I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

IT IS THE DAY AFTER SUPER TUESDAY-- ALSO KNOWN AS "OLD MAN

WEDNESDAY."

I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF--

>> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.

>> I BEAT TRUMP!

>> I LOST THEM ALL.

>> THEY DON'T CALL IT SUPER TUESDAY FOR NOTHING!

>> BING, BING, BONG, BONG.

>> "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE: 2020."

>> Stephen: IT WAS A BIG NIGHT LAST NIGHT--

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PEOPLE ARE EXCITED.

PEOPLE ARE EXCITED.

IT WAS A BIG NIGHT LAST NIGHT FOR FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AND

ONLY DENTAL WORK THAT CAN BE SEEN FROM SPACE, JOE BIDEN.

14 STATES HELD PRIMARIES LAST NIGHT, AND BIDEN WON TEN OF

THEM, INCLUDING STATES HE WAS NEVER EXPECTED TO WIN, LIKE

TEXAS.

APPARENTLY, DOWN THERE, HE APPEALED TO HISPANIC VOTERS,

BECAUSE LIKE MANY OF THEM, HIS FIRST LANGUAGE IS NOT ENGLISH.

( LAUGHTER ) THIS ELECTION YEAR, POLLS SHOW

THE TOP PRIORITY FOR DEMOCRATS IS WHICH CANDIDATE CAN BEAT

DONALD TRUMP.

AND THE AMERICAN PEOPLE LOOKED OVER THE FIELD, AND LAST NIGHT,

THEY PUT THEIR FUTURE IN JOE BIDEN'S HANDS.

LET'S SEE THE VERY FIRST THING HE SAID AT HIS RALLY:

>> BY THE WAY, THIS IS MY LITTLE SISTER, VALERIE, AND I'M

JILL'S HUSBAND-- OH, NO, THERE YOU ARE!

AH, YOU SWITCHED ON ME!

>> Stephen: OKAY!

OKAY!

( LAUGHTER ) IT'S AN INNOCENT MISTAKE BUT

IT COULD STILL CAUSE TROUBLE IF HE BECOMES PRESIDENT.

( AS BIDEN ) "HERE'S MY CALLBACK

NUMBER--302917-- OOPS, THAT'S THE NEW NUCLEAR CODES.

THEY SWITCHED 'EM ON ME!" ( LAUGHTER )

BIDEN WAS FIRED UP FROM HIS BIG WIN, MAYBE A LITTLE TOO

FIRED UP.

HE CAN BE HARD TO FOLLOW ON A LOW-ENERGY DAY, AND LAST NIGHT,

HE SOUNDED LIKE THEY GROUND UP SOME MONKEY ADRENAL GLANDS AND

JUST INJECTED THEM STRAIGHT INTO HIS BRAIN STEM.

>> A BOLD VISION... STANDING UP TO AND BEATING THE N.R.A.-- THE

GUN MANUFACTURERS...ACCESS TO HOSPITALS IN RURALS AREAS, THE

AS WELL AS URBAN AREAS.

>> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, I

PROMISE: GAH, YAH!

YAGGIDAH-BAH!

COME ON, FOLKS!" BIDEN-- I JUST GOT TO GET SOME

FLIP-DOWN SHADES.

JUST GET ME SOME FLIP-DOWN SHADES.

BIDEN STUCK IT TO NEIGH SAYERS OUT THERE WHO HAD COUNTED HIM

OUT.

>> JUST A FEW DAYS AGO, THE PRESS AND THE PUNDITS HAD

DECLARED THE CAMPAIGN DEAD.

I'M HERE TO REPORT WE ARE VERY MUCH ALIVE.

>> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS.

THEY SAID WE WERE DEAD, BUT THEN THEY DUG ME UP, STRAPPED TO A

LIGHTNING, AND FRANKENSTEINED ME BACK, JACK!

C'MON, FIRE BAD!

