SPRINKLING THE SILK SHEETS WITH ROSE PETALS AND CHILLING A

MAGNUM OF DOM PERIGNON, TO CREATE THE PERFECT ROMANTIC

EVENING OF NEWS THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO RUN TO RITE AID AT THE LAST MINUTE,

PICK THROUGH THE DAMAGED CANDY BOXES OF LEFTOVER STORIES, SLAP

A RIBBON ON A BOTTLE OF COUGH SYRUP, AND SCRATCH OUT SOME OF

THE DETAILS ON A "HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANDPA" CARD, TO CREATE THE

HALF-ASSED VALENTINE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:

>> MEANWHILE!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: THAT'S MY VALENTINE.

THAT'S MY VALENTINE RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S IT.

NOTHING MAKES ME HAPPIER.

MEANWHILE, FRIDAY IS VALENTINE'S DAY.

AND AFTER A BAD YEAR AND THE COMPANY NEARLY GOING BANKRUPT,

THE "SWEETHEARTS CONVERSATION HEARTS ARE BACK."

HOWEVER, HOWEVER, THEY "DID NOT HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO SET UP THE

MANUFACTURING PROCESS" AND "NOT ALL OF THE HEARTS WILL HAVE

SAYINGS PRINTED ON THEM."

ALSO, THEY WON'T BE SHAPED LIKE HEARTS, THEY WON'T BE FUN

COLORS, AND THEY ARE NOW MEATBALLS.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

MEANWHILE, THIS VIDEO WENT VIRAL THIS WEEKEND OF COSMO THE

COUGAR, THE OFFICIAL MASCOT OF THE MORMON BRIGHAM YOUNG

UNIVERSITY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WOW!

LOOK WHAT YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH WHEN YOU'RE NOT WASTING YOUR

TIME HAVING PREMARITAL SEX.

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, "ELON MUSK'S VERDICT

ON FACEBOOK IS IT'S 'LAME' AND YOU SHOULD DELETE IT," BECAUSE

IF THERE'S ANYONE I TRUST TO TELL ME WHAT'S COOL, IT'S

ELON MUSK.

YEAH!

THAT IS SO NOT LAME!

MEANWHILE, MEANWHILE, "KEITH RICHARDS HAS QUIT SMOKING."

WELL, I'M GLAD HE'S TAKING CARE OF HIMSELF BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

MOISTURIZE.

YOU GOT TO MOIZ MOYERIZE.

MEANWHILE, IN ROMANCE NEWS, THE SAN ANTONIO ZOO IS HOLDING A

FUNDRAISER IN WHICH YOU CAN "NAME A COCKROACH AFTER YOUR

EX AND WATCH AN ANIMAL EAT IT ON VALENTINE'S DAY FOR JUST $5."

BY THE WAY, THAT SCENE IS ALSO IN THE DIRECTOR'S CUT OF

"MARRIAGE STORY."

BY THE WAY, NAMING A COCKROACH AFTER YOUR EX AND WATCHING IT

GET DEVOURED IS THE PERFECT WAY TO SAY, "SCREW YOU, STACY!

AND, ALSO, YOU CLEARLY MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE, STACY!"

BUT IF A COCKROACH ISN'T ENOUGH, "YOU CAN PAY $20 MORE TO HAVE

THEM NAME A RAT AND FEED IT TO A REPTILE INSTEAD, AND THE ZOO

PLANS TO STREAM THE FEEDINGS ON FACEBOOK LIVE."

AND I THINK WE HAVE A PICTURE OF ONE OF THE FACEBOOK REPTILES.

YES.

LOOK AT THOSE COLD, DEAD EYES.

( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: OOOH!

>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, "SEX FOR UNMARRIED PEOPLE IN VIRGINIA

MIGHT BE LEGAL SOON," BECAUSE UNTIL NOW, IT WAS ACTUALLY

"ILLEGAL FOR PEOPLE IN VIRGINIA TO HAVE CONSENSUAL SEX OUTSIDE

OF MARRIAGE."

SHOCKING, I KNOW.

BUT IT'S ALWAYS BEEN RIGHT THERE IN THEIR SLOGAN: "VIRGINIA

IS FOR OVER-THE-PANTS STUFF."

( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, AN OHIO MINISTER AND

PODCASTER NAMED DAVE DAUBENMIRE SAYS HE WANTS TO SUE THE N.F.L.

BECAUSE THE SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW MADE HIM HORNY.

