I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

TODAY IS JUST DAY ONE OF THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL OF

DONALD JOHN TRUMP.

IT'S HISTORIC.

IT'S A PIVOTAL DAY IN THE HISTORY OF THE REPUBLIC: SOON,

WE WILL FIND OUT IF BREAKING THE LAW IS ILLEGAL.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Jon: WE WILL FIND OUT.

>> Stephen: GOTTA SAY, GOTTA SAY, SO FAR, I DON'T LIKE THE

ODDS.

( LAUGHTER ) AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT

IN TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> WHOA!

WHOA!

NO!

NO!

NO!

NO!

I'M SOAKING WET.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: TECHNICALLY, THE

TRIAL BEGINS TOMORROW.

TODAY WAS DEBATE ABOUT THE RULES PROPOSED BY SENATE MAJORITY

LEADER AND SCROTUM OF THE OPERA, MITCH McCONNELL.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

HIS-- HIS RULES SAY-- McCONNELL'S RULES SAY THAT THE

THEY WANT TO CONSIDER NEW EVIDENCE AT ALL.

AND McCONNELL DOES NOT GUARANTEE THE TRIAL WILL INCLUDE

WITNESSES.

SO, NO EVIDENCE, NO WITNESSES...

JUST 100 OLD PEOPLE STUCK IN A ROOM TOGETHER.

THIS ISN'T A TRIAL.

IT'S THE 4:00 DINNER RUSH AT DENNY'S, OR A MATINEE IN

BRANSON, MISSOURI.

IF, BY SOME WILD CHANCE, THERE WHERE MONKEYS EAT MEAT, IT TURNS

OUT THERE ARE WITNESSES.

McCONNELL HAS BUILT IN A FAIL-SAFE, BECAUSE IF THE

MAJORITY DECIDE TO CALL WITNESSES, THAT WITNESS WOULD

FIRST BE INTERVIEWED BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, MEANING THEY MIGHT

NEVER TESTIFY IN PUBLIC.

( AS MCCONNELL ) "THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DESERVE A

"THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DESERVE A FAIR AND TRANSPARENT PROCESS.

NOW PLACE THE TESTIMONY HOOD OVER THE WITNESS'S HEAD, DRAG

HIM INTO THE FACT DUNGEON, AND BEAT HIM WITH THE TRUTH HOSE."

( LAUGHTER ) BUT HERE'S THE THING: ACCORDING

TO A NEW CNN POLL, 69% SAY THAT THE UPCOMING TRIAL SHOULD

FEATURE TESTIMONY FROM NEW WITNESSES.

THAT'S A TWO-THIRDS MAJORITY.

BUT THEN AGAIN, IF WE DID WHAT THE MAJORITY OF AMERICANS

WANT, HILLARY WOULD BE PRESIDENT, AND WE'D HAVE

MALLOMARS ALL YEAR ROUND ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

REFRIGERATE THE TRUCKS!

WE HAVE THE TECHNOLOGY!

IF WE CAN HAVE MOON PIES, WE CAN HAVE MALLOMARS.

NOW, THE SAME POLL FOUND THAT 51% OF AMERICANS SAY THE SENATE

SHOULD REMOVE TRUMP FROM OFFICE.

( AS TRUMP ) "OH, NO, MY OLD NEMESIS,

MAJORITIES!

EVEN WORSE THAN MY OTHER NEMESIS: MINORITIES."

( LAUGHTER ) NOW, ONCE ARGUMENTS GOT

UNDERWAY, HOUSE IMPEACHMENT MANAGER ADAM SCHIFF LAID OUT

EXACTLY WHY MCCONNELL'S RULES FOR THE TRIAL ARE NOTHING LIKE

THE CLINTON IMPEACHMENT.

>> ALL OF THE DOCUMENTS IN THE CLINTON TRIAL WERE TURNED OVER

PRIOR TO THE TRIAL, ALL 90,000 PAGES OF THEM, SO THEY COULD BE

USED IN THE HOUSE'S CASE.

