ROCKY WEEKEND BUT SO DID TRUMP'S CHIEF OF STAFF MICK

MULVANEY, SEEN HERE JUST WAITING FOR THIS HEADLINE, "TRUMP FIRED

HIS CHIEF OF STAFF MICK MULVANEY."

THIS IS A LITLE SURPRISING BECAUSE BOTH MULVANEY AND TRUMP

JUST ATTENDED THE CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL ACTION CONFERENCE, OR

C-PAC, WHERE NOTHING SEEMED AMISS.

HOWEVER, THIS WEEKEND IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT A PERSON WHO

ATTENDED C-PAC HAS A CONFIRMED CASE OF CORONAVIRUS.

OKAY, THAT'S SERIOUS.

I WONDER IF GERMAPHOBE TRUMP BOOTED MULVANEY AFTER SEEING

MULVANEY'S TALK AT C-PAC.

HERE ARE THE HIGHLIGHTS.

( COUGHING ) >> SOMETHING HAPPENS.

I USED TO RUN INTO THIS STUFF.

IT'S NOTING, LOOK AT IT.

WOULD YOU AGREE WITH ME?

IN TERMS OF A STYLE.

, THE LAST 20 -- YOU KNOW WHAT -- THANK YOU.

MIGHT BE ABLE TO TELL, I'VE GOT A LITTLE BIT OF A COLD.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NOW, WE DON'T KNOW

THE IDENTITY OF THE C-PAC ATTENDEE WHO WAS INFECTED, BUT

ONE THING WE KNOW FOR SURE, "THE UNNAMED INDIVIDUAL" HAD NO

INTERACTION WITH TRUMP.

SO BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THIS WOMAN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: OH!

>> Stephen: PLAY IT SAFE.

TRUMP DID REPORTEDLY SHAKE HANDS WITH C-PAC CHAIRMAN MATT SCHLAPP

WHO HAD INTERACTED WITH THE INFECTED PERSON, WHICH MAKES THE

PRESIDENT JUST TWO DEGREES OF SEPARATION AWAY FROM THE VIRUS.

OH, NO!

CORONAVIRUS IS BASED ON DEGREES OF SEPARATION?

SOMEONE CHECK ON KEVIN BACON!

HE'S A POTENT DISEASE VECTOR!

HE WAS PATIENT ZERO FOR DANCE FEVER.

( LAUGHTER ) ONE PERSON WHO DID HAVE

SUSTAINED CONTACT WITH THE INDIVIDUAL IS TEXAS SENATOR AND

CHONKY WOLVERINE, TED CRUZ.

( LAUGHTER ) CRUZ HAS NO SYMPTOMS, BUT JUST

TO BE SAFE, HE HAS SAID THAT HE WILL BE SELF ISOLATING.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES.

ADDING, "IN FACT, JUST TO BE SAFE, I'VE BEEN SELF ISOLATING

FOR YEARS.

THAT'S WHY I EAT ALONE IN THE SENATE CAFETERIA, I HAD NO

FRIENDS IN COLLEGE, AND NO ONE CAME TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY WHEN I

WAS SIX.

( LAUGHTER ) HE'S JUST DOING HIS PART.

( LAUGHTER ) MANY C-PAC ATTENDEES HAD BEEN

SKEPTICAL ABOUT THE SERIOUSNESS OF THE VIRUS, LIKE ARIZONA

CONGRESSMAN AND DAD TRYING OUT BANGS, PAUL GOSAR.

FOUR DAYS AGO, GOSAR COMPLAINED ABOUT THE COST OF THE

CORONAVIRUS RESPONSE, TWEETING "SO THE HOUSE JUST PASSED

ADDITIONAL $7.7 BILLION FOR 80 CASES OF U.S. CORONA VIRUS UNDER

REVIEW.

THAT'S $9,625,000 PER PATIENT."

WELL-- AND THIS MAY SHOCK YOU-- GOSAR IS A DUMB ASS, BECAUSE

TODAY HE TWEETED, "I AM ANNOUNCING THAT I, ALONG WITH

THREE OF MY SENIOR STAFF, ARE OFFICIALLY UNDER SELF QUARANTINE

AFTER SUSTAINED CONTACT AT C-PAC WITH A PERSON WHO HAS SINCE BEEN

HOSPITALIZED WITH THE WUHAN VIRUS.