( LAUGHTER ) I HOPE HE MEANS THIS YEAR'S HALF

TIME SHOW.

BECAUSE I WOULD HATE TO THINK HE WAS AROSED BY LEFT SHARK.

APPARENTLY, WHAT GOT DAUBENMIRE ALL DAUBENMIRED UP WAS THE PEPSI

HALFTIME SHOW FEATURING SHAKIRA AND JENNIFER LOPEZ.

DAUBENMIRE TOOK TO THE INTERNET TO VENT HIS VERY SPECIFIC

PROBLEMS WITH IT.

>> I SAW A LOT OF CROTCH SHOTS-- DARE I SAY THAT?

CROTCH SHOTS FROM LAST NIGHT'S SUPERBOWL.

I'M LOOKING FOR A LAWYER OUT THERE, OR SOMEBODY WHO WOULD

JOIN ME IN A CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT AGAINST PEPSI, THE

N.F.L., MY LOCAL CABLE COMPANY.

I DON'T KNOW WHO ALL WE WOULD SUE, BUT SUE AS MANY PEOPLE AS

WE WANT TO FOR PANDERING PORNOGRAPHY.

JENNIFER LOPEZ, BY THE WAY, IS 50 YEARS OLD.

50 YEARS OLD, FOLKS.

I'M GONNA SAY THIS AGAIN REALLY, REALLY SLOW.

J-LO IS 50.

YOU GO ON YOUR PORN WEBSITE, YOU'RE NOT LOOKING FOR

50-YEAR-OLD WOMEN.

YOU'RE LOOKING FOR 24-YEAR-OLD WOMEN.

>> Stephen: EXCUSE ME?

PORN ENTHUSIASTS DON'T WANT TO SEE 50-YEAR-OLD WOMEN, SIR?

DOES THE TERM "MILF" MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?

NO!

I'M SORRY, I'M ANGRY!

BUT I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED AS TO HOW DAUBENMIRE THINKS HE'S GOING

TO WIN THIS LAWSUIT, SO I'VE INVITED HIM HERE TO EXPLAIN.

PLEASE WELCOME REVERAND DAVE DAUBENMIRE!

>> HELLO, STEPHEN.

HI, THERE.

HELLO, STEPHEN.

THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME ON YOUR FILTHY, LATE-NIGHT,

SIN-AND-JAZZ-MUSIC REVUE.

>> Stephen: MY PLEASURE, SIR.

MY FIRST QUESTION IS CAN YOU REALLY SUE THE SUPER BOWL FOR

HAVING SEXY DANCERS?

>> OH, IT WASN'T JUST THE DANCERS.

EVERYTHING IN THAT HALFTIME SHOW SHUDDERED WITH PURE EROTICISM:

THE LIGHTS, THE SHAPE OF THE FOOTBALL, THE PEPSI LOGO.

I MEAN, LOOK AT IT!

IT'S A DOLPHIN GOING TO TOWN ON ITSELF UNDER A RED UMBRELLA!

TOTALLY OBVIOUS.

>> Stephen: I DON'T SEE IT.

BUT, SIR, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST CHANGE THE CHANNEL?

>> THAT WOULDN'T WORK, STEPHEN.

THIS FILTH IS EVERYWHERE.

YOU'VE GOT THOSE GOLDEN GIRLS SHAKING THEIR BATHROBED BUTTS

THIS WAY AND THAT.

THEN THE COMMERCIALS START, AND YOU'VE GOT THAT DEPRAVED

KOOL-AID MAN, WITH HIS FULL ROUND CURVES, THAT ROCK-HARD

HANDLE, RED FROTHY JUICE SLOSHING UP AND DOWN THE SIDES

THE JUG.

NO WALL CAN KEEP HIM IN!

>> Stephen: OKAY!

THAT'S ALL WE HAVE TIME FOR.

WELL, I HOPE YOUR HALFTIME LAWSUIT GOES WELL.

>> I'M ALSO SUING "JUGZ" MAGAZINE!

I BOUGHT A COPY, AND IT ONLY HAD HUMAN WOMEN.

WHERE ARE THE HUMANOID JUICE MEN?

>> Stephen: YOU'VE DISTURBED MY AUDIENCE, SIR.

>> I KNOW.

>> Stephen: YOU SEEM VERY SERIOUS ABOUT THIS.

>> I'M COMING FOR YOU, JUICE MAN!

>> Stephen: DAVE DAUBENMIRE, EVERYONE!

>> YOU TOO, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JULIE LOUIS-DREYFUS.