TIME OVER THERE BUILDING MY STATE-OF-THE-ART RECORDING

STUDIO WITH SHOCK-MOUNTED DIRECTIONAL CONDENSER MICS

THEN RESEARCHING, WRITING, AND EDITING MY SUBJECTS, ALL TO

BROADCAST THE CRITICALLY ACCLAIMED SMASH-HIT PODCAST THAT

IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT, ONCE IN A WHILE, I LIKE TO STEAL A PREPAID NOKIA FLIP

FROM A GAS STATION, SMASH THE KEYS TO DIAL A RANDOM NUMBER,

THEN SCREAM INTO THE RECEIVER TO LEAVE THE DERANGED VOICEMAIL OF

NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE YOU GO.

THERE YOU GO.

GOOD TO KNOW.

>> STEPHEN: MEANWHILE, IN LONDON, A BRAIN SURGERY PATIENT

WAS FILMED PLAYING VIOLIN DURING HER OPERATION.

DAGMAR TURNER IS AN ARDENT VIOLINIST WHO NEEDED A BRAIN

TUMOR REMOVED.

IN ORDER TO AVOID DAMAGING HER COORDINATION, THE SURGEONS ASKED

HER TO PLAY THE VIOLIN "WHILE HER BRAIN WAS EXPOSED."

IT WAS THE MOST SURGERY DURING A MUSICAL PERFORMANCE SINCE B.T.S.

TREATED FANS TO A MID-CONCERT GROUP CIRCUMCISION.

( LAUGHTER ) ( AUDIENCE REACTS )

>> Stephen: IT WOULD BE FUN.

( LAUGHTER ) SHE'S EXPECTED TO MAKE A FULL

RECOVERY, AND HERE'S WHAT IT SOUNDED LIKE DURING THE

OPERATION-SLASH-JAM SESSION.

(PLAYING VIOLIN) >> STEPHEN: MM, NOT TO

CRITICIZE, BUT HER DAY-TASH-AY STROKES LACKED DEFINITION.

I REALIZE YOUR SKULL IS OPEN, DOESN'T MEAN YOU DROP YOUR

PROFESSIONALISM.

MEANWHILE, AN ADULT FILM WAS SHOT AT SANTA MONICA PUBLIC

LIBRARY DURING BUSINESS HOURS.

HOW DARE THEY!

LIBRARIES ARE NOT FOR MAKING PORN!

THEY'RE FOR WATCHING IT.

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, DALLAS, TEXAS HAS A

NEW LANDMARK, BECAUSE WHEN EXPLOSIVE CHARGES WERE SET OFF

TO DEMOLISH AN 11-STORY OFFICE BUILDING, THEY DIDN'T QUITE GET

THE WHOLE THING.

THE FAILED DEMO SHOULDN'T BE A COMPLETE SURPRISE, GIVEN THE

PROJECT'S SUPERVISOR.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

ACCORDING TO THE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE, THIS WAS NO ONE'S

FAULT, AND NOTHING ACTUALLY WENT WRONG.

AS A MEMBER OF THE DEMOLITION TEAM PUT IT, "THE BUILDING FELL

THE WAY IT WAS SUPPOSED TO FALL.

IT HAPPENED TO STOP RIGHT THERE."

( LAUGHTER ) I'M GLAD THIS PERSON IS NOT A

SURGEON.

"THE TRANSPLANT WENT THE WAY IT WAS SUPPOSED TO.

WE TOOK OUT YOUR CURRENT LIVER AND HAPPENED TO STOP RIGHT

THERE."

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "RESEARCH SHOWS THAT

39% OF DATING APP USERS HAVE SWIPED RIGHT BECAUSE THEY WANTED

TO MEET THE DOG IN SOMEONE'S PROFILE MORE THAN THEY WANTED TO

MEET THE PERSON."