C'MON, FIRE BAD!" ( APPLAUSE )

JOE'S BIG NIGHT REALLY WAS REMARKABLE, BECAUSE "HE WON IN

STATES WHERE HE DIDN'T CAMPAIGN.

HE WON IN STATES WHERE HE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE OFFICES."

IN FACT, IN MINNESOTA, BIDEN'S ENTIRE GROUND OPERATION WAS JUST

THIS FLYER: "JOE BIDEN AVAILABLE TO DOG SIT OR BE PRESIDENT."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: THEY REALLY DON'T WANT BERNIE.

>> Stephen: BIDEN DID SO WELL, HE EVEN CAPTURED ELIZABETH

WARREN'S HOME STATE OF MASSACHUSETTS, WHERE HE DID NOT

APPEAR IN PERSON.

IF I'M ELIZABETH WARREN RIGHT NOW, THAT'S THE LAST TIME I

CAMPAIGN COHERENTLY.

NEXT TIME, IT'S JUST GOING TO BE "CRAZY AUNT LIZZIE'S NO-MALARKEY

STREAM-OF-CONSCIOUSNESS FOLKSY-RIFIC WOODEN NICKEL IN

EVERY GARAGE CAMPAIGN-GANZA!" ( APPLAUSE )

BUT-- THAT'S A LOT.

A LOT TO SAY.

DO I STILL NEED THESE?

I DO STILL EYE DON'T KNOW.

BUT IT WOULDN'T BE A BIDEN RALLY WITHOUT A LITTLE CONFUSION.

AND LAST NIGHT IT CAME FROM SOME ANIMAL RIGHTS PROTESTERS.

>> WE COME FROM THE-- >> LET DAIRY DIE!

( BOOING ) LET DAIRY DIE!

LET DAIRY DIE!

LET DAIRY DIE!

( BOOING ) >> Stephen: HMM...DAIRY RIGHTS

ACTIVISTS?

I WONDER WHO THAT WAS?

JIM, ZOOM IN.

IT'S JOAQUIN PHOENIX.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

I KNEW IT!

I KNEW IT!

STILL A GRIPPING PERFORMANCE.

I GOTTA GIVE IT TO THE GUY.

AND LOOK AT HOW JILL BIDEN AGREEMENTED THAT WOMAN WHEN SHE

GOT ON STAGE.

I DON'T KNOW IF JOE CAN WIN THE PRESIDENCY, BUT JILL IS

DEFINITELY GOING TO WIN SUMMER SLAM.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

BOOM!

OH, YEAH.

ATOMIC ELBORO-DROP.

IT WAS A DISAPPOINTING NIGHT FOR THE PREVIOUS FRONTRUNNER,

VERMONT SENATOR AND D.J. WHO KNOWS YOU CAN SCREAM LOUDER THAN

THAT, BERNIE SANDERS.

SANDERS WON FOUR STATES, INCLUDING CALIFORNIA, BUT "MANY

YOUNG VOTERS SAT OUT SUPER TUESDAY, CONTRIBUTING TO BERNIE

SANDERS' LOSSES."

( AS BERNIE ) "COME ON, YOUNGLINGS!

GET OFF YOUR TIKTOK SNAP CHATS, AND VOTE!

OR I WILL COME DOWN TO ONE OF THE THREE JOBS YOU ARE WORKING

AND SLAP THE VAPE PEN RIGHT OUT OF YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTHS.

STEP UP THE FLAVOR.

THIS IS IT."

YOU SAY THIS, AND THEN DO YOU THAT.

THIS IS IT!

LAST NIGHT, AT HIS RALLY, BERNIE TOOK THE FIGHT RIGHT TO BIDEN BY

COMPARING THEIR RECORDS.

>> ONE OF US HAS SPENT HIS ENTIRE LIFE FIGHTING AGAINST

CUTS IN SOCIAL SECURITY.

