Taliban Deal, Coronavirus Update & The Pope's Thoughts on Trolling | The Daily Show: Global Edition

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- Welcome to "The Daily Show: Global Edition."
I'm Trevor Noah. Before we begin,
some news out of the Vatican City.
The pope has suggested to followers
that they give up Internet trolling for Lent.
(laughter)
And that-- that's such a specific instruction.
It makes me wonder if the pope is getting bullied, you know?
Someone's like, "What else is gonna say?"
"For Lent, we should also give up wedgie-ing the pope
"when you see him in the hallway.
Please, Benedict, stop it!"
All right, now here it is. this week's headlines.
Some good news from Afghanistan,
a phrase no one has ever said.
America's never-ending war with the Taliban
might finally be coming to an end.
- America's longest running war could finally come to an end.
Over the weekend, the United States signed a deal
with the Taliban to end the nearly two-decade conflict
that gripped Afghanistan in the aftermath
of the 9/11 attacks
and the subsequent U.S. invasion of the country.
The agreement lays out a time table
for the full withdrawal of U.S. and coalition troops
from Afghanistan within 14 months.
In exchange, the Taliban agreed
that it would not allow Afghan territory to be used
by any groups or individuals to plot future attacks
against the United States and its allies.
- This is a big deal.
The United States and the Taliban might have a deal.
And this is huge.
Besides Taylor Swift and Katy Perry,
this might be the biggest peace agreement of the century.
It's huge.
And after 20 years and $2 trillion,
you have to admit, that's a lot of lowered expectations, yeah?
No, 'cause America went in to Afghanistan like,
"We're taking out the Taliban
"and bringing in Western democracy
no matter how long it takes!"
And now America's like, "Uh, we're-- we're gonna leave.
Um, just, like, don't do another 9/11, okay?"
(laughter)
Now, the deal hasn't been concluded yet,
because there are still some things
that need to be worked out, which makes sense.
'Cause if you think about it,
these two countries have been entwined
in a 20-year relationship, all right?
We all know it's hard to walk away
when you've spent that much time together.
So, America, let me...
let me give you some relationship tips.
(laughter and cheering)
First of all, America,
let me just say I'm-- I'm proud of you.
You've realized that you're in a toxic relationship
with Afghanistan and... and you're ready to get out.
Now I want to warn you, for a while,
there's-there's gonna be a part of you that wants to go back
and bomb them in the middle of the night,
but you stay strong.
And you remember, no matter what you think now,
there are plenty of other Middle Eastern countries
out there for you.
(cheering and applause)
The Democratic primaries.
If yesterday was Super Tuesday,
today is What the fuck Wednesday.
So let's catch up on the fallout
of the biggest voting night in the primaries
in another installment of "World War D."
(music and cheering)
Going into Super Tuesday,
the Democratic field had been narrowed down
to four main candidates,
which is a long way from the original 6,000.
And as the dust began to settle,
it became clear there were two winners and two losers.
Elizabeth Warren, one of the night's losers.
You see, she failed to pick up a single state.
And to add insult to injury,
in her home state of Massachusetts,
she came in third.
Yeah, which is pretty rough.
It's like if you came home to find your parents
had replaced you with another child.
Just be like, "Sorry, honey,
we'd like Joe Biden to be our daughter now."
But she wasn't the only one with a disappointing evening.
Yeah, another candidate who hit a low point
was Mike Bloomberg, former New York mayor
and best person to sit behind at a concert.
Because after spending the GDP of a small country
on his campaign,
his quest for the nomination ended in failure.
- We come in with this Fox News Alert.
Super Tuesday made for a super shake-up.
Democrat Mike Bloomberg today dropped out of the race
after his dismal showing last night.
- Yesterday was a disaster for Bloomberg.
He spent more than $500 million
and won only a few dozen delegates.
Last night, campaigning in Florida,
Bloomberg tried to sound upbeat.
- No matter how many delegates we win tonight,
we have done something no one else thought was possible.
