refreshing images just disappeared. When you have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, you don't

我腦中的所有思緒瞬間平靜了下來

really get quiet moments. Even in bed I'm thinking did I lock the door yes did I wash

所有強迫症引發的衝動

my hands yes did I lock the door yes did I wash my hands yes. But when I saw her, the

所有我不斷重複想像的影像

only thing I could think about was the hairpin curve of her lips or the eyelash on her cheek

都消失了

the eyelash on her cheek the eyelash on her cheek. I knew I had to talk to her.

對強迫症患者來說

I asked her out six times. In thirty seconds. She said yes after the third one, but none

生活幾乎沒有一刻是平靜的

of them felt right so I had to keep going. On our first date I spent more time organizing

就算躺在床上，我仍想著：

my meal by color than I did eating or ******* talking to her, but she loved it. She loved that I

「我有鎖門嗎？有」

had to kiss her goodbye sixteen times or twenty-four times if it was Wednesday. She loved that

「我有洗手嗎？有」

it took me forever to walk home because there are a lot of cracks in our sidewalk.

「我有鎖門嗎？有」

When we moved in together, she said that she felt safe, like no one would ever rob us because

「我有洗手嗎？有」

I definitely locked the door 18 times. I'd always watch her mouth when she talked when

但當我看到她時

she talked when she talked when she talked. When she said she loved me, her mouth would

我腦袋中所想的只有

curl up at the edges. At night, she'd lay in bed and watch me turn all the lights off

她那有著髮夾般弧線的雙唇

and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off. She'd close her eyes and imagine

以及她臉頰上的睫毛

that days and nights were passing in front of her.

她臉頰上的睫毛

Some mornings, I'd start kissing her goodbye but she'd just leave because I was making

我鐵了心想認識她

her late for work. When I stopped at a crack in the sidewalk, she just kept walking. When

我問了她六次想不想跟我約會

she said she loved me, her mouth was a straight line. She told me I was taking up too much

而且是在三十秒內

of her time.

她在我問第三次時就答應了

Last week she started sleeping at her mother's place. She told me that she shouldn't have

但我還是覺得問得不夠完美

let me get so attached to her, that this whole thing was a mistake, but how can it be a mistake

所以我只好繼續問

that I don't have to wash my hands after I touch her? Love is not a mistake. It's killing

我們第一次約會時

me that she can run away from this and I just can't. I can't go out and find someone new

我都在忙著將我的餐點依顏色分類

because I always think of her.

根本沒空吃它

Usually, when I obsess over things, I see germs sneaking into my skin. I see myself

或是跟我的女伴聊天

crushed by an endless succession of cars. She was the first beautiful thing I ever got

但她很愛我的這種行為

stuck on. I want to wake up every morning thinking about the way she holds her steering

她喜歡我每次說再見前都得親她十六次

wheel. How she turns shower knobs like she's opening a safe. How she blows out candles

或是二十四次

blows out candles blows out candles blows out candles blows out candles blows out candles

如果那天剛好是星期三

blows out—now I just think about who else is kissing her. I can't breathe because he

她喜歡每次跟我一起走路回家總是走到天荒地老

only kisses her once. He doesn't care if it's perfect. I want her back so bad, I leave the

因為我得確定有閃過人行道上的每條裂縫

door unlocked. I leave the lights on.

在我們同居後