WHICH IS ALL WELL AND GOOD, UNTIL THEY GET THERE AND THE DOG

LOOKS NOTHING LIKE ITS PICTURE.

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, THE HOUSTON ASTROS

CHEATING SCANDAL CONTINUES TO ROIL THE SPORTS WORLD.

ESPECIALLY THE BASEBALL COMMISSIONER'S DECISION NOT TO

STRIP THE ASTROS OF THEIR WORLD SERIES TITLE.

IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD THAT LEBRON JAMES HAS NOW WEIGHED IN,

TWEETING: "LISTEN HERE, BASEBALL COMMISSIONER.

LISTEN TO YOUR PLAYERS SPEAKING TODAY ABOUT HOW DISGUSTED, MAD,

HURT, BROKEN, ETCETERA, ETCETERA, ABOUT THIS.

YOU NEED TO FIX THIS FOR THE SAKE OF SPORTS!

HASTAG "JUST-MY-THOUGHTS-COMING-FROM-A-

SPORTS-JUNKIE-REGARDLESS-MY-OWN- SPORT-I-PLAY."

THAT IS AN EXCELLENT POINT.

( LAUGHTER ) IN FACT, I'M GOING TO TWEET MY

SUPPORT OF LEBRON RIGHT NOW.

"WHAT LEBRON SAID.

HASHTAG "LEBRON-NEEDS-TO-FIX-HIS-HASHTAG

-GAME-BECAUSE-IT'S-SUPPOSED-TO-B E-CATCHY,-MEMORABLE,-AND-SHORT,-

AND-SUM-UP-THE-GIST-OF-YOUR-POIN T,-NOT-AN-ENTIRE-PARAGRAPH-THAT-

RESTATES-EVERYTHING-YOU-JUST-SAI D."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )

MEANWHILE, MAYONNAISE.

IT'S GETTING AN UPGRADE, BECAUSE A JAPANESE COMPANY HAS INVENTED

CONVENIENT SLICED MAYONNAISE.

ONE FLAVORED LIKE TUNA, AND ONE FLAVORED LIKE SPICY COD ROE.

THAT SOUNDS DELICI...

(DRY HEAVE) ( LAUGHTER )

WHAT COULD BE BETTER THAN A NICE FIRM SLICE OF CONGEALED MAYON...

(DRY HEAVE) ( LAUGHTER )

( PIANO RIFF ) >> Jon: OH!

I DON'T LIKE MAYONNAISE.

>> Stephen: I MEAN, WHO NOSE, IT COULD BE THE PERFECT ADDITION

TO YOUR NEXT B.L....

(DRY HEAVE) >> Jon: GIVE ME SOME MUSTARD.

>> Stephen: SIDE NOTE -- THE COMPANY CAREFULLY PHRASES

THE DESCRIPTION AS "A SHEET-LIKE CONDIMENT."

BECAUSE LEGALLY, YOU CAN'T CALL YOUR CONDIMENT A "SHEET" IF THE

THREAD-COUNT IS UNDER 150.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT LET'S NOT JUDGE.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT A SLICE OF MAYONNAISE LOOKS LIKE.

OH, GOD!

( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THIS LOOKS LIKE FOOD SERVED BY

ALIENS WHO ARE TRYING TO FIT IN!

"I HAVE PREPARED YOUR SPAGHETTI WITH MAYONNAISE SHEET.

I AM SO GLAD WE ARE EATING THIS INSTEAD OF DELICIOUS HUMAN

FLESH.

( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )

I AM SO GLAD WE ARE EATING THIS INSTEAD OF DELICIOUS HUMAN

FLESH.

EAT!

EAT UNTIL YOU ARE MARBLED."

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "ABC IS LAUNCHING A

'BACHELOR' SPIN-OFF FOR SENIOR CITIZENS."

HOPEFULLY WITH BETTER RESULTS THAN THE SENIOR CITIZEN-EDITION

OF "AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR."

( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN

TURTURRO.