(imitating Bloomberg) - That's right, we spent
half a billion dollars to absolutely eat shit.
(cheering and applause)
They said it couldn't be done, but we did it.
We did it.
(normal voice) I'm not gonna lie.
I still can't believe Mike Bloomberg
spent $500 million
to not be president.
No, like, I'm also not gonna be the president,
but I spent nothing, I... No, so, in a way,
I feel like I saved $500 million, you know?
(applause)
It really is. That's how I feel.
And the funny thing is-- the funny thing is,
right before he dropped out,
Bloomberg bought more TV airtime
that he doesn't need anymore.
But I was thinking, like, since he's already paid for it,
he should use it, right?
He should just come on TV and share his random thoughts.
(imitating Bloomberg) Hi, I'm Mike Bloomberg.
Have you ever noticed you've never seen birds having sex?
Kind of weird, huh?
Anyway, see you guys in the next ad break.
(cheering and applause)
He should just do that the whole time.
Now, the reason Bloomberg is dropping out now,
after just one bad night, is that-- you must remember--
he entered the race to be the moderate alternative
to Bernie Sanders.
But, last night, the voters were very clear
that they already know who they want
their moderate candidate to be.
- The night belonged to Joe Biden.
- They don't call it Super Tuesday for nothing!
(cheering and applause)
The former vice president with a massive comeback
on the biggest night of the primary so far.
- A fired-up Joe Biden celebrating his historic night,
racking up a string of commanding victories,
including a clean sweep of states in the South,
and a stunning win in delegate-rich Texas.
- The press and the pundits had declared the campaign dead!
Tell that to the folks in Virginia!
(cheering) North Carolina!
(cheering continues) Alabama!
Tennessee!
Oklahoma!
Arkansas!
Minnesota!
- Hey!
That's-- that's a Joe Biden we haven't seen in a while.
Look at him, huh? Smiling, full of energy,
naming states that actually exist.
No, 'cause let's be honest, let's be honest.
We were all waiting for him to give a shout-out
to "Pennsyl-chusetts"!
I'm serious.
I don't think I've seen Biden this happy
since that time Obama taught him how to ride a bike.
This has been a while. I mean...
And, of course, of course,
no Joe Biden speech would be complete
without a few moments where the Wi-Fi dropped out.
- It's a good night!
And it seems to be getting even better!
By the way, this is my little sister, Valerie.
- No. - And I'm Jill's husband.
Oh, no, they-- Oh, you switched on me.
This is my wife. This is my sister.
They switched on me. (laughter)
- No, Joe! Really?
Joe Biden called his sister his wife?
That's an awkward mistake.
And if you are gonna talk about your sister wife,
you should have done it sooner,
because then you could have won Utah.
(cheering and applause) Yeah.
Oh, and, by the way...
(imitating Bloomberg) Hi, I'm Mike Bloomberg.
I was thinking, how does a train turn around?
Anyway, see you guys next ad break.
(normal voice) Now, the sister wife thing
was just a silly gaffe that didn't derail the night.
What did cause a bit of concern
was when two protestors stormed the stage.
- During Biden's speech, protestors rushing the stage.
You see it there, coming within feet
of the former vice president
and Dr. Jill Biden, his wife.
One woman was swiftly removed
by the former vice president's body man.
Then, moments later, see it again.
A second protestor storming onto the stage.
- Symone Sanders, his senior advisor,
she just comes out of nowhere, - Look, she takes her out.
- Flies onstage and rips one of the protestors off.
- Dr. Jill Biden protecting her husband
by shoving off a protestor that was storming the stage.
Her response? "I'm a Philly girl."
- Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! That... Jill Biden.
See that? Stepped in and blocked that protester
like a white lady Jackie Chan-- Bam!
I mean, I knew she was a doctor.
I just didn't know her PhD was in ass-whipping.
That was amazing.
And it wasn't just Biden's wife.
Yeah, his senior campaign advisor, Symone Sanders--
did you see that?
