and since we’re all stuck in our homes

because of the ’rona, they’re making me

review the greatest pandemic movies of all time.

That’s right. My gift at my job is to watch movies

of people horrified of the spread of an illness.

I better get a raise for this shit.

First up: “Contagion.”

Now, if you’re looking for hope in the midst

of all of this COVID-19 nonsense,

do not watch this movie.

This movie’s so real even Neil deGrasse Tyson

was lookin’ at it like, “Yup, facts.

You guys nailed it.”

So, “Contagion.” Gwyneth Paltrow spreads a pandemic

all over the world.

It’s kind of like Goop but without the steaming,

but the cast is stacked.

You had Gwyneth. You had the white girl from “Titanic”

that let Leo DiCaprio die. You had Walter White.

Matt Damon, but I’m not sure if he was talking

in a Boston accent in that movie.

“The virus is spreading wicked far!”

Overall, if you worried about catching that ’rona,

watch another movie other than “Contagion.”

It is too close to home.

“Outbreak” is the pandemic movie about the monkey.

The monkey got the disease. Everybody run around

the whole movie – they’re trying to find the monkey

’cause the monkey got the cure.

It’s got Dustin Hoffman, Cuba Gooding Jr.,

Rene Russo and, of course, Morgan Freeman.

Look, can I digress for a second?

Morgan Freeman accounts for 95% of all

black acting roles cast in Hollywood.

He take all of the roles.

Damn, Morgan, let somebody else get some money, man.

I can narrate a penguin show.

“And here we see the mother penguin protecting her baby.”

Now, the virus in this movie is so bad,

all the scientists have to wear them yellow

garbage bag suits, which makes you wonder

if Billie Eilish knows something we don’t know.

The other thing to know about this “Outbreak” movie

is that the president in this movie has a big idea.

He’s gonna stop the virus by bombing the city that it’s in.

Please don’t show this movie to Trump.

We mess around and wake up tomorrow morning –

Seattle won’t be here no more.

If you live in New York, you’re safe.

We got a Trump hotel.

Lastly, “28 Days.”

I know what you’re thinking – it’s a zombie movie.

That ain’t no pandemic.

Uh, if you get bit by a zombie, it go through your blood,

you turn into a zombie.

That’s a virus!

Ain’t got time to be explaining this to y’all.

Go somewhere and Google something.

Alright, so this is how “28 Days” work.

It’s a bunch of zombies runnin’ around Britain,

and they eatin’ everybody’s brains,

which I completely understand

if you ever had British food.

They put beans with they toast.

Brains probably taste the same as beans with soggy bread.

Zombie was probably like, “You know what?

I really appreciate the offer for the beans and toast.

I’ll just have some of your cerebellum, yeah?”

Alright, so there it is.

Three pandemic movies for your viewing pleasure.

Please be safe out there.

Please social distance.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I will return

to playing PlayStation in my bunker.

Oh, shit. The condoms.