NONE OF THE DOCUMENTS HAVE BEEN TURNED OVER BY THE PRESIDENT IN

THIS CASE.

AND UNDER LEADER McCONNELL'S PROPOSAL, NONE MAY EVER BE.

IF THE HOUSE CANNOT CALL WITNESSES OR INTRODUCE

DOCUMENTED EVIDENCE, IT IS NOT A FAIR TRIAL.

IT IS NOT REALLY A TRIAL AT ALL.

>> Stephen: NOW, WHO KNOWS IF HIS ARGUMENT IS GOING TO MAKE

ANY DIFFERENCE IN THE LONG RUN, BUT IT JUST FEELS GOOD FOR

SOMEONE TO STAND UP AND NAME THE LIE WE CAN ALL PLAINLY SEE.

IT'S LIKE THE LITTLE BOY YELLING, "THE EMPEROR HAS NO

CLOTHES!

OH, GOD "N" MAKE HIM PUT CLOTHES BACK ON!

MY EYES!

WIPE AWAY MY EYES!" NOW, SCHIFF POINTED OUT THAT,

SETTING POLITICS ASIDE, WE ALL KNOW WHAT REAL JUSTICE LOOKS

LIKE.

>> ASK YOURSELVES HOW WOULD YOU STRUCTURE THE TRIAL IF YOU

DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOUR PARTY WAS AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE

PARTY OF THE PRESIDENT WAS?

>> Stephen: AND WHILE WE'RE ON HYPOTHETICALS, ASK YOURSELF IF

YOU'D RATHER SEE TRUMP DRAGGED OUT OF OFFICE BY ONE HORSE-SIZED

DUCK OR 100 DUCK-SIZED HORSES.

( LAUGHTER ) SCHIFF DISPUTED THE REPUBLICAN

LINE THAT THEY'RE JUST FOLLOWING THE PROCESS LAID OUT DURING THE

CLINTON IMPEACHMENT AND REMINDED THE SENATE WHY THEY HAD

TO BE SO CAREFUL ABOUT TALKING ABOUT THAT CASE.

>> THE TESTIMONY IN THE CLINTON TRIAL INVOLVED DECORUM ISSUES

THAT ARE NOT PRESENT HERE.

YOU MAY REST ASSURED, WHATEVER ELSE THE CASE MAY BE, SUCH

ISSUES WILL NOT BE PRESENT HERE.

>> Stephen: YES, THERE WERE A LOT OF ISSUES IN THE CLINTON

TRIAL WITH DECORUM.

BILL CLINTON COULD NOT KEEP STICKING HIS DECORUM WHERE IT

DIDN'T BELONG.

TOUGH WORD.

GOT TO BE CAREFUL.

IT'S HARD TO SAY.

THAT WAS HARD TO SAY AND NOT GET IT BLEEPED ON CBS.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

VERY DIFFICULT.

THEN TV LAWYER JAY SEKULOW GOT UP TO REBUT ON BEHALF OF THE

PRESIDENT AND REALLY RAISED MORE QUESTIONS THAN HE ANSWERED.

>> WHAT ARE WE DEALING WITH HERE?

WHY ARE WE HERE?

>> Stephen: (AS SEKULOW) WHY ARE WE HERE.

"WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO?

DO YOU LIKE THE THINGS THAT LIFE IS SHOWING YOU?

WHAT'S THE BUZZ?

TELL ME WHAT'S A-HAPPENING?

WHERE ARE THE CLOWNS?

THERE OUGHT TO BE CLOWNS.

IN SUMMATION: WAR-- HUNGH, GOOD, GOD, Y'ALL

WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?

THE DEFENSE RESTS."

( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

NOW, WHITE HOUSE ATTORNEY PAT CIPOLLONE SEEMED TO THINK THAT

COLLECTING EVIDENCE WAS, ITSELF, SOMEHOW UNFAIR?