She handled that protester like a professional bodyguard.
Hell, Biden's got more women protecting him than T'Challa.
Like, he's just killing it out here.
No wonder he's winning the black vote.
So overall, overall, it was a good night for Biden.
But don't forget-- this contest is far from over.
Because this race is all about winning delegates, right?
Not just states, but delegates.
And even with his good night last night,
Biden is still basically neck and neck with Bernie
in the delegate count, all right?
And up until this point, these two have been
super friendly on the campaign trail.
Laughing, hugging at the debates.
But something tells me those days might be over.
- This morning, it's now a two-man race.
Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders
already sharpening his attacks against Biden.
- One of us in this race led the opposition
to the war in Iraq.
You're looking at him.
(applause and cheering)
Another candidate voted for the war in Iraq.
(booing and clamoring)
One of us has spent his entire life
fighting against cuts in Social Security,
and wanting to expand Social Security.
(applause and cheering)
Another candidate has been on the floor of the Senate
calling for cuts to Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid,
and veterans programs. (booing, clamoring)
(imitating Sanders) - That's right. One of us is a bitch-ass!
The other person is me!
(laughter and cheering)
You know who I'm talking about.
Spread the word.
(normal voice) Yeah, people, you can see.
The gloves are officially off.
The dentures are in. (laughter)
And things-- things are about to get messy between these two.
Not just because there's Vicks VapoRub everywhere.
No, because this is the homestretch
to find out who will be the Democratic nominee.
And, Bernie, if you're gonna attack Joe Biden,
I wish you the best of luck.
But remember not to get too close,
because then, you'll have to deal with Jill.
We'll be right back.
- Welcome back to "The Daily Show."
Let's talk about the coronavirus.
According to WebMD, you already have it.
Now, every day, we learn more
about how this virus is affecting the world.
So let's check in on the latest coronavirus news
in our ongoing segment, "Is This How We Die?"
(music and cheering)
Last week, we learned that coronavirus
has been making its way through Europe
like a trust fund kid on a gap year.
And after throwing Italy into chaos,
the next stop on the trip is Paris.
- Big changes in France today.
The number of cases there has nearly doubled to 100.
The government there
really taking some pretty extreme measures.
- The French government banned indoor public gatherings
of more than 5,000 people.
That led to the Louvre Museum shutting down.
- The health minister advising people
not to kiss or shake hands when meeting
as President Macron did days ago with Italy's leader.
- Oh, come on, Macron! You serious?
Italy's got corona,
and you're kissing their prime minister?
And it's not just one kiss. It's three.
That's three chances to get sick.
Yeah. You're just like, "Healthy. Mwah!
Healthy. Mwah! Dead. Mwah!"
(laughter)
And that's right.
The situation is getting so serious
that French people have been told
not to kiss each other hello, which must be hard.
That's like such an ingrained part of their culture.
You know, it's like telling New Yorkers
not to jack off on the subway.
That's how we say hello.
(laughter)
But these protocols make sense.
Right? Greeting people with physical contact
is not a good idea right now.
And black people are the only people
who are really prepared for this, you know?
Everyone else is, like, shaking hands with you,
but black people, like, we have many different ways
to greet each other, you know?
We've got the distant head nod, you know?
It's, like, that whole thing.
Yeah, you know, you just...
"You look sick. Stay over there."
You know?
And even when black people shake hands,
it's so complicated that by the end of it,
the virus is like, "Yo, you lost me on the second...
"I-I didn't... I didn't get that part.
"That... yeah, you-- you got me.
I don't-- I don't know what-- I'm out, I'm out."
(laughter)
Now, while France is only beginning to grapple
with how to contain the outbreak,
Korea is showing the world how it's done.
- Outside of China, South Korea has the most coronavirus cases.
They've come up with a new, innovative way
to test for the virus in the form of a drive-through.
- This is a free service
that the city of Goyang is offering anybody.
I just took the test, actually.
