MY FIRST GUEST IS THE EMMY AWARD-WINNING ACTRESS YOU KNOW

FROM "THE SOPRANOS," "NURSE JACKIE," AND "OZ."

PLEASE WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EDIE FALCO.

♪ OH, EDIE FALCO EDIE FALCO ♪

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: EDIE FALCO.

NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

>> NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, I AM A FAN, I THINK AS I TOLD YOU SIX

YEARS IN 2014 WHEN YOU WERE ON THE OLD GIG--

>> SO THAT HASN'T GONE AWAY.

>> Stephen: HAS NOT GONE AWAY.

STILL A FAN.

>> THAT'S GOOD.

>> Stephen: SIX YEARS.

HOW HAVE THE LAST SIX YEARS BEEN FOR YOU?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> OH, NOT MUCH.

>> Stephen: THE WORLD JUST GRINDS ON.

>> YES, YOU KNOW, DAY AFTER DAY, SAME OLD-SAME OLD.

>> Stephen: DO YOU BECOME ANXIOUS OVER THE CONDITION OF

THE WORLD?

>> YEAH, I SPEND A LITTLE TOO MUCH TIME WATCHING CNN.

I CAN'T HELP IT.

I'M A LITTLE OBSESSED.

THAT AND MSNBC, IF THEY GO TO A DOG COMMERCIAL, I HAVE TO CHANGE

TO MSNBC, BUT BACK AND FORTH.

>> Stephen: SO MSNBC IS BETTER THAN A DOG COMMERCIAL.

>> YOU KNOW-- YES, IT IS.

I'M TERRIFIED OF MISSING WHATEVER THE LATEST LITTLE PIECE

OF NEWS IS.

>> Stephen: IT WILL FIND YOU.

>> ODDLY ENOUGH -- >> Stephen: IT WILL FIND YOU.

>> I THINK YOU ARE RIGHT.

>> Stephen: IT IS HEAT-SEEKING NEWS.

>> AND THAT IS MY FEAR, IT WILL FIND ME BIFER KNOW.

>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU CALM DOWN THEN?

WE ALL NEED EYE BAKE ON THE WEEKENDS.

>> I SEW.

>> Stephen: YOU SEW?

>> YES.

MY GRANDMOTHER UOTHER ORIGINAL EDIE FALCO --

>> Stephen: YOU WERE NAMED AFTER HER?

>> I WAS.

I WAS NAMED AFTER MY FATHER'S

MOTHER.

AND SHE WAS A SEAMSTRESS, WHICH IS NEITHER HERE NOR THERE.

I DISCOVERED SEWING ON MY OWN, LITTLE TINY STITCHES.

IT'S A LITTLE PSYCHOTIC.

>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU DO?

ONE CANNOT JUST STITCH SOMETHING?

>> FABRIC, USUALLY TWO TOGETHER.

>.>> Stephen: TWO PIECES TOGETHER IS ONE OF THE THINGS I

UNDERSTAND YOU STITCH WITH.

CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC?

>> I'M GETTING THERE, I'M GETTING THERE.

I MAKE LITTLE USELESS THINGS THAT NOBODY NEEDS OR WANTS, BUT

IT DOES NOT TAKE AWAY FROM THE JOY I GET FROM PUTTING THEM

TOGETHER WHEN THEY WEREN'T ORIGINALLY.

>> Stephen: YOU SHOULD OPEN A SHOP.

JUST CALL IT, "USELESS THINGS THAT NOBODY NEED OR WANTS."

>> I'M GOING TO TRY TO RIDE OUT THIS ACTING THING A LITTLE

LONGER.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE BIGGEST PROJECT YOU HAVE TAKEN ON?

>> I'VE UPHOLSTERED A NUMBER OF COUCHES.

>> Stephen: THAT IS HUGE.

I UPHOLSTER MED THE SEAT OF A WOODEN CHAIR ONCE.

IT TOOK ME SEVERAL DAYS.

>> I FIND THAT IMMENSELY -- >> Stephen: AND WHEN IT WAS

DONE, MY WIFE TOLD ME I PUT THE FABRIC ON INSIDE-OUT.

>> I WOULD NEVER HAVE DONE THAT.

>> Stephen: A COUCH IS A HUGE PROJECT.

>> IT'S A HUGE PROJECT.

>> Stephen: DID YOU SEW A COUCH?

>> I SEWED A COUCH BUT I DID IT TOTALLY WRONG.

I DID IT A SPECIAL WAY.

THERE WAS A LOT OF RUBBER CEMENT, INVOLVED BUT IT'S NOT

IMPORTANT.

>> Stephen: THE ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO USE RUBBER CEMENT

WHEN YOU'RE SEWING?

>> IT STAYED ON, IT'S FINE.

>> Stephen: I WELDED A SWEATER ONCE.

>> HOW DID THAT WORK OUT FOR YOU?

I WENT TO CLEAN THIS COUCH THAT I HAD, YOU KNOW, LITTLE TEENY

STITCHED AND THERE WAS A LITTLE THING ON IT.