>> IF I SHOWED UP IN ANY COURT IN THIS COUNTRY, AND I SAID,

"JUDGE, MY CASE IS OVERWHELMING, BUT I'M NOT READY TO GO YET.

I NEED MORE EVIDENCE BEFORE I CAN MAKE MY CASE," I WOULD GET

THROWN OUT IN TWO SECONDS.

>> Stephen: NO, YOU WOULDN'T!

IT'S CALLED "DISCOVERY."

COURTS ALLOW IT ALL THE TIME!

INSTEAD OF OPENING STATEMENTS ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

LOOK, SIP LOAN, INSTEAD OF OPENING STATEMENTS, MAYBE YOU

SHOULD HAVE SPENT YOUR HOUR WATCHING "LAW & ORDER."

CIPPOLLONE COULDN'T JUSTIFY NO EVIDENCE AND NO WITNESSES, SO

HOW DID YOU MAKE A CASE WITH NO ARGUMENT?

VOLUME!

>> WHEN YOU LOOK AT THESE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT, THEY

ARE NOT ONLY RIDICULOUS.

IT'S OUTRAGEOUS.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

IT'S OUTRAGEOUS.

IT'S OUTRAGEOUS.

IT'S LONG PAST TIME THAT WE START THIS SO WE CAN END THIS

RIDICULOUS CHARADE.

>> Stephen: YES, LET'S GET STARTED AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT,

GET PAT CIPOLLONE A THESAURUS.

( AS CIPPOLLONE ) "IT'S RIDICULOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

EGREGIOUS!

INIQUITOUS!

OOOH, OPPROBRIOUS!

IT'S NUTRAGEOUS."

>> MR. CIPOLLO MADE THE REPRESENTATION THAT REPUBLICANS

WERE NOT EVEN ALLOWED AT DEPOSITIONS CONDUCTED IN THE

HOUSE.

NOW, I'M NOT GOING TO SUGGEST TO YOU THAT MR. CIPILLONE WOULD

MAKE A FALSE SAIMENT.

I WILL LEAVE IT TO MR. CIPILONNE TO MAKE THOSE ALLEGATIONS

AGAINST OTHERS.

BUT I WILL TELL YOU THIS, HE IS MISTAKEN.

>> I WON'T SAY HE WILL DELIBERATELY TAKE A DUMP ON YOUR

DESK AND BLAME IT ON A TALL DOG, BUT I WILL TELL YOU THIS-- HIS

BELT IS LOOKING MIGHTY LOOSE OVER THERE.

I DON'T KNOW.

HE OWNS A GREAT DANE.

SCHIFF MADE IT CLEAR WHY TRUMP'S LAWYERS KEEP ARGUING ABOUT

PROCESS.

>> EVERY TIME YOU HEAR THEM ATTACKING HOUSE MANAGERSIMENT

YOU TO ASK YOURSELF, AWAY FROM WHAT ISSUE ARE THEY TRYING TO

DISTRACT ME?

WHAT ISSUE CAME UP BEFORE THIS?

WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO DEFLECT MY ATTENTION FROM?

WHY DON'T THEY HAVE A BETTER ARGUMENT TO MAKE ON THE MERITS?

>> Stephen: TO WHICH JAY SEKULOW REPLIED, "HEY, LOOK OVER HERE!

SHINY, SHINY!

PAY NO ATTENTION!

THERE IT GOES!

GET IT, BOY, GET IT!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, APART FROM McCONNELL'S

NUTRAGEOUS RULES, THERE'S THE SENATE RULES, WHICH ARE PRETTY

STRICT WHEN IT COMES TO HOW THE SENATORS HAVE TO BEHAVE.

FOR INSTANCE, THEY'LL BE FORCED TO SURRENDER THEIR PHONES AND

SIT IN THEIR CHAIRS SILENTLY FOR THE DURATION.

THEY ALSO WON'T EVEN BE ALLOWED TO TALK AT LENGTH TO PEOPLE

NEARBY OR WALK ON CERTAIN AREAS OF THE SENATE FLOOR.