MY OFFICE WILL BE CLOSED FOR THE WEEK."

THAT'S LIKE GETTING A TEXT FROM YOUR FRIEND THAT SAYS, "I DON'T

BELIEVE IN GHOSTS," THEN THE NEXT DAY, "TRAPPED IN A HAUNTED

MANSION OH MY GOD THERE'S NO WAY THIS NOISE IS JUST THE WIND.

EVERY DOOR I OPEN IS ANOTHER STAIRCASE.

MY OFFICE WILL BE CLOSED FOR THE WEEK."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

SO REPRESENTATIVE GOSAR IS UNDER SELF QUARANTINE.

AND I'M NOT SURE HE'S DOING TOO WELL, BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON HE

TWEETED, "BEEN THINKING ABOUT LIFE AND MORTALITY TODAY.

I'D RATHER DIE GLORIOUSLY IN BATTLE THAN FROM A VIRUS.

IN A WAY, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

BUT IT KINDA DOES."

( LAUGHTER ) WOW.

WOW.

THAT'S DEEP.

( LAUGHTER ) WHAT A DEEP THINKER.

"I COULD BE THINKING ABOUT HOW TO USE MY OFFICE TO HELP THE

PUBLIC, BUT INSTEAD I'M SKETCHING IN MY DREAM JOURNAL,

'CAUSE IN A WAY FIXING THINGS ISN'T MY JOB, BUT IT KINDA IS."

( LAUGHTER ) LOOKS LIKE THE PRESIDENT IS NOW

ONE DEGREE OF SEPARATION FROM THE VIRUS BECAUSE TODAY

TRUMP CONGRESSIONAL BUDDY DOUG COLLINS TWEETED THAT HE TOO

SHOOK HANDS WITH THE ANONYMOUS C-PAC CORONAVIRUS DONOR, AND IS

CURRENTLY IN SELF QUARANTINE.

THANKFULLY, SINCE C-PAC ENDED COLLINS HAS LAID LOW AND ONLY

SHAKEN THE HAND OF ONE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LOOK AT THAT!

JIM, CAN YOU PLAY THAT CLIP AGAIN AND THIS TIME PLAY IT ALL

THE WAY TO THE END?

THERE HE IS.

AND -- OH!

IT'S A LONGE!

( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO WASH YOUR

HANDS FOR 20 SECONDS, NOT SHAKE HANDS FOR 20 SECOND.

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME ♪ ♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME ♪

♪ I'VE GOT THE CORONAVIRUS ♪ ♪

♪ KEEP THAT CRUISE SHIP AT SEA ♪ ( LAUGHTER )

UNFORTUNATELY, IT WASN'T JUST COLLINS.

BECAUSE WE ALSO GOT A SELF-QUARANTINE STATEMENT FROM

FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN AND MAN WHOSE HAT SIZE IS "CINDERBLOCK,"

MATT GAETZ.

( LAUGHTER ) WELL, AT LEAST GAETZ DIDN'T

SHAKE TRUMP'S HAND.

INSTEAD, HE WAS SEEN BOARDING AIR FORCE ONE WITH TRUMP TODAY.

HIS TIMING COULD NOT HAVE BEEN WORSE.

GAETZ ONLY LEARNED THAT HE'D BEEN EXPOSED TO THE VIRUS AFTER

AIR FORCE ONE LIFTED OFF FROM ORLANDO.

HE THEN ESSENTIALLY QUARANTINED HIMSELF, SITTING IN A SECTION OF

THE PLANE ALONE.

OH, THAT DEFINITELY WORKS!

I'M GOING TO SIT IN THE PRESSURIZE CABIN WHERE THEY

REPSYCH THE AIR.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?

IF SOMEONE ON FIRST CLASS EATS AN ONION, YOU CRY IN COACH.

( LAUGHTER ) WELL, THIS IS A NATIONAL CRISIS

AND TRUMP SAID IT AT THE C.D.C., FOR THE SAFETY OF ALL AMERICANS,

WE SHOULD NOT LET DONALD TRUMP LAND!

(AS TRUMP) "THINK OF THE NUMBERS.

MY BEAUTIFUL NUMBERS."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )

"MY -- BEAUTIFUL --" WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN KRASINSKI!