AND I WENT AND GOT A LITTLE SPRAY BOTTLE-- BLEACH.

>> Stephen: OH, NO.

>> YEAH, I SINGLE-HANDEDLY DESTROYED THE COACH THEY

UPHOLSTERED SO NOW I HAVE ANOTHER PROJECT.

>> Stephen: IT LOOKS LIKE LIKE AN APLUCIA PONY.

EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU AS A TREMENDOUSLY SUCCESSFUL AND

TALENTED ACTRESS, BUT I ASSUME HUTO DO SOME JOBS TO GET BY WHEN

YOU WERE STARTING OFF AS AN ACTOR.

>> OH, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: DID YOU DO THE CLASSICS?

>> THE JOBS I'VE DONE.

>> Stephen: THE WAITER.

>> I DID THAT FOR A VERY, VERY LONG TIME.

>> Stephen: FIVE YEARS.

>> CLOSER TO 20.

I WAS VERY GOOD.

I COULD HANDLE MANY, MANY TABLE AT ONCE.

>> Stephen: DON'T GET IN THE WEEDS.

>> I COULD HANDLE A LOT OF STUFF BUT DON'T TALK TO ME.

I COULDN'T-- IT WAS THE PEOPLE I HATED.

SO -- >> Stephen: FOOD.

>> FOOD, I COULD DO ANYTHING.

>> Stephen: FOOD WAS FINE.

>> GIVE ME AN EMPTY ROOM WITH 40 TABLES THAT NEED FOOD, BUT YOU

PEOPLE PEOPLE IN, AND THAT ARE SCREWED.

>> Stephen: WOW.

>> I HAVE HAD MANY JOBS.

>> Stephen: HOW WERE THE TIPS?

>> NOT GREAT.

I'VE HAD COINS THROWN AT ME.

IT WAS ULTIMATELY A LITTLE SELF-DEFEATING.

>> Stephen: DID YOU MAKE A LOT OF MONEY DOING THIS?

>> NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.

I DIDN'T.

BUT THIS WAS IN THE EARLY DAYS WHEN PEOPLE USED TO BE ABLE TO

LIVE IN NEW YORK FOR NOT AS MUCH MONEY.

>> Stephen: SURE.

>> THIS IS GOING BACK A WAYS.

I DID THAT FOR A WHILE.

>> Stephen: WHAT WAS YOUR BEST TIP?

>> MY BEST TIP?

QUIT.

I HAVE NO IDEA.

WELL, THERE WAS ONE TIME WHEN PEOPLE WERE DRINKING HEAVILY,

AND I KEPT STROG BRING THEM OVER THE PITCHERS OF BEER, AND THE

GUY DROPPED THE $20 ON THE FLOOR, AND I JUST PUT MY FOOT

OVER IT AND CONTINUED-- AND I KIND OF WALKED AWAY LIKE THAT.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: THAT'S FAIR.

>> IT WAS NOT A GOOD MOMENT.

>> Stephen: IT'S FAIR.

>> IT WASN'T.

I'M STILL WORKING ON GETTING OVER THAT ONE.

>> Stephen: ANY OTHER JOBS PAYING THE BILLS?

>> MANY, MANY JOBS.

I ANSWERED PHONES AT A COSTUME SHOP.

THEY MADE A LOT OF BROADWAY COSTUMES.

>> Stephen: IS IT STILL THERE?

>> I DON'T EVEN.

I BET YOU IT IS.

I BET YOU IT IS.

>> Stephen: AND YOU ANSWERED THE PHONE AND SAID, "HELLO, YES,

WE HAVE THAT.

>> "WE HAVE THAT.

YOU CAN COME HERE AT 4:00 AND MEET SO-AND-SO."

LIZA MINNELLI WAS GETTING FITTEDLY IN THE ROOM NEXT TO ME,

ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE.

IT WAS A BIG DEAL FOR KIDS FROM LONG ISLAND.

NONETHELESS, LIZA GOES INTO THE FITTING, WE GET A PHONE CALL,

"IT'S JACK, I NEED TO TALK TO LIZA."

"SHE'S IN A FITTING."

"I NEED HER NOW."

THIS GUY WAS GETTING HEATED AND I KNOCKED ON THE DOOR AND NOBODY

ANSWERED AND I OPENED THE DOOR, AND LIZA MINNELLI WAS NAKED.

>> Stephen: WOW.

HOW DID SHE TAKE THE INTRUSION?

>> I BLACKED OUT.

I'M NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT.

I HAVE VERY LITTLE MEMORY WHAT HAPPENED.

>> Stephen: YOU HAVE MET HER SINCE THEN.

>> I HAVE MET HER SINCE THEN.

I DID NOT BRING IT UP.

DID NOT BRING IT UP.

>> Stephen: YOU HAVE TO.

>> NO.

>> Stephen: SHE'LL BE FINE WITH IT.

>> I KNOW SHE WATCHES THE SHOW ALL THE TIME.

