- Testing, testing, diabetes is a mindset.

Test, one, two, one, two.

We good?

All right, what's up Chieng Gang,

it's your boy, Ronny Chieng here

with an episode of #Crushing, success podcast for winners.

Lots of people always ask me, hey Ronny,

how can we crush it as hard as you're crushing it?

Well the answer is, you can't.

Yo, I'm crushing it harder than science thought possible.

I've written 13 books, delivered 58 Ted Talks,

and I follow over 78,000 people on Twitter.

I post over 400 inspirational quotes on Instagram a day.

I'm a nonstop dynamo of epic winning.

I'm like Elon Musk without the weird anime fetish,

all right, fuck you, Elon.

- [Announcer] That's a Ronny bomb!

- But hey, if you listen to this P cast and follow my advice

maybe you too could ride this crush train to Crush Town.

The train conductor on that by the way, Jeremy Piven.

(train whistle blows)

All right, I'm ready to pound, let's get this show started.

(rock music)

- [Announcer] Success, money, Instagram.

AirPods, bacon.

- Woo!

Still buzzing, you guys,

I just gave the keynote address to a power thought summit.

Brought to you by Forbes and Lean Cuisine.

The title of my speech,

"How Every Entrepreneur Has to Try Huffing Spray Paint."

Check that out on YouTube or you can buy my new book,

"The Success Virus: How to Infect Yourself with Winning."

The book tour for that went viral, by the way.

Several attendees got legionnaires disease.

(rock music)

- [Men] Cleanse, cleanse, cleanse, cleanse, cleanse!

- Hell yeah!

You know what that means.

It's time for the Cleanse Report.

Right now I'm on a solid and liquids cleanse.

That means I'm not drinking

or eating solids or liquids for two weeks.

For breakfast I had some vape smoke and for lunch

I'm gonna suck the helium out of a balloon animal.

I gotta tell you guys,

ever since I started this cleanse

my energy is up, my blood pressure is down,

and my motor skills are shot.

(guitar riff)

If any of that sounds appealing to you

why don't you check out my website?

Ronnychieng.proteinpower

where I've got some exclusive recipes

and an interview with Ashton Kutcher.

(rock music) (engine roars)

- [Announcer] That's a Ronny Bomb!

- Let's crush an ad break right now.

And when we're back, we're gonna have my special guest,

The Daily Show's Roy Wood Jr.

And I'm gonna ask him

if he's ever snorted dog tranquilizers.

Woo! (gunfire)

(rock music)

Today's episode is brought to you by

Doctor Manhood's Tissues for Men.

Are you tired of girly tissues

that look like they were designed by Nancy Meyers,

director of "Something's Gotta Give" and "The Holidays",

whatever those are.

Then you need Doctor Manhood's Tissues for Men.

They're 100% testosterone fueled bad ass tissues

for jacked up bros. - For jacked up bros.

- Okay, they're just like regular tissues

except they come in a black box

with like flames on the side.

You wouldn't wear ladies clothes

or vote for a female politician,

then why are you blowing your nose

with a woman's Kleenex?

Doctor Manhood's Tissues for Men.

Don't blow your nose, bro your nose.

Today's episode of #Crushing is brought to you by

Ronny Chieng's Cursed Healing Crystals.

Listen, bros, these crystals will fucking change your life.

I recently mowed down a witch in my Tesla

and we went back to check for the body

All that was there was this burlap sack

filled with these crystals, okay,

and now I'm selling them to you.

For literally any amount of money.

Please, seriously, I just need to get these things

out of my house.

Okay, I tried to throw them in a river.

When I got back home there was just more of them.

What the fuck.

Ronny Chieng's Cursed Healing Crystals.

Oh god, they're glowing again.

All right, we're back

and we're joined by our legendary guest

from the Daily Show with Trevor Noah, he's a correspondent.

Looks like he could bench, I don't know, 230, 240?

Roy Wood Jr. is here!

- Thanks man, actually I can bench like 175 last I tried.

- Oh wow, that's weak.

- What's that smell?

- That's a deer carcass.

Hey, Roy, you are crushing.

- Thanks man, thanks, you're crushing it too, man.

- Yeah, I know, it's actually a problem

how hard I'm crushing it.

It's starting to affect the people around me

and the people I love.

Roy, let me ask you something.

You're a stand up comedian, right,

a lot of nights on the road.

How do you stay emotionally connected to your loved ones

while still maintaining focus in your career.

- The trick is to bring a piece of home with you.

- I'm just kidding, man, no one cares about that shit.

Roy, let me ask you something, you ever done DMT?

(gunfire)

- No.

- You ever inject horse platelets?

