THE CORONAVIRUS.

I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN OUR BRAND NEW, HOPEFULLY

SOON-TO-BE-CURED SEGMENT: "GOIN' VIRAL."

TODAY, TRUMP MET WITH AIRLINE EXECUTIVES AND TOLD THEM HE'S

BEEN FOLLOWING THE CORONAVIRUS SAFETY GUIDELINES, AND HE

ADMITS IT'S BEEN HARD.

>> I HAVEN'T TOUCHED MY FACE IN WEEKS!

.IN WEEKS!

WHOOSHHs.

I MISS IT.

>> Stephen: YOU HAVEN'T TOUCHED YOUR FACE IN YEARS.

YOUR FACE HAS BEEN QUARANTINED BEHIND A THICK LAYER OF BRONZER.

NOW WITH MORE CASES-- IT'S ANTIBACTERIAL.

IT'S ANTIBACTERIAL IS WHAT IT IS.

NOW, WITH MORE CASES TURNING UP IN NEW YORK, THE CITY IS UPPING

THEIR PREVENTION GAME BY VOWING TO REGULARLY DISINFECT THE

SUBWAY EVERY 72 HOURS.

SO REST ASSURED: THAT PUDDLE OF URINE YOU SAT IN IS NO MORE THAN

THREE DAYS OLD.

( LAUGHTER ) AT MOST.

THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION IS HELPING OUT BY DEBUNKING

CORONAVIRUS MYTHS.

ON THEIR WEBSITE, THEY SAY, "SPRAYING ALCOHOL ALL OVER YOUR

BODY WILL NOT KILL VIRUSES THAT HAVE ALREADY ENTERED YOUR BODY."

OKAY, THAT'S IMPORTANT.

SPRAYING ALCOHOL ON THE OUTSIDE OF YOUR BODY DOESN'T AFFECT THE

VIRUSES INSIDE SO...

LET'S GET THIS WHERE IT'S NEEDED.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE TINGLE MEANS IT'S WORKING.

( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER THING-- DON'T GO FAR

WITH THAT.

ANOTHER THING THAT WON'T HELP MUCH IS EVIDENTLY A FACE MASK.

THE SURGEON GENERAL HIMSELF ANGER-TWEETED ABOUT IT.

"SERIOUSLY PEOPLE- STOP BUYING MASKS!

THEY ARE NOT EFFECTIVE IN PREVENTING GENERAL PUBLIC FROM

CATCHING CORONAVIRUS, BUT IF HEALTHCARE PROVIDERS CAN'T GET

THEM TO CARE FOR SICK PATIENTS, IT PUTS THEM AND OUR COMMUNITIES

AT RISK!" IT'S A GOOD MESSAGE.

I UNDERSTAND THAT.

BUT THAT TONE IS BOTH MORE CASUAL AND MORE ANGRY THAN YOU

WANT FROM THE SURGEON GENERAL OF THE UNITED STATES.

IT GOT EVEN WEIRDER WHEN HE RAGE-POSTED THIS ANGRY LADY

CAT MEME.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).

>> Jon: WOW!

WHAT A MEME!

WOW.

>> Stephen: ASIDE FROM OUR NATION'S MASK MANUFACTURERS,

THERE'S ANOTHER INDUSTRY THAT'S PROFITING OFF THE CONTAGION, AND

THAT'S PORN-- SPECIFICALLY, A WEBSITE WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO

NAME BUT THAT SERVES AS A HUB FOR VARIOUS KINDS OF PORN.

BECAUSE THE LATEST TREND IN ONLINE HORNINESS IS "CORONAVIRUS

PORN."

OF COURSE.

EVERY TIME WE GET AN EPIDEMIC, SOMEONE'S GOTTA MAKE A

PORNOGRAPHY OUT OF IT.

THAT'S WHAT GAVE US THE 1862 CLASSIC: "HUMPIN' 4 MUMPS."

ANOTHER, ANOTHER-- THAT WAS A NICKELODEON.

YOU HAD TO PUT YOUR FACE IN LIKE THIS.

ANOTHER UNFORESEEN VICTIM OF THE CORONAVIRUS IS THE WONDERFUL

WORLD OF SPORTS.

THEY'VE ALREADY HAD TO CANCEL THE WORLD INDOOR ATHLETICS

CHAMPIONSHIPS AND THE CHINESE GRAND PRIX, AND THE TOKYO

MARATHON USUALLY ATTRACTS 35,000 PARTICIPANTS.

HOWEVER, THIS YEAR, THERE WERE JUST 300 ELITE RUNNERS ALLOWED,

WHICH IS THE ONLY REASON I'M STANDING HERE RIGHT NOW INSTEAD

OF RUNNING THE TOKYO MARATHON, WHICH I TOTALLY WOULD HAVE DONE.

( LAUGHTER ) THE AMERICAN PASTIME, BAINL, IS

AFFECTED, TOO.

IN JAPAN, PRESEASON GAMES ARE BEING PLAYED IN EMPTY STADIUMS.

BUT BACK HERE IN THE STATES MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL IS GETTING

PREPARED BY UPDATING LYRICS FOR THE SEVENTH INNING STRETCH.

♪ JUST STAY HOME FROM THE BALL GAME

KEEP AWAY FROM THE CROWD ♪ BUY ME SOME PURELL

AND FACIAL MASKS ♪ IF YOU CONTRACT IT

YOU'LL BLEED OUT YOUR ASS ♪ ♪ OH, WAIT MAYBE THAT ONE'S

EBOLA ♪ OR I COULD BE THINKING OF SARS

THERE ARE ONE TOO MANY DISEASES SO PLEASE STAY FAR ♪

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHRIS

HAYES!

PLAY BALL!