>> Stephen: SHE WATCHES THIS SHOW OR YOUR SHOW?

>> YOUR SHOW.

>> Stephen: HELLO, LIZA.

I'M SURE IT WAS GLORIOUS.

>> AS AN ASIDE I WANT TO SAY THAT YOU ARE SUCH A SMART, SMART

MAN, AND I AM SO GRATEFUL YOU ARE ON TV.

>> Stephen: OH, YOU'RE NICE.

I WORK WITH A LOT OF SMART, SMART PEOPLE.

I SOUND SMART BECAUSE OF THE PEOPLE I WORK WITH.

( APPLAUSE ).

>> YOU SAY SMART THINGS AND YOU MAKE ME CALMER, THAT'S ALL.

>> Stephen: GOOD.

THAT'S PART OF THE JOB.

WE WANT TO MAKE YOU CALMER.

>> I WATCH YOUR SHOW AND I CALM DOWN.

THANK YOU FOR THAT.

>> Stephen: SEND ME A LITTLE OUTFIT OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

>> NO.

>> Stephen: SEW ME A COUCH.

KNIT ME A CAR.

YOU HAVE A NEW CBS SHOW.

WE'RE ALL IN THE FAMILY NOW.

>> I DO, YES.

>> Stephen: IT'S CALLED "TOMMY," WHERE IF I'M NOT

MISTAKEN YOU PLAY THE FIRST FEMALE POLICE CHIEF OF

LOS ANGELES.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Stephen: HAVE YOU-- WHAT IS YOUR EXPERIENCE, MADAM-- AND I

REMIND YOU, YOU'RE UNDER OATH.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: WHAT IS YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH THE POLICE?

HAVE YOU HAD YOUR OWN RUN-INS?

>> MY REAL-LIFE EXPERIENCE?

WELL, I TRY NOT TO USE THE "WOMAN ON A TV SHOW" THING BUT I

DO SOMETIMES.

I'VE BEEN PULLED OVER, AND I TURN MY HEAD A LITTLE MORE THAN

UNDER OTHER SERIES, I'VE NEVER PAID A TICKET.

AND FROM THIS POINT ON I WILL BECAUSE I JUST SAID THAT YOU.

>> Stephen: DRIVE A CAR IN NEW YORK CITY?

>> I DRIVE A CAR, BUT I DRIVE A VESPER.

>> Stephen: YOU DRIVE A VESPER.

>> I DRIVE A VESPA.

IT'S THE BEST THING EVER.

I JUST GOT AN ELECTRIC ONE.

>> Stephen: IT SOUNDS A LITTLE DANGEROUS.

IT'S NOT ROME.

>> ROME IS DANGEROUS.

THIS IS REALLY PRETTY CALM.

I DRIVE IN AND OUT OF TRAFFIC, AND SOMETIMES I GO A LITTLE

FAST.

>> Stephen: DO YOU GO UP ON THE SIDEWALKS AND STUFF LIKE

THAT?

>> NO-- ONE TIME.

>> Stephen: THE COPS STOP YOU ON YOUR VESPA?

>> THERE ARE SOME VERY LOVELY COPS IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD RIGHT IN

THE WEST VILLAGE, AND THEY'VE COME TO KNOW ME A LITTLE BIT.

AND IT'S KIND OF EMBARRASSING.

WHOOP!

AND THEY GO, "EDIE!" AND I GO, "I'M SORRY."

EVENTUALLY THEY WILL HAVE TO GIVE ME A TICKET, BUT THUS FAR

THEY HAVE BEEN VERY NICE.

>> Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP HERE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THIS CLIP?

>> I'M THE CHIEF OF POLICE.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: AND YOU'RE IN LOS ANGELES.

>> AND WE'RE IN LOS ANGELES.

>> Stephen: BUT I THINK YOU'RE A NEW YORKER, RIGHT?

>> I AM, THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Stephen: JAMES.

>> I DON'T THINK IT'S SAFE FOR YOU TO GO OUT THERE, CHIEF.

I'LL TAKE THIS GUY.

THE LAST THING I NEED SAY SECURITY DETAIL WORRIED ABOUT

HURTING HIS DRINKING HAND.

>> I'M NOT BORDER NOTHING.

>> NOT IN THAT SUIT.

>> WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

>> BRONX.

>> HICKSVILLE.

>> LONG ISLAND?

>> HICKSVILLE IS NOT HICKSVILLE.

>> HICKSVILLE IS NOT BEING ABLE TO GET A BAGEL.

HIXSVILLE IS NOT BEING ABLE TO GET A SLICE.

>> YOU CAN?

>> HERE.

>> I'VE GOT A GUY.

>> A REAL NEW YORK SLICE?

DIAZ, THESE ARE INVALUABLE SKILLS.

( APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU.

YOU AS WELL.

>> Stephen: "TOMMY" PREMIERES NEXT THURSDAY AT 10:00 P.M. ON

CBS.

EDIE FALCO, EVERYBODY!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COMEDIAN FORTUNE FEIMSTER.