Vehicles come through here, and you get a questionnaire,
you get your hands sanitized,
and then you go through a number of stations here.
- Damn, Korea is advanced.
They've got drive-through testing?
And apparently, using this, they have screened
more than 100,000 people for coronavirus,
which is impressive and probably the first time
people going through a drive-through
are getting healthier.
But also, why isn't America doing this?
Right? This is the land of the drive-through.
Yeah, drive-through fast food, drive-through banks,
drive-through liquor stores.
I mean, when I'm in a rush,
I go to a drive-through therapist.
You know? It's just like, "Stop being sad."
"Thank you. Goodbye!"
(laughter)
And, look, whether it's drive-throughs
or something else, America needs to figure out
how it's going to deal with this pandemic,
because it turns out not only is coronavirus here in the U.S.
Apparently, it's been here for a while.
NEWSMAN: Over the weekend, health officials announced
new infections in Washington state, Oregon,
California, Illinois, New York,
Florida and Rhode Island.
- A state of emergency issued in Washington state,
where 13 patients have been diagnosed with COVID-19.
Researchers in Washington telling ABC News
their analysis of samples of the virus
strongly suggest it's been spreading in the state
for the past six weeks.
Yeah, that's right, people.
There's a chance coronavirus has been in America for weeks
and nobody realized it, yeah.
It's like at the end of a sports movie
where the coach is like, "Guys, what you've been looking for
"has been right here all along.
"See, the virus is in your lungs.
"You shouldn't be playing basketball.
You should be at the hospital."
But this is really scary, and so for more
on this health crisis and America's response,
we turn to our senior medical correspondent
Roy Wood Jr., everybody.
(cheering and applause)
Roy.
I... I gotta say, Roy,
this virus has everyone so stressed out.
I mean, I'm keeping this can of disinfectant around
to spray on everything.
What else can we do to stay safe?
- Stop, stop. Stop with that.
First of all, Trevor, don't panic.
The most important thing to do is wash your hands.
Just wash your hands. And don't rush.
You got to wash them for at least the length
of one verse of a Cardi B song.
♪ Yeah, I wash the back, then wash the front ♪
♪ Girl, I make healthy moves ♪ Yeah.
And another thing. Don't touch your face
'cause you can make yourself sick.
And if you are sick, remember to stay...
(coughing) ...stay at home.
(laughter and applause)
(Roy clearing throat)
Wh-Wh-What?
- Did you just corona-cough in my face?
- No! Didn't cough in your face.
No, I just had some peanuts a minute ago.
They stuck in my throat.
(laughter)
- Okay, I'm... 'Cause I'm-- I'm watching you, Roy.
Don't-- don't make me sick.
- I'm good, man. Come on.
As I was saying, it's important not to panic.
Check on your elderly neighbors, make sure...
(coughing)
(laughter)
(coughing)
(laughter and applause)
(clears throat)
There's no need for concern.
What you need to...
(coughing)
- Ah, corona! Corona! Corona! - No! It's peanuts!
It's peanuts! - Corona! Get out of here!
Roy Wood Jr., everybody. We'll be right back.
- Welcome back to "The Daily Show," everybody.
My guest tonight is a lifelong civil rights advocate
for people with disabilities.
She's also the author of "Being Heumann:
An Unrepentant Memoir of a Disability Rights Activist,"
and she's featured in the upcoming Netflix documentary
"Crip Camp."
- People were not used to seeing
a whole lot of folks in wheelchairs.
And you had to back up. I mean, you had to back up
if you were on the wrong side in front of that young woman.
- The news watch never stops.
This is WINS.
- They were announcing, "Paraplegics stop traffic
in Manhattan." (horns honking)
- There were only 50 of us.
But, basically, with the one street,
we were able to shut the city down.
- Please welcome Judith Heumann!
(cheering and applause)
Welcome to the show.
Thank you so much for being here.
Can I just say, reading-- reading this book,
I expected to be impressed by it,
but I wasn't quite expected
for how much of a badass you would be.
