I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT, AND WE ARE COMING TO YOU RIGHT

NOW-- THAT IS THE EXCITEMENT OF A LIVE SHOW, LIVE, RIGHT AFTER--

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) RIGHT AFTER TONIGHT'S STATE OF

THE UNION.

THAT MEANS WE JUST WATCHED WHAT YOU JUST WATCHED.

WE FELT WHAT YOU FELT!

WE DRANK WHAT YOU DRANK!

ONLY NOW WE'RE DRUNK AT WORK NOW.

I HOPE MY BOSS DOESN'T FIND OUT.

OH WAIT, THAT'S ME!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, I HAVE A-- I HAVE A FEELING

HE'S GOING TO BE COOL WITH IT.

NOW, TONIGHT, DONALD TRUMP ADDRESSED THE FOLKS WHO ARE

STILL DECIDING HIS FATE IN THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.

YOU KNOW, IT GOT A LITTLE AWKWARD AT TIMES.

AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN A VERY SPECIAL EDITION OF OUR

SEGMENT, "DON AND THE GIANT IMSPEECH."

>> THE STATE OF OUR UNION IS-- I DON'T LIKE MOSQUITOES!

>> Stephen: TONIGHT'S SPEECH HAD A THEME: "THE GREAT AMERICAN

COMEBACK."

NICE TITLE.

BUT I WANT TO POINT OUT, TONIGHT HE NEVER ACTUALLY SAID THE GREAT

AMERICAN COMEBACK: "I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?"

( LAUGHTER ) THEN, THE BIG MOMENT ARRIVED.

FIRST, THEY INTRODUCED THE SUPREME COURT JUSTICES, LED BY

JOHN ROBERTS, WHO IS STILL WORKING DOUBLE DUTY OVERSEEING

THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.

YET ANOTHER AMERICAN FORCED TO WORK TWO JOBS IN TRUMP'S

ECONOMY.

( LAUGHTER ) AND AS ALWAYS, THE PRESIDENT

INVITED SOME SPECIAL GUESTS TO THE GALLERY, WITH

INSPIRING STORIES OF ENDURING UNIMAGINABLE HARDSHIP.

FOR INSTANCE, MELANIA.

( LAUGHTER ) OOF COURSE, AS IS TRADITIONAL--

( APPLAUSE ) SURE, MELANIA, WHY NOT.

FIRST LADY.

AS IS TRADITIONAL, MIKE PENCE WAS THERE.

HE GOT SPECIAL PERMISSION FROM MOTHER TO STAND THAT CLOSE TO A

WOMAN.

AND BEFORE THE SPEECH EVEN STARTED, TRUMP THREW SOME SHADE.

HE WOULDN'T SHAKE PELOSI'S HAND!

THERE IT IS.

>> Audience: OOOH!

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

MADAM SPEAKER, NEXT TIME JUST OFFER HIM ONE FINGER.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

WHAT?

WHAAA.

ONCE DONALD TRUMP STARTED TALKING, HE TOUTED THE ECONOMY.

>> THE YEARS OF ECONOMIC DECAY ARE OVER.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) BUT THE YEARS OF MENTAL DECAY

HAVE JUST BEGUN!

( LAUGHTER ) WHERE IS KANSAS CITY?

WHERE IS MISSOURI?

I'LL NEVER KNOW."

( LAUGHTER ) NOW, TRUMP JUMPED RIGHT INTO

BRAG MODE: >> WE HAVE REJECTED THE

DOWNSIZING OF AMERICANS' DESTINY.

WE HAVE TOTALLY REJECTED THE DOWNSIZING.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "WE WILL NOT DOWNSIZE.

WE WILL SUPER-SIZE THE MEAL OF ECONOMIC GROWTH, BIGGIE JOB,

BIGGIE FRY.

WE WILL NOTCH A NEW BELT LOOP IN THE MAN-SPANX OF FREEDOM."

BUT TRUMP DID A LOT OF BRAGGING ABOUT THE ECONOMY AS I SAID, AND

HE SINGLED OUT THIS DEMOGRAPHIC: >> A RECORD NUMBER OF AMERICANS

ARE NOW EMPLOYED.

>> Stephen: MOSTLY CAMPAIGNING FOR BERNIE.

AND THEN-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

A LITTLE LOUDER.

NOT GETTING IT OVER HERE, RIGHT HERE.

