STIR YOU UP A VAT OF THE FINEST FERMENTED NEWS HOPS AND BARLEY,

TO HANDCRAFT THE HIGH END TOPICAL MICROBREW THAT IS MY

MONOLOGUE.

BUT NOW AND THEN, I LIKE TO GATHER UP ALL THE LEFTOVER

PLASTIC SOLO CUPS HALF-FILLED WITH DISCOUNT HOOCH, MALT LIQUOR

AND BACKWASH, DUMP 'EM IN A BLENDER AND WHIP UP THE

MULTI-COLORED, BARELY DRINKABLE, MIND-ALTERING SLURRY OF NEWS I

CALL-- ♪

>> MEANWHILE ♪

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: "MEANWHILE!" IS

THE ENGINE OF THIS ECONOMY.

"MEANWHILE!" SAN ALTERNATIVE FUEL SOURCE, IS WHAT IT IS.

"MEANWHILE!" -- A MAN BROUGHT A LLAMA TO HIS

SISTER'S WEDDING, DELIGHTING JUST ABOUT

EVERYONE BUT THE BRIDE.

( LAUGHTER ) I'M GOING TO GUESS THE LLAMA

WASN'T SUPER PSYCHED ABOUT IT EITHER.

"BE HONEST, MAN, DO YOU REALLY LIKE ME, OR AM I JUST HERE AS A

JOKE?

I'M MEETING YOUR FAMILY.

THIS IS A BIG STEP."

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "A FLORIDA POLICE

DEPARTMENT IS OFFERING TO TEST YOUR RECREATIONAL DRUGS FOR

CORONAVIRUS."

POSTING ON THEIR FACEBOOK PAGE "BRING IT BY OUR STATION AND WE

WILL TEST YOUR BATCH WITHIN MINUTES!"

( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A GREAT SYSTEM.

THEY PUT SPECIAL VIRUS-DETECTING BRACELETS ON YOU, BEHIND YOUR

BACK, TO KEEP YOU FROM TOUCHING YOUR FACE.

THEN YOU'LL BE BROUGHT BEFORE THE HEAD SCIENTIST, WHO MAY

DETERMINE YOU NEED TO BE QUARANTINED FOR 10-25 YEARS IN A

SCIENCE CAGE.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

SCIENCE!

SCIENCE!

AND THIS IS TRUE -- THE COPS EVEN TAGGED THE POST

WITH THE FRIENDLY "HASHTAG BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY,"

"HASHTAG HELP US HELP YOU," "HASHTAG VIRUS-FREE METH."

( LAUGHTER ) THEY JUST FORGOT "HASHTAG PLEASE

BE THIS STUPID."

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, THERE WAS A WOEFULLY

UNDERREPORTED SUPER TUESDAY ELECTION: THE MAYORAL RACE IN

FAIR HAVEN, VERMONT, WHERE THE WINNER WAS MURFEE, A

THREE-YEAR-OLD CAVALIER KING CHARLES

SPANIEL, AND HERE'S MURFEE, ANNOUNCING HIS BOLD PLATFORM OF

"LET'S STAND ON THE PORCH AND WONDER WHAT BIRDS ARE."

( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS A CLOSE RACE, BUT MURFEE

EDGED OUT THE INCUMBENT, A THREE-YEAR-OLD NUBIAN GOAT NAMED

LINCOLN.

EASILY THE SECOND ROUGHEST END TO A POLITICAL CAREER FOR A

LINCOLN.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: GOODNESS.

BEAUTIFUL.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

WELL THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN BEFORE WE EDIT THIS SCRIPT.

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN WORD NEWS, NEARLY

32,000 PEOPLE HAVE SIGNED A PETITION ASKING THE OXFORD

DICTIONARY TO UPDATE ITS DEFINITION OF "WOMAN," WHICH

CURRENTLY INCLUDES SUCH SYNONYMS AS BITCH

PIECE, BIT, MARE, BAGGAGE, WENCH, PETTICOAT, FRAIL, BIRD,

BINT, BIDDY, AND FILLY.

THAT'S HORRIBLE!

ALSO, WHAT IS A BINT?

IT SOUNDS LIKE AN OLD SCOTTISH WORD FOR THE TOOL USED TO CLUB

SQUIRRELS.

(SCOTTISH ACCENT) "ANGUS!

I DON'T LIKE THE WAY THAT ONE'S LOOKING AT ME.

GO GET THE BINT.

THE WENCH HAS IT.

OOH, THAT FILLY'S A FINE BIT 'O BAGGAGE.

THIS IS FUN, LET'S NEVER CHANGE HOW WE TALK, YOU BITCH!"

>> Jon: OH, MY!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )

THE SYNONYMS AREN'T THE ONLY PROBLEM.

ONE OF THE EXAMPLE SENTENCES IN THE DICTIONARY SHOWING HOW TO

USE THE WORD "WOMAN" IS "GOD, WOMAN.

WILL YOU JUST LISTEN?" ( LAUGHTER )

( AUDIENCE REACTS ) FIRST OF ALL, THAT'S TWO

SENTENCES.

SECOND, WAS THE GUY WHO WROTE THE DICTIONARY IN THE MIDDLE OF

A FIGHT WHEN WRITING THIS?

IT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY THE EXAMPLE SENTENCE FOR THE WORD "HAPPY"

IS, "GOD PATRICIA!

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE SAVING THOSE BANANAS TO MAKE BANANA

BREAD!

I THREW THEM AWAY BECAUSE THEY WERE TURNING BLACK!

I'M NOT A MIND-READER!

JUST TALK TO ME!

WHAT HAPPENED TO US?!

WE USED TO BE SO HAPPY!" ( LAUGHTER )

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KEITH URBAN.