Um, no, because you--
you don't just advocate for human rights
and-- and rights for people with disabilities,
but-- but you fight for them
and you fight for them with a passion.
Welcome to the show.
Before I get into my first question,
I guess what really blew my mind about your story
is that I, specifically, have taken for granted
so many things in life that I feel like were always there--
ramps, you know, for getting into stores,
uh, you know, ramps that help people
get into buses when traveling,
all-all measures that we put in place
to help everybody be part of society.
You lived in a world where that wasn't true,
and you fought to make those changes.
What was that world like before the world we live in today?
- So, I grew up in Brooklyn-- all of you from Brooklyn--
and, um... (cheering and applause)
At that time-- So, I was born in 1947.
I had polio in 1949.
There were no laws.
There were no federal laws that made it illegal
to discriminate against many people.
Obviously, the Civil Rights Act in the U.S.
didn't come about till 1964,
and as I got older, it became a bigger problem,
because the school in our neighborhood was not accessible.
My mother took me to that school, um-- P.S. 198.
At that time, it wasn't accessible.
After the laws came into being, in 1981, it was renovated.
The school became accessible.
But the principal denied me entrance into the school
because I couldn't walk,
and he said I could be a fire hazard.
- You know, as an able-bodied person,
I take so many things for granted.
We take things for granted where...
- I call you "non-disabled," actually.
- You call me "non-disabled"? Oh, I never know
which term it is, to be honest, because in the book--
- I call you "non-disabled" because we also, um...
Because the likelihood of you acquiring a disability,
uh, temporarily or permanently
is statistically very high, so...
- Did you just threaten me? - Yes. Definitely.
(laughter)
- Um... It-- it's been 30 years now
since the American Disabilities Act was passed.
Many would feel like everything has been done
and everyone has access to what they need.
What do you still feel needs to be improved,
specifically in the United States?
- So, I think in the United States and around the world
one of the big issues is that people with disabilities
need to feel proud of who we are.
Um, we need not to be ashamed of who we are.
We as disabled people and as allies--
like I know you are, 'cause you've done some great work
on your program, the mental health piece that you did
was fantastic, um... - Oh, thank you.
(applause and cheering)
- That's really, I think, what the objective is,
that we as disabled people need to band together,
speak out against depression-- oppression,
or discrimination against anyone,
and that needs to be the norm.
And, I want to just also say, you know, I live in D.C.
And, the Metro there, uh, some of the most frequent users
of the elevators are men and women
who have babies in baby carriages.
- Mm-hmm. - So, I think we really need
to also look at the kinds of accommodations
that theoretically have been made for disabled people
actually benefit so many other people.
- Oh, right, right.
- And, people don't even realize why they're there.
(applause and cheering)
- That's really beautiful.
I-- I honest-- I loved every part of your story
because of how fierce it is, because of how funny it is,
because of how interesting it is, because of how much
you learn-- I mean, I learned about stories
in and around the Disabilities Act, the story of America.
And I learned there was once a time in New York,
when there was no traffic on some streets.
So, thank you so much for being on the show.
I appreciate you so much for being here.
"Being Heumann," a beautiful tale from real life
is available now, and Netflix will feature
"Crip Camp" beginning March 25.
Judith Heumann, everybody! We'll be right back.
- Well, that's it for "The Daily Show: Global Edition."
But before we go, some really interesting news
out of Pakistan.
Due to a warming climate,
the country is facing an unusually large
infestation of locusts
that are utterly destroying crops.
And so in response, China offered to send Pakistan
a 100,000 ducks to eat the locusts.
(laughter) This is real.
And I'm not gonna lie, that's really cool.
Like, I didn't know that China can just send you
100,000 animals or creatures or any--
Like, we should just tell them that we're being
invaded by bamboo so then maybe they'll send us
a 100,000 panda bears.
We'd be like, "Ha! We tricked you!
We just wanted hugs. Ahh!"