ANOTHER CANDIDATE HAS BEEN ON THE FLOOR OF THE SENATE CALLING

FOR CUTS TO SOCIAL SECURITY.

>> Stephen: (AS BERNIE) "ONE OF US WANTED TO LEAVE THE

"LION KING" AS IT WAS.

THE OTHER SAID, "LET'S REMAKE IT WITH COMPUTER LIONS."

COMPLETELY TOOK AWAY THE WHIMSY.

HAKUNA MA-DISASTA."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

"TELLING YOU, IT'S THIS, BUT IT'S ALSO THAT.

AND YOU DO-- AND THIS, THIS, THIS."

OF ARGUABLY, THE BIGGEST LOSER LAST

NIGHT WAS FORMER NEW YORK CITY MAYOR AND MISCHIEVOUS GNOME WHO

JUST STUMPED YOU WITH HIS RIDDLES THREE, MIKE BLOOMBERG.

BLOOMBERG DID PULL OFF A VICTORY IN ONE PLACE: AMERICAN SAMOA.

( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING: AS GOES

AMERICAN SAMOA, SO GOES...

EASTER ISLAND?

I DON'T KNOW-- I THINK THE HEADS ARE SUPER DELEGATES.

THINGS WEREN'T LOOKING GREAT FOR MIKE GOING INTO SUPER TUESDAY.

YESTERDAY AFTERNOON, THIS VIDEO WENT VIRAL OF BLOOMBERG AT A

CAMPAIGN STOP.

LICKING HIS FINGERS, REACHING INTO A PIZZA BOX, TEARING OFF A

PIECE, PUTTING THE REST BACK, AND LICKING EVERY FINGER

INDIVIDUALLY, AND THEN TOUCHING A COFFEE SPOUT.

NOW, THAT MAY SEEM GROSS, BUT HE WAS JUST GIVING HIS FINGERS A

LITTLE STOP AND FRISK.

"HOLD UP THERE, LITTLE BUDDY!

TOLD ON!

LOOKS LIKE YOU GOT A LITTLE SALT ON YA.

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, TASTY GREASE BOY?

UP AGAINST THE TONGUE WALL WITH YOU.

OH, YOU LOOK SUSPICIOUS.

I SUSPECT A LITTLE MARINARA'S IN YOUR POCKET."

THERETO YOU GO.

NOW-- NOW I HAVE TO PURELL AGAIN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

NOW, AFTER HIS ROUGH NIGHT, THIS MORNING, BLOOMBERG ANNOUNCED

THAT HE IS SUSPENDING HIS PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN.

AND THIS AFTERNOON, BLOOMBERG TOOK TO HIS FUN-SIZED PODIUM TO

BREAK THE NEWS TO HIS STAFF.

>> I ENTERED THE RACE FOR PRESIDENT TO DEFEAT DONALD

TRUMP, AND TODAY I AM LEAVING THE RACE FOR THE SAME REASON:

TO DEFEAT DONALD TRUMP, BECAUSE STAYING IN WOULD MAKE IT MORE

DIFFICULT TO ACHIEVE THAT GOAL.

>> Stephen: IT TAKES A BIG MAN TO STAND UP AND ADMIT THE MOST

IMPORTANT THING I WILL EVER DO, I SHOULD REALLY STOP DOING.

BLOOMBERG IMMEDIATELY ENDORSED JOE BIDEN.

NO ONE KNOWS HOW BIG OF AN IMPACT THAT'S GOING TO HAVE,

BUT WE HAVE GOTTEN A HOLD OF JOE BIDEN'S LATEST AD, AND THERE

SEEMS TO BE SOME BLOOMBERG INFLUENCE.

SEEMS TO BE SOME BLOOMBERG INFLUENCE.

AND I APPROVED THIS MESSAGE.

>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

CHRIS HAYES IS HERE.

BUT WHEN WE RETURN, MORE MONOLOGUE RIGHT HERE.

STICK AROUND!