(guitar riff)

- I don't even know what that is.

- You ever free base the stuff inside of glow sticks?

(tiger roars)

- Who the hell does that, Ronny,

can I just talk about my Comedy Central shit?

Can I talk about the web series?

- Sure, sure, sure, Roy, let me ask you something.

You ever do LSD and have a threesome inside an aquarium?

(sirens wail) - You just got Chieng Banged!

- Can I just answer the travel question you asked?

The original question about travel.

- Yeah, do you mind if I do some kettle bell squats

while you talk?

- [Roy] Do whatever you need to do man,

I just wanna have a normal conversation.

- Thanks.

- So when I'm traveling Facetime is the way for me to go.

If I can Facetime with my child before bed time.

- Woo!

- 'Cause usually my first show at eight o'clock

is around the same time as my sons bed time.

- [Ronny] Four, five!

- So before I go on stage-- - Six!

- I make sure to Facetime with my child--

- You got this, Chieng!

Come on!

Come on, man!

- And so normally-- - pain is just weakness

leaving the body!

- When I'm offered a gig I have to look at

how many days is this gig gonna keep me away from my family.

And that's not what I used to do when I was a younger comic,

I would take any gig-- - Sure, sure, sure.

Hey, yo, I just did like 100 squat things by the way.

Not sure if you noticed me just ripping metal there,

it's a real lifestyle choice.

I gotta ask you, are you doing no pee November?

- No, what the hell is that?

- What the hell is that, what do you think it is, man?

It's where you don't pee for the entire month of November.

- Like, November was last year,

you haven't peed since November?

- November is a state of mind.

- So this is like no nut November

where you like don't masturbate or whatever.

- I guess it's like that because it involves the penis

but instead of sperm it's piss.

Okay, anyway, I watched your stand up special,

very funny stuff. - Thank you, man.

- I especially love the part

where you talk about the nutritional benefits of eating elk.

- I don't think I did that,

that was probably somebody else's special you were watching,

I did not talk about elk.

- You sure about that? - I'm very positive.

- Okay, maybe I'm confused

'cause I watched the whole thing on 10x speed.

I finished it in like six minutes.

But anyways, since we're talkin' about elk,

you ever do an elk binge?

It's where you kill an elk

and you have to eat the whole thing in 72 hours,

including the bones, it's how the cavemen lived.

- Yeah, and cavemen also had a life expectancy of 17 years.

They died early, they didn't have Teslas and podcasts

and modern medicine, they didn't even speak English.

- That's a really good point.

- Why would you wanna live like a caveman?

- Elk meet is really lean and dense in nutrients.

- It's like I'm saying words

and you're not hearing those words.

- Ha ha, totally!

- [Roy] Different words come out of your mouth.

- That is so 90s, man.

- Okay, can I ask you a question?

- Of course, please. - Seriously,

what is all of this, why are you talking about

drinking glow sticks and eating eagle jerky and elk meat?

What happened to you?

- Wow, no one's ever asked me that before.

Actually, I don't even know if I can talk about this.

- Oh, it's fine man, we're friends, you share.

- Okay, well ever since I was a teenager

I knew I was different.

I was rebellious, fell into the wrong crowd,

got into fast cars, extreme sports, chesty women.

- Okay, but that's par for the course,

that's what young boys are into, women and.

- Right, but one day my life changed.

You see, the government needed my extreme sports expertise

to help infiltrate a Russian terrorist cell

in central Europe.

- Okay, hold up.

- Please, let me finish.

You see, the terrorist group known as Anarchy 99

had acquired a biochemical weapon

and the only way to disarm the missile

was to use my extreme sports capabilities

and racing cars through the streets of Prague.

- Okay, so Anarchy 99. - Yeah.

- And you're sure that's the name of the terrorist group?

- Yeah.

- No, Ronny, that's the plot to XXX.

The movie, Vin Diesel, he did all that shit,

you didn't do none of that.

- Yeah, yeah, they based that movie on me.

- You're full of shit.

- No man, I'm full of pee.

No pee November, remember?

- All right, this is gettin' weird, I'm gonna go, bro.

- Well the door's are locked from the outside

so good luck leaving.

This is Ronny Chieng with another episode of #Crushing,

a success podcast for winners.

- Can I at least plug my website real quick?

- Hope you found new ways

to hack your way through this jungle we call life.

Thanks to my guest, Ray Wood Sr.

- Did that deer just move?

- Uh, yeah, probably.

I gotta go do crossfit with the co-founder of WeWork,

we're best friends.

Until next time, keep crushing that shit.

(sniffs)

Woo!

(explosion booms)

You want some deer?

(rock music)