AND THEN HE SAID THESE ACTUAL INSANE PHRASES THAT WERE

ACTUALLY WRITTEN INTO THE ACTUAL STATE OF THE UNION.

>> THE FACT IS THAT EVERYBODY WANTS TO BE WHERE THE ACTION IS

AND THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA IS INDEED THE PLACE WHERE THE

ACTION IS.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "THAT IS OUR NATION'S NEW MOTTO:

AMERICA: WHERE THE ACTION IS, HOME OF THE LOOSEST SLOTS IN THE

FREE WORLD."

( LAUGHTER ) NOW, PRESIDENT TRUMP ALSO

ANSWERED ONE OF THE BIGGEST QUESTIONS THAT WE'VE ALL HAD FOR

PAST FOUR YEARS.

>> UNFAIR TRADE IS PERHAPS THE SINGLE BIGGEST REASON THAT I

DECIDED TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)

"THAT, AND A DARE FROM GARY BUSEY.

GARY, YOU OWE ME TWENTY BUCKS."

NOW, IT DID NOT TAKE LONG FOR TRUMP TO WAX PHILOSOPHICAL.

>> ALWAYS REMEMBER, FREEDOM UNIFIES THE SOUL.

>> Stephen: YES, THIS PART OF THE SPEECH BROUGHT TO YOU BY

MAGNETIC REFRIGERATOR POETRY.

(AS TRUMP) "FREEDOM... UNIFIES... THE

SOUL... DESPAIR...

EXTINGUISHES... BANANA."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

"I LIKE IT.

I LIKE IT.

PUT THE BOX OVER THERE."

( APPLAUSE ) TRUMP TOOK A MOMENT TO CELEBRATE

AND BOAST ABOUT OUR NEW MILITARY HARD BARE.

>> WE HAVE PURCHASED THE FINEST PLANES, MISSILES, ROCKETS,

SHIPS.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "ONLY THE FINEST.

WE SPRANG FOR THE UNDERCOATING ON THE ROCKETS.

WE PUT SUN ROOFS ON THE TANKS, AND POWER WINDOWS ON OUR

BOMBERS.

SWEET."

NOW, DURING THE SPEECH, TRUMP HONORED A DISTINGUISHED VETERAN.

>> AFTER MORE THAN 130 COMBAT MISSIONS IN WORLD WAR II, HE

CAME BACK HOME TO A COUNTRY STILL STRUGGLING FOR CIVIL

RIGHTS.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "AND THANKS TO ME, WE'RE ON THE

CUSP OF FINALLY DEFEATING CIVIL RIGHTS ONCE AND FOR ALL."

( LAUGHTER ) HE MADE UP A LOT OF STUFF, LIKE

SAYING HE WAS TRYING TO PROTECT PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS.

I THINK HE ASSUMED OUR PRE-EXISTING CONDITION IS

AMNESIA HE TRIED TO DESTROY PROTECTIONS FOR PRE-EXISTING

CONDITIONS.

BUT HE ALSO HIT ON ONE OF HIS FAVORITE LIES: SOCIALISTS, WE'RE

COMING FOR YOU.

>> 132 LAWMAKERS IN THIS ROOM HAVE ENDORSED LEGISLATION TO

TAKE OVER OUR HEALTH CARE SYSTEM, WIPING OUT THE PRIVATE

HEALTH INSURANCE PLANS OF 180 MILLION VERY HAPPY AMERICANS.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU JUST HEARD THE

SINGLE CLAP OF THE ONLY PERSON IN AMERICA WHO LIKES THEIR

HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANY.

( LAUGHTER ) HE KEPT UP THE TALKING.

>> TO THOSE WATCHING AT HOME TONIGHT, I WANT YOU TO KNOW WE

WILL NEVER LET SOCIALISM DESTROY AMERICAN HEALTHCARE.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "NO, THAT'S CAPITALISM'S JOB.

I SAY, NEVER CHANGE GRIM REAPERS IN MID-STREAM."

( LAUGHTER ) BUT TRUMP ALSO PUSHED FOR A NEW

FAMILY-FRIENDLY BILL: >> NOW I CALL ON THE CONGRESS TO

PASS THE BIPARTISAN ADVANCING SUPPORT FOR WORKING FAMILIES

ACT, EXTENDING FAMILY LEAVE TO MOTHERS AND FATHERS ALL ACROSS

OUR NATION.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "AND AS A FATHER MYSELF, I KNOW

THAT WHEN IT COMES TO FAMILY, I ALWAYS LEAVE."

( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WOW!

( APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.

IT'S TRUE, CHRIS.

TRUMP TOOK A MOMENT TO INCLUDE THE WORLDWIDE WEB IN HIS FUTURE

INFRASTRUCTURE PLAN.

>> I AM ALSO COMMITTED TO ENSURING THAT EVERY CITIZEN CAN

HAVE ACCESS TO HIGH-SPEED INTERNET, INCLUDING AND

ESPECIALLY.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "PORNOGRAPHY.

( LAUGHTER ) I'LL SEND YOU GUYS SOME

LINKS."

( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S NOT WHAT HE SAID.

HE SAID THIS: >> I'M ALSO COMMITTED TO

ENSURING THAT EVERY CITIZEN CAN HAVE ACCESS TO HIGH-SPEED

INTERNET, INCLUDING AND ESPECIALLY IN RURAL AMERICA.

>> Stephen: TO WHICH IOWA REPLIED, "THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN

HANDY YESTERDAY!" IT'S TRUE, JON.

>> Jon: I KNOW!

>> Stephen: IT WOULD HAVE BEEN HANDY.

>> Jon: IT WOULD HAVE BEEN HANDY.

>> Stephen: MORE ON THAT LATER.

MORE ON THAT LATER.

HE SPOKE OUT AGAINST ONE OF HIS GREATEST ENEMIES: CALIFORNIA.

>> THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA PASSED AN OUTRAGEOUS LAW

DECLARING THEIR WHOLE STATE TO BE A STANK-TUARY FOR CRIMINAL

ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "YES, A STANK-TUARY.... FOR

SMELL-LEGALS.

A DECISION THAT WAS VERY UN-POOP-ULAR."

( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

TRUMP AGAIN-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

SURE.

>> NATURALLY, NATURALLY, MILK IT.

>> Stephen: TRUMP BEGAN TO WRAP THINGS UP AT THE END OF THE

SPEECH WITH WHAT APPEARED TO BE JUST KIND OF A RANDOM LIST OF

PEOPLE.

>> THIS IS THE HOME OF THOMAS EDISON AND TEDDY ROOSEVELT, OF

MANY GREAT GENERALS, INCLUDING WASHINGTON, PERSHING, PATTON,

AND MACARTHUR.

THIS IS THE HOME OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN, FREDERICK DOUGLASS,

AMELIA EARHART, HARRIET TUBMAN, THE WRIGHT BROTHERS, NEIL

ARMSTRONG, AND SO MANY MORE.

THIS IS THE COUNTRY WHERE CHILDREN LEARN NAMES LIKE WYATT

EARP, DAVY CROCKETT, AND ANNIE OAKLEY.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "NAMES LIKE MICKEY MOUSE,

SLIMER, THE MY PILLOW GUY, AND OF COURSE THOSE BEARS WITH THE

CLEAN BUTTS FROM CHARMIN.

AMERICA: ENJOY THE GO."

HE CONTINUED: >> OUR ANCESTORS BRAVED THE

UNKNOWN; TAMED THE WILDERNESS; SETTLED THE WILD WEST; LIFTED

MILLIONS FROM POVERTY, DISEASE, AND HUNGER; VANQUISHED TYRANNY

AND FASCISM.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "AND IN JUST THREE YEARS, I

BROUGHT THOSE LAST TWO BACK."

SCATTERING APPLAUSE FOR FASCISM.

CAN'T BEAT THEM, JOIN THEM.

THEN TRUMP KEPT IT UP.

>> AMERICA IS THE PLACE WHERE ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)"I MEAN, >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)

"I MEAN, LOOK AT ME.

NO ONE SAW THIS COMING.

THAT MUST HAVE SHOCKED A LOT OF PEOPLE.

>> Jon: I DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING.

>> Stephen: ONE THING WE CAN ALL AGREE ON IS, "MY FELLOW

AMERICANS, THE STATE OF OUR UNION WAS LONG."

BUT FINALLY, TRUMP ENDED THE SPEECH AND NANCY PELOSI DID

THIS.

( APPLAUSE ) SHE RIPPED HIM A NEW ONE.

( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

TONIGHT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JOHN LEGUIZAMO IS HERE.

WHEN WE RETURN, CHAOS IN IOWA.

TONIGHT, LIVE!

STICK AROUND!