( AS SERGEANT OF ARMS ) "HEAR YE, HEAR YE.

BE IT KNOWN THE FOLLOWING AREAS OF THE SENATE FLOOR AR

( LAUGHTER ) LAVA."

"PARTS OF THE LOBBY ARE SNAKES."

( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THE RULES GET WEIRDER.

ACCORDING TO FLORIDA SENATOR AND LAST THING YOU SEE BEFORE THE

CHLOROFORM KICKS IN, RICK SCOTT.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WHOA!

>> Stephen: OOOH.

>> Jon: SNAKES IN THE GRASS.

>> Stephen: YOUR SKULL WILL MAKE QUITE A TROPHY FOR FATHER.

( LAUGHTER ) NOW-- TOTALLY BELIEVABLE.

SCOTT TOLD A REPORTER THAT SENATORS CAN ONLY DRINK WATER OR

MILK DURING THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.

NOW, MILK MIGHT SEEM WEIRD, BUT IT'S JUST SO THE SENATORS FROM

WISCONSIN CAN BRING IN THEIR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT COWS.

( LAUGHTER ) NOW THE PRESIDENT HIMSELF MISSED

THE IMPEACHMENT KICKOFF BECAUSE HE'S AT THE WORLD ECONOMIC FORUM

IN DAWFOUS.

BECAUSE NOTHING SCREAMS "INNOCENCE" LIKE BEING PUT ON

TRIAL AND IMMEDIATELY FLEEING TO SWITZERLAND.

WE DID HEAR FROM THE MAN WITHOUT WHOM THIS IMPEACHMENT WOULDN'T

BE POSSIBLE.

TRUMP PERSONAL LAWYER AND PENGUIN FATHER ABANDONING HIS

CHICKS TO THE SEALS, RUDY GIULIANI.

LAST NIGHT, HE WENT ON TV TO COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW HE DOESN'T

GET A FAIR SHAKE FROM TV.

>> THEY DON'T INVESTIGATE DEMOCRATS.

THEY ARE AFRAID.

I AM GOING TO DEVOTE A LOT OF TIME THIS YEAR EXPOSING THE

DOUBLE STANDARD ON MY OWN PODCAST.

>> Stephen: YES, STAY TUNED FOR THE PREMIERE OF HIS PODCAST:

"THIS AMERICAN LOW-LIFE."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

I'LL LISTEN.

I'LL LISTEN!

ONE OF THE MOST DISTURBING THINGS ABOUT THIS ENTIRE STORY,

GIULIANI HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF STALKING U.S. AMBASSADOR TO

UKRAINE, MARIE YOVANOVITCH, BUT HE DENIED IT.

>> YOU DIRECTED THE SURVEILLANCE OF A SITTING U.S. AMBASSADOR,

MARIA YOVANOVICH, IN THE UKRAINE.

>> NO, I DID NOT.

I CAN DEFINITELY TELL YOU I DIDN'T.

IN FACT, SHE DIRECTED SURVEILLANCE OF ME!

WHICH NOBODY IS INVESTIGATING.

>> Stephen: (AS GIULIANI) "MARIE YOVANOVITCH SPIED ON ME!

ALSO, SHE'S THE ONE WHO KEEPS LOCKING HERSELF OUT OF HER

APARTMENT, CLIMBING IN THROUGH THE WINDOW, AND SLEEPING IN A

PILE OF DIRTY SUITS.

SHE'S THE ONE WHO GOES INTO THE STEAM ROOM, SHE'S THE ONE--

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SHE'S THE ONE-- YOVANOVITCH IS

THE ONE WHO GOES INTO THE SAUNA AND ACCIDENTALLY SITS DOWN

ON HER OWN TESTICLES AND HAS TO GATHER THEM UP IN A SATCHEL JUST

TO PUT HER PANTS ON!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

PATRICK STEWART IS HERE.

BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE!" WONT YOU JOIN US.