREAT.